# Why do people intentionally disguise the gender of their "partners"?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [January 12, 2010, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671 "2010-01-12T16:18:15Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 4
### Author:  [@Teacake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teacake)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/61 "2010-01-13T21:17:58Z")
Hmm. There are people on here I find annoying and tedious, but it’s never been because they didn’t describe every detail of their partner. Maybe I just don’t care that much about it. It’s clearly a big thing to you though, so just to make you feel better, my partner has brown hair and brown eyes.
(By the way, to say that you don’t care when you were the one who said that you assumed that homosexuals were ashamed or embarrassed is disingenuous at best. Someone has a problem with shame and same-sex relationships. It doesn’t appear to me that it’s any of the gay people I see around here.)
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### Author:  [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/62 "2010-01-13T21:25:43Z")
> [@Teacake](#):
>
> (By the way, to say that you don’t care when you were the one who said that you assumed that homosexuals were ashamed or embarrassed is disingenuous at best. Someone has a problem with shame and same-sex relationships. It doesn’t appear to me that it’s any of the gay people I see around here.)
Huh? I said that’s the only possible explanation I can come up with for intentionally concealing that basic piece of information. When I said I don’t care, I mean I don’t care whether they are gay or not, so why hide it?
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### Author:  [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/63 "2010-01-13T21:39:56Z")
Um, in some anecdotes it does matter what gender your partner is. My anecdote earlier in this thread would have made no sense whatsoever if you didn’t know that my partner and I are the same gender.
Gender _is_ important in the real world, anyway. Maybe it shouldn’t be, and it’s certainly becoming less and less important, but it still is.
> [@Rigamarole](#):
>
> Huh? I said that’s the only possible explanation I can come up with for intentionally concealing that basic piece of information. When I said I don’t care, I mean I don’t care whether they are gay or not, so why hide it?
In the real world it’s just for the sake of an easier life. You avoid proper homophobes and avoid awkward situations and so on. Some people think it’s a bad thing to do because it encourages heteronormativity, and I think that’s true, but sometimes I’m not willing to fight that battle. But, anyway, I’ve never seen anyone hide their partner’s gender on this board - saying ‘partner’ is for other reasons than gender. Lazz earlier said that they don’t use gendered pronouns because their partner’s intersex (which makes sense) - maybe it’s Lazz’s posts you’re thinking of or someone in a similar situation.
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### Author:  [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/64 "2010-01-13T21:52:14Z")
> [@bengangmo](#):
>
> two words that occur to me would be fiance or de-facto…neither of which help with the gender issue
I thought “fiance” was male and “fiancée” was female.
I typically refer to **dragoncat** as my partner, but sometimes also as my significant other, GF, or fiancée. Yes, GF implies a less serious relationship than ours is at this point in time, but sometimes it’s more convenient to say/type. I try to be _out_ as a woman who loves another woman, in hopes that people will already know the gender of my sweetie, and if not then it’s easy to slip in a quick pronoun. It bothers me quite a bit when someone incorrectly guesses another person’s gender, especially hers or mine.
In a way it’s actually kind of fun to sneak in a pronoun within an ambiguous context. I was at my insurance place a while back and said something about my fiancée, and the person said well if you want, bring him in with you. So I slipped a “she” into my next sentence and right away the person I was talking to pulled out a special flyer they hand out to their LGBT customers (it lists other businesses that are friendly to the community).
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### Author:  [@Teacake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teacake)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/65 "2010-01-13T22:03:13Z")
Of course, **Scifisam** , sometimes it’s relevant to the story what gender your partner is, but where it’s not relevant, there’s no reason to make an issue of it. I’m not saying that it’s never relevant, just that it isn’t always, and if the person chooses to keep it to themself, they shouldn’t have to explain that decision, no matter on what grounds they may have made it (or on no grounds not made it, since I’m sure sometimes people just don’t notice because it doesn’t matter).
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### Author:  [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/66 "2010-01-13T22:32:41Z")
On this board, I use SO, because people generally know what that means.
In real life, with people I don’t know well, I use husband, because then I don’t have to go through long explinations. Any while we haven’t gotten married, after this long, we fill the same roles.
With people I know, I use his name. They either know we aren’t married, or can make their own conclusions.
As for pronouns - most of the time, it really doesn’t make a whit of difference to the story. It’s irrelevant and really none of your business, unless I feel like mentioning it. If it is a factor in the story, I’ll include a gender specific pronoun. If not, use your imagination.
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/67 "2010-01-13T23:34:14Z")
> [@Teacake](#):
>
> Of course, **Scifisam** , sometimes it’s relevant to the story what gender your partner is, but where it’s not relevant, there’s no reason to make an issue of it. I’m not saying that it’s never relevant, just that it isn’t always, and if the person chooses to keep it to themself, they shouldn’t have to explain that decision, no matter on what grounds they may have made it (or on no grounds not made it, since I’m sure sometimes people just don’t notice because it doesn’t matter).
Agree with this. And I don’t know the majority of Dopers’ genders, so their partners’ genders matter even less, unless it’s an important part of the discussion (about gay rights, why boys are all like this and girls are all like that).
I think I may have actually picked up SO on the Dope. I like it. It’s short and simple. I tend to use my partner’s name in real life because we have so many mutual friends. Saying ‘my boyfriend’ makes me feel a little odd, a bit like that woman on Seinfeld going on about her fiancé.
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### Author:  [@Gleena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gleena)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2010, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/68 "2010-01-14T11:09:24Z")
> [@Juliana](#):
>
> Your wife is a very lucky woman. That’s the sweetest thing I’ve read in a long time.
…or she’s standing behind him with a baseball bat and a look of evil intention…
😃
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### Author:  [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2010, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/69 "2010-01-14T15:02:32Z")
> [@Telcontar](#):
>
> There really isn’t a lot to know about a baby. It is healthy, is it a boy or a girl, is it genetically related to whoever it is supposed to be? Bam bam bam.
And the weight. Apparently there’s a whole lot riding on how much a baby weighs.
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### Author:  [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2010, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/70 "2010-01-14T15:15:18Z")
> [@Anaamika](#):
>
> [Bernice](http://sharetv.org/images/fish/bernice_fish-char.jpg).
>
> But you’re right. I love Fish, but I wouldn’t have sex with him. Forget marriage.
Man, I find Fish HOT!!! Did you see him in a dress? I know he is not traditionally good looking, but that character is hot. Bernice, his wife, is fairly good looking as well as looking good for her age.
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### Author:  [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2010, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/71 "2010-01-14T15:19:48Z")
> [@bup](#):
>
> And the weight. Apparently there’s a whole lot riding on how much a baby weighs.
I worked on a team with a woman from Harbin, China and one from Hong Kong. They both said the first question, aside from boy or girl, their mothers’ asked them when their children were born was about what kind of eyelid fold the child had.
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### Author:  [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2010, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/72 "2010-01-14T15:38:36Z")
> [@lee](#):
>
> Man, I find Fish HOT!!! Did you see him in a dress? I know he is not traditionally good looking, but that character is hot. Bernice, his wife, is fairly good looking as well as looking good for her age.
I like deadpan snarkers and all but I’ll take Dietrich. I prefer the slimmer look. Even Barney gets a zinger off now and then.
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### Author:  [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2010, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/73 "2010-01-14T15:44:59Z")
There are more than one kind of eyelid fold?
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### Author:  [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/74 "2010-01-14T15:51:22Z")
> [@umop\_ap\_sdn](#):
>
> There are more than one kind of eyelid fold?
Someone else can explain it better but there is a word for the other kind of eyelid fold (some) Asians have. Epicanthic? Maybe?
Aha!
[epicanthic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epicanthic_fold)
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### Author:  [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2010, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/75 "2010-01-14T15:53:36Z")
> [@Marley23](#):
>
> Mostly it’s done out of dislike for the words boyfriend and girlfriend, I think. Some people find the word a little childish or lacking in gravitas, and it seems to me we have a higher percentage of those people at the SDMB. And there are probably some people who do it for principled reasons or because they are bisexual.
I’d agree with this. When we were living together but not engaged yet, I found “girlfriend” to be inadequate. It didn’t seem to represent who she was very well. Now I say “fiancee” which everyone seems to understand better as somehow being more meaningful than “girlfriend”, but really neither one of us cares a whole lot about “marriage” and we’d be equally happy remaining common-law forever.
And well prior to ever getting engaged, we user to refer to each other as “my spouse” because for all intents and purposes it’s about right and we are common-law. “Wife” implies we’ve done the whole ceremony thing.
My fiancee/girlfriend/whatever apparently uses “partner” sometimes because “boyfriend” seems to undermine our co-habitating, long-term status, and "SO’ was impractical when speaking in real-life. As a result, someone in her office was very surprised to find out I’m a guy. (Who knew the name “Duncan” was so ambiguous!)
My sister on the other hand, who is gay and in a long-term relationship, actually hates the word “partner” because it sounds to business-like. She says “spouse” but not “wife”, I guess for the same reason I do. They are common-law spouses, not “married” as in the whole wedding thing. She refers to her girlfriend’s mother as her mother-in-law.
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### Author:  [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/76 "2010-01-14T21:51:30Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#):
>
> She refers to her girlfriend’s mother as her mother-in-law.
Just wanted to throw in a funny aside, my other half and I have made up terms we call each other’s relatives because of marriage laws in our state. Her mom, sister, and sister’s family are my against-the laws and my parents are her outlaws. 😃
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### Author:  [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2010, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/77 "2010-01-14T23:29:38Z")
> [@Marley23](#):
>
> Mostly it’s done out of dislike for the words boyfriend and girlfriend, I think. Some people find the word a little childish…
I agree with this, at least for me. I am 45 and if I had a man friend (I’m gay) I would feel totally ridiculous calling him “my boyfriend.” That seems so high school.
I don’t care if others do it.
I don’t know what I’d call him as the occasion has never come up.
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### Author:  [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)
#### Post date: [January 15, 2010, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/78 "2010-01-15T02:56:10Z")
I call my sweetie my sweetie. I answer the phone a lot at work too, and will tell people that their ‘sweetie is on the line’. I had one lady respond that she was married, thank you very much, and I must have got the wrong person. 😛 I use sweetie when the name might not make sense; not everyone knows my sweetie’s name is Richard, so I don’t presume they do. ‘Sweetie’ covers it.
On the flip side, my brother’s first marriage struck me as odd, because they each referred to their spouse as ‘my husband’, ‘my wife’, ALL of the time, which seems very odd to someone who knew them both very well, and knows THEY HAVE NAMES!! It was just odd to me. They would even do it when they were both in the same room. It was just…odd.
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### Author:  [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)
#### Post date: [January 15, 2010, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/79 "2010-01-15T12:03:46Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#):
>
> A lot of times on these boards I’ll see someone telling a little anecdote about their “partner” or “SO” and use “they/them” as pronouns, carefully avoiding identification of gender by saying “he” or “she”.
>
> It bugs me a little only because the story is harder for me to visualize when instead of a man or a woman I’m just picturing this featureless, amorphous blob of goo. It would help to have the context.
>
> Whenever I see the behavior, I tend toward the assumption that they are gay and ashamed or embarrassed to admit the same-sex relationship (not that most of us would even know, since we don’t know the genders of many posters themselves). But even if you out yourself by telling a story about your gay lover, who gives a crap? And if my assumption is wrong and there are straight people doing this too, why?
Guilty. But say, my amorphous blob of goo is an important part of my life, and just because I don’t properly introduce the person in prose doesn’t mean I am hiding the goo’s gender!
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### Author:  [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)
#### Post date: [January 15, 2010, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/80 "2010-01-15T12:39:44Z")
> [@scifisam2009](#):
>
> In real life I often play the pronoun game to hide the fact that my partner is the same gender as me. However, pretending that she was male would be an actual lie, rather than just avoiding revealing her gender.
Of course your lovely partner has an easier time of it, since she can refer to you as “Sam” and let people assume what they like.
In informal settings and on the Internet I prefer to use “spouse” for much the same reason as **VT** ; “wife” has some potential connotations from a previous age that don’t sit comfortably with me. She likewise refers to me as her “spouse”, although neither of us go to any particular verbal contortions to avoid using “husband” or “wife” and have no problem using them for formal introductions (e.g. “This is my husband [realname]” etc).
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