# Why do people stay in abusive relationships? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 3, 2006, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/351095 "2006-04-03T16:35:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![mrald](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3da27b/32.png) [@mrald](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrald)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/351095/41 "2006-04-05T12:57:25Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > Just FTR, I should add here that despite my having been in two abusive relationships, my family life was contented and happy. My parents, though they may disagree sometimes, have never raised their voices to each other, and there was never any threat of divorce in the house. My father is a kind and gentle giant of a man, quiet with a ready smile, and though he keeps to himself, he loves my mother fiercly and would protect her from the whole world if he had to. My mother, for all her foolishness, is just that, foolish, and never yelled or screamed at us. No one ever hit us. No other relatives outside of the family hurt us in any way. We were raised in a calm and loving home environment. It wasn’t always perfect, no, and my mother and I had some epic cold silences when I was a teenager 😉 > > Incidentally, it is my husband who is just like my father. I see it all the time and think it’s kind of funny. I’m \*glad \* I married my father! > > So my behaviour isn’t learned. I’m just a natural fuck up, all on my own. ☹ That is me as well, my parents were to not abusive to me or each other, I just picked a loser before. My husband now is too, just like my dad, and it is great. Now I just need to learn how to not pick fights with him. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/351095/42 "2006-04-05T20:35:45Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > I’m just a natural fuck up, all on my own. ☹ If the only thing I knew about you was the response you posted in the “babysit my kids at the drop of a hat” thread, I’d know that to be untrue. And since it’s _not_ the only thing I know about you, I _really_ know that that’s untrue. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/351095/43 "2006-04-05T21:51:48Z")
I started a new thread [here in MPSIMS](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=366119) for us to refute **Anastaseon** ’s claim to being a fuck up. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/351095/44 "2006-04-06T14:35:59Z")
> [@Aangelica](#): > > In my own defense, I left him the second time he got overtly abusive. The first one I thought was an aberration, the second one I wasn’t willing to risk any more. It’s interesting you should say this. I had always heard the mantra to get out the first time you are hit, that once is too many times. But I had decided for myself (purely hypothetically at this point, no idea what I would actually do) that I would leave after two times, because the first time could be completely out of character. The second time is a pattern and that would be when I left. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/351095/45 "2006-04-06T15:20:18Z")
> [@Charger](#): > > Why has it come to this? The answer is actually pretty simple. The belief that abuse only happens to crack whores in large cities, it doesn’t happen in our quiet little community, and certainly _not to us_. Even the love of your children doesn’t come close to the power of denial. Oh, definitely. My grandfather never tried to abuse any of his descendents, no nono. That only happens to people who live in cardboard houses, not to us, no no. If I hadn’t been told “well, gramps is just like that” (obsexed) “you just have to learn how to manage him” (avoid being alone with him and/or hit with heaviest object at hand and/or grab balls and yank), there’s a lot of pain I could have saved myself. That was one of the moments that drilled home the notion that “parents/adults/bosses/teachers will never help ME, even though I see them helping others all the time”. (Dad never knew about it, Mom managed to hide it from him, in my brother’s cases, my cousins’ cases, my case, and I’m sure he never knew about Gramp’s assaults on her and Auntie, either) ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/351095/46 "2006-04-06T15:41:58Z")
My sister has just left her abuser We are all worried about her. She is Deaf and somehow that makes it worse, if only because it isolates her even more. I have emailed some people from this thread, and I am throwing this out, if any of you that have been through this would be willing to email her and possibly correspond with her I would be so grateful. She needs to hear from other women that have gone through similar things, and right now isn’t. If you are willing, please email me. One of my addresses is in my profile. Sorry for the highjack ---
**Author:** ![Arianne\_aka\_Hey\_You](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Arianne\_aka\_Hey\_You](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arianne_aka_Hey_You)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/351095/47 "2006-04-07T04:08:27Z")
[QUOTE=Gladstone] There are many permutations in explaining why, but of the list you gave, just about all of those reasons deal with control that is or can be exerted by the abusive partner. (and for #6, the illusion of control when the abusee attempts to fight back) And don’t forget the poisonous little voice in some of our heads that says “Do I want to be right, or do I want to have a marriage/relationship?” In my case, it was only minor verbal/emotional stuff, but that poisonous little voice kept me giving in because I felt that the marriage was absolutely more important than being right on every issue, or even than being right on any issue. Blessedly, I have remarried to a loving, caring man who has healed most of my scars, my ex and I have forgiven each other and ourselves, and he and I can now be friends. I would trust my ex with my life, but I would never live with him again - I think we might verbally destroy each other and anyone else in range. After 6 years with my DH, I’ve learned that taking a stand doesn’t automatically kill the relationship. In an abusive situation now, I’m afraid that I would not just get out of Dodge, I would go for blood, which doesn’t solve anything, although it is gratifying at the time. Arianne ---
**Author:** ![Frosted\_Glass](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frosted_glass/32/3926_2.png) [@Frosted\_Glass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frosted_Glass)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/351095/48 "2006-04-07T06:12:14Z")
I would like to extend my thanks to all the posters out there who felt comfortable enough sharing their own experiences with everyone. That takes a lot of courage. It has also helped me out quite a bit in dealing with my situation. Initially I was feeling very selfish with regard to this situation. My first reaction was to stop interacting with both the girl and the guy. After calming down and reading through the numerous posts, I began to understand how much more difficult this is for her. She is still living with him and she is the one who has to deal with the fact that this incident did happen. If he really is not an abusive person, then he has to deal with the fact that he caused physical harm to someone he loves. Whether or not it was a one time deal, no one can really say, but I now understand how important it is for me to be supportive no matter what. > [@Kalhoun](#): > > I’m not condoning what happened, but maybe after you’ve talked to him and her, you may find that you can continue to be friends with both of them. It sounds like they need to fix more in the relationship than this, but it’s up to them to work it out. Sounds good to me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/351095.md?page=2)