# Why do single women seek attached men? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 13, 2009, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313 "2009-08-13T18:00:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/21 "2009-08-13T21:09:05Z")
> [@filling\_pages](#): > > Ever watch little kids interact with each other and toys? If someone else has it, it must be worth having. Hell, my _cats_ lived on that principle. “I want what he’s eating.” (It’s the same kibble, just in the other bowl). ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/22 "2009-08-13T21:19:52Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Well, sure, by why the disparity between single women and the other groups? Because an attached woman who has a reasonably good thing going, is not as likely to risk upsetting her current stability for a “maybe”. I’m a monkey. I’m hanging from a branch with one hand and I’ve got a tasty banana in the other. I see you eating a ripe peach and it looks _good_. If I want to slap you upside the head and grab your peach, I have to let go of my banana. My banana is good, so I don’t want to drop it, plus, you might smack me back and I may not end up with either… Meh, I’ll eat my banana. I like knowing my banana is mine to enjoy, more than I like the idea of working to get your peach. But I’ll warn you, that gibbon over there with no prospects of fruit thinks you peach looks pretty awesome too and has no banana at risk. ---
**Author:** ![lolagranola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ea5d25/32.png) [@lolagranola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lolagranola)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/23 "2009-08-13T23:32:57Z")
If he’s single, there MUST be a reason. Also, if I can steal him, then I must be superior to his previous mate. Just guessing. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/24 "2009-08-13T23:41:41Z")
It seems to me that women see men as utility objects like horses or dogs. Ultimately you want one that is domesticated, and it’s a lot more work to break a wild one than acquire one that is already trained. ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/25 "2009-08-14T00:51:46Z")
[Mate copying](http://www.scienceblog.com/community/older/2000/D/200003128.html). ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/26 "2009-08-14T01:44:30Z")
Speaking as an attached man whose girlfriend is open to the idea of a threesome, my main question is, where are these single women? ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/27 "2009-08-14T03:55:35Z")
I don’t know…I have what I call a Married Switch. I can be flirting with a man, and then the second I realize he’s taken…it’s like a switch has been flipped and I lose interest. I just don’t get attracted to married men. Maybe it’s a result of having had my husband poached, or just my basic makeup, but I can instantly feel the attraction disappear. Even the thought of getting involved with a taken man is exhausting…why would I want to expend that much time and energy on someone who may never leave his current attachment for me? Why would I want the complications, and the grief, and the angst? If he did leave his wife, then the rest of our relationship would be spent dealing with the fall-out and the hurt feelings (I’m assumimg he has children of some sort here) and the animosity from his ex at family gatherings for the next couple decades? And then there is the very real possibility that if he cheated on her, he’ll cheat on me, too. Nope…I like my Married Switch. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/28 "2009-08-14T04:03:29Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > Speaking as an attached man whose girlfriend is open to the idea of a threesome, my main question is, where are these single women? Out looking for men to have for themselves, not men to share. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/29 "2009-08-14T04:10:23Z")
The prescreening one is the one touted by almost every dating guide I ever read back when I was obsessed with that sort of thing. You were told to find “social proof”, i.e, women who already liked you and could vouch for you. One even suggested dating anyone who would give you a chance, just to get the situation started, and to keep trading up as the more attractive women would be impressed. Yet another suggested hiring an escort, or using a sister or a friend. To make sure you aren’t regarded as a creep, make sure you go on and on about how you are just friends, but while making it seem like you are more. I’ve have this method work accidentally for me, with a girl who I didn’t like who either had a huge crush on me, or was over-the-top flirtatious. BTW, I don’t use any of these methods, as I find them too manipulative. Back when I tested the techniques, I found that the girl would like me for them, and not for me. The second I started being myself, they split. Being myself from the get go gets better results. And, for an added bonus, I don’t have to feel like I’m being creep by tricking someone into liking me. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/30 "2009-08-14T04:13:55Z")
Interestingly, (and anecdoataly) in long term care settings, with patients that may or may not have cognitive impairment (Alzheimers and Related Dementias) we often have a female patient who is always after a male co patient. Will single a patient out of the rest, wander hand in hand with him, sit next to him, sometimes it progresses to various states of intimacy. Almost invariably one of these female patients latches onto a married man. By the time a patient ends up in a dementia unit, signs of social status, money, marital status are pretty much equalized. Patients are often barely verbal, and incontinent. In general, married men are less likely to end up in care. (Wives keep husbands home a lot longer than the reverse.) Right now out of 14 male inpatients we have 3 who are married and one who has been separated from his wife and was living with another woman for ten years before he entered in care. I first thought it was a noticing error, because it always stands out when its a married man,and the wife is not sure how to handle the situation. But in 9 years of working in LTC the overwhelming trend seems to be that even when both the male and the female are considered incapable of higher cognitive functioning, women seem to prefer attatched men. At least that is what I have observed. _shrug_ YMMV. Annecdote is not data. So on and so forth. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/31 "2009-08-14T04:22:04Z")
[This article](http://www.heartlessdoll.com/2009/08/smug_marrieds_look_out_the_single_girls_are_coming.php) points out something I think is important: the age of the people involved in the study. > [@](#): > > One potential problem with the survey comes to mind: the research was done on 97 undergrad women, who I’m guessing are perhaps not as romantically mature as they might be in a few years. Their concepts of commitment, long-term relationships, etc., are likely to be limited, if nothing else, by their age and relative inexperience. Thus, their perception of the value of a committed relationship–and the harm in breaking one up–may be different from a 30 or 50 year old woman’s. It’s a lot bigger deal to steal someone’s husband than her college boyfriend. I would also speculate that young women/girls seem to value social status in their (potential) boyfriends much more highly than young men/boys do. A typical girl is going to be way more interested in pursuing the captain of the football team than the nerdy outsider. And the fact that a guy is in a relationship is a “proof” of his status. ---
**Author:** ![Annie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/858c86/32.png) [@Annie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/32 "2009-08-14T05:11:22Z")
They go home? ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/33 "2009-08-14T05:48:13Z")
I remember some comedian saying that when a guy introduces one of his buddies to his girlfriend, and the buddy’s impressed, he’ll say to himself “Aw, what a great girl. He’s so lucky. I’ve got to get a girl like that.” Same situation reversed, with a female friend being impressed with the other one’s boyfriend: “What a man. I want _that_ man. I’ll _kill that bitch_ to get him.” He was making a point about all women seeing one another as rivals, or something. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/34 "2009-08-14T05:49:32Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Jeez, I was just trying to offer one possible explanation for an apparent societal change. Did I really need to specify that “it’s possible that as internet dating has become more widespread and socially acceptable, that the ‘all the good ones are taken’ meme has begun to die out?” That’s exactly what I thought you were saying. Maybe I’m misunderstanding something. I wasn’t suggesting there’s been a societal change, though. I doubt there has been, but I’m not in position to measure it. I was saying that as I’ve matured, and my friends have matured/changed/been selected differently, I have stopped hearing the complaint. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/35 "2009-08-14T08:17:07Z")
> [@Koxinga](#): > > I remember some comedian saying that when a guy introduces one of his buddies to his girlfriend, and the buddy’s impressed, he’ll say to himself “Aw, what a great girl. He’s so lucky. I’ve got to get a girl like that.” Same situation reversed, with a female friend being impressed with the other one’s boyfriend: “What a man. I want _that_ man. I’ll _kill that bitch_ to get him.” He was making a point about all women seeing one another as rivals, or something. That was Chris Rock. ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/36 "2009-08-14T18:44:49Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > Why do so many men with girlfriends flirt and/or not bother to mention they’re attached until well after getting another woman’s interest? Psych experiments aside, a lot of attached men are not innocent victims of other women’s interest - they encourage it. IOW … it’s men’s fault. even when the topic of discussion is an experiment in which the targeted men in question did nothing of the sort. Sexist assumptions, there. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/37 "2009-08-14T19:01:40Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > Out looking for men to have for themselves, not men to share. Well, that’s just narrow-mindedness, isn’t it? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/38 "2009-08-14T19:35:21Z")
The problem is the question seeks it’s own answer in other words you have a case of circular logic. A woman says “All the good guys are taken.” Why? Because if a guy _ **ISN’T** _ taken, there must be something wrong with him. As a gay male it cracks me up when I hear when say “All the good looking guys are gay.” I feel like saying “Where the hell are you lookin’ 'cause it’s rare I see an acutal goodlooking gay guy.” I’m sure my observation is just as faulty as theirs is but that’s the way it is. ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/39 "2009-08-14T20:49:11Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > A woman says “All the good guys are taken.” Why? Because if a guy _ **ISN’T** _ taken, there must be something wrong with him. > > As a gay male it cracks me up when I hear when say “All the good looking guys are gay.” I feel like saying “Where the hell are you lookin’ 'cause it’s rare I see an acutal goodlooking gay guy.” Heh. This is definitely an old meme–I remember seeing it in a _Doonesbury_ in, I think, the early- or mid-eighties … “All the decent men in this town are either married or gay.” “That’s a bit of an exaggeration, isn’t it?” “No, I’m serious … See that cute guy in the jogging shorts over there?” “Yes, why?” “HEY, YOU! IN THE SHORTS! Yeah, you. What’s the story? Married or gay?” “Both.” “See? It’s just getting worse!” ---
**Author:** ![leander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bcef8e/32.png) [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2009, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313/40 "2009-08-14T21:28:30Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > That’s exactly what I thought you were saying. Maybe I’m misunderstanding something. I wasn’t suggesting there’s been a societal change, though. I doubt there has been, but I’m not in position to measure it. I was saying that as I’ve matured, and my friends have matured/changed/been selected differently, I have stopped hearing the complaint. Aren’t you around 20 yrs old? How much maturing can you have done? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-single-women-seek-attached-men/506313.md?page=3)