# Why do some men have a cuckold fantasy? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 21, 2012, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427 "2012-10-21T16:31:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2012, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/21 "2012-10-21T21:58:54Z")
Well, why do some women have a rape fantasy? It’s a _fantasy_, and usually, at the end of it all, the person having the fantasy is the one in control. A man with a cuckhold fantasy hires/asks/convinces another man to have sex with his usual partner… but you see, _he’s_ the one initiating all this, sets the rules, etc. It’s not his partner _actually_ running off to have a deep relationship with someone else. Just as the woman with the rape fantasy doesn’t want to be _actually_ raped with all the potentially brutality and loss of control. She wants a fantasy “ravaging” that at base she actually controls - choosing the partner, the setting, the (very important) limits on what actually happens. As long as everyone is adult, consenting, and no one gets hurt I don’t see a problem here. Preferably, you want everyone to have a good time as well. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2012, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/22 "2012-10-21T22:27:47Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Well, why do some women have a rape fantasy? > > It’s a _fantasy_, and usually, at the end of it all, the person having the fantasy is the one in control. A man with a cuckhold fantasy hires/asks/convinces another man to have sex with his usual partner… but you see, _he’s_ the one initiating all this, sets the rules, etc. It’s not his partner _actually_ running off to have a deep relationship with someone else. Just as the woman with the rape fantasy doesn’t want to be _actually_ raped with all the potentially brutality and loss of control. She wants a fantasy “ravaging” that at base she actually controls - choosing the partner, the setting, the (very important) limits on what actually happens. > > As long as everyone is adult, consenting, and no one gets hurt I don’t see a problem here. Preferably, you want everyone to have a good time as well. I won’t come right out and say that people suggesting it’s about the man being in control are completely wrong, but I think for the vast majority of men with this particular fantasy it’s way off. Sure, it’s a fantasy initiated by the man the overwhelming majority of the time. But most couples that actually do it have lots of experience trying other forms of dominance and submission and S&M. Lot’s of men with fantasies of being degraded or humiliated want it done exactly on their terms, but men in relationships who actually get to do it, in my experience, sincerely want to give up control and have wives willing to take it. As far as whether it’s healthy, **Fear of the Dark** , I think there’s at least two issues. Can you accept that it’s a fantasy you have and not be judgmental about yourself? Being cuckolded is objective a bad, humiliating thing. If you think you’re a bad person who deserves to be treated badly, it’s not psychologically healthy. If you can accept you’re a good valuable worthwhile person who happens to have a unusual fetish for being cuckolded, then it’s a perfectly healthy and not all that rare fantasy. The 2nd issue becomes whether you want to actually try it and how that desire impacts your real relationships. Your girlfriend/wife might not be ok just because you are, for instance. And even if you guys both are you are likely to find it’s much different in reality with your real girlfriend than in your head. If it ruins your relationship then it’s clearly not psychologically healthy. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2012, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/23 "2012-10-21T22:31:50Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > I knew a man most of my life and was shocked to find out he held this same fantasy. His wife told me about it after they divorced. I will give you her take on it. She felt if he hired the black man that somehow he was giving her the ultimate sexual experience. He was still the power behind the sex act. It made him feel somehow sexually successful. If she were to go out and do this on her own and he caught her by say peeking in the window he would have been furious. Does this make any sense to you? This. I find the idea vaguely titillating and the control thing is the only reason why. I’m into mild bondage too. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2012, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/24 "2012-10-21T23:24:20Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Africa. My first thought was that large angry negro dude with the friend who didn’t run over a dog a few threads ago … 😃 One man in his time plays many parts and all that. ---
**Author:** ![voltaire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voltaire/32/313_2.png) [@voltaire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voltaire)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2012, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/25 "2012-10-21T23:24:40Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > This seems hard to swallow. That’s what she said! ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2012, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/26 "2012-10-21T23:27:41Z")
> [@voltaire](#): > > That’s what she said! Try pineapple. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2012, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/27 "2012-10-21T23:50:41Z")
> [@thelurkinghorror](#): > > I have seen this porn in my voracious search a few times. It does nothing for me. In those (not that they reflect reality, although some seems amateur), there’s a big humiliation aspect. I’d say that 90% of the time, the outside guy is black. It comes across as pretty racist from what I’ve seen. Part of the humiliation, it’s like “not only are you so worthless that you can’t please your wife, but he’s _gasp_! Black!” I don’t think it’s racist, unless you consider “black guys have big cocks” racist. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2012, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/28 "2012-10-21T23:51:39Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Well still; where did this “black man” come from? That seems very odd to me. Did he just grab one off the street? “Hey man, wanna bang a hooker?” :eek: Probably Craigslist or a meetup site of some sort. Believe it or not, there are actually men out there looking for no strings attached sex with women. Pretty crazy this world we live in. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/29 "2012-10-22T00:02:25Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Believe it or not, there are actually men out there looking for no strings attached sex with women. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Linctus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Simple\_Linctus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Linctus)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/30 "2012-10-22T01:33:06Z")
[Here’s a fun weekend web investigation of a cuckold forum](http://www.somethingawful.com/d/weekend-web/cuckold-place.php). I have no probs at all. I do bet, though, the specifically black man thing is a mostly american only cuckold thing. I hesitate to speculate why. The only thing I have had a bit like this is when I am feeling a bit inadequete I have wondered if it would be better to have her serviced by someone else with more comptence than me but it is not a fantasty quite, although it is a bit sexual come to think of it. ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Linctus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Simple\_Linctus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Linctus)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/31 "2012-10-22T01:34:53Z")
(By the way you should definitely visit my link cause it goes into a whole load of this stuff, more deeply than other posts in this thread so far. Also Alice’s thing about the therapist reminds me of a thread I wanna start some time accusing most therapists of not having a clue what they’re talking about.) ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/32 "2012-10-22T01:40:37Z")
I have seen this same type of thing acted out with Biker or rough types. We had a banker in our neighborhhod when I was a kid working in a service station who had myself and the other gas pumper do his wife on seperate occassions. I used to hang out in biker bars and have been propositioned a couple times to do a wife but turned it down. A bit odd but not really all that unusual I think. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/33 "2012-10-22T01:55:39Z")
Sounds to me like what most people in this thread are talking about is not a cuckold fantasy, but a voyeur fantasy. A voyeur wants to watch his/her partner have sex with another person. A “cuck” wants a man to come over, punch him in the balls, call him a little manboy, fuck his wife (possibly even in another room where the husband can’t even watch) and cum on his face. There’s a lot more to cuckolding as a fetish than his wife having simple sex with another man, and it generally involves Submission and/or Bondage/Discipline - not of the wife, of the husband. ETA: And, as always with sex, there’s nothing wrong or unhealthy about it, as long as everyone involved truly is consenting and proper safety precautions are taken. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/34 "2012-10-22T02:12:34Z")
> [@Simple\_Linctus](#): > > Also Alice’s thing about the therapist reminds me of a thread I wanna start some time accusing most therapists of not having a clue what they’re talking about.) And how did you know the man in question? :dubious: Again, that therapist was talking about this one specific man, knowing how he was and what possibly motivated him. WTF are you to come in here and say that she was wrong? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/35 "2012-10-22T03:09:14Z")
I sort of get the cuck thing in general but not so much the black guy specifically. I look at a fair amount of porn. Most of it being stills not movies. Do a search on “tumblr humiliation” (for example) and most of the cuck stuff is with black guys. I can’t not really see it as anything but some racial kink. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > :rolleyes: Dude, what is it with you in this thread? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/36 "2012-10-22T03:30:32Z")
> [@PlainJain](#): > > I sort of get the cuck thing in general but not so much the black guy specifically. I look at a fair amount of porn. Most of it being stills not movies. Do a search on “tumblr humiliation” (for example) and most of the cuck stuff is with black guys. I can’t not really see it as anything but some racial kink. > > Dude, what is it with you in this thread? I don’t have the slightest clue what that means. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/37 "2012-10-22T03:33:08Z")
> [@PlainJain](#): > > I sort of get the cuck thing in general but not so much the black guy specifically. I look at a fair amount of porn. Most of it being stills not movies. Do a search on “tumblr humiliation” (for example) and most of the cuck stuff is with black guys. I can’t not really see it as anything but some racial kink. I think it has to do with an internalized stereotype, yes. I’m not sure if I’d call it a racial kink or not. I think it’s in line with the other dominant alpha male savage behaviors like the dickpunching and emasculating. It’s an internalized fear, implanted and encouraged by mainstream culture, “thug” culture and gangsta culture, of the young black man and of his hyper-masculine presence. It may also…and here I’m drifting into psychotherapy land, which is always sketchy when talking about kink…possibly be enough of an “other” that the husband doesn’t feel \*emotionally \*cuckolded. That’s what he needs to feel safe - the assurance that his wife won’t be interested in this man other than as a sexual partner, because he’s as different from her mate as it’s possible to be. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/38 "2012-10-22T03:59:42Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > ETA: And, as always with sex, there’s nothing wrong or unhealthy about it, as long as everyone involved truly is consenting and proper safety precautions are taken. And “of age”. I hope.:eek: ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/39 "2012-10-22T04:10:20Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > And “of age”. I hope.:eek: Part and parcel of “consenting”, in a legal sense. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2012, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427/40 "2012-10-22T13:40:27Z")
Not really. A minor can consent; s/he just can’t give **valid** consent. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-men-have-a-cuckold-fantasy/638427.md?page=3)