# Why do some people hate ingratiating behavior? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 16, 2011, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914 "2011-08-16T16:05:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/21 "2011-08-16T20:09:28Z")
Obvious obsequious flattery can be fun once in a while. But I can always get that at certain fine establishments as long as I keep placing fivers under the staff’s garters 😉 Plain old eagerness to please OTOH is pleasant if sincere, but as **hogarth** and \*\* Master Blaster\*\* mention, too much of it can create an imbalance in the interaction and also cause discomfort if the object of the attention knows s/he’s unwilling or unable to reciprocate. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/22 "2011-08-16T20:12:51Z")
In personal life, the behavior the OP was referring to is borderline creepy. If they’re overly friendly and trying really hard to make me happy, it freaks me out and automatically puts them at a disadvantage. I don’t like to be friends with people who don’t think enough of themselves to meet me on equal terms. If you can’t speak to me as an equal, please don’t try to engage me in conversation at all. In professional life, like people said up thread, no one likes a kiss-ass. I think that sometimes you do need to grease the wheels by being nice to someone, but only if you’re also being genuine. If what you’re saying isn’t true, they’ll know it and so will everyone around you. Then you’ll be the office suck up. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/23 "2011-08-16T20:28:34Z")
Go watch _Deadwood_. Ask yourself: why doesn’t anybody like EB Farnum? ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/24 "2011-08-16T22:29:28Z")
I really hate it when I see people do it to other people besides me. That’s just icky. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/25 "2011-08-16T22:42:56Z")
The only people I expect to act like waiters are waiters. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/26 "2011-08-17T01:29:23Z")
We don’t value things that come too easily. If you go to the store and they’re selling chicken for $1 per pound, your first natural thought will be that something is wrong with this chicken. Even if the chicken looks and smells perfectly fine, you’ll question the quality of the product and take on the assumption that it’s probably inferior to more expensive chicken. Even if you buy it and eat it, you’re be more critical of how it tastes. Get a little bubble gut after eating it? Blame it on that cheapass chicken. People evaluate each other the same way. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/27 "2011-08-17T02:20:48Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > Hmmmm…maybe I’m using the wrong word. I’m talking about an eagerness to please and pursuing intimacy prematurely. In a social or dating context, not so much of a work context. Because it’s fucking creepy dude! My immediate thought is “is this guy coming on to me?” ---
**Author:** ![brittekland](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@brittekland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brittekland)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/28 "2011-08-17T02:36:19Z")
Unfortunately it is human nature to chase if you run whereas if you chase they run… but then if you don’t chase they may never notice you at all and you can’t run until you’re chased. There’s art to this I hear. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![OneMissedPost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8e7dd6/32.png) [@OneMissedPost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneMissedPost)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/29 "2011-08-17T02:48:36Z")
I have never been against flattery… ever. I love when people flatter me. I love when people constantly compliment me. 🙂 It makes me feel good about myself. ---
**Author:** ![brittekland](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@brittekland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brittekland)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/30 "2011-08-17T03:04:43Z")
> [@OneMissedPost](#): > > I have never been against flattery… ever. I love when people flatter me. I love when people constantly compliment me. 🙂 It makes me feel good about myself. If you ever go to friend’s exhibition or performance, remember _flattery only_. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/31 "2011-08-17T09:09:38Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > Hmmmm…maybe I’m using the wrong word. I’m talking about an eagerness to please and pursuing intimacy prematurely. In a social or dating context, not so much of a work context. It took me a long time to realize that a lot of the men I dated in Miami may not even have believed what they told me about their goals in life and their notions of marriage: they were merely telling me what they thought I would want to hear. Turns out what they thought I wanted to hear was a surefire way to make me run away. If they had thought about who _I_ was for a minute, they would have realized that someone with an Engineering degree and who is in graduate school is unlikely to have “homemaker” as her dream job. My experience with those and other eager-to-please folk is that they start by talking to stereotypes, not to the actual person in front of them. Many of them will change gears in mid-rap if you point out that you lean a different way. Why would I want to be in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with somene who, rather than showing himself to me, tries to play “mirror, mirror on the wall”? Why would I want to have a relationship that’s based on a huge lie? ---
**Author:** ![gallows\_fodder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8c91f0/32.png) [@gallows\_fodder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallows_fodder)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/32 "2011-08-17T12:26:56Z")
Your own definition of ingratiating is “an eagerness to please and pursuing intimacy **prematurely** ” – that’s the answer right there. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/33 "2011-08-19T02:22:20Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Bolding mine. > > I came here to say sometime snobbery is often a factor. > > Some people’s moral code includes such things as “if they aren’t as capable/knowledgable/educated/sucessful/rich/popular/whatever as me then they are actually worth less as a human being than I am. Therefore I can treat /they deserved to be treated like shit”. Not pretty but there it is. It has nothing to do with “treating people like shit.” People like to be around their equals. What is the benefit for me to hang around someone less intelligent, less sophisticated, or less capable than me? Sure, elevating others out is fun at first and can give you a bit of an ego boost. But eventually, they come to resent that help as much as the other person resents having to give it all the time. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914/34 "2011-08-19T02:50:32Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > It has nothing to do with “treating people like shit.” People like to be around their equals. What is the benefit for me to hang around someone less intelligent, less sophisticated, or less capable than me? Sure, elevating others out is fun at first and can give you a bit of an ego boost. But eventually, they come to resent that help as much as the other person resents having to give it all the time. Note the word “some” in my post. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-some-people-hate-ingratiating-behavior/592914.md?page=1)