# Why do you care who your SO is physically intimate with **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 31, 2011, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-you-care-who-your-so-is-physically-intimate-with/601420 "2011-10-31T20:02:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2011, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-you-care-who-your-so-is-physically-intimate-with/601420/41 "2011-11-02T12:54:15Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > The definition most normal-ish people use to refer to a relationship with someone they have an emotional connection with. But you seem to be saying that exclusive access to sex is part of the definition of “significant other.” That’s fine if you want to use the phrase that way. But then the question is–why have a significant other? And if your answer is “because we seek that kind of emotional connection,” then you’ve forgotten all about the exclusive sexual access thing. Feel free to parse the question as: “Why do you care who a person you have an exclusively committed emotional relationship with has sex with?” Whence, for you, the connection between commitment and sex? Because of you connect them together? Because you know your present SO connects them? Some other reason? None of the above? > [@](#): > > Frankly, your question is a little bizarre. Not at all. Only about 75% of respondants have answered “because of what sex and commitment mean to me” or “both B and C.” The other 25%, then, do not see an such a strong connection between sex and commitment. That’s a minority, but it’s certainly not so small a minority to count as “bizarre.” Then they would be a “friend”, not your significant other. [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2011, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-you-care-who-your-so-is-physically-intimate-with/601420/42 "2011-11-02T13:59:19Z")
Why do I care? Because we’re married, and his junk is _mine_, hands off. To me, commitment means (among other things) an exclusive deal where we get to play with each other’s happy bits but nobody else gets to. My SO feels similarly, so I chose the “both” option. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2011, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-you-care-who-your-so-is-physically-intimate-with/601420/43 "2011-11-02T14:05:48Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > But you seem to be saying that exclusive access to sex is part of the definition of “significant other.” That’s fine if you want to use the phrase that way. But then the question is–why have a significant other? And if your answer is “because we seek that kind of emotional connection,” then you’ve forgotten all about the exclusive sexual access thing. Most people don’t separate “exclusive sexual access” from “emotional connection” with someone who they consider to be in a significant relationship with. It may beg the question, but as Chris Rock says, a “relationship” is mostly “eating together and fucking”. If you don’t like eating together and you aren’t fucking, you don’t need to be in a relationship. > [@Frylock](#): > > Not at all. Only about 75% of respondants have answered “because of what sex and commitment mean to me” or “both B and C.” The other 25%, then, do not see an such a strong connection between sex and commitment. That’s a minority, but it’s certainly not so small a minority to count as “bizarre.” First of all, the SDMB skews more highly towards emotionally damaged weirdos than the real world. No office. Second, it’s bizarre because it shows an unusual level of emotional detatchment for someone who purports to be in a “significant” relationship with someone. A SO relationship is, by definition, an exclusive sexual relationship. What are you committing to if not to refrain from fucking other people? ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2011, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-you-care-who-your-so-is-physically-intimate-with/601420/44 "2011-11-02T17:48:10Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > First of all, the SDMB skews more highly towards emotionally damaged weirdos than the real world. No office. > > Second, it’s bizarre because it shows an unusual level of emotional detatchment for someone who purports to be in a “significant” relationship with someone. A SO relationship is, by definition, an exclusive sexual relationship. What are you committing to if not to refrain from fucking other people? [ul] [li]I do not believe my wife and I are ‘emotionally damaged weirdos’, and I’m frankly offended by the suggestion.[/li][li]Nor are we emotionally detached–on the contrary, we regularly surprise people with the level of demonstrative affection we show each other even after twenty-one years of marriage.[/li][li]Your obsession with sexual fidelity as the only thing two people could be committing to each other is simply bizarre to me. We’ve committed to plenty of things, thanks: to share our home and lives, to raise our children together, to support each other in everything to do, to care for each other when one of us is sick or in need, to always connect with complete honesty and trust. That we did not commit to sexual exclusivity does not detract from the value of these other committments.[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![1010011010](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/ea666f/32.png) [@1010011010](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1010011010)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-you-care-who-your-so-is-physically-intimate-with/601420/45 "2011-11-04T19:33:14Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Then they would be a “friend”, not your significant other. Sexual exclusivity isn’t the sine qua non if “significant other”, fella. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-you-care-who-your-so-is-physically-intimate-with/601420/46 "2011-11-04T19:42:07Z")
> [@SCSimmons](#): > > [ul] > [li]I do not believe my wife and I are ‘emotionally damaged weirdos’, and I’m frankly offended by the suggestion.[/li][li]Nor are we emotionally detached–on the contrary, we regularly surprise people with the level of demonstrative affection we show each other even after twenty-one years of marriage.[/li][li]Your obsession with sexual fidelity as the only thing two people could be committing to each other is simply bizarre to me. We’ve committed to plenty of things, thanks: to share our home and lives,\*\* to raise our children together\*\*, to support each other in everything to do, to care for each other when one of us is sick or in need, to always connect with complete honesty and trust. **That we did not commit to sexual exclusivity does not detract from the value of these other committments.** [/li][/ul] You sure they’re really yours? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-you-care-who-your-so-is-physically-intimate-with/601420/47 "2011-11-04T19:50:28Z")
Give it up, **smith**. You’re in polyamory/polgyny or whatever town now. There is an unusually high amount of people here who scoff at monogamy, dismissing it as petty jealousy. “My wife fucks the entire village – what’s the problem?” Yeah, you may just want to drop this one and have a beer or something. Stranger’s back. Yay![/fangirl] ---
**Author:** ![Cryptic\_C62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@Cryptic\_C62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cryptic_C62)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-you-care-who-your-so-is-physically-intimate-with/601420/48 "2011-11-04T20:07:28Z")
I don’t have a significant other at the moment, but there was a time in my life in which I could look two different women in the eye and say “I love you” (romantic, not platonic), followed immediately thereafter by kissing and canoodling and whatnot. Each was fully aware of the extent to which I cared for them and for the other person. Conversely, I never had a problem with either of them wanting to see/touch/taste other people. Hell, I’ve even gone so far as to give them advice for their boy troubles whenever needed. It’s common enough to be attracted to multiple people simultaneously, but I am a firm believer in the idea that is possible to truly love multiple people as well. This doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I see no reason why my feelings for one person should be artificially extinguished, nor do I see any reason why someone else’s feelings or actions should be modified just because they care about me. Vaguely reminiscent of the swinger mentality, I suppose, but with less marijuana involved. 😛 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-you-care-who-your-so-is-physically-intimate-with/601420.md?page=2)