I’ve heard that, too. But I guess even the molesters don’t always know necessarily. Like we can step back and “intellecutalize” but when we make sexual decisions, are any of us really analyzing? Still…it’s just so odd to wonder what is going on in their minds? Or what are they feeling? What takes them over?
One in four households has experienced some degree of sexual abuse of children. That was the figure I was taught in the 80’s.
So it always surprises me at how strongly people react when they learn that a registered sex offender is moving to their area. I suspect there is some kind of mental gymnastics that many of us do that prevents us from thinking that Uncle Fred, who was a little buzzed and groped our daughter at Christmas - all a mistake - is a sex offender.
I think most of us live with some level of sexual abuse in our family histories and it’s much easier to think the real offenders are the “others.”
And I think it’s important to say that the fact that it’s so rampant isn’t cause for vigilanteism or overreaction. I’d like to look at it more as a matter that many people aren’t taught good boundaries or coping skills.
As common as it’s been throughout history I think it’s fair to say that it is a part of human nature. That is to seek comfort or domination through sexuality and also to develop a selfish style of achieving the same.
If we could recognize the more casual and less damaging acts of sexualizing children and recognize that we play some part in that perhaps we could heighten our own public awareness.
As it stands presently, mention of it raises no number of strong reactions which makes it difficult to deal with at both personal and public levels.
There you have it. Extreme narcissim, plus emotional stunting (ie mistaking simple interest for " s/he lead me on!) I quite frankly don’t believe that it’s an orenitation. More like them mistaking extreme OCD thoughts for “love”/attraction.
There’s also the fact that a lot of them may have been sexually abused themselves, and so think by acting out the abuse they’ll be able to “heal” (the same way females who have been raped can turn rather promesticus)
It seems to be a perfect storm sort of thing.
Thanks for a frank and pretty rational discussion.
Sorry, if the whole situation got pretty far when you were age 11, I doubt it’s a case of confusing adult body with adult unless you were an incredibly early bloomer. There’s a technical term I can’t remember for guys who are attracted to young adolescents, since “ped-” means child and generally is taken for prepubescent.
Yeah, I’m sure the guy rationalized the heck out of things, and it was convenient for him that you froze instead of resisting. (I cannot say in any way it is your fault. “Convenient for him” is the neutral to perp-blaming phrase).
it’s a tough decision; the closest analogy I can think of is the abused spouse. The simple truth is that a spouse is usually abused because the abuser is in a position of power; they usually have the income, the strength, and the willingness to exploit. Despite all the pab and platitudes, anyone can see (and the abused usually does) the consequences of reporting - the whole life ends; if the abuser goes to jail, no income. Regardless, the house and the car and the groceries and everything is gone. If the abused spouse does ot have an equivalent job, their life is over. Thus they tolerate more and more abuse because the alternative is worse in their mind.
So with you… the only stable person in your home life, and whatever might have happened earlier, you were well aware that any reporting would basically take him away. Whether he consciously or unconsciously exploited that, he did act. If he was sincerely deluded, he failed to pick up on obvious cues. Did he/you share those moments and heart-to-heart talks, etc. that would truly be part of a serious realtionship? I’m guessing not. So he missed or ignored cues other than active resistance that should have told him you were not a willing participant in that level of relationship. Still it’s his fault, not yours.
I think a lot of people do not talk about their trauma because they do not want to be an exhibit, or an object of pity. That’s the way I would feel. Some stuff is private.
I WAS an incredibly early bloomer, so it’s hard to say. I had also been through a lot by the time I was eleven so I was a little more self-aware and mature than the average 11 year old. I was not an adult, or anything like an adult, but I can see how someone could have deluded themselves into believing, in the very least, I was mature enough for a sexual relationship. I had never heard of people sexually attracted to adolescents; that’s a possibility too I guess.
I understand where other people are coming from – I don’t often discuss this in real life for similar reasons. I feel like the Dope is the only place I really CAN talk about it with no consequence. There are times where it would be really nice if I COULD reach out – most people when they are dealing with stress or drama can call someone and talk about it. It’s not something you can call up a friend and discuss in any helpful way. They might sympathize, but it’s unlikely that they will relate or be able to give advice. In a way, all of us who have been through this are on our own to deal with it.
I am beyond the need for pity, though I do get frustrated/depressed sometimes that I am still dealing with the aftermath of those events after such a long time. Especially because I have taken what I view to be extraordinary measures to deal with it in the best way possible. Some people like being a victim. I don’t. I have expended thousands of dollars and countless years of therapy, some of it very time-consuming and unpleasant, not ‘‘please pat me on the head and tell me about how sorry you feel for me’’ therapy, but REAL therapy, ‘‘get off your ass and do something about it’’ therapy.
The prolonged exposure I mentioned above required me to get up at 6am every morning and devote an hour a day to severe anxiety (intentionally trying to provoke anxiety/fear/helplessness/horror), then spend that evening doing the ‘‘in vivo’’ part which meant identifying an action that tended to trigger flashbacks (like watching a scary movie) and deliberately doing it. I devoted all my time and energy to that during my first semester of graduate school, on top of an internship and full-time coursework. And yes, progress was made–in some ways, significant progress–particularly around my mother’s abuse. But there are still issues I have. And it’s incredibly frustrating after all that hard work to go in to see a new therapist and see, yet again, scrawled under ‘‘PRIMARY DIAGNOSIS,’’ the label ‘‘PTSD.’’ And by ‘‘incredibly frustrating’’ I mean sometimes I want to put my fist through a wall.
I think “ephebophile” is the word you want here.