# Why does every damn social meeting have to involve the whole fucking family? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 10, 2011, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236 "2011-08-10T19:02:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/61 "2011-08-11T15:57:31Z")
Leaffan, why did you marry her? It sounds like she was controlling from the very start. I am sorry for your situation. It doesn’t sound fair or healthy. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/62 "2011-08-11T16:01:12Z")
You and your wife need to have a “Come to Jesus” talk about that. It sounds to me like the fact that you have friends that you spend time with outside of her makes her insecure. If she was secure, she wouldn’t have any issue negotiating out when you can do your guy stuff and when you might not want to. I can understand some of it going by the wayside because family life has more responsibilities than carefree bachelor-hood, but by no means should all of it have to go by the wayside for it. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/63 "2011-08-11T16:04:17Z")
What if you stipulated that there would be no beer drinking? Her reaction to that might help pinpoint the concern on her part. ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/64 "2011-08-11T16:09:47Z")
I LOVE it when my husband has plans to get together with his buddies. Your friend’s wives are nuts. When he’s gone a whole weekend, it is total bliss. The house is so quiet I could hear a pin drop onto carpet from a different floor. Just thinking about it gives me peace. He doesn’t do it nearly often enough quite frankly, but I don’t like to push. ETA: two summers ago we had a huge fight (for us it was huge, we don’t fight often) when he said I needed to do more travel for work. This was after changing jobs because I traveled too much! The year before I was basically gone for 6 months on a consulting gig. Caused a huge fight, so I know never to tell my spouse that they need to go away more often. God help him if he says it again to me. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/65 "2011-08-11T16:22:09Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Leaffan, why did you marry her? It sounds like she was controlling from the very start. I am sorry for your situation. It doesn’t sound fair or healthy. This kind of controlling creeps up slowly, and sometimes you don’t see it until it’s too late. Every time, the controller asks for a small, reasonable thing. After years, all those little things are a pattern it’s hard to break out of. It’s the same way abusers separate their SOs from their friends and family. Not speaking for Leaffan, and not saying his wife is an abuser. It’s just a pattern I’ve seen a lot with very controlling people. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/66 "2011-08-11T16:27:06Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > What if you stipulated that there would be no beer drinking? Her reaction to that might help pinpoint the concern on her part. Oh, I have, and yes, it did make it easier on occasion. I understand that. Is it right for her to dictate to a responsible adult what beverage he may choose to drink? I think not. If I’m going golfing with friends there will be beer. I’ve gone golfing and abstained, and sorry, it just isn’t the same. She grew up in a family of teetotalers, and I grew up where the booze came out for every occasion. We’ve compromised over the years to the point where she knows if I’m driving I’ll be coming home in good shape. It’s still difficult to get away at all though. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/67 "2011-08-11T16:28:08Z")
> [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](#): > > This kind of controlling creeps up slowly, and sometimes you don’t see it until it’s too late. Every time, the controller asks for a small, reasonable thing. After years, all those little things are a pattern it’s hard to break out of. It’s the same way abusers separate their SOs from their friends and family. > > Not speaking for Leaffan, and not saying his wife is an abuser. It’s just a pattern I’ve seen a lot with very controlling people. Totally this. ---
**Author:** ![rogerbox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/76d3ee/32.png) [@rogerbox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rogerbox)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/68 "2011-08-11T16:35:11Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Sometimes, when you get married and have kids, telling them on a Saturday “I’m going over to **Acsenray** ’s house to hang out for the afternoon” just doesn’t cut it. > > It wouldn’t work in my family. **My wife would want to know why** , … Are you…are you being _serious_? That question is on the same plane of obviousness as “Why do you want to eat pizza?” to me. That doesn’t sound fun. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/69 "2011-08-11T16:37:00Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Ok, well, let’s see. > > Before we met, I typically went out with the boys after work on Fridays for a few beers. After we met, she started coming along. Hey, it’s a pubic bar, shrug. Nice! But seriously, you don’t seem to ever have been so keen on her. If your reaction to her hanging out with you back when you first met was “Well, can’t stop you,” I’m wondering the same thing as **Living Well**. What was the attraction to begin with? ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/70 "2011-08-11T16:40:46Z")
It was fun at the beginning. The death of a thousand cuts started after we moved in together. The comment about “it’s a public bar” sounds a little callous. I didn’t intend it that way, I just meant that we both continued with my tradition of going out after work on Fridays. She didn’t mind me going, as long as she could come along, and everyone was fine with it, including me. (I’m only talking about 3 or 4 beers over a couple of hours, not the entire evening.) ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/71 "2011-08-11T16:42:10Z")
Plus, if you’re not having fun at the pubic bar, where can you have fun? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![rogerbox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/76d3ee/32.png) [@rogerbox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rogerbox)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/72 "2011-08-11T16:46:15Z")
> [@rogerbox](#): > > Are you…are you being _serious_? That question is on the same plane of obviousness as “Why do you want to eat pizza?” to me. That doesn’t sound fun. I only read until the post I quoted when I wrote this, so it sounds snippy, reading your follow up posts I am just very sorry that your life is like that my friend. ☹ Definitely this is the type of thing you should’ve talked about and set ground rules for before getting married and having kids though… have you tried TELLING her that you’re going to hang out with your friends instead of pleading as if you even need to? It sounds like she is a control freak matched up with a passive person in you. I had an ex-who did the same passive aggressive stuff because she also had no friends and no life other than me. I couldn’t go to a friend’s house for a few hours to play video games or I would come home and she would literally be laying in down staring at the ceiling doing NOTHING. When I would talk on the phone to anyone for more than 5 minutes she would SIGH at the top of her lungs and HUFF (literally imagine how childish that sounds) to express her displeasure at me not paying attention to her. It’s pathetic and insecure and until I dumped her, I decided I was just going to do what I wanted because it wasn’t worth having no life just to keep someone else happy. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/73 "2011-08-11T16:47:54Z")
It’s a matter of time at this point. I can’t leave the kids. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/74 "2011-08-11T16:53:05Z")
> [@Jonathan\_Chance](#): > > DING! > > I hear this complaint from time to time. But I ignore it. And here’s the reason for those of you who don’t get it: > > **I enjoy hanging out with my family MUCH more than I enjoy hanging out with you.** > > Hope that clears it up. Concur, and I’d just like to add, my family is _more important_ too. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/75 "2011-08-11T16:56:54Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Concur, and I’d just like to add, my family is _more important_ too. Every fucking minute of your life? There’s not one second during which you might prefer someone else’s company. I’m married, I get it. But every kind of relationship – mother, father, brother, spouse, child, uncle, aunt, work friend, new friend, old friend, mentor, protege, the friend whom you only play sports with, the friend whom you only see movies with – every one is unique in its own way. That whole rainbow of human relationships doesn’t interest you? ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/76 "2011-08-11T17:02:07Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Every fucking minute of your life? There’s not one second during which you might prefer someone else’s company. I’m married, I get it. But every kind of relationship – mother, father, brother, spouse, child, uncle, aunt, work friend, new friend, old friend, mentor, protege, the friend whom you only play sports with, the friend whom you only see movies with – every one is unique in its own way. That whole rainbow of human relationships doesn’t interest you? It’s not an either/or for a lot of people. I am close to my parents and siblings, but my husband is welcome when I hang out with them and is part of the relationship. I’m close to my friends, but they’re also friends with my husband. For many of us, we can have a rich network of friends and family without our immediate families ever being excluded. So, if I like hanging out with my family and I can choose between friends and family who embrace that versus those who don’t, which do you think I’m going to choose? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/77 "2011-08-11T17:03:12Z")
> [@rogerbox](#): > > Are you…are you being _serious_? That question is on the same plane of obviousness as “Why do you want to eat pizza?” to me. That doesn’t sound fun. It’s not a question of why you would want to engage in the activity, it’s why should your wife have to be stuck with the kids while you do it. Weekends are family time. If you’re going to ditch them (and expect your spouse to pick up your slack), you better have a legitimate reason. Hanging out with your buddy to watch movies is not a legitimate reason. Personally, I no longer see the appeal in that kind of thing anyway. I’d much rather hang out with my family. Anyone who prefers their buddies to their families probably should not have made a family to begin with. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/78 "2011-08-11T17:06:21Z")
OK, I can relate to this a little. I was seriously dating someone, and I once mentioned that I was going to a Dopefest. She was very upset about that – not that I was going but that I didn’t invite her along. I guess that she didn’t want me having a life outside of her, but she had plenty of friends outside of me. She awesome in almost every way, but she did have a core of insecurity. ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/79 "2011-08-11T17:11:44Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s not a question of why you would want to engage in the activity, it’s why should your wife have to be stuck with the kids while you do it. > > Weekends are family time. If you’re going to ditch them (and expect your spouse to pick up your slack), you better have a legitimate reason. Hanging out with your buddy to watch movies is not a legitimate reason. > > Personally, I no longer see the appeal in that kind of thing anyway. I’d much rather hang out with my family. Anyone who prefers their buddies to their families probably should not have made a family to begin with. What a load of shit. When I was married with kids, the wife and I would each go hang out with friends when we felt like it. What kind of puritanical mindset do you have to have to believe you should never enjoy hanging out with anyone but your family? Kids are grown now and we’re divorced, but it sure as hell wasn’t because of spending time away from the family. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236/80 "2011-08-11T17:13:54Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Every fucking minute of your life? My wife and kids are more important to me than anybody else every second of my life, yes. > [@](#): > > There’s not one second during which you might prefer someone else’s company. There never has been yet. > [@](#): > > I’m married, I get it. But every kind of relationship – mother, father, brother, spouse, child, uncle, aunt, work friend, new friend, old friend, mentor, protege, the friend whom you only play sports with, the friend whom you only see movies with – every one is unique in its own way. That whole rainbow of human relationships doesn’t interest you? You’re drawing a false dichotomy here. Saying I value and prefer the company of my family above the company of others does not equate to a statement that I therefore shun all other relationships. I don’t really have time for “buddy” type relationships anymore (and most of my close friends live in other states anyway, but I can and do enjoy other casual relationships and friendships. They are ancillary, though. Either very casual, or part of the wider circle that already includes my family. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-every-damn-social-meeting-have-to-involve-the-whole-fucking-family/592236.md?page=5)