# Why does feeling attractive feel creepy? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 8, 2017, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701 "2017-03-08T16:48:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/41 "2017-03-09T18:38:08Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > I’m back, and I’m seeing that my OP may have inadvertently sent some people off on the wrong track. For those of you suggesting that maybe I’m treated differently than I was when I was unattractive, that’s not the case. I think Miss\_Gnomer put it more succinctly than anyone: “And yes … it is creepy!!! Our societies put so much emphasis on looks and so little on character.” And **Fruitbat2** , I think you hit on the truth as well: That a woman can have something substantive to say, and her message so often gets lost as the people she’s talking to instead analyze how sexy her figure looks or how egregious it is that she forgot to wax her upper lip. You want to become a substantive person, but as you realize that good looks will earn you more admiration than anything you can say (not universally true, but true more often than we’d like to admit), you start to wonder if devoting more time to your looks really would be a better use of your time than working on your intellect and character. And you don’t want to think that way, but that thought process is just reinforced by the conversations you hear all around you. > > To give a little further context to my OP: I really didn’t actually “become more attractive” in the eyes of most people last year; in fact, to some I specifically became less attractive because they thought I was getting too thin. What happened is that I, as an avid weigh-lifter, have been trying for years to get my body fat lower, and last year I was finally able to do that. I went from 135 lbs. to 125 lbs., and became very slightly more muscular. Trust me, the difference was not big enough to make any sort of appreciable difference in terms of how much I got checked out, or how much other people perceived me as attractive. But I was able to reach the goal by placing a tremendous emphasis on physical appearances in my life, and while it felt rather uncomfortable, when so many of the signals sent by society indicated that I was on the right track, that I was RIGHT to place tremendous emphasis on my physical appearance because it truly is one of the most valued traits in a woman, it was very hard to keep from spiraling further and further down that trap. That is interesting. I’d just keep in mind that health trumps perceived societal approval. Did the comments about looking to thin cause you to modify your diet or weightlifting? ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/42 "2017-03-09T18:42:59Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > Did the comments about looking to thin cause you to modify your diet or weightlifting? This is a fascinating question, or rather, a fascinating answer, because it’s so at odds with what’s been discussed earlier in the thread. No, they absolutely did not, because the aesthetic that I wanted to see when I looked in the mirror completely trumped whatever aesthetic some friends or coworkers might want to see. And the aesthetic I admire is actually an aesthetic that many people find unattractive (essentially, lots of muscle tone on a woman). ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/43 "2017-03-09T18:58:59Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > This is a fascinating question, or rather, a fascinating answer, because it’s so at odds with what’s been discussed earlier in the thread. No, they absolutely did not, because the aesthetic that I wanted to see when I looked in the mirror completely trumped whatever aesthetic some friends or coworkers might want to see. And the aesthetic I admire is actually an aesthetic that many people find unattractive (essentially, lots of muscle tone on a woman). Yeah, but the people who like that look _really_ like it! As an aside - I’m pretty anti-tatoo. I find them juvenile and generally ugly. When my 60+ sister-in-law said she was going to get one, I was pretty outspoken about my opinion of them. But, as we were talking, I said well, I guess I practice my own type of “body modification,” something that isn’t universally regarded as attractive, so who am I to criticize. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/44 "2017-03-09T19:36:08Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > **Why does feeling attractive feel creepy?** I’m not sure how to answer this. I’ve never been sought after or fought over. I only gained a wife because she was bored and it seemed the natural progression over time. I’ve lived my life at the opposite end of that spectrum; catching grief from guys who thought I “challenged” them… and catching abuse on the street from women who I don’t even know so they could feel superior. Yeah, its made things easy as ‘fuck You’ is a pretty easy social default if you think about it. I guess I can only answer the question with another question… and from the other side of the coin: Why does NOT feeling attractive… day in and day out… feel so Incredibly Liberating…? ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/45 "2017-03-09T21:20:22Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > Well, personally, I like being checked out. Though maybe this comment wasn’t specifically directed at me. Though on further thought, there is a type of checking out that I don’t like, and that’s where the gaze lingers to the point where it seems like the man feels entitled to look at you for as long as he wants. That’s disturbing. Does every woman like being checked out? Around here, yoga pants are all the rage. I think women look great in yoga pants. If they wear them in public, I am going to check them out, those are just the rules. If women like the attention (and I often hear they do), then this may be the truest example of a win-win situation ever discovered. But maybe there is just the one that catches me checking her out, and seems to resent it. Then I think, maybe they are creeped out, maybe more feel that way and don’t let on, and that makes me a sort of creepy person. But I keep doing it. And every day I wake up and go back out into the world and they are all wearing yoga pants again. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/46 "2017-03-09T21:31:36Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > This is a fascinating question, or rather, a fascinating answer, because it’s so at odds with what’s been discussed earlier in the thread. No, they absolutely did not, because the aesthetic that I wanted to see when I looked in the mirror completely trumped whatever aesthetic some friends or coworkers might want to see. And the aesthetic I admire is actually an aesthetic that many people find unattractive (essentially, lots of muscle tone on a woman). If you are acting healthily and pleased with yourself the opinions of others should be a distant 7th on your priority list. Just out of curiosity, are you doing a weightlifting for strength and fitness routine or a bodybuilding routine? ---
**Author:** ![Fruitbat2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5e9695/32.png) [@Fruitbat2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fruitbat2)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/47 "2017-03-09T21:52:26Z")
> [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](#): > > Does every woman like being checked out? > > Around here, yoga pants are all the rage. I think women look great in yoga pants. If they wear them in public, I am going to check them out, those are just the rules. > > If women like the attention (and I often hear they do), then this may be the truest example of a win-win situation ever discovered. But maybe there is just the one that catches me checking her out, and seems to resent it. Then I think, maybe they are creeped out, maybe more feel that way and don’t let on, and that makes me a sort of creepy person. > > But I keep doing it. And every day I wake up and go back out into the world and they are all wearing yoga pants again. In all probability, whatever women wear is because it’s comfortable, because it makes them feel good, because it was on sale, because they like to look nice for their husband or in general, because their regular pants don’t fit well right now or any number of other reasons that do not have a thing to do with you or what you personally find stimulating or not. It is not likely any of it is intended as a direct communication with you, such as to tease you or get your attention in any way. Surely, you realize that while we can all look at anything we want, if the person being looked at notices it enough to show signs of being uncomfortable, threatened, or annoyed, as you have noted, then you are most likely not simply looking but staring, leering or gawking, which we all know is rude if not frightening to the woman or girl who receives this from a stranger, right? So, the appropriate way to handle that feedback would be to realize you are gawking in an offensive way and stop it, not to say "Well, the whore asked for it by wearing something that I happen to find stimulating. Clearly, the world revolves around my sexual interest so I am entitled to stare her down if I choose to. This, folks, is an example of male entitlement. It’s not about you. Stop staring at women when you know they clearly don’t like it. They don’t need to consider you in their clothing choices. They are living their own lives, not putting themselves on display for you. ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/48 "2017-03-09T22:09:12Z")
Who said anything about whores? And I am not staring. ETA: But we’re getting somewhere in answering the OP! ---
**Author:** ![Fruitbat2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5e9695/32.png) [@Fruitbat2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fruitbat2)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/49 "2017-03-09T22:11:28Z")
> [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](#): > > Who said anything about whores? And I am not staring. > > ETA: But we’re getting somewhere in answering the OP! Sigh. “If they wear them in public, I am going to check them out. Those are just the rules.” No, they’re not. When women notice you leering and don’t like it, those are not the rules at all. You asked a question so you might want to listen to the reply. ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/50 "2017-03-09T22:17:26Z")
Thanks for your feedback. I think there is a line between “leering” and “checking out”. Am I going too far? Well, I have asked myself that question, so, maybe. There’s the rub. Women like to be checked out. Women don’t like to be checked out. Me liking to check them out isn’t so ambiguous. Creepiness ensues. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/51 "2017-03-09T22:33:44Z")
> [@Fruitbat2](#): > > In all probability, whatever women wear is because it’s comfortable, because it makes them feel good, because it was on sale, because they like to look nice for their husband or in general, because their regular pants don’t fit well right now or any number of other reasons that do not have a thing to do with you or what you personally find stimulating or not. It is not likely any of it is intended as a direct communication with you, such as to tease you or get your attention in any way. > > Surely, you realize that while we can all look at anything we want, if the person being looked at notices it enough to show signs of being uncomfortable, threatened, or annoyed, as you have noted, then you are most likely not simply looking but staring, leering or gawking, which we all know is rude if not frightening to the woman or girl who receives this from a stranger, right? > > So, the appropriate way to handle that feedback would be to realize you are gawking in an offensive way and stop it, not to say "Well, the whore asked for it by wearing something that I happen to find stimulating. Clearly, the world revolves around my sexual interest so I am entitled to stare her down if I choose to. > > This, folks, is an example of male entitlement. > > It’s not about you. Stop staring at women when you know they clearly don’t like it. They don’t need to consider you in their clothing choices. They are living their own lives, not putting themselves on display for you. People can look at what they wish to. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/52 "2017-03-09T22:36:45Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > People can look at what they wish to. People can do a LOT of things. Doesn’t mean they should. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/53 "2017-03-09T22:40:57Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > People can do a LOT of things. Doesn’t mean they should. If you are outside in public people are going to look at you. If you are speaking they may even listen to you. It’s public. Not private. If you go to the grocery store wearing sheer yoga pants and a pink thong. It will be noticed. That’s reality. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/54 "2017-03-09T23:02:02Z")
I know a few women who have trained for a type of pageant/competition that not really about bulk or strength, but more about achieving a very specific physical form. They go to great lengths to stick to very strict diet and exercise routines to achieve their goals. So to use the OP’s example of a difference of 10 pounds, it might not seem like a lot to most people but to the people in these competitions it’s huge and every ounce really does count. I can imagine that when such a small amount matters that much it’s easy to become completely obsessed. And while an individual might be OK with their personal level of obsession because they know they’re trying to reach their goal, I can see it feeling a little creepy/weird when it seems like society is cheering you on to a nearly unobtainable standard. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/55 "2017-03-09T23:33:17Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > It’s said, but it really isn’t anything like a parallel. Being lusted is not very similar to having power. You know what the big difference is? Violence. Violence makes people attractive? Really? ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/56 "2017-03-09T23:43:43Z")
> [@Fruitbat2](#): > > In all probability, whatever women wear is because it’s comfortable, because it makes them feel good, because it was on sale, because they like to look nice for their husband or in general, because their regular pants don’t fit well right now or any number of other reasons that do not have a thing to do with you or what you personally find stimulating or not. It is not likely any of it is intended as a direct communication with you, such as to tease you or get your attention in any way. > > Surely, you realize that while we can all look at anything we want, if the person being looked at notices it enough to show signs of being uncomfortable, threatened, or annoyed, as you have noted, then you are most likely not simply looking but staring, leering or gawking, which we all know is rude if not frightening to the woman or girl who receives this from a stranger, right? > > So, the appropriate way to handle that feedback would be to realize you are gawking in an offensive way and stop it, not to say "Well, the whore asked for it by wearing something that I happen to find stimulating. Clearly, the world revolves around my sexual interest so I am entitled to stare her down if I choose to. > > This, folks, is an example of male entitlement. > > It’s not about you. Stop staring at women when you know they clearly don’t like it. They don’t need to consider you in their clothing choices. They are living their own lives, not putting themselves on display for you. I may paint my car hot pink because I like having the color pink; that’s my right. I may technically be “painting it pink just for myself, not for others.” But I can hardly blame anyone other than myself if people gawk at my pink-painted car when I am on the freeway. ---
**Author:** ![Fruitbat2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5e9695/32.png) [@Fruitbat2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fruitbat2)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2017, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/57 "2017-03-10T00:57:55Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > I may paint my car hot pink because I like having the color pink; that’s my right. I may technically be “painting it pink just for myself, not for others.” But I can hardly blame anyone other than myself if people gawk at my pink-painted car when I am on the freeway. Do you really think an attractive woman is a pink-painted car on the highway? That’s a spectacle, not to mention an object, whereas women are people, not objects and not there to discover your rating of them on the attractiveness scale. Listen, I see attractive guys all the time and I look at them. It is simply not difficult to know the difference between looking and gawking or leering. Obviously, the way you would know is if the people you are looking at frequently notice. It’s creepy, disrespectful, and sometimes frightening. I shouldn’t have to go out in a burka to get the basic respect of not being leered at like I signed up for the red light district. Keep yourself to yourself, don’t foist yourself on strangers who haven’t in any way indicated that you are welcome into their world in any way. Guess what? Sometimes women just toss clothes on and happen to look good in them. It’s really, truly, not a personal communication with you. Does it strike you as a bit self-centered to think it is or that they are parading about waiting for your approval rating? Does this really need to be spelled out? Really? ---
**Author:** ![Fruitbat2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5e9695/32.png) [@Fruitbat2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fruitbat2)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2017, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/58 "2017-03-10T00:59:48Z")
Good lord. If anyone needs me, I’ll be taking some tylenol for the headache I did not have before the discussions on this forum this evening. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2017, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/59 "2017-03-10T01:40:00Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > If you are outside in public people are going to look at you. If you are speaking they may even listen to you. It’s public. Not private. > > If you go to the grocery store wearing sheer yoga pants and a pink thong. It will be noticed. That’s reality. So, thought experiment. You’re walking down the street, and you see [this young woman](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/ACcvG9t5T4E/hqdefault.jpg) coming your direction. You’re both in public: do you assert that you have a right to stare at this woman as much as you want? Do you argue that she would have no right to get upset at you for staring at her? ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2017, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701/60 "2017-03-10T01:50:49Z")
> [@Fruitbat2](#): > > Do you really think an attractive woman is a pink-painted car on the highway? That’s a spectacle, not to mention an object, whereas women are people, not objects and not there to discover your rating of them on the attractiveness scale. > [@](#): > > Guess what? Sometimes women just toss clothes on and happen to look good in them. It’s really, truly, not a personal communication with you. Does it strike you as a bit self-centered to think it is or that they are parading about waiting for your approval rating? If it makes you feel any better, checking out yoga pants really isn’t a matter of ranking attractiveness. Pretty much every woman looks good in yoga pants. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-feeling-attractive-feel-creepy/781701.md?page=4)