I agree. But I’m an introvert and am very happy if my weekend is spent puttering around the house, maybe going to a bookstore or having dinner with a friend or date.
One Thanksgiving, I spent four solid days by myself, with cats and books and movies. It was lovely.
But then you get back to work and people ask what you did with the long weekend. Hate that part.
Marriage is for lonely, insecure people who need validation for their life through someone else?
This is how I feel also. You can meet friends at all kinds of informal social events. There are online groups, and real-life groups. I attend a lot of sci-fi conventions, and have made many wonderful friendships there.
But romantic involvements require total dedication, a lot of sacrifice, and involve a lot of serious real-world implications, much of which revolve around $$$.
(A friend says, “Lend me fifty dollars till pay-day.” A spouse says, “We have to sell the second car to make the mortgage payments.”)
It largely depends on how you define “friends.” If it’s “people I have occasional pleasant interactions with” then yeah, that’s super-easy. If it’s “people I can talk to about my feelings/call when the shit hits the fan” that’s a whole lot harder. Sooooooo much harder. And I think that by and large, loner types tend toward the second definition, while more gregarious folks tend toward the first one. Me personally, I think that if it would never occur to me to tell you about the hilarious thing that happened to me at the gynecologist, we’re not friends. Acquaintances, maybe friendly acquaintances, but not friends.
I used to define “friends” the way you do. But using such a high threshold meant that I didn’t have any friends, which made me feel kind of lousy about my social prowess.
So over the past year, I have lowered my standards and started claiming friendly acquaintances as friends. It has done wonders for my self-esteem. My new rule for who counts as a friend is someone I feel comfortable accepting gifts from and who I give freely to. If there’s no excitement when I give someone a present, then I know that person isn’t my friend and that I don’t really care about them. They are just someone I’m being nice to.
Gifts. That was a surprising development.
For me, the selection process for romantic relationships is a whole lot tougher. If a guy manages to make the cut, then it means we’re compatible in ways that I am with few other people in the world. So from then on out, the relationship will not be difficult to maintain because if it wasn’t, it is unlikely they’d be my SO.
I have a friend that I’ve traveled with and will visit from time to time. I always have a good time when I’m around her, but usually by the end of my visit, I’m looking forward to saying goodbye. Our personalities work well together but only in short doses. If I had to live with her, I would likely die.
Most people have that effect on me, truth be told. That’s why dating has been difficult for me too.
There are only 24 hours in a day. You work 8 hours. You sleep 8 hours. The remaining 8 must be carefully rationed.
Sometime in my junior or senior year of college, my buddies and I noticed that, whenever a guy got a girlfriend, he kind of disappeared from the social circle. It was annoying, but we understood. We offered him a game of cards, a game of pool, a game of D&D. She offered him sex. No contest.
Once a guy gets married and has a child, his child becomes far more interesting than anything his friends will ever do.
just want to say thanks for this thread - it’s interesting.
I’ve been meaning to say this but keep thinking I need to wait until I can explain my own theory…but I can’t. so just thanks.
Now that I am forcibly removed from my wife, and we have to keep the relationship together without living together–I can say it’s hard. We are constantly carving out little times to call or text, but it’s hard to keep the relationship moving. If that same work is needed for friendship (not that I would know, haven’t had friends for years) then I can understand why it’s hard to do.
People in there 20’s and 30’s fall into these categories:
Sadly its hard to get these groups together since their priorities change. For example I have teenagers and no way would they want to hang with a family who has toddlers. So hence, the families with toddlers come together.
I remember back when I was single and it felt sooo awkward being around married couples.
What do they so “Bros before hos” and women say “Chicks before dicks”.
Yeah few GF’s or wives are happy to have there man hanging with his buds. My cousin recently got divorced, partly because he wanted to always go fishing with his friends.
You have some questionable views about women, Urbanredneck.
Why is that? Most wives want their man around, not out with his buds doing who knows what.
Its the same as he might not like it if it seems every night becomes “Girls Night Out”.
Given that social awkwardness can play out in a variety of ways, one scenario that can occur is a bit of a numbers game. With an SO, you only need to fine ONE person who fits into your particular brand of awkward; with friends, there is often a larger group dynamic at play that presents a more of a challenging situation.
On top of that, being with a partner can make anyone’s little social peculiarities grow into themselves, especially if you and the partner have some common ground of social weirdness. In those situations, having an SO can make you even less likely to do the work of finding and keeping friendships going.
This. My wife and I both have a decent enough circle of friends (both together and separately). But we do have our own little weirdness that we enjoy with each other.
First of all, I kind of disagree with the OPs premise. At least in that it can be universally applied. Some people clearly have a much easier time hanging out with their circle of friends than finding a SO.
But for someone who may be introverted or shy or otherwise find it difficult or undesirable to have a large circle of friends, it may actually be easier to have a single SO who they can focus their attention on. I sort of picture John Cusack’s character in Say Anything. He clearly had friends. But he’s rather spend his time with Ione Skye than goofing off with his buddies.
Lets say you want to take a vacation to some place, or even go out to see some big event.
If your just single, you can go by yourself.
If you want to go with friends, well thats a whole big dynamic of finding people who want to go, have the money, and willing to take the time.
Now with your SO most times you have an instant partner to do things with provided they think its also a good idea.
How many people have friends like that and in what amount? It was my understanding most men have 1 friend like that (their SO) and women have 3-5 on average. People they can share decently deep emotions with and whatnot.
I think it depends on how you meet your friends. Friends you meet through a support group to help you deal with a trauma are much more likely to end up the kind of friend you are describing than the kinds of people you meet in a cooking class. Mutual suffering among people who already feel hurt and isolated builds emotional closeness.
To the point of the OP though, all friendships really require is proximity and shared interests (or if you want deeper friendships, shared suffering). Romantic relationships require navigating a minefield of insecurities, judgments, unconscious calculations, hang ups, intense emotions, contradictory desires (If I’m too forward I seem desperate, if I’m too aloof I seem unobtainable) etc.
I don’t think having friends is harder than having a significant other. I work more at keeping my relationship with my wife healthy and vibrant than I do with any friend, because it matters more. SHE matters more. We almost screwed it up once before, and we’re determined not to let that happen again.
If I have a friend with whom I disagree on some hugely important issue–say the best way to rear children–we can just agree not to talk about it, or just stop hanging out. But my wife and I are life partners. We have to find a way to make marriage work, and that is not as easy as some think.
oh my god, i think i don’t have any friends