# Why does My sister hate me? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 11, 2013, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961 "2013-02-11T11:14:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Pooty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pooty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pooty)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/21 "2013-02-12T16:32:54Z")
Okay… I am a new at this… So I suck. Sorry about the font and the color, and my name is a nickname that my husband calls me and now some of my friends call me that also. Lol. Thank you all for the advise. Not one person thought I should try and write her questions and try and get to the bottom of this and maybe save a sister-sister relationship. I know she has serious problems but I just found that out recently. It’s all so new to me and I really don’t care that she hates me, I just want to know why. I am very sad and relieved that I’m not the only baby sister or brother hated in this world. So sad. Lab receiver? I never said it was youth. They have women’s softball. ---
**Author:** ![Pooty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pooty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pooty)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/22 "2013-02-12T16:37:05Z")
Not really releived. I shouldn’t say that. But after hearing all your advise and listening to similar stories. I am Definitley going to leave it along. I guess some part of me was getting excited that maybe she really finally wanted a relationship with me. I know, pathetic. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/23 "2013-02-12T16:45:36Z")
Now, now, no self loathing! Not needed, never appreciated, waste of time always. Don’t go there. ---
**Author:** ![Jr.DNA\_test](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d78d45/32.png) [@Jr.DNA\_test](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jr.DNA_test)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/24 "2013-02-12T16:49:54Z")
Why not try talking to her honestly? Like more than the college try. Going into it like a drama queen who feels hated ain’t the best angle, by the way. Don’t know if this has been done or suggested. Don’t seem like it. ---
**Author:** ![Pooty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pooty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pooty)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/25 "2013-02-12T17:09:45Z")
Elbows: you are exactly right. I liked your idea on sending the letters and keeping them very basic. That is exactly what I’m going to do. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/26 "2013-02-12T18:31:25Z")
I don’t know. Bitches be crazy, that’s why. ---
**Author:** ![Jr.DNA\_test](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d78d45/32.png) [@Jr.DNA\_test](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jr.DNA_test)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/27 "2013-02-12T18:32:21Z")
That made me laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Pooty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pooty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pooty)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/28 "2013-02-12T21:05:19Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > I don’t know. Bitches be crazy, that’s why. Haha! So true! ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/29 "2013-02-12T22:30:06Z")
I wasn’t fussing at ya, Poots, just explaining. Stick around, you’ll get some good advice around here! ---
**Author:** ![Pooty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pooty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pooty)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/30 "2013-02-12T22:44:03Z")
Oh, I know! I’m loving all of this. Everyones is so intelligent, warm and encouraging. I really appreciate it and for my first time ever doing something like this, it’s really awesome. I love the straight dope. ---
**Author:** ![Silence\_Lenore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e56c9b/32.png) [@Silence\_Lenore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silence_Lenore)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2013, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/31 "2013-02-12T23:44:01Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Yes, my sister developed a raging hatred for me when her life went into the shitter and she was forced to see my life up close. She’d just lost her home, we had just purchased ours, something neither she or I thought would happen. She is divorced and very bitter, has been many years. Angrier still to see we, who couldn’t be arsed to actually walk down the aisle, coming up on our 25th anniversary, while she was still alone and miserable. Now throw in that with a math degree and years of experience in IT, she could not find work, while we, who have always been lowly servers seem always to easily find employment and earn well. I suspect another factor was that while she has spent a lifetime talking about altruist feelings, she arrived at my home when I was receiving lots of respect and props for ongoing caregiving for a bedridden loved one, for many years. But the real kicker, I believe was coming into a magical reunion with a beautiful and accomplished daughter I had surrendered to adoption as a teenager. Unfortunately this coincided with the appropriate yet trying times of her own daughter, and last child, leaving home, and her alone. > > Ultimately I feel it was because she had very low expectations for me, and pretty high ones for herself. To suddenly see herself failing, where she never imagined, and then the double whammy of getting an up close look at the blessings I received, but in her eyes never deserved, was just too much for her to handle. I can kind of see why too, she felt she was more deserving of these things than I. I suppose I had always believed as she did, that I was the fuck up and she was by the book doing all the ‘right’ things, as opposed to my struggling and wandering, somewhat randomly from one thing to another. > > It hurt a great deal to realize she was pissed because my life didn’t crash and burn as she’d expected. That I had exceeded expectations, made her mad at me, not happy for me. As I’d been unaware, all along that this was how she viewed me, I was much taken aback indeed. I was extremely hurt… Wow. Change a few details and that could have been written by me. Reading that last part about your sister being mad because you exceeded expectations put into words what I had not been able to. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2013, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/32 "2013-02-13T00:07:22Z")
> [@Pooty](#): > > [COLOR=“rgb(255, 0, 255)”][COLOR=“DarkSlateBlue”]But she would always have negative things to say to me and would always want to prove she was better. I have always had bigger boobs than her and a curvier bottom. [/COLOR][/COLOR] Looks like she isn’t the only one who felt she had something to prove, and to complete strangers no less :dubious: Congrats on the bigger boobs and curvier bottom. Those were important points to make. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2013, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/33 "2013-02-13T00:17:50Z")
> [@Pooty](#): > > Lab receiver? I never said it was youth. They have women’s softball. Oh, I see. When you said you travelled together, I thought you meant for softball. ---
**Author:** ![Pooty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pooty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pooty)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2013, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/34 "2013-02-13T00:18:15Z")
Thank you! Lurker in NJ ---
**Author:** ![Pooty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pooty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pooty)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2013, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/35 "2013-02-13T00:20:42Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > Oh, I see. When you said you travelled together, I thought you meant for softball. Ya. We traveled together playing women’s softball. They have women’s tournaments all of the United States. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2013, 9:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/36 "2013-02-14T09:36:39Z")
> [@Enright3](#): > > 7 > That’s the magic post number that first mentioned the font. I thought it would be sooner than that! 🙂 > > I just came in here to amoeba my similar situation to this one. I have a sister in law that just hates me for some reason. For the life of me I can’t figure out why. Upon meeting my wife for the first time; the first words out of her mouth were “I got the good one.” Really? No “Nice to meet you,” or a simple “Hello?” I’m not sure we’ve spoken since then. I organized a family reunion which she was suddenly to ill to attend. She sent some homemade jelly to my brother and sister; but didn’t send any to me. It doesn’t bother me per-se; except the digging curiosity of what makes me such an undesirable person. I might add, similar to some of the examples above; she’s kind of a self loathing kind of person it seems. Whatever… Similar story. My middle aged sister married a guy that according to her was the most amazing guy in the world. Unfortunately, he took an instant dislike to me, for no reason that I can acertain, so now I have to work out how to see her without him around. I don’t have anything against him, but his hate vibe is so strong, I feel uncomfortable when he’s around. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2013, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/37 "2013-02-14T11:25:52Z")
I think it funny that people assume there must be a reason for people to hate them. Jealousy, real or imagined slights…"“she hates me because of X, so if I do Y, it will become better” Psychology says there are roughly three groups of reasons people don’t get along. The tree groups of reasons are arbitrary and have lots of overlap, but it might explain it a bit. 1. Psychologically, internal. Or: “bitches and dudes is crazy”. These are the difficult people, the people with personality disorders, the ones that go through friends and aqaintances (and the life opportunities they offer) like they go trough bags of nachos. Sooner or later, they fall out witth everyone but the ones that are macochistic enough to put up with their shit. If you have a fall out with someone like this, it isn’t your fault and there is very little you can do to make the relationship better. Past experiences are pretty much a guarantee of future results. You might help your sister with practical stuff like the phones, but it won’'t really help-help her, and it will cost you wayy to much. What complicates issues is that most people in this situation can’t accept that this is the case, and they make up reasons. If you take those reasons at face value and try to adress them, you might as well dig holes on the beach near the surf, pour the mud and water in buckets, and haul the buckets to the sea to empty them there. That is about as useful and probably less tiring, and certainly wreaks less havoc on your peace of mind and your self-esteem. 2. Psychological, relational. Here we have two otherwise reasonable people,and for some irrational reason, one just can’t stand the other. Sometimes the feeling is mutual. (the [theory of Core qualities and -allergie](http://www.jessemeijers.com/identifying-core-qualities-pitfalls-challenges-allergies-daniel-ofman/)s is useful here) Some people just rub each other the wrong way. I am not talking about initial dislike (say the first three times you interact); that often changes. But if you’ve worked or interacted together more then five times and you keep being annoyed, there’s just personal dislike and it won’t go away. It is no-ones fault, neither person is bad, but the best thing for each of you is to interact as little as you can and to keep things professional, short and businesslike. 3. Psychological, misunderstanding. This is the scenario that leads to Hollywood happy endings. This is where a good talk can help immensely. Here both partners were stuck in their insecurities and feelings of resentment, and when they talk openly, violin music begins to play. “I always resented you were moms favourite.” “But she kept on talking about how I should take care of her because you were the smart one and destined to study and become someone!”. Note: the healing usually begins when people stop accusing and admitting their own part. Also note how this strategy is completely irrational, self destructive and dangerous when you are dealing with someone from secanrio 1, above. 4. Material, relational. This is where Anna hates Bob because Bob royally screwed Anna over. Anna can forgive Bob, or not. Usually it depends on if Anna an Bob still have to offer each other anything, even if it is just dancing the Codependency Waltz together. Note that imagined slights like like “you left the care of mom to me” or “” you were always jealous of me and that is why you…" can very well actually be misunderstandings like mentioned in 3. Really, think it over, Pooty. Would you really hate anyone just because they’re doing better or worse in life then you? There would be no end to people you’'d have to dislike. It just doesn’t work that way. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2013, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/38 "2013-02-14T14:57:30Z")
Am I the only one who thought this was going to be a Penthouse forum letter? The whole “I’m, blonde, 5’7”, green eyes, athletic" thing was…odd. Okay, assuming that this is a serious post: Your sister has ruined her life. She will be spending the next decade behind bars. She has deeply impacted the life of a 13 year old boy. She’s blown up her own innocent family, and undoubtedly bankrupted them as well with legal fees. Think for a moment what her husband and children must be going through, just going to school/work. They’ve lost their wife and mother not to a noble death, but to a scandal of her own making. She’s a convicted felon and sex offender, and will be a pariah in the community when she is released. She’ll have difficulty ever getting a decent job. And in the midst of all that pain and turmoil, your reaction is “Why does my sister hate me?” I think a better question is, “Why did I capitalize ‘My’ in the OP”? ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2013, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/39 "2013-02-14T15:22:57Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Am I the only one who thought this was going to be a Penthouse forum letter? The whole “I’m, blonde, 5’7”, green eyes, athletic" thing was…odd. > > And in the midst of all that pain and turmoil, your reaction is “Why does my sister hate me?” No, you weren’t the only one. The “_I have always had bigger boobs than her and a curvier bottom_” did it for me. ---
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2013, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961/40 "2013-02-14T15:25:12Z")
Cut her out of your life now. Pronto. I know this is not going to be easy for you, since you haven’t done it on your own yet, and some stranger on the internet giving you advice is worth exaclty what you paid for it, however… She is using you. Because she can. Because you let her. Until you say “no” directly to her, or stop talking to her on the phone, or whatever, she will continue to hound you to do things for her. Her boob competition with you seems to be the least of her problems. She seems very unhappy with herself and her low self esteem causes her to make poor decisions and use everyone around her. She cheated on two husbands? She used her husbands AND the guys she cheated with to get whatever it was she was searching for. Whatever that is, is not your problem. You also don’t have an obligation to figure it out for her. She won’t change. And the fact that she slept witha 13 y.o. child just shows that she does not have the ability to make good decisions. I have no idea what her psychological problem is, but she has one, and it has nothing to do with you. You cannot make her like you. She will only act like she likes you in order to get what she needs from you. Don’t take it personally… She treats everyone in her life the exact same way. Please, for your sake and for your family’s sake… Let this go. You owe her nothing. I understand the desire to want a sibling to like you, but ask yourself this question. If you weren’t related, would you be friends with her? I’m betting the answer is no. You aren’t obligated to her just because you share parents. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-does-my-sister-hate-me/649961.md?page=3)