# Why don't people RSVP? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 21, 2011, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299 "2011-06-21T16:07:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![SeamusMcCool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@SeamusMcCool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeamusMcCool)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/61 "2011-06-23T18:01:07Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > If you folks are sending out RSVPs and you think the reason you often don’t get proper replies back from many invited guests is because some don’t think an RSVP requires a response if they arent coming the solution is simple. Quit fracking around with this high falutin RSVP crap and just TELL them in plain language that they NEED to tell you either way. Its not rocket science. > > That or get classier people to invite to your shindigs. RSVP isn’t to the English language what Dom Perrignon is to wine. Good manners and social skills isn’t a past time for elitists. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/62 "2011-06-23T18:05:19Z")
> [@SeamusMcCool](#): > > RSVP isn’t to the English language what Dom Perrignon is to wine. Good manners and social skills isn’t a past time for elitists. True enough, but thats not my point. If the boneheads you are sending invitations to don’'t get it and you keep sending and they keep not getting it might be in your own self interest to make things clearer. I know if I sent out RSVPs more than couple of times and folks were not responding in a proper manner I’d make things a little more straightforward. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/63 "2011-06-23T18:28:36Z")
For the record, the only time i get adamant about RSVPs and become an RSVP nazi is when I plan a murder mystery dinner party. There are a couple of reasons: assigning of characters, prepping of food and clues, and also making sure the murderer arrives! (No one knows who the murderer is ahead of time - so making sure everyone arrives is key). I once had someone cancel the night before the party and was having fits trying to figure out a way to cover his part. Now I’m careful to emphasize the commitment someone is making when they say yes. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/64 "2011-06-23T18:37:01Z")
> [@hogarth](#): > > \ not RSVPing almost always means “I won’t attend”. And the problems and the complaints come from that “almost always.” Is this the party where no RSVP means you aren’t coming, or you forgot to respond, or your invitation didn’t make it to you, or that you’re going to show up at the last minute? If one person does this, it’s an irritation. If half the people I invite do this, I’ll stop inviting people and having parties because it will just be too big a pain in the ass to never reliably know who’s going to show up. > [@Steophan](#): > > \ > In other words, if I don’t RSVP, you’re just not that important to me. Great attitude towards someone who thinks enough of you to invite you to something. You’re making my policy of not socializing with people who don’t reliably RSVP look more sensible all the time. > [@billfish678](#): > > If you folks are sending out RSVPs and you think the reason you often don’t get proper replies back from many invited guests is because some don’t think an RSVP requires a response if they arent coming the solution is simple. Quit fracking around with this high falutin RSVP crap and just TELL them in plain language that they NEED to tell you either way. Its not rocket science. > > That or get classier people to invite to your shindigs. Did you miss my post where I said this is exactly what I do? It doesn’t seem to matter. ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/65 "2011-06-23T18:42:20Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > I don’t tell them I’ve changed my mind. Depending on how close I am to the person , I may have explained that I am declining because of the possibility of a conflict .The host may then extend the response date or tell me to just show up if I can, as I did when my cousin declined my wedding invitation because it was near her due date. But unless something like that happens, I don’t attend. It’s the host’s option to extend the response date, not mine. That sounds better to me. Answering “maybe, can I tell you later” sounds like a more workable solution than responding no to invitations on the off-chance that something may or may not be happening on that date. ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/66 "2011-06-23T19:19:40Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Great attitude towards someone who thinks enough of you to invite you to something. You’re making my policy of not socializing with people who don’t reliably RSVP look more sensible all the time. It’s unlikely in practice that I wouldn’t respond. If you’re someone I actually want to spend time with, I would. Of course, if you’re someone I actually want to spend time with, you’ll call, text, or contact me by one of the many online methods available if I do forget to reply. But an unsolicited invite with RSVP on it puts no burden on me to respond. The burden comes from the friendship, not the RSVP. Your policy will no doubt guarantee you friends that suit you. That’s meant sincerely, not snarkily, but I can’t think how to rewrite it so it doesn’t sound bad, sorry. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/67 "2011-06-23T19:44:49Z")
Not RSVPing to a kids’ party invitation, as in the OP, is pretty bloody awkward. For kids’ parties you usually have to specify how many people there will be, and the cost is not only different but can mean that you choose one party option over another. And who wants to risk their kid remembering the fifth birthday party that nobody came to? Those events are actually significant for little kids. For my mildly autistic daughter having these great parties helped her be accepted. Her birthday’s at the start of the summer holidays, so lots of people can easily say no with a completely understandable reason, but they never did. When she was about 7, I switched to day trips instead of parties, because it worked better for her birthdate. Not responding but then turning up with your kid was lovely - more kids, good, more friends for her to have fun with - but also one year it meant, after three responses, I went to the seaside - and I mean swimming in the sea as part of the trip - on my own on two tubes and a train with eleven 9-year-olds all in party mood. If I’d known they were all coming, I’d have arranged for an extra adult. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/68 "2011-06-23T22:11:11Z")
> [@Arnold\_Winkelried](#): > > That sounds better to me. Answering “maybe, can I tell you later” sounds like a more workable solution than responding no to invitations on the off-chance that something may or may not be happening on that date. I don’t say “maybe ,can I tell you later”. If it’s a close friend or relative, at some point before the day responses are due I will say “I wish I could make it, but I’m not sure which day my daughter is graduating” Host or hostess is then free to say " Let me know after you find out the date". He or she is also free to say “We’ll miss you” . There’s a subtle , but important difference there. If I say “maybe, can I tell you later”, I am asking for something, and possibly putting the host or hostess in the difficult position of saying " No, I really need to know by the response date." If I decline with an explanation, there is no request to deny. If the invitation came from some guy in my husband’s bowling league , I just decline before the responses are due. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/69 "2011-06-23T22:22:33Z")
We now interrupt this thread… From _Laverne & Shirley_ > [@](#): > > Laverne) R-S-V-P what is that > > Shirley) R-S-V-P, oh Laverne don’t you know anything. That means, respond so very promptly …And now back to your regularly scheduled thread ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/70 "2011-06-24T00:27:34Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Well, if you like giving up friends because they don’t follow antiquated customs, I guess that’s your choice. The method I outlined works a lot better. It makes them feel guilty for not responding, rather than making it seem like you are a bad person for not inviting them. I just love it when people dismiss common courtesy as “old-fashioned” or “antiquated.” Ignoring an invitation of hospitality is just plain rude. It says [generic] you don’t give a shit about the inviter. So does waiting to see if something better comes along. If you can’t or don’t want to attend, just put on your grown-up undies and say, “Sorry, but I won’t be able to come.” It can be done politely, with no skin off anybody’s nose. We have 47 different ways to communicate in 2011. It takes 60 seconds to dash off an e-mail. If you have time to play WoW, you have time to RSVP. Jesus. To those who think not RSVPing is not rude: Besides the above, what about people who don’t respond and then show up anyway? It does happen. Just because YOU think that’s how “everyone does it” does not make it so. If a person invited you to something in person, would you just stare into space and say nothing? Good Lord, people who don’t RSVP really chap my ass. I throw an annual Christmas party, and yes, this year I have had it. The guest list is getting pruned. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/71 "2011-06-24T00:34:41Z")
add me to the list that only responds if I’m coming. RSVP is pretty rare these days. I’ve only gotten maybe a dozen in my life. Most invitations are come if you want. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/72 "2011-06-24T14:54:57Z")
It’s odd that I expected more from the people on the dope than your average Tom, Dick and Harry. Maybe some lurkers \ will at least RSVP (either way) from now on. (Don’t forget to teach your kids!) ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/73 "2011-06-24T15:02:19Z")
> [@aceplace57](#): > > add me to the list that only responds if I’m coming. > > RSVP is pretty rare these days. I’ve only gotten maybe a dozen in my life. > > Most invitations are come if you want. And those types of invitations are not asking you to RSVP. It’s the ones that say “Please RSVP” or the equivalent that people ignore that is the problem. I just threw my daughter’s bat mitzvah with over 100 invitations. Each came with a stamped and addressed envelope with a card that said “accepts” and “regrets” with a little line to indicate how many would be coming (as many of the invitations were for whole families). I still had a fair amount of folks who never replied that I had to track down so I could submit my final head count. Talk about awkward- all they had to do if they didn’t want to come was check “regrets”. Instead I had to send emails and make phone calls and it was time consuming for me and a little embarrassing for both parties. But since I was paying per head, buying party favors for the kids and needed to arrange tables, I needed to know. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/74 "2011-06-24T16:41:09Z")
> [@SeamusMcCool](#): > > You mean to tell us you’re this far into the thread and you still don’t know that **RSVP means “let me know if you are not planning to attend???”** Except when it doesn’t; e.g. in Dr. Drake’s example of an email sent to 35,000 people where it really means “spaces are limited” or something like that. P.S. I just realised that AuntiePam said everything I wanted to say, but better. P.P.S. I like the question marks! ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/75 "2011-06-24T16:50:01Z")
> [@hogarth](#): > > Except when it doesn’t; e.g. in Dr. Drake’s example of an email sent to 35,000 people where it really means “spaces are limited” or something like that. Well, in those cases, they shouldn’t use RSVP - the emails I get usually say something like “reply to XXX to reserve a place”. But they really aren’t invitations either , and it shouldn’t be that difficult to differentiate between an announcement of an event which requires a reservation and a wedding, bar mitzvah or barbeque being hosted by or held for someone you actually know. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/76 "2011-06-24T17:00:10Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > But they really aren’t invitations either , and it shouldn’t be that difficult to differentiate between an announcement of an event which requires a reservation and a wedding, bar mitzvah or barbeque being hosted by or held for someone you actually know. If it’s an invitation for someone I actually know, why aren’t they calling me up directly in the first place (if there’s a small number of invitees) or including a response card (if there’s a large number of invitees for something like a wedding)? I agree that mass emails shouldn’t use the term “RSVP”, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/77 "2011-06-24T17:18:19Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > I just love it when people dismiss common courtesy as “old-fashioned” or “antiquated.” Ignoring an invitation of hospitality is just plain rude. It says [generic] you don’t give a shit about the inviter. So does waiting to see if something better comes along. If you can’t or don’t want to attend, just put on your grown-up undies and say, “Sorry, but I won’t be able to come.” It can be done politely, with no skin off anybody’s nose. We have 47 different ways to communicate in 2011. It takes 60 seconds to dash off an e-mail. If you have time to play WoW, you have time to RSVP. Jesus. It’s especially amusing since **BigT** ’s always lecturing people about the “correct way to behave socially”. > [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Why does someone else deciding to have kids mean I have to pay school taxes to educate the critters? Why does someone else stepping out in front of my car mean I have to hit my brakes and interrupt my commute? Why does someone else collapsing at the grocery store mean I have to haul out my phone and call 911? Why does someone else choosing to carry a bunch of packages mean I have to hold the door for them? > > Okay, all those things except the taxes are in fact optional. You don’t HAVE to do any of them. But if you don’t people are going to think you’re an asshole, because–say it with me–we’re living in a society. Well, I think I don’t think it’s an option to NOT hit the brakes if someone steps out in front of you, at least not if you want to go to jail for manslaughter. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/78 "2011-06-24T17:25:40Z")
> [@hogarth](#): > > If it’s an invitation for someone I actually know, why aren’t they calling me up directly in the first place (if there’s a small number of invitees) or including a response card (if there’s a large number of invitees for something like a wedding)? > > I agree that mass emails shouldn’t use the term “RSVP”, of course. Depends on the invitation - I might call you today to invite you to a barbeque tomorrow night, or maybe even one next week. You can probably tell me on the phone if you can make it, and you probably know my address. And if I’m having invitations printed, I’ll certainly have response cards printed and send them with a stamped , addressed envelope. There are any number of invitations in between- for example, my uncle’s retirement party. About 75 people were invited, it wasn’t formal enough to use printed invitations with response cards and it was held at a restaurant. Anyone attending would need to know not only the date and time but the place and since the invitations were sent about a month in advance, a fair amount of people would have to check with an SO before replying. My cousins could have made all those phone calls, and all the people who received the calls could have written down the details and then called when they knew if they could attend. I don’t think that’s easier on the invitee than getting a written invitation and responding by phone or mail. ---
**Author:** ![constanze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f9ae1b/32.png) [@constanze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/constanze)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/79 "2011-06-24T17:49:09Z")
While I don’t send out invitations, I started to change my email offers, and noticed others doing likewise: Do you want this book/item, please respond till date (in two weeks), if I don’t hear from you till then, I will offer it to someone else/ throw it away/… In other words, people have to actively confirm, if they don’t answer until deadline, it’s counted as “no”. As long as you explain this in the invite, I think this gets around the problem of people not wanting to say “no” because of social conventions. The other issue is planning ahead - I’m sometimes a bit astonished that some people plan 6 months ahead. Businesses here have started with a small fee, too, when doing an event, because of the problem of 100 people saying “yes”, but only 20 showing up, and vice versa. So now IKEA or basic, when doing a special evening, charge a fee of 5 or 10 Euros (often repaid with coupons when you show up) to make people dedicated to their reservation. Yes, that would be difficult to do in private events, but it shows that generally habits have changed, people react much more spontaneously. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/80 "2011-06-24T21:26:41Z")
> [@aceplace57](#): > > RSVP is pretty rare these days. I’ve only gotten maybe a dozen in my life. Um…yeah…that might actually be you.😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299.md?page=5)