# Why don't people RSVP? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 21, 2011, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299 "2011-06-21T16:07:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/81 "2011-06-24T21:39:50Z")
I wouldn’t want to go to the sort of party thrown by the kind of person who cares if someone like me actually shows up or not.😉 ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/82 "2011-06-24T21:42:22Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > I don’t say “maybe ,can I tell you later”. If it’s a close friend or relative, at some point before the day responses are due I will say “I wish I could make it, but I’m not sure which day my daughter is graduating” Host or hostess is then free to say " Let me know after you find out the date". He or she is also free to say “We’ll miss you” . There’s a subtle , but important difference there. If I say “maybe, can I tell you later”, I am asking for something, and possibly putting the host or hostess in the difficult position of saying " No, I really need to know by the response date." If I decline with an explanation, there is no request to deny. The way you phrase it seems like a distinction without a difference to me, but if you’re speaking to people that are awfully touchy then it might be important to care about your phrasing. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/83 "2011-06-25T11:18:00Z")
> [@Arnold\_Winkelried](#): > > The way you phrase it seems like a distinction without a difference to me, but if you’re speaking to people that are awfully touchy then it might be important to care about your phrasing. The people aren’t excessively touchy- it’s just that if I say " maybe,can I tell you later" , lots of people will say “OK” because they feel uncomfortable denying a request _even if they really need to know now_. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/84 "2011-06-25T17:04:18Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > I wouldn’t want to go to the sort of party thrown by the kind of person who cares if someone like me actually shows up or not.😉 But let me know you’re not coming so I can stop worrying. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Zago](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecccb3/32.png) [@Zago](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zago)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/85 "2011-06-25T19:04:34Z")
I find it unbeliveable that someone couldn’t take the time to respond to a **friend’s** RSVP. I can’t imagine the nerve of someone arriving at a wedding/dinner party/cocktail party without RSVPing. Whether I’m cooking for 10-20 or catering a big event the RSVP is an essential part of planning. I mean, if you show up without RSVPing do you expect to be able to eat and drink on someone else’s ticket? ---
**Author:** ![antonio107](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7ea924/32.png) [@antonio107](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/antonio107)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/86 "2011-06-25T20:24:26Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > RSVPing on Facebook takes on a whole different set of standards. > > Yes = Maybe > Maybe = No (but I’m too polite to say so) > No = I hate you. I just wanted you to know that. Ugh. I’m invited to about a dozen things A DAY by virtue of the fact I studied music at school. Everybody and their cousin is in a band, and invites all of their FB friends to their band’s show at Zaphod’s on Saturday night…:rolleyes: However, I choose not to RSVP ANY of these. Facebook does NOT equal an invite. Call me, send me a text…e-mail me. I’m not going to have my arm twisted because you sent out a skeet shot for your birthday/bar mitzvah/bridal shower. I use a doodle poll to get people RSVP for our softball team. I usually have to send out two or three reminders. It’s dependent on how much effort one has to put into RSVPing. Doodle will take all of 15 seconds, Facebook (plus sifting through all your other invites) is a good 2-3 minutes. Mailing RSVPs…well, there’s a postal strike going on right now, but if there wasn’t that’s a pain in the ass to write back and haul my ass back to the mailbox! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![svd678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@svd678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/svd678)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/87 "2011-06-25T22:29:25Z")
The one I don’t understand is “regrets only.” Isn’t it more important to know one IS coming? It also can be confused with the default “no,” above. Why does anyone think that a “no” requires a justification -a social white lie is enough. What gets me is people that don’t answer mail (any form.) ---
**Author:** ![svd678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@svd678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/svd678)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/88 "2011-06-25T22:34:27Z")
I heard of a business/society that planned a dinner and $5 tickets were required. If you showed up, you got the money back. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/89 "2011-06-25T22:49:52Z")
> [@svd678](#): > > The one I don’t understand is “regrets only.” Isn’t it more important to know one IS coming? It also can be confused with the default “no,” above. Why does anyone think that a “no” requires a justification -a social white lie is enough. What gets me is people that don’t answer mail (any form.) If you ask for no replies- you assume any non-replies are yeses. If someone doesn’t show you may have planned too much food, drink, party favors etc, which can be an annoyance, but won’t ruin a party. However: If you ask for yes replies- anyone who doesn’t reply are assumed regrets. If they end up showing up you are short food, drink, seating, favors etc. That is an awful situation as a host- to be caught short! ---
**Author:** ![Hermitian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hermitian/32/470_2.png) [@Hermitian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hermitian)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2011, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/90 "2011-06-27T18:31:54Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > But then you know they are not coming, even if the invite got lost in the mail. Not RSVPing is not rude. But- showing up without having responded- is rude. I’m with the crowd that does not RSVP. If I don’t RSVP, then I am not coming. Everybody say this with me. There is no lack of information if you send out 100 invitations and get 50 RSVPs with 25 people saying they are coming. That means 25 people are coming. You can probably plan for 26-27 or something to make up for a few people that were raised by wild animals, but very few people worth inviting would show up somewhere without RSVPing. And no, the “I don’t know if it got lost in the mail” is not a valid reason for everyone must respond. Something like 99.99% of mail is delivered to the correct address within a reasonable time. That is a strawman. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2011, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/91 "2011-06-27T19:05:07Z")
I always RSVP, whether or not I plan to go, for all of the very good reasons already mentioned. It’s common courtesy - it takes only a little time out of your day - it helps with planning - and it reduces stress for your host or hostess. If I really wanted to attend an event but suspected I was going to have a scheduling conflict that would take priority, I might ask the host or hostess if I could let them know closer to the date, but I wouldn’t be pushy about it. If they were facing a hard deadline for planning, seating, food, etc., then I’d regretfully just decline, because I’m not so self-centered as to think they should hold a place for me under those circumstances. I would never say “maybe” or fail to respond just to keep my options open. That’s rude. In our boys’ schools, yes, you have to invite everyone in the class if you’re passing out invitations _in that class_ during school hours. Don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by excluding them, naturally. But if you’re extending an invitation outside of the confines of school - through the U.S. Mail, via email to the kid’s parents, etc. - you’re free to invite just as many or just as few of your kid’s classmates as you like. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > …I don’t just use the word RSVP; my invitations are explicit - “Please let me know if you are coming or not by Wednesday so I can book the reservation at the restaurant.” I still don’t get responses from people or they show up on the day of without having responded. I don’t think I can make it any clearer. I do something similar with our book club: “We’ll have reservations at [placename]. Please let me know by noon Weds. [two days earlier; we always meet on Fridays] whether or not you’re coming. I won’t assume - you’ve gotta let me know.” It’s more verbose than “RSVP,” but clearer. I have the other club members pretty well trained by now. We’ve been at this since 1998, after all. ---
**Author:** ![Foxy40](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a9a28c/32.png) [@Foxy40](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Foxy40)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2011, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/92 "2011-06-27T20:47:10Z")
> [@Hermitian](#): > > I’m with the crowd that does not RSVP. If I don’t RSVP, then I am not coming. > > Everybody say this with me. There is no lack of information if you send out 100 invitations and get 50 RSVPs with 25 people saying they are coming. That means 25 people are coming. You can probably plan for 26-27 or something to make up for a few people that were raised by wild animals, but very few people worth inviting would show up somewhere without RSVPing. > > And no, the “I don’t know if it got lost in the mail” is not a valid reason for everyone must respond. Something like 99.99% of mail is delivered to the correct address within a reasonable time. That is a strawman. This attitude is simply amazing to me. Your logic though well thought out doesn’t work for everyone. For my daughter’s birthday party, invitations were provided to the entire class year one. Two positive RSVPs, 18 kids showed up. Year two I decided to get smart and wrote “regrets only”, no one called and 8 kids showed up. Apparently calling at all isn’t worth the hassle no matter what your plans are. This is a private school with people that “should” know better. Apparently RSVP means just show up…or not. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2011, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/93 "2011-06-27T21:31:20Z")
**Foxy40** , I think you had almost the same experience I did. I had a party for my 5 year old in May. We sent out 25 invitations, each one with my cell phone and e-mail address. I received 8 responses. 15 kids showed up. Luckily, there was plenty of food to cover everyone and more than enough goodie bags, but it ticked me off to no end that these kids’ parents couldn’t shoot me a two-minute e-mail to let me know that they were or were not planning to bring their kid. I really don’t get why people think it’s acceptable not to respond, unless it’s Facebook. I send most of my invitations via e-mail whenever possible, and I’m constantly amazed at how many people don’t respond and just show up. It actually pisses me off quite a bit. Even though it’s not a written invitation, the e-mail still says in very plain English, “Let me know by X date whether or not you’ll be able to come. Thanks, and I hope to see you there!” Is hitting the reply button and saying, “Hey, overly, I’ll see you on the Xth!” or, “Sorry, we can’t make it - hope you have fun!” really such a chore? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2011, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/94 "2011-06-27T21:47:39Z")
Most of the rationale that I’ve read for not RSVPing seem to boil down to “I shouldn’t have to and you know I’m not coming anyway by my nonresponse” despite plenty of hosts saying how frustrating and challenging it is when people don’t reply. You can’t assume non-replies are no answers because if you’re wrong the host is put in an awkward position- refuse them at the door, plan for them to come (so you have to assume they are yeses) or be low on food/favors etc. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2011, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/95 "2011-06-27T22:50:48Z")
Good Christ, some people will go through some serious gyrations to justify being rude jackholes. If your friends aren’t worth a fucking phone call or e-mail, you deserve to be dropped from their guest lists. Not to mention being grateful/appreciative of the simple OFFER of hospitality, whether you attend or not. You could save yourself all that work of talking to your friend by becoming a hermit. Problem solved forever. I cannot imagine being so self-involved that I could not respond to an invitation with something along the lines of, “Wow, thanks for inviting me! It sounds like a lot of fun. I wish I could be there. Have fun without me!” Is it really so hard to take two minutes to be gracious? Guess so. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2011, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/96 "2011-06-27T23:12:17Z")
Refusing to RSVP sends a clear message. That perhaps you are still mentally in that phase where your social engagements take place in dive bars, fraternity house basements, tailgates and 5th floor walkups occupied by 5 college buddies in their first job in the city who are a friend of a friend of your girlfriend’s. IOW, the sorts of parties where people just show up to get wasted, half of them are randoms and probably no one cares nor will remember if you were even there the next day (assuming they don’t find you passed out on the couch with “I like dick” written on your forehead in permenent marker ). ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/97 "2011-06-28T00:18:55Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Most of the rationale that I’ve read for not RSVPing seem to boil down to “I shouldn’t have to and you know I’m not coming anyway by my nonresponse” despite plenty of hosts saying how frustrating and challenging it is when people don’t reply. > > You can’t assume non-replies are no answers because if you’re wrong the host is put in an awkward position- refuse them at the door, plan for them to come (so you have to assume they are yeses) or be low on food/favors etc. If it’s that important there are plenty of ways to get in touch to follow up, such as texting, calling, contacting on Facebook, or many other online methods. This isn’t the 19th century and one letter should not be considered the sum total of your communication That said, it is rude to assume that you can just show up and get food or booze without making it clear you’re coming. > [@msmith537](#): > > Refusing to RSVP sends a clear message. That perhaps you are still mentally in that phase where your social engagements take place in dive bars, fraternity house basements, tailgates and 5th floor walkups occupied by 5 college buddies in their first job in the city who are a friend of a friend of your girlfriend’s. IOW, the sorts of parties where people just show up to get wasted, half of them are randoms and probably no one cares nor will remember if you were even there the next day (assuming they don’t find you passed out on the couch with “I like dick” written on your forehead in permenent marker ). This thread _really_ makes me glad most of my social encounters are of this type. The ones that don’t involve a bottle or 3 of Buckfast in a convenient park. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/98 "2011-06-28T00:37:37Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > If it’s that important there are plenty of ways to get in touch to follow up, such as texting, calling, contacting on Facebook, or many other online methods. This isn’t the 19th century and one letter should not be considered the sum total of your communication Let me see if I’ve got this right- one letter shouldn’t be the sum total of the host’s communication if he or she needs to actually know who’s coming. He or she can always follow up by texting, calling, contacting on Facebook , etc. The potential guest , however, doesn’t need to communicate at all- although he or she could also respond by texting, calling, contacting on Facebook , etc. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/99 "2011-06-28T00:45:03Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > If it’s that important there are plenty of ways to get in touch to follow up, such as texting, calling, contacting on Facebook, or many other online methods. This isn’t the 19th century and one letter should not be considered the sum total of your communication > . And that’s what I end up having to do- this time for over a dozen guests. I have to send the invite, include a reply card with a clear date, wait until after the due date, call, email and text to get the reply. Which of course is awkward because I’m basically reminding them they missed the deadline and essentially forcing an answer. All they had to do was respond once. And I am the one who is asking too much? And I still don’t get the rationale behind not doing it other than “I don’t wanna and it’s dumb”. ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/100 "2011-06-28T00:57:05Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > Let me see if I’ve got this right- one letter shouldn’t be the sum total of the host’s communication if he or she needs to actually know who’s coming. He or she can always follow up by texting, calling, contacting on Facebook , etc. The potential guest , however, doesn’t need to communicate at all- although he or she could also respond by texting, calling, contacting on Facebook , etc. Of course they should, I have said a few times I consider it rude not to. However, it’s not always clear from an invitation whether a response is needed, as opposed to desired, and if the person you are inviting is important enough to you that you want them at your event despite their slight rudeness, then a text that takes you a few seconds is probably better than fretting for weeks, buying either too much or not enough food, and potentially spoiling your event, at least from your point of view. Someone earlier said they wouldn’t want friends who don’t RSVP. That’s fine - if it matters that much, then don’t invite them in future. But if you _do_ want people at your event who don’t make the effort, you will have to make it. And, honestly, it;s not a great deal of effort. In my experience, events where a reply is needed in advance are pretty rare, and the people organising such events are certain to ask multiple times. So, if I were to receive a single invitation with an RSVP, and no follow up, I might honestly forget about it. Doesn’t make it less rude, it’s just that, in my experience, that’s not how most people do it. If your experience is different, fair enough. I imagine age, location, and for want of a better word class would probably affect it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299.md?page=6)