# Why don't people RSVP? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 21, 2011, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299 "2011-06-21T16:07:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/101 "2011-06-28T02:14:15Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > Of course they should, I have said a few times I consider it rude not to. However, it’s not always clear from an invitation whether a response is needed, as opposed to desired, and if the person you are inviting is important enough to you that you want them at your event despite their slight rudeness, then a text that takes you a few seconds is probably better than fretting for weeks, buying either too much or not enough food, and potentially spoiling your event, at least from your point of view. Of course texting or calling is better than wondering. Those of us who either host events or can imagine hosting them know this. None of us are actually worried about having too much or too little food- because we know we’re going to call the 5 or 10 or 20 people who didn’t respond. > [@](#): > > Someone earlier said they wouldn’t want friends who don’t RSVP. That’s fine - if it matters that much, then don’t invite them in future. But if you _do_ want people at your event who don’t make the effort, you will have to make it. And, honestly, it;s not a great deal of effort. If you ask me, that’s the problem right there. Sure it’s not a great deal of effort to for me to get in touch with a single guest who doesn’t respond. Make it five or ten , some of whom will have to be contacted more than once ( because just as they didn’t reply to the original invitation, some won’t reply to the first email, text or voice mail ) Now it has become a quite a bit more effort , (in addition to the effort it takes to host the event ) because they couldn’t be bothered to call or email or text. > [@](#): > > In my experience, events where a reply is needed in advance are pretty rare, and the people organising such events are certain to ask multiple times. So, if I were to receive a single invitation with an RSVP, and no follow up, I might honestly forget about it. Doesn’t make it less rude, it’s just that, in my experience, that’s not how most people do it. No one is perfect and everybody has lapses of memory. If you generally respond but sometimes forget, no one’s complaining about you ( or at least I’m not) The complaints are about the people who expect hosts to be mind readers and just assume that they 're not coming since they didn’t reply when in fact some people didn’t reply for other reasons,and the people who don’t provide a timely reply for other reasons, such as waiting to see if something better comes up. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/102 "2011-06-28T04:40:52Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Refusing to RSVP sends a clear message. That perhaps you are still mentally in that phase where your social engagements take place in dive bars, fraternity house basements, tailgates and 5th floor walkups occupied by 5 college buddies in their first job in the city who are a friend of a friend of your girlfriend’s. . Suuuurre. :rolleyes: Look, some social customs have become antiquated, and RSVP is one of them. Try actual contact. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/103 "2011-06-28T05:12:12Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > If it’s that important there are plenty of ways to get in touch to follow up, such as texting, calling, contacting on Facebook, or many other online methods. This isn’t the 19th century and one letter should not be considered the sum total of your communication\ I’m getting a picture from this thread - if you’re being invited to a social event where the hosts are providing the venue, the food, the booze, the entertainment, cleaning up beforehand and afterwards and have already sent out the invitations, they are also expected to follow up on the invitations, and possibly pick out outfits for the guests, bathe them, get them dressed, drive them to the event, and drive them home afterwards. For Christ’s sake, people, just reply to an invitation. You’re not the centre of the universe, no matter what your mommy and daddy told you. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/104 "2011-06-28T10:44:25Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > Suuuurre. :rolleyes: Look, some social customs have become antiquated, and RSVP is one of them. Try actual contact. Actual contact is antiquated. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/105 "2011-06-28T14:02:33Z")
And telepathy is unfortunately rare. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/106 "2011-06-28T14:11:39Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > **Foxy40** , I think you had almost the same experience I did. I had a party for my 5 year old in May. We sent out 25 invitations, each one with my cell phone and e-mail address. I received 8 responses. 15 kids showed up. I certainly agree that if the invitation says RSVP, and you don’t reply and show up anyway, you’re a world-class asshole. Who does that? (Parents of small children, apparently.) ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/107 "2011-06-28T14:32:48Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > Suuuurre. :rolleyes: Look, some social customs have become antiquated, and RSVP is one of them. Try actual contact. I’m a bit confused, isn’t getting in touch with someone to let them know whether you’re attending ‘actual contact’? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/108 "2011-06-28T14:39:38Z")
> [@hogarth](#): > > I certainly agree that if the invitation says RSVP, and you don’t reply and show up anyway, you’re a world-class asshole. Who does that? (Parents of small children, apparently.) But if you don’t reply not intending to come, it looks the same from the hist’s perspective. ---
**Author:** ![Hermitian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hermitian/32/470_2.png) [@Hermitian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hermitian)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/109 "2011-06-28T15:43:09Z")
As several others have said, it’s the assholes that are the problem, not the people that don’t RSVP and don’t attend. I can imagine back in caveman days, Og was going to have a party, so he said, “Respond if you are coming!” 10 people responded, and 20 people showed up. Og thinks, “I know, I’ll create a system where they HAVE to respond. That will fix this system.” So Og invites 50 people, gets 10 affirmatives, and 20 declines, and 20 people show up. Og discovers that, shockingly, assholes that show to parties without RSVPing don’t care about following the “rules of the system”. So this new system is just as bad as the first system, with the only exception that 20 people had to take time out of their day to say they were not coming. Moral of the story: Stop inviting assholes, and it won’t be a problem. Maybe you need to re-think your invitation strategy. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/110 "2011-06-28T17:12:15Z")
> [@Hermitian](#): > > As several others have said, it’s the assholes that are the problem, not the people that don’t RSVP and don’t attend. Disagree. As I and others have pointed out, from the host’s perspective, if you don’t know someone’s status you can’t assume they are not coming. It’s not as simple as “not inviting assholes”. If I didn’t have a reason to invite them, I wouldn’t have. Why is the solution always back to the host choosing the guest list just right, or following up or making assumptions for their guests about their guest’s intents? Why can’t the guest take care of the one person they have to- themselves? ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/111 "2011-06-28T19:30:56Z")
Also, in this day of quick and easy communication, things can get lost (especially emails, I find). So, the person may have gotten your invitation, decided to come and gotten distracted (this happens, I assure you, to the best of us) and forgotten to dash off a quick response. Or, they dashed off the response from [thiername@commonemailhost.com](mailto:thiername@commonemailhost.com) and your server blocked it. Or the server blocked your mail since you were sending it to a bunch of people. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/112 "2011-06-28T19:39:59Z")
Absolutely. Mistakes happen. I’m talking to the people who seem to believe that they have no responsibility to try. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/113 "2011-06-28T20:37:32Z")
> [@Hermitian](#): > > As several others have said, it’s the assholes that are the problem, not the people that don’t RSVP and don’t attend. The assholes and those who don’t RSVP are one and the same. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/114 "2011-06-28T20:54:04Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > Of course they should, I have said a few times I consider it rude not to. However, it’s not always clear from an invitation whether a response is needed, as opposed to desired, and if the person you are inviting is important enough to you that you want them at your event despite their slight rudeness, then a text that takes you a few seconds is probably better than fretting for weeks, buying either too much or not enough food, and potentially spoiling your event, at least from your point of view. That’s the point - if you have the letters RSVP on the invitation, it should be assumed that a response is needed. That’s what RSVP _means_. Even if RSVP isn’t on the invitation, it’s common (or not-so-common) courtesy to respond so the host doesn’t have to spend his or her time hunting down the jerks who haven’t responded. And no, it’s not a dealbreaker (I usually buy enough food for an extra 2-5 people), but it’s freakin’ annoying as hell, especially if you have to factor in the cost of alcohol. Plus, even if you’re not supplying all the food, you still have to coordinate between guests who are to make sure you have a complete meal. For example, I have a good friend who has a Thanksgiving party in mid-winter for his birthday every year. He and his wife supply the turkey; all the guests bring the sides, a bottle of wine and/or juice or plates/napkins/silverware/cups. Every year he asks that people RSVP and let him know what they’d like to bring. That way he won’t have a turkey and ten plates of cookies. If people don’t let him know if they’re coming or what they’re bringing, he not only doesn’t know how much turkey to make, he also doesn’t know what to tell the other guests to bring and how much they should bring. Even as complicated as this sounds, it’s not complicated _when people respond_. None of my friends are so tight-assed that they’d consider an event ruined if they did wind up with ten plates of cookies and a turkey. It would probably be funny (especially if ten bottles of wine accompanied it). But, still, it’d be annoying and the host would probably be embarrassed. The point of a party is to extend hospitality for a group of people you like or would like to know better. The point of responding to an invitation is to make it easier on the host to plan. The point of etiquette in general is to make everyone comfortable and avoid putting someone else in a position where they feel compelled to apologize for something, even if it isn’t their fault. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2011, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299/115 "2011-06-28T21:42:33Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Absolutely. Mistakes happen. I’m talking to the people who seem to believe that they have no responsibility to try. Sorry. My point was that no answer is not the same as giving an answer of no. No answer could mean that they didn’t get the message or you didn’t get the response. Therefore, answering in the negative if you will not attend is required. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-dont-people-rsvp/586299.md?page=5)