# Why God made Golden Retrievers (re: Sandy Hook) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 17, 2012, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373 "2012-12-17T23:43:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Askthepizzaguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askthepizzaguy/32/9405_2.png) [@Askthepizzaguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askthepizzaguy)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/21 "2012-12-18T19:49:22Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > No, we should assume cubical dogs. That would resolve a lot of the packing and counting issues. As a matter of fact, it would make it much simpler to stack them after they come out of the puppy mills. This would allow for mass-production of cubedogs, which we could then convert into suitable packing material for various bizarre and highly unethical experiments I’ve been planning. If our efforts are successful, we might be able to re-create the “[mole of moles](http://what-if.xkcd.com/4/)” except it would be a massive borg-like cube of cubedogs, also known as a cubedog cube, the size of a small planet or moon. Our main goal should be to create conditions which allow things like the following quotation to become reality: > [@](#): > > The outer surface of the planet radiates heat into space and freezes. Because the moles form a literal fur coat, when frozen it insulates the interior of the planet and slows the loss of heat to space. However, the flow of heat in the liquid interior is dominated by convection. Plumes of hot meat and bubbles of trapped gases like methane—along with the air from the lungs of the deceased moles—periodically rise through the mole crust and erupt volcanically from the surface, a geyser of death blasting mole bodies free of the planet. This is too awesome not to do. ---
**Author:** ![howye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9adbd/32.png) [@howye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/howye)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/22 "2012-12-18T20:03:42Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > And the rage will grow … slowly … step by step … and the target practice will begin … There is a “they are retrievers” joke to be found here, but I am not going to go look for it. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/23 "2012-12-18T20:19:27Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > Nobody’s adopting or fostering anything, or even taking any pets home. > > The dogs and people will all go meet at a place and **the dogs and people will talk and pray** and hug for a bit of momentary relief, and then everyone will go home, dogless. Talking dogs? You can’t tell me people aren’t going to want a talking dog. ---
**Author:** ![Phatlewt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a698b9/32.png) [@Phatlewt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phatlewt)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/24 "2012-12-18T20:23:43Z")
[Humans made Golden Retrievers, not God.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Retriever#History). God is such a plagiarist. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/25 "2012-12-18T20:31:34Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Talking dogs? You can’t tell me people aren’t going to want a talking dog. Uhm…The fact that my dog talks to me is special? You guys don’t hear her too? … ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/26 "2012-12-18T22:41:13Z")
Of course not silly! Your dog is in Ohio and I’m in California. I can hear my own dogs just fine though. Especially the one snoring in my ear. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/27 "2012-12-18T23:06:29Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > No, we should assume cubical dogs. With legs at half of the vertices. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/28 "2012-12-18T23:17:02Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > The dogs and people will all go meet at a place and the dogs and people will talk and pray and… I’ve heard of a talking dog, but a praying one? How does that work? ---
**Author:** ![BTEzra04](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9f8e36/32.png) [@BTEzra04](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BTEzra04)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/29 "2012-12-18T23:27:31Z")
We have a golden. He’s almost 13, but just as sweet as ever. He has a bit of an attitude and can be stubborn (read: has a sense of humor when he wants to aggravate my dad), but is still one of the most loving creatures I’ve known. Dogs are some of the best things ever. I’m so lucky to have that fuzzball in my life. He keeps me sane. Someday, I wanna help raise therapy dogs and foster shelter animals, 'cause there’s always a need for more loving furry (as well as human) souls in this world. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2012, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/30 "2012-12-19T00:47:47Z")
> [@Phatlewt](#): > > [Humans made Golden Retrievers, not God.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Retriever#History) Well, to be fair, humans made God too. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2012, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/31 "2012-12-19T02:57:51Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > One of the comments on that link suggests that, in addition to “comfort dogs,” we need to establish a team of “guilt cats.” > > Guilt cats would be sent to people we suspect are guilty of something. Instead of snuggling, they would just sit there glaring at the person, as if to say, “I know what you did.” Oh my god greatest idea ever!! :eek::D:D:D ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2012, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/32 "2012-12-19T03:20:16Z")
Yes, and there should also be a team of ambivalent parrots. They just sit on their perches and look at you with cocked heads, trying to decide if you’re guilty or not. ---
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2012, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373/33 "2012-12-19T03:50:50Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > One of the comments on that link suggests that, in addition to “comfort dogs,” we need to establish a team of “guilt cats.” > > Guilt cats would be sent to people we suspect are guilty of something. Instead of snuggling, they would just sit there glaring at the person, as if to say, “I know what you did.” I have one in the kitchen right now mewing for food. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-god-made-golden-retrievers-re-sandy-hook/644373.md?page=1)