# Why humans wipe their butts **URL:** \ **Category:** Cecil's Columns/Staff Reports\ **Created:** [March 24, 2017, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965 "2017-03-24T22:19:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![SteveW](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f05b48/32.png) [@SteveW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveW)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2017, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/1 "2017-03-24T22:19:16Z")
Not forgetting to mention that we didn’t notice the skid marks until we began to wear white clothing!! ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2017, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/2 "2017-03-24T22:48:21Z")
[When and why did humans start wiping?](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/3333/when-and-why-did-humans-start-wiping) A link to Cecil’s column is appreciated so everyone can follow along. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2017, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/3 "2017-03-25T01:20:59Z")
It’s time to wipe your butt [SLIDING DOWN BUTT HILL!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HE7QVDnzwJw) ---
**Author:** ![aldiboronti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@aldiboronti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aldiboronti)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2017, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/4 "2017-03-25T16:24:28Z")
Why do humans wipe their butts? Well, none of the animals will do it for us. Although didn’t Gargantua tell his old man that he’d found after intensive research that the soft neck of a goose was the best way to wipe one’s arse? And I wouldn’t put it past my Labrador to lick me clean if he had the chance. That dog will stick his tongue in anything and everything! ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2017, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/5 "2017-03-25T17:38:53Z")
A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump side by side. “Say, brother Rabbit,” the bear asked, “Does shit ever stick to your fur?” “Why, no,” the rabbit replied. “Good,” said the bear, grabbed him, and wiped his ass. ---
**Author:** ![Pork\_Rind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pork_rind/32/111_2.png) [@Pork\_Rind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pork_Rind)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2017, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/6 "2017-03-25T17:55:49Z")
> [@Amateur\_Barbarian](#): > > A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump side by side. “Say, brother Rabbit,” the bear asked, “Does shit ever stick to your fur?” “Why, no,” the rabbit replied. “Good,” said the bear, grabbed him, and wiped his ass. You know, that joke has never made any sense to me. If shit doesn’t stick to the rabbit, what good would wiping with it do? ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim_r.mortiss/32/142_2.png) [@Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_R.Mortiss)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2017, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/7 "2017-03-25T19:13:16Z")
> [@Pork\_Rind](#): > > You know, that joke has never made any sense to me. If shit doesn’t stick to the rabbit, what good would wiping with it do? I always thought the rabbit said “yes.” Otherwise, you are correct, it makes no sense. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2017, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/8 "2017-03-25T20:06:07Z")
He told the joke wrong. The bear said, “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbit replied, “No.” So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. No problem. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2017, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/9 "2017-03-25T20:13:03Z")
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**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2017, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/10 "2017-03-25T22:14:35Z")
When I was pregnant I used to wonder how really fat people wipe their asses, 'cause it was starting to get difficult toward the end. My husband had to tie my shoes for me, but I wasn’t about to ask him to wipe my butt. I did some Googling, and found out that there is a stick with a toilet paper grabber on the end that is intended for people with limited range of motion, or short limbs, but also works for really fat people. I never needed the stick, but I felt better knowing it was out there. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2017, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/11 "2017-03-26T00:32:19Z")
When my son went on mountain Outward Bound he learned, during orientation, that toilet paper was not to be used. There were other methods. Stones, I don’t know…three shells? But at any rate, no TP. They were supposed to dig a cathole. He thought this might be a problem, possibly even a dealbreaker for the girls on the team. But apparently, it wasn’t. The pants/boxers weren’t the worst laundry problem on return. (The socks, oh my god. The socks.) ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2017, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/12 "2017-03-26T09:17:09Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > When my son went on mountain Outward Bound he learned, during orientation, that toilet paper was not to be used. There were other methods. Stones, I don’t know…three shells? But at any rate, no TP. They were supposed to dig a cathole. He thought this might be a problem, possibly even a dealbreaker for the girls on the team. But apparently, it wasn’t. The pants/boxers weren’t the worst laundry problem on return. (The socks, oh my god. The socks.) The seminal work on the subject: [How to Shit in the Woods](https://www.amazon.com/How-Shit-Woods-3rd-Environmentally/dp/1580083633/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1490519713&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+shit+in+the+woods) ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2017, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/13 "2017-03-31T18:21:41Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > The seminal work on the subject: > > [How to Shit in the Woods](https://www.amazon.com/How-Shit-Woods-3rd-Environmentally/dp/1580083633/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1490519713&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+shit+in+the+woods) If a bear didn’t write it, I’m not buyin’ it. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2017, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-humans-wipe-their-butts/782965/14 "2017-03-31T18:47:05Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > When my son went on mountain Outward Bound he learned, during orientation, that toilet paper was not to be used. There were other methods. Stones, I don’t know…three shells? But at any rate, no TP. They were supposed to dig a cathole. He thought this might be a problem, possibly even a dealbreaker for the girls on the team. But apparently, it wasn’t. When I was on Outward Bound’s Ski Mountaineering course in the Rockies in March they told us to use snowballs. That worked about as well as the two words “snow” and “balls” go together. So near the end of our week-long climbing trip when we knew exactly how to get back to base camp I used the map.