# Why I hate the new Star Wars movie... **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 8, 2017, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155 "2017-05-08T20:33:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2017, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/1 "2017-05-08T20:33:57Z")
I already wrote the story about the rebels breaking in and stealing the death star plans years and years ago. Unfortunately they never told MY story. I was digging through some old documents of mine and found it. But it’s in a format which I can’t fully recover. A lot of bits are missing and the document is just bits of what seems like random characters. So here’s what I have recovered. I’ll post the first entry, and if anyone likes it I can post the rest bit by bit. It’s called “Diary of a Mad Stormtrooper”, and (duh) is in the form of a diary written by the Evil Empire \ officer who was on guard duty when the rebels broke in and stole the Death Star \ plans… [QUOTE=Diary of a Mad Stormtrooper, part 1] You know, my aunt told me that a career with the Evil Empire( would be good. She would go on and on about how most of the Galaxy had been subverted already, how there was very little chance I would actually see battle and all that. And the shouting. I’d really like the shouting bit. Not the getting shouted at, but getting to shout at others. ``` “Travel the Galaxy, Jimmy!” she would say. “You’re never going to get anywhere on this little backwoods planet!” Stupid shriveled old bitch. I hope her bursitis is getting worse. I hope her husband dies from her horrible cooking. It always gave me gas. I swear she is trying to kill him with that pathetic excuse she calls “food”. ``` So, Anyway I joined up, and things were going really well, I was working my way up through the ranks. You know, the Evil Empire( is made up of regular people just like any other large corporation. I mean, they do some things I disagree with, but that’s life, right? Well, things WERE going smoothly. There was some kind of accident involving the rebel scum, and a lot of opportunities for a hungry young officer came up. It wasn’t MY fault the rebels stole the Death Star plans. I asked for someone to relieve me while I went to the bathroom. This damn Empire food gives me the runs. It’s prefabricated on some planet I’ve never even heard of before. Kind of reminds you of what real food is supposed to look like. Vaguely. So I just happened to be in the restroom at the exact moment the rebels chose to break in? But I can be very eloquent when I want to be, and I almost talked my way out of punishment. Then the commanding officer looked down and saw a little piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my boot… [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2017, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/2 "2017-05-08T20:37:01Z")
Here is part 2. BTW These are supposed to be random entries to his diary. I was going to put a “stardate” on each one but never got around to it… [QUOTE=Diary of a Mad Stormtrooper, part 2] To make a long story short, I have been demoted to Storm Trooper. I am to report to the uniform department for Storm Trooper armor, and I ship out at the end of the week. Oh well, how bad can it be? This is terrible. My name has been erased from the computer system and replaced with a number. None of the creatures (I can’t bring myself to call them men) have actual names. Since the Storm Troopers are (almost) all clones, their costumes are all the same size. It chafes in places and is too big in others. I complained to my superior officer and he told me to fill out a form. I filled it out, but when the Inter Death Star Message Delivery System( courier showed up, he told me I had to use the Inter Death Star Forms Return Delivery System( instead. He refused to give me the number too, the little bastard, so I got another form to report him. After all, there is a poster right near my sleeping quarters that reads “YOU can help keep the empire running efficiently!”, and the couriers attitude just does not fit into a smooth, efficient Evil Empire( Well, we have arrived on the Death Star. Wow this place is huge. It’s practically as big as a planet. Just miles upon miles, endless corridors of black metal, black floors, black ceilings, black doors. Gee, I wonder what the emperors favorite color is? I have been assigned to a room with a clone. I can never remember his number so I call him Eddie. He seems nice enough, although he’s a bit dense. He was complaining about his costume too. It seems that the armorer made a mistake when measuring the Boba Fett (the one all the ST were cloned from), and none of their costumes fit correctly. Eddie showed me how to wrap some cloth around the parts where it chafes. I can’t find the bathrooms here. I asked Eddie, and he just stared at me. I think the translator must have mangled the words or something. But I found this little round container on the back of my costume. I guess that is what it’s used for. [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2017, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/3 "2017-05-08T20:53:25Z")
I got a bad feeling about this… ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2017, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/4 "2017-05-09T01:06:54Z")
So, this is what, out-of-canon fanfiction? ---
**Author:** ![ekedolphin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ekedolphin/32/10003_2.png) [@ekedolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ekedolphin)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2017, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/5 "2017-05-09T10:55:07Z")
I like it. ---
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2017, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/6 "2017-05-09T14:23:39Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > So, this is what, out-of-canon fanfiction? Yep. I wrote this 20 years ago during my corporate days, and lost it for a long time. Found it going through some of my old computer backup discs. The corporation I worked at (A major Pittsburgh bank) had a really bad cafeteria, and you could make a lot of comparisons between them and the Evil Empire… Since there’s a ‘canon’ movie out now covering the same subject I thought I’d post mine here. If I had to re-write it today I think I’d do some bits a little differently. > [@](#): > > There isn’t a mess hall per se, just cafeterias scattered here and there. I ran into a small problem when my swipe card would not work. I will have to get someone to fix this. Eddie gave me some of his food (I think it was Eddie, it’s hard to tell). The “food” here is just a paste-like substance. Some of it has different colors and names, but it’s all the same paste. Ugh. I don’t know how we are expected to eat this every day. > I got a memo saying I have to attend Corporate Orientation classes starting tomorrow. According to the program, the Emperor himself is supposed to be there to greet us, and give us a short motivational speech. > > Man this Corporate Orientation sucks! We had to listen to some officer with this ridiculous little mustache drone on about “how the Empire is only as good as the sum of it’s parts” and “Every cog is necessary to run the machine” and all that. Oh, they sloganize us to death here. Strangely enough, the Emperor didn’t show up. Officer Funny Mustache said that something came up, but the Emperor was watching us, and we were special. He has a good feeling about us, and wants us to “make him proud”. Well, isn’t that nice? > During one of the “spirit building” activities, I looked over at one of the other guys and he was just standing there with piss running down his leg. No one paid any attention to this at all, but a little robot came out and cleaned up the floor. How disgusting! I think this clone may have gotten his brains scrambled or something. Anyway, we had to do this trust building exercise where one person falls backward, and the other has to catch him. Guess who was my partner? Mr. Yellow Leg, that’s who. I think I am going to be sick. They had a little reception afterwards with cookies and punch, but the cookies were stale. I mentioned this to the person handing them out, and he just laughed. I am going to report him. > Eddie’s memory must be going bad. He told me today that he was going to fill out a form and ask for his costume to be re-sized, which is the same thing he said 2 days ago. I had a few problems of my own to deal with though. I have been spending most of my free hours arguing with someone in records about my swipe card. They told me it was the responsibility of Payroll to issue them. Payroll said the forms from the Records Department were not filled out correctly. I stole some more food from one of my fellow Troopers, but I don’t think he even noticed. He was just sitting there muttering to himself. I don’t know if it was the same one that peed himself or not. > I think I am getting a rash from the armor, and we’re not allowed to take it off, even when sleeping. “Be prepared at all times to serve your Emperor”, a slogan in the sleeping quarters reads. They’re not kidding. ---
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2017, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/7 "2017-05-09T14:51:44Z")
This is the last bit I could read. The rest of the document is just random symbols, apparently the old documents don’t come out too well in modern systems… I know there was more of it, I remember creating an entry where my character went through his laser gun training routine, and discovered that because of the ill-fitting stormtrooper uniform, none of the stormtroopers were able to aim correctly. So they all routinely failed the laser gun training, but no changes were able to be made due to paperwork. There was also a bit about how everyone on the Death Star had to take down any “father-son” stuff they posted because it made Vader very upset… > [@](#): > > I was assigned to a patrol today, and I screwed something up. The officer was screaming in my face, then he said “no water for you today!” and took away the little container that I’ve been using to pee in. Eddie told me later that they are for holding water. I asked him how I was supposed to go and he just stood there for a second with a big smile on his face. Then I saw this piss running down his leg. I WILL NOT piss my pants! I told my commanding officer that I was a human being and deserved to be treated as one. He just laughed and said no, I was a clone. I filled out a form to report him. I am still trying to get this swipe card mess straightened out, so I don’t have a lot of hopes of getting it resolved any time soon. Oh well I am sure the wheels of Evil Dictatorships roll smoothly, although a bit slowly at times. Everything here is so organized! > > Today I found out that if you piss down a shaft containing power modules, they will short out. I also found out what the penalty for shorting out power modules is, DEATH. Fortunately, they grabbed someone else by mistake and shot him. I felt bad for pointing and shouting “it was him”, but you do what you have to do to survive. I thought for a minute that it was Eddie, but he was back in the bunk that night, babbling about his ill-fitting costume. I filled out a form to complain about the superior officer. Even though we (they) are clones, that’s got to be bad for morale, Commanders shooting Subordinates - well in this case, a clone, but still. I have to have to try to find the officers bathroom. I will not piss down my leg like an animal! > > Spent 3 hours arguing with the records department today. I think I found out what the problem with the swipe card is. When I was demoted, they assigned me a number instead of a name, and they used the number of a clone that had already been “deleted”. When the Payroll department went to issue a swipe card, the cardholder came up on the system as being deleted, so they rejected it. > Snuck into the officers bathroom today. I was sitting in one of the stalls taking a dump, and a bunch of officers came in. I had to pull my feet up so they wouldn’t see my legs under the stall. I overheard one of them saying that someone had been given medical treatment after he drank something that didn’t agree with him. Heh heh heh. I never knew what a good feeling it is to be able to use a real toilet. I am starting to feel like a human being again. Tomorrow I am going to get the swipe card problem straightened out, so I will finally be able to go out and catch a movie or something instead of sitting in my cell all evening every day. ---
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2017, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/8 "2017-05-09T15:10:33Z")
At one point the narrator starts telling his roommate his life story, a little bit every day over a few weeks. Then he discovers that “Eddie” was a different clone almost every single day because they got killed constantly. But they all looked and sounded exactly the same, so he didn’t notice. There was also a bit about how he finally got his paperwork issue resolved, and was able to go to the death star movie theaters and other entertainment facilities. Only they were all the same, showed the same movies, music, etc., because they were all clones and had the exact same likes and dislikes… If I remember right I was trying to think of a way to get my character out of the Death Star before it blew up, then he would be the one responsible for getting the new Death Star 2 blown up in return of the Jedi. ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2017, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/9 "2017-05-09T15:15:19Z")
So you hate the new Star Wars movie because they didn’t dig up your mostly corrupted floppy drive and tell your version of it? ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2017, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/10 "2017-05-09T15:41:30Z")
> [@Finagle](#): > > So you hate the new Star Wars movie because they didn’t dig up your mostly corrupted floppy drive and tell your version of it? Geeze, dude! The part about “hating the movie” is just a framing story. Hollywood often does this when they have unfinished ideas that they want to use. The unfinished story doesn’t fit in, so some method is used to shoe horn the new material in. I mean, would you read a thread that was “here’s my Star Wars fan fiction I wrote thirty years ago”? I wouldn’t. But I read this one (and so did you). ---
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/11 "2017-05-10T03:42:56Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > Geeze, dude! The part about “hating the movie” is just a framing story. Hollywood often does this when they have unfinished ideas that they want to use. The unfinished story doesn’t fit in, so some method is used to shoe horn the new material in. > > I mean, would you read a thread that was “here’s my Star Wars fan fiction I wrote thirty years ago”? I wouldn’t. But I read this one (and so did you). Yep, exactly. I haven’t actually seen the new movie at this point, but probably will eventually. I just thought it’d be a funny thread title… ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/12 "2017-05-10T17:47:29Z")
> [@Apocalypso](#): > > Yep, exactly. I haven’t actually seen the new movie at this point, but probably will eventually. I just thought it’d be a funny thread title… I like your story. Reads like something I might have written back in the day, so maybe that biases me a bit. It’s a bit of the same attitude as Troops, the Cops-like mockumentary about a day in the life of a stormtrooper platoon. If you’ve never seen it, it puts an entirely different spin on the events of ANH. ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-i-hate-the-new-star-wars-movie/786155/13 "2017-05-10T18:53:49Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > I mean, would you read a thread that was “here’s my Star Wars fan fiction I wrote thirty years ago”? I wouldn’t. But I read this one (and so did you). Well, the difference is that I might be slightly interested in discussing why the new Star Wars movie wasn’t very good, but I am absolutely uninterested in reading someone’s incomplete 30 year old fan fiction. So how well disposed towards the OP and inclined towards gentle literary criticism do you think I’m going to be? Or am I just going to skim a paragraph, say to myself “This is truly awful”, and write something unkind?