# why is it empowering that a woman have a sex toy but shameful for a man
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [November 22, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565 "2010-11-22T19:28:20Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@PSXer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PSXer)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/1 "2010-11-22T19:28:20Z")
my friend wants to know
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### Author:  [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/2 "2010-11-22T19:37:37Z")
The same reason it’s empowering for a man to have sex with five women in a week, but somehow tragic when a woman opens the pearly gates for five fellows in the same span.
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### Author:  [@Sofis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofis)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/3 "2010-11-22T19:40:09Z")
There are a lot of things that go into how male and female sexuality are viewed differently. One of them is that men are supposed to pursue and acquire sex (while women are supposed to hold mete out sex); consequently, if a man has to turn to sex toys, he has failed at acquiring sex, and is thus a lesser man (“wanker” is an insult for the same reason). Another is that male sexuality is viewed/portrayed as dangerous and threatening. By extension, anything associated with it is bad.
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### Author:  [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/4 "2010-11-22T19:46:56Z")
By the same token, a woman that uses a sex toy is empowering herself and proving that she doesn’t need a man, who probably won’t understand or care about her mysterious sexuality anyway.
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### Author:  [@Mops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mops)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/5 "2010-11-22T19:55:43Z")
I assume ‘sex toy’ in the context of that question should be more precisely phrased ‘masturbation aid’. The general assumption would be that women masturbate out of choice, but men because they are not getting any (at least at the present moment).
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### Author:  [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/6 "2010-11-22T20:52:02Z")
I think the quality/design of such toys is a significant factor. The Fleshlight or blow-up doll are just quite ridiculous devices. They require either significant setup, cleanup, or both. This makes them inconvenient, at best. Add in the much lower ability of male-oriented toys to produce satisfaction as compared to female toys and you’ve got a ridiculous method of not really achieving your goal. They’re almost, but not quite entirely unlike real sex.
Enjoy,
Steven
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### Author:  [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/7 "2010-11-22T20:53:12Z")
Maybe if they were marketed to men as “sex tools,” not “toys”
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### Author:  [@congodwarf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/congodwarf)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/8 "2010-11-22T21:01:18Z")
Maybe also because many female sex toys can be used without embarrassment in a relationship, or even an orgy.
But, if a man were to ask his partner if they wanted to play with a fleshlight or a blowup doll, they’d probably get laughed out of the room. For one thing, male sex toys seem to be fairly solitary items. A guy doinking a blowup doll isn’t putting his penis in anything else at the same time. But a woman can have sex with a man (or woman) and use a dildo, another penis, and a vibrator all at the same time.
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### Author:  [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/9 "2010-11-22T21:08:50Z")
Women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex. Men are.
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### Author:  [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/10 "2010-11-22T21:23:33Z")
> [@Mtgman](#):
>
> blow-up doll
Per **Slithy Tove** ’s comment about marketing, maybe they should be marketed as “sex action figures.”
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### Author:  [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/11 "2010-11-22T21:23:50Z")
I always get annoyed at these discussions about what people “suppose” about men and women. Who are the supposers? I think these things are masks for what people suppose about themselves, and they should stop worrying so much about what other people suppose, because they’ll never know.
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### Author:  [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/12 "2010-11-22T21:27:55Z")
Tell “your friend” to just go ahead and buy that Fleshlight. We won’t tell.
\
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### Author:  [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/13 "2010-11-22T21:43:02Z")
Because on average, many more women have trouble orgasming through hand-only masturbation (or sex) than men do. Vibrators let many more of these women discover what orgasms are like, what they like sexually, what feels good for their individual bodies.
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### Author:  [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/14 "2010-11-22T21:55:13Z")
I’m pretty satisfied with the two I was born with. They seldom break down, they come with infinitely variable speed setting and yet require no batteries or cords, and are easily washable.
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### Author:  [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/15 "2010-11-22T22:04:33Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#):
>
> I’m pretty satisfied with the two I was born with. They seldom break down, they come with infinitely variable speed setting and yet require no batteries or cords, and are easily washable.
But doesn’t one get jealous of the other?
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### Author:  [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/16 "2010-11-22T22:04:57Z")
> [@Alessan](#):
>
> Women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex. Men are.
To elaborate on this, think about the word “empowerment” as being about choice.
How does a woman traditionally exercise sexual choice? By being “choosy” about who she has sex with. Not having sex with anyone is the ultimate in being choosy. Thus, solo sex is seen as empowering because it is an expression of sexual choice. It’s no longer about “giving” sex to guys who may not satisfy you sexually (and all of this is very mixed up with the idea that women do not normally enjoy sex) but about “taking” that pleasure for yourself.
How do men traditionally exercise sexual choice? By having a variety of potential partners to choose from. It’s assumed that a man will always prefer a human partner if they have access to one, and thus using a toy is seen as a sign that you are unable to attract a partner.
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### Author:  [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/17 "2010-11-22T22:13:51Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#):
>
> But doesn’t one get jealous of the other?
Not in the least-in fact, they even wash each other’s backs.
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/18 "2010-11-22T22:19:43Z")
> [@congodwarf](#):
>
> Maybe also because many female sex toys can be used without embarrassment in a relationship, or even an orgy.
>
> But, if a man were to ask his partner if they wanted to play with a fleshlight or a blowup doll, they’d probably get laughed out of the room. For one thing, male sex toys seem to be fairly solitary items. A guy doinking a blowup doll isn’t putting his penis in anything else at the same time. But a woman can have sex with a man (or woman) and use a dildo, another penis, and a vibrator all at the same time.
I think this is a huge part of it. Most if not all sex toys for women are easy to use with a partner (or even designed with a partner in mind). There’s only so much that can be done with a guy whose got his member in a fleshlight. I also agree that women have lucked out with all the German and Scandinavian designers who have tackled female sex toys – some of them are darned pretty. OTOH, a lot of the pro-masturbation cheerleading for women is because much of the stigma around horniness and masturbation still exists, especially for teenage girls, where it’s assumed for boys.
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### Author:  [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2010, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/19 "2010-11-22T23:57:34Z")
Part of it is it’s just not the same. Something reasonably satisfying for a women is relatively inexpensive while for a man would require all the engineering expertise of Japan, and comes at a hefty price.
Another part is that men and women are naturally suppose to come together for Love and sex this is the ideal, and people do know this in their hearts, regardless of what their mind has been taught/trained. Women are suppose to be pure as taught by society however, having a sex toy means she is one step closer to her natural heart’s desire for Love and sex - A good thing to be celebrated. Men OTOH are expected by society to be able to acquire sex, so havine to resort to a sex toy is seen as this man not able to meet his heart’s desire for Love and sex, and he is to be felt sorry for - a bad thing.
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### Author:  [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2010, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/20 "2010-11-23T00:55:17Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#):
>
> Not in the least-in fact, they even wash each other’s backs.
Hand-on-hand porn!
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