# why is it empowering that a woman have a sex toy but shameful for a man **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 22, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565 "2010-11-22T19:28:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![ColdPhoenix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6bbea6/32.png) [@ColdPhoenix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ColdPhoenix)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2010, 9:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/81 "2010-11-25T09:43:53Z")
I have discussed it a female friend in the past and know why she uses a vibrator. I don’t know if any of my male friends use toys. It just seems to me that a vibrator can make things easier for women but that it’s more work for men to use their equivalents (set-up and cleaning after etc?). Perhaps I don’t understand the mechanics, perhaps it’s more enjoyable, I don’t know. That’s why I asked. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2010, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/82 "2010-11-25T09:59:50Z")
Well, all right, points for your consistency. Doesn’t mean she was obliged to answer your questions, either. I did address your questions briefly in my first post here, which is all the detail I care to go into since that’s not the point of this thread. The point is to discuss why it’s viewed as shameful, and I came in with two anecdotes showing that sexually healthy men do in fact use toys, and to argue that people who do think it’s shameful or that it brands such men as losers and sexually inadequate are full of shit and are sticking their noses into someone else’s business where they have no real right to. Without straying into **Cesario** territory, who or what anyone chooses to fuck is really not the business of anyone who’s not playing along. ---
**Author:** ![ColdPhoenix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6bbea6/32.png) [@ColdPhoenix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ColdPhoenix)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2010, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/83 "2010-11-25T10:13:21Z")
I see that you did address my points in your original post. My bad for skim reading! ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2010, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/84 "2010-11-25T10:19:06Z")
Fair enough, pardon the brusqueness. Kinda developed the habit from discussing my political beliefs around here. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2010, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/85 "2010-11-25T11:01:13Z")
If I might further venture another possible reason germane to the OP, from informal discussions with my (male) friends, there seems to be a sort of general assumption that since a dick is obviously better than a vibrator\*, a woman with a vibrator is obviously a horny minx who likes sex, and since (generic) you are there, instead of using a vibrator to satisfy herself, she’ll want you instead. Thus, women owning sex toys is “empowering” and hot and all that sort of thing because it says that said women likes sex (there still being a double standard at play, sadly) whereas it’s just assumed that guys like sex in much the same way that fish like water. Also- and I’m really just throwing a baseless hypothesis out there- there’s a double standard that generally says “Woman into kinky/freaky stuff= Hot, Guy into kinky/freaky stuff= Degenerate pervert”. \*part of the overall assumption explanation, not intended to be a statement or declaration of fact ---
**Author:** ![velvetjones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5f9b8f/32.png) [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2010, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/86 "2010-11-25T14:18:02Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > the Tiny Tims of the whacking off Christmas Carol, soldering on in the face of orgasm adversity. I just read this out loud to my husband, over coffee, on Thanksgiving day. Truly the best laugh I’ve had in a long, long time. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, Thank you **Giraffe** Thank you so very much. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2010, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/87 "2010-11-25T14:31:54Z")
> [@Olentzero](#): > > Fair enough, pardon the brusqueness. Kinda developed the habit from discussing my political beliefs around here. So, do you have a name for your “device”? Betty? I’ll bet it’s Betty. oooooooooooh Betty ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2010, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/88 "2010-11-25T14:38:40Z")
I’m sorry, never mind the last post – I would have edited with a “nm” if I had gone back in time. When I can see people are touchy about a subject I’m sometimes like a kid with a stick standing over an anthill. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2010, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/89 "2010-11-25T15:30:53Z")
Not touchy about the subject at all. More touchy about people’s reactions. So why don’t you put down the stick and find something better to do with your hands, m’kay? Otherwise I _might_ have a very good idea of what I would name it if I felt it should have a name… ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Nader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Darth\_Nader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Nader)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2010, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/90 "2010-11-30T06:09:02Z")
> [@Olentzero](#): > > So why don’t you put down the stick and find something better to do with your hands, m’kay? I could do amazing things to you with these hands, but this is a thread that was started by some underage needledick flyfucker. Being mean with words is FUN, right? ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2010, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/91 "2010-12-01T05:28:15Z")
> [@Darth\_Nader](#): > > I could do amazing things to you with these hands, but this is a thread that was started by some underage needledick flyfucker. > > Being mean with words is FUN, right? **Moderator note:** Darth Narder: It’s also against the rules if it is done in this forum, or anywhere else on this message board but the Pit. Do not do this again. The rest of you: I know this can be a touchy topic, but please try to keep it calm in here. For the Straight Dope, **Spectre of Pithecanthropus** ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Nader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Darth\_Nader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Nader)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/92 "2010-12-02T03:45:58Z")
Apologies. I thought this was in the Pit, for some reason. My comments were waaaay over the line here, and I regret posting so inappropriately. Again, sorry to everyone- particularly **Olentzero**. ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Nader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Darth\_Nader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Nader)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/93 "2010-12-02T03:57:31Z")
Also, can I change my name to Darth Narder? ---
**Author:** ![Woeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Woeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Woeg)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2010, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565/94 "2010-12-03T18:49:58Z")
Man here, and owner of a Fleshlight. I don’t find it shameful in the least - I bought it after I separated with my now ex-wife, because I wasn’t emotionally ready for the “real” thing, and I had heard good things about the Fleshlight. And the good things are true! The feeling is totally different from the “standard” method of masturbation, and far, far closer to the “real” thing than I would have thought possible. The orgasms I have with the Fleshlight tend to be a lot stronger than the ones I have through the old-fashioned method, and totally worth the cleanup effort afterwards. When I got with the lovely lady who is now my new wife, I found less and less need to use it - she is thankfully as sexually voracious as I am, and its only rarely that I have to literally take matters into my own hands. And in such cases, the old-fashioned way _is_ the quicker, cleaner option. That said, I still break out the toy from time to time, and my wife enjoys using it on me or watching as we both play seperate but together. Still, it sits far more than I use it these days. Long story short, regardless of how others may perceive it, I found my Fleshlight toy to be incredibly personally empowering - it allowed me to get through the hardest parts (pun intended) of an emotionally abusive relationship’s end, without having to go through the rollercoaster of danger and emotion of one-night stands. If anyone has questions, btw, ask. Like I said, I feel no shame about it, and am not touchy about it in the slightest. No, I haven’t named it. 😉 A brief addendum to add: I’m definitely not a model; I’m overweight, prematurely gray, and wear glasses/corrective lens. That said, I’ve _never_ had trouble getting laid. I am, generally, extremely confident and outgoing, and that seems to be a huge key to attraction for most women. That could be why I don’t find using a toy shameful - it’s always been about release, not desperation. Huh…maybe that’s why the difference in some perceptions? For most women, using a sex toy is about release, where as many men feel their own use of one is out of desperation, a feeling that is often linked to shame? Edited for grammatical error. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-empowering-that-a-woman-have-a-sex-toy-but-shameful-for-a-man/561565.md?page=4)