# Why is it so hard to find a husband? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 13, 2005, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428 "2005-12-13T16:14:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/41 "2005-12-14T00:57:16Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > I’m beginning to wonder how bad the average arranged marriage a few hundred years ago was compared to modern marriages entirely of both people’s choosing. The divorce rate belies the idea that there aren’t people who’d be better of letting someone else pick their spouses for them… Celebs, for example 😛 Semi-seriously, it’s not who picks it, it’s the fact that divorce and seperation are heavily frowned upon. So people stick with it more than elsewhere. this is a good thing and a bad thing. On the one hand, my cousin is married to a wife-beater, although she’s recently started standing up for herself. On the other hand, sometimes marriages are happy and love grows after the marriage, like my other cousin and her brand-new hubbie. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/42 "2005-12-14T01:02:14Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > There are many good men around. Unfortunately, most of them aren’t alpha enough. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 10:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/43 "2005-12-14T10:56:00Z")
> [@Beware of Doug](#): > > Unfortunately, most of them aren’t alpha enough. Then you need to set your sights lower. Being sufficiently alpha has never been my problem; not having a ready wit and not having much of a sense of humour have. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/44 "2005-12-14T11:54:39Z")
From what I remember of the [del]scolding [/del] advice generally handed out to frustrated single guys, including me when I was in this boat, you shouldn’t be looking for a spouse, a mate, even a date as such, but just relating to members of the opposite sex as _people_. (I’m not sure what gave anyone the impression I was looking to relate to women as, say, brown paper bags. :rolleyes: ) Oh, and you just haven’t met the right one yet. If this helps, my work here is done. Ciao! :: smiles brightly :: ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/45 "2005-12-14T12:26:53Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > From what I remember of the [del]scolding [/del] advice generally handed out to frustrated single guys, including me when I was in this boat, you shouldn’t be looking for a spouse, a mate, even a date as such, but just relating to members of the opposite sex as _people_. (I’m not sure what gave anyone the impression I was looking to relate to women as, say, brown paper bags. :rolleyes: ) > > Oh, and you just haven’t met the right one yet. > > If this helps, my work here is done. Ciao! :: smiles brightly :: Not too bad advice - but that only works if you are around people of the opposite sex regularly. My deparatment has two women in it. One married, one 15 or more years older than I. I am not a bar fly, so I don’t hang out at bars. So part of the question is literally: Where do you \*find \*members of the opposite sex. It was much easier for me 20 years ago. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/46 "2005-12-14T13:34:56Z")
> [@Khadaji](#): > > Not too bad advice - but that only works if you are around people of the opposite sex regularly. My deparatment has two women in it. One married, one 15 or more years older than I. I am not a bar fly, so I don’t hang out at bars. So part of the question is literally: Where do you \*find \*members of the opposite sex. It was much easier for me 20 years ago. I know that tune. It wasn’t easier for _me_ 20 years ago. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![TV\_time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f17d59/32.png) [@TV\_time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TV_time)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/47 "2005-12-14T13:58:10Z")
Try Alaska - plenty of husband material there, or so I’m told. You probably could maintain a stable. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/48 "2005-12-14T14:06:37Z")
I don’t know who said this about Alaskan men, but I found it hilarious. “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.” ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/49 "2005-12-14T15:02:58Z")
D’ya want mine? He’s going cheap to a good home! 😃 couldn’t resist… ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/50 "2005-12-14T15:11:14Z")
Anytime I’ve heard a single woman say, " I just want to get married/ find a husband." All I hear in the subtext that is my mind, " I’m desperate…" It doesn’t help guys at all that the most popular shows on the tube feature women who are skanky conniving sociopaths ( Sex in the City and Desperate Housewifes.) frankly, if I were a guy, knowing that women were innundated with that, I would be scared. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/51 "2005-12-14T16:14:09Z")
Well, my girlfriend’s friend asks that very same question all the time. Best I can figure out, the answer is she is: -fat -wears too much makeup -violent -self centered -overly possessive -financially unstable -spends all her free time (which is excessive) drinking in frat/dive bars -uncultured All this paints a pretty miserable picture. Then again, we have another acquaintance who is: -about 33 -pretty (strikingly so) -petite -smart and educated -good job and has the same problem. Except she tends to go for wealthy older guys in their 40s who straight tell her they don’t want to get married ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/52 "2005-12-14T17:08:33Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > Funny. I made a bet today that I’d never get married. I’ve got five dollars and eighty-five cents riding on it! > > Of course I have a certain amount of taste. I could never marry any woman who’d have _me_ as a husband. I think you could have your own thread on this one. Maybe even make it the SDMB resolution for 2006. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/53 "2005-12-14T17:24:20Z")
> [@Duckster](#): > > I think you could have your own thread on this one. Maybe even make it the SDMB resolution for 2006. > > 😃 I’m shocked… _shocked!_ to find gambling is going on in here! Your winnings, sir. Thank you very much. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/54 "2005-12-14T17:46:08Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > It doesn’t help guys at all that the most popular shows on the tube feature women who are skanky conniving sociopaths ( Sex in the City and Desperate Housewifes.) frankly, if I were a guy, knowing that women were innundated with that, I would be scared. Good thing I don’t watch much TV then, isn’t it? The ads on the subway are scary enough. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/55 "2005-12-14T17:48:51Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > I’m shocked… _shocked!_ to find gambling is going on in here! > > Your winnings, sir. > > Thank you very much. > > 😃 This happens every time the band strikes up _Le Marseilles_. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/56 "2005-12-14T17:49:17Z")
> [@Portia](#): > > If you look really close, you may be able to find a couple of nice older Indian couples to adopt you and pester single people on your behalf. Aren’t there several hundred thousand Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi people in the Toronto area? Actually, now that you menion it, that’s true. And I do know an older Punjabi lady… but I just work with her. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/57 "2005-12-14T19:14:09Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Then again, we have another acquaintance who is: > -about 33 > -pretty (strikingly so) > -petite > -smart and educated > -good job How’s she doin’? [sub]Great, I’ve been reduced to flirting by proxy.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/58 "2005-12-14T19:21:27Z")
> [@Robot Arm](#): > > How’s she doin’? I was thinking along similar lines until I read this: > [@](#): > > Except she tends to go for wealthy older guys in their 40s who straight tell her they don’t want to get married See, that’s a real turn-off for me. Nothing wrong with money, of course. I wish I had more, so that I could exercise my helicopter certificate and feed my motion picture cameras and travel to other countries whenever I felt like it. But the desire to be in a relationship with someone who is wealthy begs the question ‘Does she love me? Or is she only with me because I have money?’ ---
**Author:** ![moonstarssun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@moonstarssun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moonstarssun)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/59 "2005-12-14T19:49:33Z")
Wanting to get married before you’re even dating someone may be part of the problem. Marriage is a fine outcome in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to be the only one. That said, here’s one thing to think about when you’re looking for a husband: Are you friends with any single, straight guys? If so, don’t discount them as “just friends.” That’s how Mr. m and I wound up getting together–we were friends in high school and stayed in touch when we went to college. Our chatty letters turned into 20-page tomes and then into 3-hour phone calls. When I realized that he was THE guy, I was stunned. If I’d met him at a party, I probably wouldn’t have gone out with him–not because he’s unattractive, but because I was busy dating surfers, artists, and wannabe actors. Years later, after we moved in together, I realized that I had unconsciously been comparing all my prospects to him and finding that they were coming up way short. He’s the best person I know. ---
**Author:** ![moonstarssun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@moonstarssun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moonstarssun)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428/60 "2005-12-14T19:51:05Z")
Wanting to get married before you’re even dating someone may be part of the problem. Marriage is a fine outcome in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to be the only one. That said, here’s one thing to think about: Are you friends with any single, straight guys? If so, don’t discount them as “just friends.” That’s how Mr. m and I wound up getting together–we were friends in high school and stayed in touch when we went to college. Our chatty letters turned into 20-page tomes and then into 3-hour phone calls. When I realized that he was THE guy, I was stunned. If I’d met him at a party, I probably wouldn’t have gone out with him–not because he’s unattractive, but because I was busy dating surfers, artists, and wannabe actors. Years later, after we moved in together, I realized that I had unconsciously been comparing all my prospects to him and finding that they were coming up way short. He’s the best person I know. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-a-husband/335428.md?page=4)