# Why is the Baby Jesus such a pussy? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 5, 2004, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220 "2004-12-05T15:32:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/21 "2004-12-05T19:11:40Z")
> [@Kel Varnsen - Latex Division](#): > > When does God kill the kitten? When I first touch myself or when I have an orgasm? What if I start and then stop and then start again, does God kill two kittens? What if I masturbate as foreplay to impregnant my wife, does the kitten still die? Mmmmm…good questions. I’d say orgasm = dead kitty. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/22 "2004-12-05T19:27:58Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > Mmmmm…good questions. I’d say orgasm = dead kitty. On second thought, the Big G is pretty hardcore. Every time you start masturbating, He whacks a kitty. You whack, He whacks. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/23 "2004-12-05T19:32:42Z")
Any thread by Kel Varnsen makes everyone weep. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/24 "2004-12-05T19:33:30Z")
Has Bob Barker heard about this? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![beergeek279](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ea924/32.png) [@beergeek279](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beergeek279)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/25 "2004-12-05T19:44:08Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Has Bob Barker heard about this? 😃 “Help maintain the pet population…have yourself spayed or neutered!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/26 "2004-12-05T20:53:21Z")
Paging Dr. Freud… Paging Dr. Freud… Dr Freud, please report to the MPSIMS STAT… ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/27 "2004-12-05T21:08:30Z")
> [@CynicalGabe](#): > > Dr Freud, please report to the MPSIMS STAT… “Sometimes a kitten is just a kitten.” ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/28 "2004-12-05T22:05:18Z")
I’m almost afraid to post this… Are we talking about oral or anal pleasure here? No, no!!! Oh, how I have been perverted… ---
**Author:** ![Farmwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8dc957/32.png) [@Farmwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmwoman)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/29 "2004-12-05T22:40:12Z")
In the name of science, I just gave my baby some myrrh. He wept. ---
**Author:** ![JoeSki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b487fb/32.png) [@JoeSki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeSki)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/30 "2004-12-05T23:15:56Z")
Soooooo, if a kitten masterbates, is that suicide? OR does that only apply to us? ---
**Author:** ![Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kel_Varnsen_Latex_Division)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/31 "2004-12-05T23:32:24Z")
> [@](#): > > Soooooo, if a kitten masterbates, is that suicide? OR does that only apply to us? Maybe it kills another kitten? Maybe kittens hate each so that is why they are always going down on themselves? ---
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2004, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/32 "2004-12-05T23:48:31Z")
From the Baby Jesus to kitten masturbation in only 30 posts. Not bad. ---
**Author:** ![Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kel_Varnsen_Latex_Division)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/33 "2004-12-06T00:00:19Z")
What do you think happens if the Baby Jesus uses a kitten to masturbate? Death and tears? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/34 "2004-12-06T00:05:33Z")
Well, yeah. Every time I’ve played with a kitten, sooner or later, out come the claws… ---
**Author:** ![JoeSki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b487fb/32.png) [@JoeSki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeSki)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/35 "2004-12-06T00:07:08Z")
Yeah…kitties are real big on S&M. ---
**Author:** ![Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kel_Varnsen_Latex_Division)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/36 "2004-12-06T00:11:31Z")
Naughty naughty. Kitty kitty. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/37 "2004-12-06T00:21:55Z")
> [@Kel Varnsen - Latex Division](#): > > What do you think happens if the Baby Jesus uses a kitten to masturbate? Death and tears? Where’s that brain bleach when you really need it? ---
**Author:** ![Standup\_Karmic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Standup\_Karmic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Standup_Karmic)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/38 "2004-12-06T00:23:06Z")
OK, here’s a hypothetical for you… You are driving out in the middle of the country. There is nobody else around. You are masturbating a kitten, and God smites it dead. You freak out and you lose control of the car and it hits a tree. There is a lot of damage to the car. Crying Baby Jesus is in the passenger seat and is trapped by the dashboard crushing Crying Baby Jesus. You can’t get Crying Baby Jesus out. The accident also caused a fire. There is no way to stop the fire. Crying Baby Jesus is going to burn to death. Crying Baby Jesus is also aware of the situation was not knocked out by the accident. You have a hand gun with you. All of a sudden, the clouds open above you and Crying Baby Jesus is raised from the burning wreckage and lifted skywards. He’s still crying. Would you shoot the dead kitten, try to get Crying Baby Jesus back (he’s gotta be lucky to have with you at the casino), or would you like what’s behind door number 2? ---
**Author:** ![Yamirskoonir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/c0e974/32.png) [@Yamirskoonir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yamirskoonir)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/39 "2004-12-06T00:29:00Z")
Door #2! Door #2! ---
**Author:** ![Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kel_Varnsen_Latex_Division)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/40 "2004-12-06T00:35:51Z")
> [@](#): > > try to get Crying Baby Jesus back (he’s gotta be lucky to have with you at the casino), This is just stupid. Everyone know you can’t get Baby Jesus in a casio. He stays in the hotel room. They have a book, part 2 of which is about Him, that he likes to read. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220.md?page=3)