# Why is the Baby Jesus such a pussy? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 5, 2004, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220 "2004-12-05T15:32:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/41 "2004-12-06T01:10:19Z")
So, in effect – in a very real and legally binding sense – we can say that Baby Jesus strangles kittens? ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/42 "2004-12-06T01:13:36Z")
> [@Standup Karmic](#): > > OK, here’s a hypothetical for you… > > You are driving out in the middle of the country. There is nobody else around. You are masturbating a kitten, and God smites it dead. You freak out and you lose control of the car and it hits a tree. There is a lot of damage to the car. Crying Baby Jesus is in the passenger seat and is trapped by the dashboard crushing Crying Baby Jesus. You can’t get Crying Baby Jesus out. The accident also caused a fire. There is no way to stop the fire. Crying Baby Jesus is going to burn to death. Crying Baby Jesus is also aware of the situation was not knocked out by the accident. You have a hand gun with you. All of a sudden, the clouds open above you and Crying Baby Jesus is raised from the burning wreckage and lifted skywards. He’s still crying. Would you shoot the dead kitten, try to get Crying Baby Jesus back (he’s gotta be lucky to have with you at the casino), or would you like what’s behind door number 2? Not many people know this but, that is not hypothetical. It really happened. But only once, back in 1690. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/43 "2004-12-06T01:18:11Z")
> [@I Love Me](#): > > Not many people know this but, that is not hypothetical. It really happened. > > But only once, back in 1690. Sounds like an urban legend to me. Did you check with snopes? In the kitty section? ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/44 "2004-12-06T01:35:29Z")
“Can I just take the money?” “There IS no money! Just the curtain and… the lonely guy.” “What could be in there?” “In his pants?” “In the curtain!” “Doesn’t anybody care what’s in my pants?” ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/45 "2004-12-06T01:44:19Z")
That brings up another interesting question. When Baby Jesus dropped a load in his diapers, would that have been referred to as HOLY SHIT??? ---
**Author:** ![Farmwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8dc957/32.png) [@Farmwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmwoman)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/46 "2004-12-06T01:48:13Z")
> [@Tentacle Monster](#): > > “Doesn’t anybody care what’s in my pants?” Baking soda? ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/47 "2004-12-06T01:51:45Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > That brings up another interesting question. > > When Baby Jesus dropped a load in his diapers, would that have been referred to as HOLY SHIT??? Well, if an old, half-eaten cheese sammich can fetch over $20,000 on ebay, what would be the going price for fresh god crap? ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/48 "2004-12-06T02:03:13Z")
> [@Kel Varnsen - Latex Division](#): > > Everyone know you can’t get Baby Jesus in a casio. Right on that, I also think the Baby Jesus is too big to fit in a [casio](http://www.casio.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=products.detail&catalog=Music%20Instruments§ion=Starter%20Keyboards&product=SA%2D75). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Standup\_Karmic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Standup\_Karmic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Standup_Karmic)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/49 "2004-12-06T02:05:19Z")
According to what I could make out from my Catholic upbringing (before being excommunicated, that is), is that God is in everything. Including Sterter Musical Keyboards. And gum. ---
**Author:** ![Standup\_Karmic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Standup\_Karmic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Standup_Karmic)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/50 "2004-12-06T02:06:22Z")
Starter ones, too. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/51 "2004-12-06T02:09:14Z")
> [@Standup Karmic](#): > > Starter ones, too. Dang, that’s right. :smack: He’s a shifty one, that Jesus. ---
**Author:** ![Standup\_Karmic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Standup\_Karmic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Standup_Karmic)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/52 "2004-12-06T02:12:53Z")
Though, y’know, while you might be able to sneak Crying Baby Jesus into a casino by hiding him in a Casio, I’m betting dollars to donuts that the muffled whimpering would give him away. ---
**Author:** ![Farmwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8dc957/32.png) [@Farmwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmwoman)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/53 "2004-12-06T02:25:34Z")
Well, _that’s_ what the kitten is for. You blame the muffled wimpering on the cute little fur-ball. 'Course, considering the poor thing is locked away with that pervert Baby Jesus, she may be doing some muffled wimpering of her own… ---
**Author:** ![violacrane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c57346/32.png) [@violacrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/violacrane)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/54 "2004-12-06T02:39:36Z")
This thread has made me cry … with laughter. ---
**Author:** ![Standup\_Karmic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Standup\_Karmic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Standup_Karmic)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/55 "2004-12-06T03:01:53Z")
I was pondering the subject of this thread over dinner, and a few queries have popped up. First, is the kitten killed upon one masturbator masturbating, or would you need nine different masturbators? I have always heard that _curiosity_ killed the cat. Does that mean that curiosity, in addition to masturbation, kills kittens? For example, does my pondering this thread out of curiosity harm kittens in any way? Or is it just the kitten’s own curiosity that is harmful. Or, if it is people curiosity that is dangerous, perhaps rather than a general, “if you’re curious a kitten will die”, it’s more specific masturbatory curiousity that causes the problem…perhaps a kitten dies when you think, “gee, I wonder what it feels like when I touch myself…here…oh yeah!” [mew…] Does the gender of the masturbator have any effect upon the determination of the gender of the kitten to be killed? Male masturbator = dead boy kitty, etc.? If masturbation makes Baby Jesus cry, how come he doesn’t simply not watch? I mean, every time I watch the movie, “My Girl” I get all freakin’ boo-hoo-ey. So I don’t watch. It’s not hard to figure that one out, Crying Baby Jesus. That’s all I’m wondering for now, but I do reserve the right to wonder additional facets at a later time or date. ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/56 "2004-12-06T03:28:47Z")
Funny that just now a Scrubs commercial came on where one of the guys says, “Have you ever seen a drunk baby?” Now _that_ would make the Baby Jesus cry. Would probably give Him hiccups too. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/57 "2004-12-06T04:02:00Z")
> [@Standup Karmic](#): > > I have always heard that _curiosity_ killed the cat. Does that mean that curiosity, in addition to masturbation, kills kittens? Does that make Jesus curious? Cuz, ya know…with the omnipotence thing that he’s got going on, curiosity ain’t gonna play too well with the masses. ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/58 "2004-12-06T04:07:58Z")
> [@Tikki](#): > > Funny that just now a Scrubs commercial came on where one of the guys says, “Have you ever seen a drunk baby?” Now _that_ would make the Baby Jesus cry. Would probably give Him hiccups too. So, what you’re saying is that you think Baby Jesus would be one of those annoying weepy drunks? Why not a happy drunk? I know I’d prefer my supreme being to be the giggley drunk that finds everything funny. I definitely wouldn’t want the Baby Jesus to be a mean drunk that just goes around smiting everyone in the bar. Can Baby Jesus smite people or is that just his dad? And where is the Holy Spirit during all of this? Is that what got Baby Jesus drunk, Holy Spirits? I doubt it was Zima … now that would make Baby Jesus cry. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2004, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220/59 "2004-12-06T04:52:18Z")
I’ve heard that everytime a woman masturbates, God creates a puppy. So is this a fair trade or not? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-the-baby-jesus-such-a-pussy/278220.md?page=2)