# Why is virgin-shaming still acceptable in society? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [May 4, 2015, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270 "2015-05-04T20:20:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e47c2d/32.png) [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hershele_Ostropoler)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/21 "2015-05-05T00:30:50Z")
I don’t think I’ve encountered the attitude that fat-shaming is wrong and the attitude that virgin-shaming is ok in the same person in the last few years. It took people I know a little longer to catch on about virgin-shaming, but that’s because they’re mostly Americans, and the puritan streak is strong here, and virgin-shaming looks deceptively like taking on The Man. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/22 "2015-05-05T00:41:59Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Because in this day and age, if you haven’t seen _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_, you deserve public ridicule. Well, honestly, it’s shocking how the youth today just have no respect for the classics. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/23 "2015-05-05T05:57:36Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Are you arguing that people should have an open romantic life, but the consequences of being open about their sexual lives (or lack thereof) are fair game? > > That’s somewhat what I meant when I said “but to a lesser extent”; common activities like dating or marriage will out someone who’s gay. But it wasn’t that long ago that it was common to keep such things secret. We’re not there yet, but we’re moving in the direction that gays and lesbians shouldn’t have to hide who they are. Why should virgins? To be clear, no one should be shamed. We all started out as virgins, after all. But the great thing about today’s society (at least in civilized places) is that you can go out in public with your loved one no matter if they are the same or a different sex from you. That’s natural. But why would one announce one’s virginity in public? And being a virgin has nothing to do with it - why would one announce the age they first had sex in public? “I’m a virgin! See that large green ‘V’ on my chest.” “Who cares?” I’m not a virgin!" “Schmuck, you have twelve kids. We know.” ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/24 "2015-05-05T06:10:08Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > If you routinely show up at every social event without anyone on your arm, you never talk about SO’s–past or present-- and you make the mistake of asking a certain kind of question or not understanding a certain kind of joke…well, it doesn’t take long for people to guess. Virgins can have SOs also. I didn’t know virginity meant being cloistered. Sure, you probably don’t live with them, but that’s not a real indicator. > [@](#): > > During casual moments when I’ve let my guard down, people have “guessed” my status. I usually play it cool and either lie or throw out something ambiguous, just to be mysterious. Among the people I associate with now, I haven’t come out and told anyone the truth. But I’m not naive enough to think they don’t know. The people I hung around with in college didn’t go into the details, even when women stayed over. Unless you do the “nudge nudge wink wink” thing of course. I have no idea about whether some of my friends in college were virgins or not. They didn’t see much action during the year, but who knows about the summer? > [@](#): > > Which is problematic. Either virgins are portrayed as losers or saints, rather than normal people. Well, the claim was that virgins were always portrayed as losers. If virginity is a plot point, then maybe. But in the old days at least who knew who was who? And now you have gotten me thinking of porn movie versions of Jesus movies. The Dirtiest Story ever Told? The Parted Robe? ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/25 "2015-05-05T06:28:54Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > And now you have gotten me thinking of porn movie versions of Jesus movies. The Dirtiest Story ever Told? The Parted Robe? The Lust Temptation of Christ. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/26 "2015-05-05T06:47:09Z")
I think it’s more complex than in the OP. I don’t think there’s much of a stigma attached to being a virgin _per se_. Firstly, if you’re someone who tries and repeatedly fails at something…then society will look down on you. So if you want to have sex, but have so far failed to find a willing partner…yeah there’s stigma there. It’s hard to imagine society changing so much that that’s no longer the case. Secondly, you couldn’t admit to being a virgin if you’re out with “da boyz” having a uber bloke-ish conversation. But that situation there’s a big pressure to be macho and lots of things are off the table that are acceptable just about anywhere else. But talking to one or more _close_ friends about your reasons for _choosing_ to be a virgin? I really don’t think there’s much stigma there. They might feel you’re missing out on something, or you’re making too big a deal of sex, but that’s not the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/27 "2015-05-05T07:35:15Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Not true, some people will insult preemptively, “You must be a 35 year old virgin,” or, “You going to be a 45 year old virgin someday.” So? Why associate with this type of people? > [@Velocity](#): > > And you seem to imply that virgin-shaming is okay if someone broadcasts the fact that they’re a virgin. There are several religious denominations with the view that people should wait until they are married before they have sex. They probably engage in fornicator-shaming, for people who have sex with people they are not married to. Why are you concerned about the one type of shaming but not the other? ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/28 "2015-05-05T07:44:49Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > So? Why associate with this type of people? This is like saying, “If you don’t like fat-shaming, then don’t associate with people who fat-shame.” It’s giving their behavior a free pass. > [@PastTense](#): > > They probably engage in fornicator-shaming, for people who have sex with people they are not married to. Why are you concerned about the one type of shaming but not the other? My OP specifically mentions slut-shaming and virgin shaming. ---
**Author:** ![Rune](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e68b1a/32.png) [@Rune](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rune)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/29 "2015-05-05T10:15:21Z")
Guys virgin shaming girls is news to me. Girls virgin shaming men kinda follows a widespread pre-selection preference they have. It’s the same with sex toys. Vibrators and such are cool, male sex toys are for losers. When did we stop shaming fat people and sluts? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/30 "2015-05-05T10:51:16Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Virgins can have SOs also. I didn’t know virginity meant being cloistered. Sure, you probably don’t live with them, but that’s not a real indicator. Come on now. The kind of virgin who is “shamed” for being a virgin is not the kind of virgin who has had a slew of SOs. The “loser” virgin is the who does not have anyone hanging on his arm. If he has someone hanging on his arm, everyone just as well assumes he’s getting some. > [@](#): > > The people I hung around with in college didn’t go into the details, even when women stayed over. Unless you do the “nudge nudge wink wink” thing of course. > I have no idea about whether some of my friends in college were virgins or not. They didn’t see much action during the year, but who knows about the summer? You aren’t a virgin, right? So why do you think you have experience with “virgin shaming”? IIRC, you’re not the youngest guy in the world. College was a long time ago for you, before the days of social media and message boards. I think if I were a young male who lacks certain experiences, I’d be filled with enormous self-loathing and fear. Because “bro have you even touched a girl?” is a thing on the internet. > [@](#): > > Well, the claim was that virgins were always portrayed as losers. Only die-hard religious types want to be Jesus. Jesus ain’t cool. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/31 "2015-05-05T13:02:53Z")
> [@Rune](#): > > Guys virgin shaming girls is news to me. Girls virgin shaming men kinda follows a widespread pre-selection preference they have. It’s the same with sex toys. Vibrators and such are cool, male sex toys are for losers. > > When did we stop shaming fat people and sluts? We HAVEN’T stopped shaming those behaviors. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/32 "2015-05-05T15:12:12Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > We HAVEN’T stopped shaming those behaviors. Fat-shaming and slut-shaming hasn’t stopped _entirely_, but the tide has definitely turned against it. ---
**Author:** ![Gothic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Gothic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gothic)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/33 "2015-05-05T15:18:03Z")
I only hear this kind of shaming on sitcoms involving Chuck Lorre and movies about Cheerleaders. I really hope it is not present in schools anymore. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/34 "2015-05-05T15:26:54Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Fat-shaming and slut-shaming hasn’t stopped _entirely_, but the tide has definitely turned against it. There are voices that rally against fat-shaming, true. But plenty of people still think it’s perfectly acceptable to moralize obesity. All you have to do is go to the latest IMHO threads on the subject. People are great at saying the “right” things in public. Only a minority of people will shame someone to their face about their fatness. But in private converrsations, it is very common for, say, a couple of women to secretly laugh at another for having the audacity to squeeze her fat body into tight clothing. Their laughing underscores the shame of fatness and perpetuates it. As long as fatness carries a stigma, this isn’t going away. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/35 "2015-05-05T15:27:57Z")
> [@Gothic](#): > > I only hear this kind of shaming on sitcoms involving Chuck Lorre and movies about Cheerleaders. I really hope it is not present in schools anymore. If it’s on TV and movies, why do you think it’s not present in schools? ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/36 "2015-05-05T15:32:22Z")
> [@Rune](#): > > Guys virgin shaming girls is news to me. Ah, you must be a young’un. Back in the days post-Sexual Revolution and pre-AIDS, a woman who wasn’t eager for sexual experience was frequently called “cold” or “frigid”. “Frigid bitch” was the typical form of the slur. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/37 "2015-05-05T15:43:07Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Ah, you must be a young’un. Back in the days post-Sexual Revolution and pre-AIDS, a woman who wasn’t eager for sexual experience was frequently called “cold” or “frigid”. “Frigid bitch” was the typical form of the slur. Ahhhh, the early AIDs era. About the time I would have felt comfortable getting busy now and then was the time AIDs came up big time. Very bad timing for a mildly unwilling virgin who wasn’t having sex mainly because of serious possible down sides. Though on the plus side I neither got AIDS nor knocked up some crazy assed woman… ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/38 "2015-05-05T16:19:42Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Come on now. The kind of virgin who is “shamed” for being a virgin is not the kind of virgin who has had a slew of SOs. The “loser” virgin is the who does not have anyone hanging on his arm. If he has someone hanging on his arm, everyone just as well assumes he’s getting some. Shaming someone without a social life I’ll give you. That kind of thing is more obvious. But that set of people is not the same as the set of virgins. Especially not for men, given the existence of prostitutes. > [@](#): > > You aren’t a virgin, right? So why do you think you have experience with “virgin shaming”? > > IIRC, you’re not the youngest guy in the world. College was a long time ago for you, before the days of social media and message boards. I think if I were a young male who lacks certain experiences, I’d be filled with enormous self-loathing and fear. Because “bro have you even touched a girl?” is a thing on the internet. The college I went to did not have the most socially with it people in the world, and I include myself in this. People who inject themselves into discussions about which they are ignorant are going to get shamed, but the same would happen to me if I joined a thread about cars as an expert. > [@](#): > > Only die-hard religious types want to be Jesus. Jesus ain’t cool. Maybe. But those movies don’t show him as a loser. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/39 "2015-05-05T16:22:16Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Ah, you must be a young’un. Back in the days post-Sexual Revolution and pre-AIDS, a woman who wasn’t eager for sexual experience was frequently called “cold” or “frigid”. “Frigid bitch” was the typical form of the slur. In my experience a guy only said that if she wasn’t eager for a sexual experience with him. Not that I heard this slur, but in my circles women not being interested in us was the norm. ---
**Author:** ![PSXer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/48db29/32.png) [@PSXer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PSXer)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270/40 "2015-05-05T16:22:25Z")
Jesus was a virgin by choice you’re only a loser if you want to have sex but can’t get any [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-virgin-shaming-still-acceptable-in-society/719270.md?page=3)