# Why is widowhood taken to be more sorrowful than divorcehood? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 5, 2016, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583 "2016-06-05T16:19:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![mr\_wolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5e9695/32.png) [@mr\_wolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr_wolf)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/1 "2016-06-05T16:19:41Z")
If there are no kids involved, the final effect is virtually the same: you have lost a loved one, so why are reactions so different when people are told one thing and the other? ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/2 "2016-06-05T16:23:39Z")
Because separating with a partner where the relationship didn’t work out is different than having your loving partner die. Without some further elaboration it’s not clear what you are missing about the difference. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/3 "2016-06-05T16:28:56Z")
> [@mr\_wolf](#): > > If there are no kids involved, the final effect is virtually the same: you have lost a loved one, so why are reactions so different when people are told one thing and the other? Presumably in the case of a divorce, you don’t actually love the person you’re losing any more. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/4 "2016-06-05T16:40:58Z")
Divorce is usually by choice, widowhood much more rarely so. It is the difference between quitting a job and being fired, or between dieting and starving. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/5 "2016-06-05T16:49:15Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > Presumably in the case of a divorce, you don’t actually love the person you’re losing any more. Right. Unless we’re talking about one of those relatively rare “We still love each other, we just can’t live together” divorces—in which case the big difference is that you still have the option to see and talk to your ex. If you were someone who hated your husband and didn’t want him in your life any longer, I suppose widowhood might be preferable to divorcehood. Otherwise, I don’t understand why this would even be a question. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/6 "2016-06-05T17:01:06Z")
> [@mr\_wolf](#): > > If there are no kids involved, the final effect is virtually the same: you have lost a loved one, so why are reactions so different when people are told one thing and the other? As someone who has been widowed but not divorced, I think they are actually very similar experiences, though obviously I’m guessing about the divorce part. In most circumstances, the end of a marriage involves a ton of grieving and readjustments. I don’t think the experience of these things I much different if hte marriage ends through death or divorce. And even the most voluntary divorce is still a loss. It’s an admission of failure for some people, a tragedy for some others. There is a lot of judgment brought to bear on the divorced, even now when it is so common. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/7 "2016-06-05T17:11:08Z")
Yeah… generally speaking, either way you’ve lost a person you loved, and a relationship that was important. That may have happened some time _before_ the divorce, but the divorce drives it home. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/8 "2016-06-05T17:14:42Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > Presumably in the case of a divorce, you don’t actually love the person you’re losing any more. Unless you’re part of the very common situation where one party wants the divorce and the other doesn’t and is destroyed by it. My father is still bitter over forty fucking years later. > [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Right. Unless we’re talking about one of those relatively rare “We still love each other, we just can’t live together” divorces—in which case the big difference is that you still have the option to see and talk to your ex > . That was me. I’ve been divorced for ten years now. Last night was the ex’s birthday. I went out to dinner and then a club with her and her boy friend and a couple of mutual friends. We had a great time. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/9 "2016-06-05T18:07:18Z")
When I was about ten, my parents got divorced. When I was fifteen, they remarried each other. My dad died last year. I’m pretty sure my mom’s marriage with him isn’t coming back from that. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/10 "2016-06-05T18:33:31Z")
With respect **Miller** that sounds a lot more interesting than this thread. ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/11 "2016-06-05T18:49:30Z")
This is not so much a debate as a request for opinions. Off to IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/12 "2016-06-05T19:15:25Z")
It is fashionable to mourn death, or at least appear to, and to hate the living. A few local idlers sometimes sit and talk on the bench in front of my supermarket. One day I overheard them when the subject of the ex of one of them came up, and there were some general insulting remarks. “She was alright”, said the one she had abandoned, finally. “I couldn’t give her what she wanted so she found someone who could. God bless her.” Sometimes when the wise speak, it is not who you expect it to be. She was not the same as dead, to him. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/13 "2016-06-05T19:34:37Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > It is fashionable to mourn death, or at least appear to, and to hate the living. > > A few local idlers sometimes sit and talk on the bench in front of my supermarket. One day I overheard them when the subject of the ex of one of them came up, and there were some general insulting remarks. “She was alright”, said the one she had abandoned, finally. “I couldn’t give her what she wanted so she found someone who could. God bless her.” Sometimes when the wise speak, it is not who you expect it to be. She was not the same as dead, to him. That’s a great way of putting it and matches my case exactly. We had a great ten years or so and then a crappy five years. Her boy friend, who I love, is so great for her. The previous one not so much but he and I got along great as well. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/14 "2016-06-05T20:10:00Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > It is fashionable to mourn death, or at least appear to, and to hate the living. > > … (snipped) It’s _fashionable_ to appear to mourn the death of a loved one? ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/15 "2016-06-05T20:44:49Z")
Now, if your spouse died on the way to finalizing the divorce… ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/16 "2016-06-05T22:38:52Z")
In a divorce, if you are the dumper presumably you don’t love the person anymore. If you are the dumpee, people recognize that you will likely realize that being with someone who doesn’t love you generally sucks. With death, its assumed you had a mutual relationship of love. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/17 "2016-06-05T23:45:16Z")
In a spouse’s death, there’s rarely a reason to blame the departed. In a divorce, there’s bitterness and the feeling that it’s the other spouse’s fault. Sometimes, there’s lots of anger, bitterness, and blame, and sometimes toward both parties. Friendly, polite divorces are seldom seen. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/18 "2016-06-05T23:58:32Z")
People become divorced due to their own actions where as, except in the case of murder, widowhood is not due the widow’s actions. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/19 "2016-06-05T23:59:29Z")
I think death of a spouse must be worse than divorce (I’ve only been through the latter), but there is one area in which I think it must generally be harder to be divorced: in-laws. My ex immediately started a new relationship and pressured his family to cut me out; they didn’t entirely but they did stop being my family and downgraded to acquaintances in short order. I lost more than one person when he walked out. Some in-laws manage to maintain a family-like relationship with the ex, but there are others where it all gets too messy or awkward. ---
**Author:** ![chorpler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chorpler/32/2888_2.png) [@chorpler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chorpler)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/20 "2016-06-06T00:13:54Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > It’s _fashionable_ to appear to mourn the death of a loved one? I think what **jtur88** meant was that it’s “fashionable” for **other** people (not the loved ones of the person in question) to judge and attack someone while they’re alive, but to “not speak ill of the dead” when someone dies. I may have misunderstood, and I don’t know if “fashionable” was the right way of saying it, but that’s what I thought he was trying to say. (I think **jtur88** is a he, but I can’t remember for sure.) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583.md?page=2)