# Why is widowhood taken to be more sorrowful than divorcehood? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 5, 2016, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583 "2016-06-05T16:19:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![spamforbrains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@spamforbrains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spamforbrains)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/21 "2016-06-06T00:57:58Z")
Most people who get divorced are extremely happy the relationship is done with. Most people who are widowed (not all, I’m sure) are quite upset the relationship suddenly ended. If I found out my ex had died (preferentially very painfully) I’d throw a party. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/22 "2016-06-06T09:42:20Z")
I have to believe (or at least fervently Hope) that the OP is incredibly young. Have you lost a parent to death? The death of a parent smacks you in the face with your own mortality. The death of your mate is MUCH more immediate, unless there is a simply HUGE age difference. If it’s your mate’s turn, how much more time to you suppose YOU have? ---
**Author:** ![evasgram](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ec9cab/32.png) [@evasgram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evasgram)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/23 "2016-06-06T12:42:53Z")
My first marriage ended at age 30 from divorce. It was a very happy day for me, 10 years of misery over at last. It took very little adjustment or time to move on. 15 years later I was widowed when my second husband died. It’s been 5 years and I am still coping and trying to adjust. In my case, no comparison between the two. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/24 "2016-06-06T14:29:07Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > Divorce is usually by choice. Not necessarily. It certainly wasn’t my choice. I probably did react like a widower when it ended and went through the stages of grief (well, not anger, though I certainly had cause). Not having gone through the death of a spouse, I can’t say how it’s different, except that it will have been after several decades of marriage, not just four years. Also, there’s no chance of reconciliation once she’s dead. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/25 "2016-06-06T14:40:46Z")
> [@mr\_wolf](#): > > If there are no kids involved, the final effect is virtually the same: you have lost a loved one, so why are reactions so different when people are told one thing and the other? Seriously? _Because someone died_. Death is the termknation of all possibilities of reconciilation, of connection, of anything at all. And death is generally not voluntary. People choose to divorce; they rarely choose to die. Next you’ll be asking why people consider being shot in the face worse than being punched in the face. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/26 "2016-06-06T14:42:18Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > I think death of a spouse must be worse than divorce (I’ve only been through the latter), but there is one area in which I think it must generally be harder to be divorced: in-laws. I think there are several ways divorce can be harder, sometimes much harder: Feelings of rejection and inadequacy, self-doubt, lack of finality, (if the couple has children) having to deal constantly with the person at an odd remove, etc. Being widowed obviously has it’s own issues: guilt (most people deal with some if a spouse dies), finality, quite often the suddenness of the death, etc. In any case, I think they are more alike than not from the perspective of the person dealing with the end of the relationship. I find it troubling that when I told people I was previously married they assumed divorce, and if I clarified (often I didn’t) that I was widowed they would immediately rush to make up for the judgment they were handing down before, even though I was often not aware they were doing it. In other words, people would apologies to me for silently judging me for having a divorce when I was actually widowed. That is messed up. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/27 "2016-06-06T14:48:33Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > As someone who has been widowed but not divorced, I think they are actually very similar experiences, though obviously I’m guessing about the divorce part. > > In most circumstances, the end of a marriage involves a ton of grieving and readjustments. I don’t think the experience of these things I much different if hte marriage ends through death or divorce. And even the most voluntary divorce is still a loss. It’s an admission of failure for some people, a tragedy for some others. > > There is a lot of judgment brought to bear on the divorced, even now when it is so common. My late aunt Gigi was once widowed, twice divorced. Even those the second divorce involved her being ripped off and at one point beaten up by her husband, I know for a certainty that the widowhood was much, much more traumatic. When she got Bertie out of her life she was relieved and happy; when her kids’ husband died she was almost broken. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/28 "2016-06-06T15:23:11Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Now, if your spouse died on the way to finalizing the divorce… That happened to my sister. After she and her husband split, he basically drank himself to death. The divorce wasn’t finalized when he died; they were technically still married. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/29 "2016-06-06T21:54:31Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > Not necessarily. It certainly wasn’t my choice. > > I probably did react like a widower when it ended and went through the stages of grief (well, not anger, though I certainly had cause). > > Not having gone through the death of a spouse, I can’t say how it’s different, except that it will have been after several decades of marriage, not just four years. Also, there’s no chance of reconciliation once she’s dead. My experience was similar, but there was lots and lots of anger. It’s always driven me crazy that people say it takes two to make a marriage fail. No, it really doesn’t. It can just take one very self absorbed individual who doesn’t even attempt to make it work and bails at the first hurdle. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/30 "2016-06-06T22:16:27Z")
My ex’s parents divorced when she was 14. 16 years later she was waving the “child of divorce” victim flag and was annoyed because I didn’t buy it at all. Why? Because my dad died when I was 13. I couldn’t play one parent against the other and if she wanted to talk to her dad, all she had to do was pick up the phone and call him. But that probably more her than all children of divorce. She had a lot of issues. ---
**Author:** ![abderian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de0a6/32.png) [@abderian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abderian)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/31 "2016-06-06T23:13:20Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > When I was about ten, my parents got divorced. When I was fifteen, they remarried each other. > > My dad died last year. I’m pretty sure my mom’s marriage with him isn’t coming back from that. This. My widowed friend had divorcees tell her bitterly how “lucky” she was that her husband was dead, as she “got all the stuff” and she wouldn’t have to see him with other women. Two of those divorcees later re-married their ex-husbands. Two. My friend wishes she had that option. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/32 "2016-06-07T01:07:14Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > My experience was similar, but there was lots and lots of anger. > > It’s always driven me crazy that people say it takes two to make a marriage fail. No, it really doesn’t. It can just take one very self absorbed individual who doesn’t even attempt to make it work and bails at the first hurdle. Well, my issue was that I thought it was my fault. It was many years later that she mentioned that the things I though I had done to drive her away weren’t factors, and they she thought the whole thing was her fault. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/33 "2016-06-07T01:27:12Z")
\*Disclaimer: Didn’t read the whole thread. \* I’m divorced from my first marriage AND widowed in my second marriage and IME (emphasis on the E) the death of someone creates a more profound loss than when one person moves out. When someone is dead they are absolutely and irrevocably gone. You can’t call them up later or take care of unfinished business or run into them on the street one day or hear how \ turned out when you run into a former mutual friend years down the road. When someone dies, their life stops right there. They stop living. Your divorced ex-spouse goes on living. S/he is still walking around on the face of the earth having a life. Therefore the loss is not as great as when you hold someone’s hand while the life goes out of them and later on you use a shovel to throw dirt down on their coffin. My ex husband from my first marriage went on to marry someone else. I’ve looked at both his and his wife’s facebook page and they seem to have had and are still having a very happy life and that makes me happy. It really does. He found someone who was a better match and his life went on. My late husband…well, his life stopped 16 years ago this coming July. Period. So if we’re talking about the MAGNITUDE of loss, death is a greater loss than divorce. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/34 "2016-06-07T02:02:01Z")
I’ve never been married, but I have been told many, many times by people who have experienced both that being widowed is MUCH worse than being divorced. At my age, people generally assume I am divorced. I’ll KNOW I’m getting old when people start assuming I’m widowed, assuming I don’t find someone in the meantime. :smack: Assuming someone’s divorced when they’re actually widowed is very embarrassing, and I never assume that someone is single due to divorce. However, widowed people are usually OK with it because they’ve made the same assumption themselves. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/35 "2016-06-07T02:34:05Z")
You can have an amiable relationship with an ex-spouse. You don’t get to have a mutual relationship of any kind with a dead spouse. ---
**Author:** ![minor7flat5](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/minor7flat5/32/258_2.png) [@minor7flat5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minor7flat5)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583/36 "2016-06-07T02:36:00Z")
Though it seems to be an exceeding rarity, if a couple is truly the right match for each other, they are each other’s best friend, and they _are_ one, always happy together, always sad together, going through life’s highs and lows together, as the wedding vows suggest they ought. At that point, loss of a partner would be more profound than loss of a brother–it would mean loss of a substantial part of your being. In a divorce, one presumably did not have such strong personal intimate connections with he other; besides, the other is still alive. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-is-widowhood-taken-to-be-more-sorrowful-than-divorcehood/756583.md?page=1)