# Why men don't cry **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 17, 2003, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721 "2003-08-17T04:39:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![caffeine\_overdose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85e7bf/32.png) [@caffeine\_overdose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caffeine_overdose)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/1 "2003-08-17T04:39:50Z")
The classic toast is “To friends not present, to the past remembered, and the future unknown.” This is one of the most emotionally honest toasts that men give. It admits our sadness and we don’t like to admit our sadness over friends that we will miss. Some say that’s because of machoism but machoism is only partly the cause. It’s more than that, we cannot allow ourselves to admit that we are going to miss the person. It hurts in a way that we aren’t equipped to deal with. It’s not a wolf gnawing at are leg it’s a loss gnawing at our heart. Women can deal with this loss they allow themselves to cry, no part of them has a problem with crying when they feel the need. My best friend of 13 years left for college today and I gave him a hug and said “Good luck.” While driving away I got a lump in my throat and for me that was a big step. Even this essay is sort of a denial I can’t just deal with the grief; I have to be productive and write about it, not only that but I won’t tell my friends instead I’ll post it for a group of strangers on the internet. Aaron Sorkin wrote “A man’s past is more important to him than his future.” This is true but we can’t admit it. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/2 "2003-08-17T05:07:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by caffeine\_overdose \* > **…a wolf gnawing at are leg…** That’s no reason to cry. Though, if the the events leading to are ironic, it would be a reason to laugh. Crying ain’t going to solve any of my problems, so why bother? Seriously. Why bother? ---
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/3 "2003-08-17T05:23:53Z")
Some men are man enough to cry. Depending on the situation though. Break my arm doing something stupid to impress the ladies? Not on your life. Pain I can deal with without crying, the physical kind anyways. Emotional pain? Sometimes if just feels good to cry. Shit, sometimes I cry during movies. Maybe you should try talking about it. Who knows, you might grow as a man. I think that most of it is the father figure telling young boys not to cry. I dont think my dad ever told me not to cry Not that anyone really cares. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/4 "2003-08-17T06:55:17Z")
Men don’t cry? Sure we do. We just don’t get hysterical about it. (Sorry.) Seriously, I couldn’t imagine feeling a need to inhibit appropriate emotions. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/5 "2003-08-17T08:28:07Z")
I think a problem is that a lot of guys have this social pressure to supress crying, which I think is bad. A man who cries is often unfairly labeled as weak, emotionally fragile, unmasculine, etc. I cry all the time, for plenty of silly reasons- I cried when I found out I got fired from the grocery store I worked at. Probably because I had spent so long looking for a job, and even though I wasn’t totally crazy about the job, it was something I was able to adapt to and every day had gotten easier for me to handle it. I cried because I felt it was unfair, that I had tried so hard to find a job, and to make the job work out, only to fail. I cried when I thought my cat ran away. I cried over many bad relationships. Some things that aren’t really so much sad but just overstimulating can make me cry. For instance, seeing the alien city/aliens in The Abyss made me cry. The Intro of “The Lion King” also made me cry for some odd reason. I tend to cry when I am very angry. Anger and sadness have a lot of overlap in my mind, so that if I am angry I get sad, and vice versa. And honestly, I don’t care if the whole world puts me down for being a crybaby. Because I’ll tell you the worst feeling for me is not the despair often associated with crying, but the feeling of supressing the urge to cry. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 10:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/6 "2003-08-17T10:14:25Z")
From the novel _Look Homeward Angel_ by Thomas Wolfe: > [@](#): > > …a stone, a leaf, an unfound door; of a stone, a leaf, a door. And of all the forgotten faces. > Naked and alone we came into exile. In her dark womb we did not know our mother’s face; from the prison of her flesh have we come into the unspeakable and incommunicable prison of this earth. > Which of us has known his brother? Which of us has looked into his father’s heart? Which of us has not remained forever prison-pent? Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone? > O waste of loss, in the hot mazes, lost, among bright stars on this most weary unbright cinder, lost! Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When? > O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again. May you find the solace and healing that can come with the tears. Be true to yourself and your friend and all the lost days. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/7 "2003-08-17T14:21:37Z")
I think a lot of it has more to do with differing personalities than gender. Me? (I’m a woman, BTW), I cry when I’m: angry, sad, frustrated, touched, very happy, or when someone I care about is crying. Hubby, OTOH, has cried: at the birth of our three children, at a counseling session for our oldest child, at the death of his brother, and, once, over his first wife, but he was piss-drunk at the time, so I don’t know if it really counts. Anyway, my point is this: one of the reasons I think he doesn’t cry nearly as much as I do is this: he is logc-based. He doesn’t see crying as a solution, therefore, to him, there’s no point. Me? I’m much more emotion-oriented. So, when I feel like crying, I cry. ---
**Author:** ![acrossthesea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/838e76/32.png) [@acrossthesea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/acrossthesea)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/8 "2003-08-17T14:49:27Z")
I hate when guys try to do the whole “men don’t cry” thing. They’re human beings and human beings relieve certain emotions by crying. It’s normal and ok. My 3 year old boy cries easily, not just for little kid things but also for more sensitive things like if his sister gets hurt or anyone near him is unhappy. Although his father will tell him often not to cry unless it’s for something big, like an injury, I try to discourage this. I don’t think letting him cry is going to make him grow up “weak”. I hope it will allow him to hold on to the compassion for others that he has now. ---
**Author:** ![Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gut)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/9 "2003-08-17T14:51:13Z")
[Jack Handy] It takes big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man [/Jack Handy] I let myself cry due to emotional pain on occasion. Sometimes it’s just easier to let it out than keep trying to stuff it back in. I’ll get a lump in my throat during some movies or particularly tragic new story but don’t let the tears flow. Last night in a dream I cried for an entire day due to the loss of a friend. (Dream friend, not a real person)I wonder if some of men’s crying happens in a dream state and since we don’t remember many of our dreams we are happy to believe we don’t cry much. I think I’m babbling now, need more coffee. ---
**Author:** ![Crivens](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4bbf92/32.png) [@Crivens](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crivens)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/10 "2003-08-17T16:29:56Z")
Mmmm… No. I don’t think i’ve cried since entering my teens. It does me no good. I’d just rather deal with the emotion in another way - I’ll go to the gym and work out to exhaustion, or go for a long walk on my own. Theres otherways of acknowledging your feelings than crying. To say that a man is immature because he won’t cry is insulting, IMHO. I just deal differently. ---
**Author:** ![Electronic\_Chaos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Electronic\_Chaos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electronic_Chaos)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/11 "2003-08-17T16:51:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crivens \* > \*\*To say that a man is immature because he won’t cry is insulting, IMHO. I just deal differently. \*\* To be fair, I think most people here are saying it’s immature to not cry for fear of being seen as un-manly. ---
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/12 "2003-08-17T16:56:17Z")
Yup. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/13 "2003-08-17T17:22:27Z")
My dad used to embarrass me by crying at silly stuff. If he had to stand in front of a group of people and read from the Bible or lead the singing at church, chances were great that before he made his way through either task he would start crying. Not boo-hooing, but get the quivering lip and tears and this pained expression on his face. I used to want to hide since he was the only man I knew with that whatever it was. Otherwise, he was one of the macho types who clung to the “men don’t cry” thing, even though he was aware of his little “affliction.” I can’t recall where along the way I quit trying to hold back tears. I think I did hold back for a long time, maybe even until I was grown. Nowadays I find that I have something similar to what Daddy had. Something will move me and I just can’t talk about it without going through those same moves. Quivering lip, tears, choking up. Not boo-hoo crying but that unable-to-control thing. I get it when I’m reading aloud sometimes. I have to pause, take some breaths, swallow a bit before being able to continue. If the passage is especially moving, I may go through any number of those episodes. I’m not ashamed to cry, and there are plenty of movies where I do. And I have never put that phony control thing (men don’t cry) on my sons. There is a sort of admiration for a guy who you can tell would love to cry, but doesn’t. But there’s also an admiration for the big heman who does cry. Hard to nail this one down. ---
**Author:** ![International\_Playboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/48db29/32.png) [@International\_Playboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/International_Playboy)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/14 "2003-08-17T18:49:41Z")
I can feel the tears well up due to frustration and also when I experience live music and other pleasurable events. The last time I cried was just a few weeks ago. In July, I attended a three day meditation seminar in San Diego. On the third day, one of the attendees there, who I found out later was a Swami from India, sang a song while he played on a set of tablas, which, for lack of a better description, are sort of like bongo drums. I’ve always like the sound of these types of drums. The Swami sang a song, I think in the Tamil language, about “Siva’s Dance.” I didn’t understand a word to this song but something struck me at a deeper level and I started to blink back tears. Finally, though I wanted to watch the finger work on the drums, I just closed my eyes and listened to the music. When the song ended and I opened my eyes, tears streamed down my cheeks. It took some time to recover after that. I made it a point to thank the Swami for the song later and my voice cracked when I spoke to him. I took up meditation several years ago to deal with stress, as a substitute for certain herbs which had become harder to acquire and my employment forbids, and because the Guru claims these meditations will bring prosperity. When I first started meditating regularly, I would cry almost every time. I guess there was a lot of pent up emotions that were brought out in those early days. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/15 "2003-08-17T19:04:17Z")
**International Playboy** , you’ve reminded me of my thing with music, too. I mentioned the movies but forgot how some tunes and songs will get me teary if not sobbing, almost every time I hear them. In fact, I think there may have been some threads on this subject since I came on board. Gilbert O’Sullivan’s _Alone Again, Naturally_ is one that gets me almost without exception. And it’s not just the words. Something about the synergy of that piece works to yank the tears. And it may have been in one of those threads where I described how a wedding reception band playing _Over The Rainbow_ got me all blubbery. And I suppose the one that always works is _Amazing Grace_ played on bagpipes, especially at funerals. And I have had experiences with music such as **International Playboy** has described where the emotion comes not so much **from** the music but more like **through** it. ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/16 "2003-08-17T19:28:32Z")
Didn’t Cecil have a column that said that no one really believes any more than it’s all socialization? He said that there was a marked decrease in crying after about age 2. ---
**Author:** ![Priam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/77aa72/32.png) [@Priam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Priam)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/17 "2003-08-17T19:38:10Z")
I’m gonna have to kinda agree with **Cardinal** (and maybe Cecil if someone finds the column). Men do cry, men can cry, but I don’t think we cry in quantity. I get misty-eyed pretty easily. I get sniffly too, as well as the quivering part. My eyes get blurred to a certain degree. But actual out-and-out sobbing with copious tears? Hasn’t happened since I was really young. The closest I’ve gotten recently was at my grandmother’s death, and that was more wracking sobs than tears. I just can’t get the quantity of tear-duct action that I’ve seen women get. ---
**Author:** ![Trigonal\_Planar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/0ea827/32.png) [@Trigonal\_Planar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trigonal_Planar)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/18 "2003-08-17T20:32:00Z")
I haven’t cried since my pre-teen years; I was never much of a crier even when I was young. I’m a very logic-based person…to the point that people might even say I have a “cold” personality. Stuff just doesn’t bother me very much – its not that I supress crying out of some social pressure – its just that I don’t ever get that emotional. > [@](#): > > “A man’s past is more important to him than his future.” This is true but we can’t admit it. Maybe for you, but definitely not the case for me. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2003, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/19 "2003-08-17T23:17:27Z")
I’m not a particularly virile sort, but I rarely cry- and it’s NOT as if I’m constantly suppressing tears. I can be deeply, profoundly sad without crying, and I often have been. When tears feel natural, I shed them without worrying about it… but that only happens every 2 or 3 years. And frankly, I have little but scorn for people who think they know my feelings better than I do, and urge me “don’t hold back” or “go ahead and cry, you KNOW you want to.” I think most men are like me in that regard. It’s NOT that we’re constantly fighting off tears because we’re afraid of looking un-macho. We just don’t get the urge to cry nearly as often as women or sensitive New Agers think we should. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2003, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721/20 "2003-08-18T00:20:56Z")
Men who don’t cry kinda creep me out. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-men-dont-cry/195721.md?page=2)