# Why must men pretend they don't want to sleep with women? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 10, 2006, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906 "2006-11-10T18:43:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Roboto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b77776/32.png) [@Roboto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roboto)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/1 "2006-11-10T18:43:18Z")
I’m reading “The Game” by Neil Strauss, in which he makes several interesting comments. Among them, he discusses how men want sex a lot more than they let on, even among themselves, and that most relationships begin with the man pretending that he does not want to have sex with the woman. Depends on your approach I guess. I suppose that some are very blatant about wanting to have sex. For regular guys like me, I generally identify a woman, make a decision of whether or not I’d like to have sex with her, and then try to engage her under different pretenses, with the ultimate goal of having sex with her. Also, when you’re on a date that is going extremely well (i.e. you can tell that you’re probably going to have sex that night) you generally still need a false pretence for inviting a girl up into your apartment/house, such as “Oh, I want to play you that song I was talking about” or something like that. Why is that? Why can’t we just say, “Would you like to come up to the apartment so that we can have sex?” These social conventions are interesting, and I’m curious as to your opinion of why they exist. ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/2 "2006-11-10T19:01:17Z")
In our society, women who openly seek and desire sex are still branded as sluts and whores. It’s acceptable for men to be horndogs and chase after everything in a skirt but if a woman did likewise, she’d be thought of negatively by the vast majority of people. If the man comes right out and says “Would you like to come up so we can have sex?” Then the woman has to worry about his opinion of her changing if she says yes. Luckily this is changing, I’ve seen more and more women openly stating their sexual desires, but these ideas still have a strong hold. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/3 "2006-11-10T19:13:03Z")
This is one of those reasons I’m glad to be gay. Its much easier to say to another guy, “So, you wanna have sex?” Poor straight guys, having to play all those games to get laid. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/4 "2006-11-10T19:21:37Z")
[QUOTE=Antinor01] This is one of those reasons I’m glad to be gay. Its much easier to say to another guy, “So, you wanna have sex?” Poor straight guys, having to play all those games to get laid. 😃 [/QUOTE] I don’t know about that: in my experience, women see through the games. So you have to be seriously nice to them, and they have seriously want you. But, in the end, it’s worth it for us straight guys. (But perhaps it is easier for the women). ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/5 "2006-11-10T19:25:35Z")
If a guy asks me out, I assume he wants to have sex with me, and is just spending a couple of hours with me first to be comfortable that I’m not going to boil his bunny afterward. It’s not often I feel confident speaking for the majority of women, but I’ll go ahead and assert that if we’re on a date, we know that you want to have sex with us. We’re deciding if we want to have sex with you. You don’t have to pretend, but you \*\*do \*\* have to work for it. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/6 "2006-11-10T19:32:23Z")
I don’t think it’s a matter of avoiding saying you want to have sex with the woman, it’s more a matter of it not being obvious that it’s the main reason you’re interested in her. It’s also important that a man have the confidence and social skills to know when the time is right for more direct romantic interaction. Ill-timed passes or propositions may suggest that the man might not be so schmoove in the sack, and women most certainly pay attention to these sorts of things. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/7 "2006-11-10T20:30:34Z")
[QUOTE=Giles] I don’t know about that: in my experience, women see through the games. So you have to be seriously nice to them, and they have seriously want you. But, in the end, it’s worth it for us straight guys. (But perhaps it is easier for the women). [/QUOTE] I was just teasing. Well, mostly. ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/8 "2006-11-10T20:32:06Z")
[QUOTE=Antinor01] I was just teasing. Well, mostly. [/QUOTE] Now, now! Don’t feed the stereotype that all you gay men are teases! ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/9 "2006-11-10T20:33:10Z")
Because while most men may be desirious of constant sex in a kind of back of the mind sort of way, some of us have decided not to have intimate relations outside of marriage. That’s just me, nothing against all you guys out there dating, it’s just my way of getting through life. So for me, there’s no pretending. ---
**Author:** ![Roboto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b77776/32.png) [@Roboto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roboto)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/10 "2006-11-10T21:13:38Z")
[QUOTE=BMalion] Because while most men may be desirious of constant sex in a kind of back of the mind sort of way, some of us have decided not to have intimate relations outside of marriage. That’s just me, nothing against all you guys out there dating, it’s just my way of getting through life. So for me, there’s no pretending. [/QUOTE] But does a monogomous marrige quell the constant desire for sex in the back of your mind? You don’t have to pretend, but I dont see how it would quell the constant desire fro sex. If anything, it seems to me that marriage would increase that desire. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/11 "2006-11-10T21:16:47Z")
[QUOTE=An Arky] I don’t think it’s a matter of avoiding saying you want to have sex with the woman, it’s more a matter of it not being obvious that it’s the main reason you’re interested in her. [/QUOTE] So I have to start out with a lie… ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/12 "2006-11-10T21:24:16Z")
[QUOTE=Roboto] But does a monogomous marrige quell the constant desire for sex in the back of your mind? [/quote] Nope. Neither does a monogamous relationship prevent me from thinking, _‘Wow! I’d do her in a heartbeat!’_ A monogamous marriage means I won’t, though. > [@Roboto](#): > > You don’t have to pretend, but I dont see how it would quell the constant desire fro sex. It’s not always _that_ easy. ---
**Author:** ![Roboto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b77776/32.png) [@Roboto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roboto)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/13 "2006-11-10T21:32:26Z")
[QUOTE=D\_Odds] Nope. Neither does a monogamous relationship prevent me from thinking, _‘Wow! I’d do her in a heartbeat!’_ [/QUOTE] I can relate. I recently got out of my longest monogamous relationship ever (2 years) and was absolutely uninterested in sex (with her) by the end. There was nothing exciting about it, in fact, it was chore. And after other breakups, I really missed the sex once it was done, but 3 months later I don’t miss it one bit. So now it’s back to the drawing board . . . and a lot of pretending to not want sex! ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/14 "2006-11-10T21:54:28Z")
I don’t pretend an absence of interest in having sex with women any more than I pretend that I do not breathe. Nor do I see much reason to call attention to either fact, since it does not occur to me that anyone would think otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/15 "2006-11-10T21:58:50Z")
[QUOTE=An Arky] I don’t think it’s a matter of avoiding saying you want to have sex with the woman, it’s more a matter of it not being obvious that it’s the main reason you’re interested in her. [/QUOTE] That’s basically it. I don’t think that many women just want to have one-night stands with random guys. They either want, or feel they need to give the appearance of wanting, to at least be attempting to get into a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Autumn\_Almanac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d26b3c/32.png) [@Autumn\_Almanac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autumn_Almanac)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/16 "2006-11-10T21:59:58Z")
[QUOTE=BMalion] Because while most men may be desirious of constant sex in a kind of back of the mind sort of way, some of us have decided not to have intimate relations outside of marriage. [/QUOTE] Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/17 "2006-11-10T22:33:10Z")
I don’t pretend. And I don’t try to hide the fact. In fact, I intend to not hide the fact tonight. I’ll let you know how it goes. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/18 "2006-11-10T22:43:55Z")
[QUOTE=Giles] Now, now! Don’t feed the stereotype that all you gay men are teases! [/QUOTE] Sorry Giles baby, didn’t mean to get you all hot and bothered. Now, get back to your pretending! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/19 "2006-11-10T22:53:35Z")
[QUOTE=An Arky] I don’t think it’s a matter of avoiding saying you want to have sex with the woman, it’s more a matter of it not being obvious that it’s the main reason you’re interested in her. [/QUOTE] If “the main reason” someone wants to spend time with me is the possibility of sex, damn, he’s going to be hideously boring company. Not to mention that that’s a pretty unflattering sort of interest. It boils down to “Oooh, you have an innie, so I’ll spend time with you”, and if that’s all the interaction has going for it, that’s pretty pathetic. If someone’s primary interest is in genitalia, well, that’s not a terribly high standard to meet – any damn woman could provide it, so why on earth would I be interested in any damn woman being me? None of this means “Conceal your sexual attraction”; it means “If you’re not interested in me as a human being, I’m not interested in you as a lover.” If I’m dealing with a guy whose primary interest in me is sex, he’s not offering me anything that I can’t get in designer colours from an internet vendor cheaper and with less maintenance required. A guy whose interest in me is in _me_, whole package, that’s something worth more than the price of a couple of batteries. ---
**Author:** ![yoyodyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a9a28c/32.png) [@yoyodyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yoyodyne)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906/20 "2006-11-10T23:12:10Z")
[QUOTE=Lilairen] If someone’s primary interest is in genitalia, well, that’s not a terribly high standard to meet – any damn woman could provide it, so why on earth would I be interested in any damn woman being me? [/QUOTE] The problem is that they won’t. [QUOTE=Lilairen] None of this means “Conceal your sexual attraction”; it means “If you’re not interested in me as a human being, I’m not interested in you as a lover.” [/QUOTE] …and thus the pretending. [QUOTE=Lilairen] If I’m dealing with a guy whose primary interest in me is sex, he’s not offering me anything that I can’t get in designer colours from an internet vendor cheaper and with less maintenance required. A guy whose interest in me is in _me_, whole package, that’s something worth more than the price of a couple of batteries. [/QUOTE] …and thus the pretending. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-must-men-pretend-they-dont-want-to-sleep-with-women/379906.md?page=2)