Our ‘arguments’ would boil down to this - We decide to go out to eat, one of us picks a place, the other person would rather go to a different place. Unless there is a real underlying reason to go to the first pick, we go to the second. You want to go there instead? “Oh, OK”
I can’t think of anything either of us has done to actually anger the other.
Impressive.
A couple of friends, happily married for decades, told us that their secret is truly believing that “we can both be right.”
We haven’t had a single argument, either—we’ve had hundreds. Most of them because we’re both really tired and grumpy. Once we figured out the pattern, and how each of us escalates (without meaning to), things got a lot better. I suspect a lot of couples just don’t seek and seek to solve those patterns.
I don’t argue with my husband often, but we’ve had some rows over the years. He’s the stonewalling type and is very uncomfortable with marital conflict; I’m like “Let’s do this!” It might start out rough but we always reach mutual understanding by the end.
For the most part we get along famously. Usually when we butt heads it’s a byproduct of other stressors. That’s when we have to reframe it as “us vs the world” which is how we’ve felt for a long time. We’ve had long periods of isolation together where we just had to figure it out and manage on our own. There’s a real strong bond there because of that, and we can rely on it when times get hard.
I think part of the reason that my wife and I don’t argue is that we both worked for the same company for decades. Different departments but we all worked very closely together.
We knew and understood each others work problems.
Also, she was an Ironman racer. I was her sherpa. I REALLY understand the obstacles she had to overcome. I saw them first hand. I called the paramedics for her. I picked her up after falls. I totally understood why she might be stressing out, and I was the one that talked her down.
Not that I would ever have an argument with my husband about where to eat , but how does this work in other situations? I can barely understand how it works with where to eat - seems like the second person always gets to choose.
Most of the arguments I’ve had with my husband don’t exactly involve either of us doing something that angers the other , unless being thoughtless is “doing something”. Because that’s what almost all of them have been - how could you decide to join a Thurday night bowling league when you know I work late Thursdays and someone has to stay with the kids? You only get two weeks vacation a year - why do you always arrange to use one of them for a trip I don’t even want to go on? Which are the reasons why we have many fewer arguments now that the kids are grown and we’re retired - most them involved how to spend the limited time we weren’t working. No longer working, so going to Atlantic City for the weekend doesn’t mean I have to wait another week to do whatever it is I wanted to do.
We simply lay out alternatives.
For instance, my wife had worked very hard on getting us a trip to Europe for last August.
Turned out that that ended up right in the end of moving to a different house. There where way too many balls in the air. Dogs to take care of a house to organize.
So I said I thought we should delay the trip. She restructured all because she agreed. It was easy. Wasn’t an argument in any sense of the word.
Marriage is easy because we just live by these simple rules:
Sorry, I know this is just a joke but I just feel so triggered by it. I think we can all agree that a Husband who tries to control their wife is a giant flaming asshole.
But for some reason, it is a big joke in Western society that men are hopeless incompetents who need a woman to tell them what to do, or they will drown in their own filth.
Yeah, both stereotypes are horrible.
I am curious as to what married people think of Gottman’s Principles For A Happy Marriage. An academic who has spent his life doing this and helping thousands of couples.
Excerpt:
1. Share Love Maps: This is where all the information learned about our partners gets stored. One example of information gathered and stored is the things that they like and things that they dislike.[3][4][5]
2. Nurture Your Fondness & Admiration: This is showing that you care about the other person and focusing on and acknowledging the positives. The basis for this starts in friendship.[3][4][5]
3. Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away: This is doing things together and showing the other person that they are valued. It is taking the time to listen and not telling them you don’t have time.[3][5][4 ]
4. Let Your Partner Influence You: This is sharing the decision making and being willing to both make decisions and respect your partner’s decisions.[3][4][ 5]
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems: This is realizing which problems can be solved and solving them using skills for managing conflict, which include: using Softened Startup, Repair and De-escalation, Physiological Self-Soothing, Accepting What You Cannot Change, Accepting Influence, and Compromise.[3][4] [5]
6. Overcome Gridlock: This is figuring out what is causing a block in your life and taking steps to overcome this block. It does not necessarily mean fixing problems but taking steps to overcome them.[3][4] [5]
7. Create Shared Meaning: This is creating a life that is shared and meaningful for both of you.[4][5] “Marriage isn’t about just raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together–a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be part of the family you have become” (Gottman & Silver, 1999) .[3]
Source:
I am leery of anyone that is using the word “spiritual” to suggest improvements I can make to my life.
Hey, I would go further and say that everyone talking about something spiritual or transcendental is talking bullshit.
ETA: to put that comment into perspective: I don’t want to dismiss, well, the power of love. I experienced it myself. But it’s something natural, that’s how we are wired by nature.
Are you from an ethnic group where big weddings are common? I worked a few of those ginormous weddings in college; they were always awful. 300 guests is about the maximum for anyone to have a good time.
To me, “spiritual” does not have to mean “religious” or “supernatural.” But, YMMV.
Same for me. To me, ‘spiritual’ means those human concepts of love, justice, kindness, patience, honesty, and so forth. I become more spiritual when my behavior conforms more with those principles. And those principles have no foundation in physics, mathematics, etc. But to me they’re still very real.
Ok, accepted, you have different definitions of spirituality than I. And according to your definition, I retract my spirituality=bullshit remark, I meant anything supernatural, and I deny such a thing, because everything around us is natural, including love, kindness and all the other concepts you mentioned.
To me, either — it often just means woo.
It’s yet another case of “context means everything.”
Yeah, my husband is Italian-American. So is everyone else he’s related to. I am an introvert from a small family, most relatives I don’t even talk to. I won’t say I’m totally used to his family but I am assimilated. Lots of people, many children. Good people, mostly. Good sense of humor. One thing I will give them credit for: they know how to eat. The food is always top notch.
But the noise. The noise, noise, noise, noise!
I cannot.