# Why People Don't Want to Date You **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 28, 2010, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692 "2010-10-28T18:47:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/41 "2010-10-28T23:13:27Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > I’m 47. That’s a turnoff for many women. How old are the women you’re trying to date? Most 47-year-old women would love to date a man the same age–at least the ones I know, including me. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/42 "2010-10-28T23:17:20Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Anywho, lately I’ve been getting “you’re too smart” a lot. Which is funny, because you guys all know me— I’m, ya know, not. At all. 😛 Usually when I probe after this statement is made, what they mean is I’m too quick, ie: too quick to catch on to what they are saying or doing. In other words, they think they couldn’t pull one over on me if they wanted to. All in all, I suppose it’s good these relationships don’t work out :D. Yes! I’ve gotten that “too smart” thing, too, and when I pressed for more information from one guy, he told me that he knew he’d never be able to pull one over on me. **That’s** what men want? A woman they can deceive? There’s more than one reason I’m single. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/43 "2010-10-28T23:20:53Z")
I’m in a wheelchair. Not exactly a characteristic women seek out. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/44 "2010-10-28T23:31:50Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > A lot of people seem interested in me, but I’ve been partnered for 6 years now so obviously that’s why I’m not dating. > > While I have my good points when it comes to personality, I can be downright obnoxious. I’m very cynical, always negative, and ‘brutally honest’, which is to say ‘bluntly and humorously rude’. Add to that the fact that I like myself better than anyone else (although confidence often attracts people to you), and my near-total lack of emotion, it’s a wonder most men would be interested at all. I can’t flirt and I hate being touched by most people. I certainly would never have sex with anything I didn’t know well. > > But I’m quite conventionally attractive and it seems that’s what’s most important to many men. The fact that I often act like a socially disabled teenage boy doesn’t even seem to stick out. Heh. You sound hot even on paper. Cynical, negative, brutally honest, rude…? We’re used to that. That just makes you more approachable. None of that icky gooey emotional stuff. And if you’re as attractive as you say you are, being hard to get/talk to just makes 'em want to try even harder. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/45 "2010-10-28T23:35:52Z")
> [@Drain\_Bead](#): > > I’m married. People generally find that to be a turn-off in a dating partner. Same here. I’ve heard tales of people who don’t mind, but I never meet them. Other than that, I’m very sarcastic and facetious. Some people don’t seem to like that. > [@Sunspace](#): > > I’m 47. That’s a turnoff for many women. You’re just looking in the wrong age ranges. You’ve got the choice of under-25 gold diggers and over-40 divorcees. Just give up on the 25-39 professional woman group. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/46 "2010-10-28T23:44:27Z")
> [@Electric\_Warrior](#): > > I’ve been wondering about this for a while. On top of my slight social awkwardness and tendency to be overenthusiastic, it looks like the top reason is because I don’t know what to do in the situations where I meet people who might date me. I had a very nice conversation over lunch today with a guy in one of my classes and it was only after we parted ways with a mutual ‘it was nice talking to you’ that it occurred to me that I could have asked him if he was available some time to have lunch/dinner/what-have-you again. > > So, I guess the tl;dr version is that people don’t want to date me because they can’t tell I want to date them? Yeah, I got that too. Also the only people who ever hit on me (I’m attached but it’s not like there’s a sign around my neck) are smelly homeless guys at the library, and they do that because I work here and can’t run away. I dunno, I’ve been told I’m attractive, and I’ve gained a bit of weight but I think it doesn’t look bad on me. I could lose, say, ten pounds ideally. Maybe guys think I’m out of their league. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/47 "2010-10-28T23:45:01Z")
Quoth **Mr. Excellent** : > [@](#): > > I’m rather shy, reluctant to even so much as suggest a sexual interest for fear of giving offense, and absolutely clueless when it comes to women. There are very, very good reasons that I don’t get many dates. A fair description of myself, as well, though I do know the first thing about women (just not the second). Added to that, though, I’m also hoping to finish my PhD in the near future, at which point I would be moving on to who-knows-where, making this really not an ideal time to start a relationship, so I haven’t actually been really trying lately. And of course not trying is going to have a very strong negative impact on the number of dates I get. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/48 "2010-10-28T23:51:21Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > The most common response is that I’m “too intense.” I have no fucking idea what that means. No, I’m not confessing undying devotion on the second date. In fact, the L word never gets to make an appearance at all, because they leave during the “waaaayyy too soon” phase. > > Apparently guys prefer girlfriends who aren’t all that into them? Switch that around and that’s my main reason/excuse. I don’t care because life’s too short to hold yourself back for 6 dates just because you are afraid that you’ll scare someone off with your “intensity”. Yes I’m an intense person and aren’t afraid to show it/admit it! The right one won’t be scared away. > [@appleciders](#): > > I’m friendly, kind, and sensitive, which means that I’m usually into the friend zone about thirty minutes after meeting a girl. I’ve done OK for myself in spite of that, but that’s the single largest obstacle I have to dating. Trying to head off the usual “nice guy/girl nobody will date me” angst, I’ll posit a new theory; you don’t have any dysfunctional “hooks” to draw someone to you (note I didn’t use the word “attract”). That is, people are often (not universally) drawn to each other because their neuroses match up. If you don’t have any (big!) issues of that sort, the walking emotional wounded won’t be drawn to you. Since I no longer won’t put up with any of that crap, at all, those sorts of people don’t bother with me (at least that’s my theory 🆒). ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/49 "2010-10-28T23:56:45Z")
> [@](#): > > Why People Don’t Want to Date You because I’m not much to look at, and no fun to be with. ---
**Author:** ![torie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/77aa72/32.png) [@torie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/torie)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/50 "2010-10-28T23:57:09Z")
I’m married, so that’s why I don’t date now. But I’ll answer the question as if I were single. I’m overweight, but I’ve always been to some degree, so I don’t think that would put many men off. I’m loud and sarcastic, but again, always have been. Hell, even when I was a total raging psycho I always had men interested. So I guess the biggest reasons now would be that I smoke and I have two kids. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/51 "2010-10-29T00:03:42Z")
Yellow heavy smoker’s teeth and wearing the same dumb clothes as I did back in college doesn’t do me any favours. Not that I look for dates in the first place, but if I were, that’d probably be where I’d focus first. Oh, and I’m very much an asshole and a lazy bum. So there’s that too. But really, it’s more the clothes thing 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/52 "2010-10-29T00:21:37Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > somebody else shot John Lennon, cock-blocking Jodie Foster until I can come up with a plan B. ^ftw ---
**Author:** ![margin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@margin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/margin)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/53 "2010-10-29T00:29:11Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > We all have our deal-breakers in the dating world, and we’ve had threads about them before. But I want to turn the tables and ask what behavior _you_ exhibit that’s often a deal-breaker for _others._ > > The big thing with me is sex. I usually date a guy for a couple months before I will sleep with him, and that’s too long for many, many guys. So they look elsewhere. > > Sooooo … what do you do that turns people away? I tend to scare guys. Combat veteran and all that. Well, I suppose I should say, _the wrong kind of guys._ My most recent ex was also military and he thought it was amusing that someone as small as I was was apparently so ferocious. All I do is stand up straight and look people in the…breastbone. Well, I look people in the eye and the stuff that intimidates most people simply doesn’t work on me. After a few IEDs in Iraq, you’d be the same way, too. All of this is stuff that the ex loved. He used to call me ‘killer’. I adored that he was so flip about it. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/54 "2010-10-29T00:30:20Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > Trying to head off the usual “nice guy/girl nobody will date me” angst, I’ll posit a new theory; you don’t have any dysfunctional “hooks” to draw someone to you (note I didn’t use the word “attract”). That is, people are often (not universally) drawn to each other because their neuroses match up. If you don’t have any (big!) issues of that sort, the walking emotional wounded won’t be drawn to you. Since I no longer won’t put up with any of that crap, at all, those sorts of people don’t bother with me (at least that’s my theory 🆒). No, no angst here; I’m happily in a very healthy relationship, and honestly, I’m typically in a happy relationship. However, the OP asked “What do you do that turns people away?” and that’s the single most common issue I have had in the past. I know how to solve it (normally by dating people I’m not already in the friend zone with) and I haven’t had a major issue with it since high school. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/55 "2010-10-29T00:30:22Z")
I’m really sarcastic. Also superior. Also married. ---
**Author:** ![margin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@margin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/margin)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/56 "2010-10-29T00:39:55Z")
I never have had a relationship result from a dating situation. I’ve had a few of them end that way, however, including one that ended before it began when I jumped out of his vehicle on the freeway on ramp. He was horribly homophobic, why bother with the date after that deal breaker? My relationships are always accidental. I’m doing something else and…I meet somebody. I’m never dressed up, and neither are they. It’s always an accident. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/57 "2010-10-29T00:48:49Z")
> [@margin](#): > > I tend to scare guys. Combat veteran and all that. Well, I suppose I should say, _the wrong kind of guys._ My most recent ex was also military and he thought it was amusing that someone as small as I was was apparently so ferocious. All I do is stand up straight and look people in the…breastbone. Well, I look people in the eye and the stuff that intimidates most people simply doesn’t work on me. After a few IEDs in Iraq, you’d be the same way, too. All of this is stuff that the ex loved. He used to call me ‘killer’. I adored that he was so flip about it. Have I told you that I love you? Seriously, though…I think too much and I say what I’m thinking. It’s been that way my whole life. But hey, I’m a chess player and an intelligence analyst. I took the Yale astrophysics course on [academicearth.org](http://www.academicearth.org) just for fun. It’s just what I do. So get a lot of “So you think you’re better than me?” and I unfortunately just say, flat out, “No, I’m just smarter than you, is all.” Of course, I’m getting married next fall so perhaps I don’t have such a problem after all. ---
**Author:** ![margin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@margin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/margin)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/58 "2010-10-29T00:57:31Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > Have I told you that I love you? > > Seriously, though…I think too much and I say what I’m thinking. It’s been that way my whole life. But hey, I’m a chess player and an intelligence analyst. I took the Yale astrophysics course on [academicearth.org](http://www.academicearth.org) just for fun. It’s just what I do. So get a lot of “So you think you’re better than me?” and I unfortunately just say, flat out, “No, I’m just smarter than you, is all.” > > Of course, I’m getting married next fall so perhaps I don’t have such a problem after all. Obviously you don’t know that I’m man-hating feminazi who’s crazy. In some peoples’ opinion. I wind up meeting guys in the oddest ways. I once dated a police officer after I had a bad day at the dirty bookstore where I worked, and got a little too enthusiastic busting a would be robber. He tried to rob the store by demanding that I open the cash register…_without saying please or thank you._ When the cops came in, things looked bad for me, as I was sitting on the guy, delivering an etiquette lesson the way Emily Post would if Emily Post was in the WWF. The key is, you find a person who likes _you._ The reason _Bridget Jones’ Diary_ resonated with so many women, I think, is because of the line, “I like you just the way you are.” Er…Yeah…I also tend to try and fix things. Which I’m doing now. “You’re not undateable, you just need to find the right person. Would you like some chicken soup and a sandwich?” ---
**Author:** ![BigBertha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@BigBertha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigBertha)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/59 "2010-10-29T01:00:00Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Quoth **Mr. Excellent** :A fair description of myself, as well, though I do know the first thing about women (just not the second).. Great sense of humor! Plus, youre smart. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/60 "2010-10-29T02:00:56Z")
I smoke a bit, which would be a dealbreaker for some people. No one I’ve wanted to date has had a problem with this though. I don’t know if this is a dealbreaker, but I also tend to be rather sensitive and emotional about certain things. Not that I can’t take a bit of teasing and friendly insults as banter, but if the person I like gets seriously angry at me for something or other I crumble with guilt over having done something wrong. Probably a hangup from my childhood (my parents were very good at punishing me with my own guilt). That being said, no one has broken up with me over this. Yet, anyway. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692.md?page=4)