# Why People Don't Want to Date You **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 28, 2010, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692 "2010-10-28T18:47:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buckler_of_Swashing)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/61 "2010-10-29T02:04:08Z")
I’m socially awkward with everyone but my close, long-time friends. I am mousy and a bit dorky. I have short hair and am a bit tomboyish\* at times. I’ll speak my mind even if it means ending a relationship, ie: I won’t put up with crap just to gain or keep a boyfriend. I prefer to date people I have become friends with through casual no-pressure acquaintanceship so I know something about them upon which to base any potential attraction, rather than attend an awkward pressure-filled ‘first date’ with some guy I barely know which has little to no chance of turning into anything worthwhile because it’s basically just trial-and-error random sampling and which won’t actually tell me anything about him because the whole thing will be the usual social charade. But, guys seem to have this thing now about being friends where they won’t do it because ‘the friend zone’ (what a load of shit) that they’ve invented is apparently the death knell of any potential relationship. :rolleyes: Whatever. Feel free to ignore all the successful relationship based on initial friendships, but if you’re shutting yourself off from a whole sub-section of women just because they prefer to find out who you are before establishing a romantic connection, don’t complain to me when you can’t get a girl to stay with you for more than a few dates. - this is one of those things where my experience on the Dope unfortunately doesn’t map onto my experience of the world. I see lots of guys here claiming to love tomboyish girls, but I rarely encounter any in real life. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/62 "2010-10-29T02:23:02Z")
I’m a fat, agnostic, liberal smoker in a bible belt red state. A lot of intelligent guys who share my politics and lack of religion object to the weight and/or the smoking. The ones who don’t object to those, object (or are rejected by me) for the politics or religion. Then there are the ones who won’t date a yankee. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/63 "2010-10-29T02:29:34Z")
Once upon a time, I would have said that I was fat and unattractive. Ultimately, I learned that it was really just a lack of self-confidence. I ended up in a marriage with a woman who wasn’t really into me because I figured she was willing to take me, and nobody else ever was. When the marriage was over, I stopped burying myself in my feelings of self-doubt and just didn’t care all that much what people thought of me. And almost immediately, I wound up briefly being involved with two women who, under my previous theory, had absolutely no business being interested in me. It’s amazing how much difference attitude can make. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/64 "2010-10-29T02:45:26Z")
> [@Buckler\_of\_Swashing](#): > > But, guys seem to have this thing now about being friends where they won’t do it because ‘the friend zone’ (what a load of shit) that they’ve invented is apparently the death knell of any potential relationship. :rolleyes: Whatever. Feel free to ignore all the successful relationship based on initial friendships, but if you’re shutting yourself off from a whole sub-section of women just because they prefer to find out who you are before establishing a romantic connection, don’t complain to me when you can’t get a girl to stay with you for more than a few dates. I thought having a friend zone was a girl thing. In my experience, guys have pretty few scruples about dating a friend, if they were attracted to her in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![AnnaKareninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@AnnaKareninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnnaKareninja)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/65 "2010-10-29T03:02:11Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I thought having a friend zone was a girl thing. Because of the friend zone: I’m the friendly girl who all available people are friends with, but will never be dated because they cannot decide whether to break the friend zone, or I’m being friendly because I like them, or like-LIKE them. Its the LATTER, people! Gah. Maybe they’re clueless, or I am, or both. Now that I think about it, we’re a bunch of cluelessness. I’m doomed. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/66 "2010-10-29T03:13:21Z")
Basically, people don’t want to date me because I don’t want to date them. Besides, I’ve already got a man in my life, and that’s enough. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/67 "2010-10-29T03:57:40Z")
> [@Buckler\_of\_Swashing](#): > > - this is one of those things where my experience on the Dope unfortunately doesn’t map onto my experience of the world. I see lots of guys here claiming to love tomboyish girls, but I rarely encounter any in real life. \ I see you’re in Australia-perhaps it’s different than in the States. In any event that’s another reason in my column: I have very little use for conventional standards of femininity, but the I’m-Me-deal-with-it trending towards androgynity types are few and far between here (I tend to notice the strange-and-unusual, but that doesn’t come along every day). ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/68 "2010-10-29T04:01:49Z")
> [@AnnaKareninja](#): > > Because of the friend zone: I’m the friendly girl who all available people are friends with, but will never be dated because they cannot decide whether to break the friend zone, or I’m being friendly because I like them, or like-LIKE them. Its the LATTER, people! Gah. Maybe they’re clueless, or I am, or both. Now that I think about it, we’re a bunch of cluelessness. I’m doomed. I usually manage to get my interest across by smooching them. Dating is a two way street. If you think someone is hesitating because they’re not sure if their feelings are reciprocated, then you should assure them that they are, rather than hoping they will figure it out on their own. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/69 "2010-10-29T04:14:46Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > Why People Don’t Want to Date You If I knew what I was doing wrong, I’d stop doing it. ---
**Author:** ![sitchensis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sitchensis/32/4892_2.png) [@sitchensis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sitchensis)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/70 "2010-10-29T04:16:44Z")
I live in Alaska ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/71 "2010-10-29T04:21:58Z")
Because I get hammered and make a fool of myself. This hhas led to my reputation of being a creep Also I’m short red headed and have no money. I live at home with my parents. My friends treat me like an ass sometimes which doesn’t help. Insecure tense don’t make moves when I know I should. I could go on and on. ---
**Author:** ![DooWahDiddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@DooWahDiddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooWahDiddy)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/72 "2010-10-29T04:27:19Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Apparently guys prefer girlfriends who aren’t all that into them? You joke, but… yeah, this is pretty much it. See: Groucho Marx. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/73 "2010-10-29T04:44:20Z")
> [@Buckler\_of\_Swashing](#): > > - this is one of those things where my experience on the Dope unfortunately doesn’t map onto my experience of the world. I see lots of guys here claiming to love tomboyish girls, but I rarely encounter any in real life. In my experience what they really mean is they like girls who are “one of the boys”, only they can sleep with them too. Which means not getting all upset and femme-like about the mess, not talking too much, being able to live on pizza with a side of bacon for a week straight without complaining (or getting fat ;)), rating _Star Wars_ or _The Godfather_ above \*Bridget Jones \*and never, ever \*\*ever \*\*threatening to take them shopping for clothes or furniture. Underwear video game sessions experience a plus. Teetotallers need not apply. Some clients may also request affinity with power tools, motorbikes and/or contact sports. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/74 "2010-10-29T04:46:25Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I thought having a friend zone was a girl thing. In my experience, guys have pretty few scruples about dating a friend, if they were attracted to her in the first place. [oversimplification] Friend zone for girls is when you make dirty jokes along with the boys and you lose all your allure. [/oversimplification] ---
**Author:** ![Cyberhwk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7993a0/32.png) [@Cyberhwk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyberhwk)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/75 "2010-10-29T07:18:51Z")
I’m overweight and have a bit of a stutter, but mostly I’m just really boring and introverted. Lots of coworkers head out after work and hit a casino, go clubbing, then head out to someone’s house for a party. I come home, take a shower, get on the Dope, then put in a movie and/or read a book. I get invited out often enough, but it’s just not my thing. I’d rather spend time by myself. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/76 "2010-10-29T07:30:37Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > I’m 47. That’s a turnoff for many women. Makes you a great age for me, pity we’re in different continents 😛 In HS I just rejected all offers: I only had one from a dude I actually did like, but I had serious problems at home, he had serious problems at home, and I didn’t want to try and deal with his problems on top of mine. Back in college, apparently there were several cases of the guys at uni thinking I absolutely must have a guy back home, whereas the guys back home assumed I totally must have a dude at uni. During graduate school I had no shortage of dates. Post-gs nada; I’ve had dudes trying to paw me; I’ve had offers for one-nighters from dudes I’d barely met; I’ve had one asshole making me go to Paris for a job interview, then telling the clients I didn’t know how to do my job, then after verifying that I was not married and saying “ah yes, the best kind of consultant: no family, no friends, no ties” (excuse me, I do have a family and I do have friends) ask me to cook him breakfast, but I believe that qualifies as “harassment”, not “date” (I offered him two fried eggs - with chorizo [this with a look at his own]). Being 42 and unmarried, I’ve been asked whether I’m a lesbian (no) and “so why aren’t you married?” (do you want the short version or the long version?). I imagine that my moving constantly and lack of interest in growing a new social life in every single place where I drop my hat for a few months is a factor, but well, mostly it comes down to “dating sounds so tiresome!” ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/77 "2010-10-29T07:35:23Z")
> [@Buckler\_of\_Swashing](#): > > I’m socially awkward with everyone but my close, long-time friends. Check! > [@](#): > > I am mousy and a bit dorky. Definitely a bit dorky. > [@](#): > > I’ll speak my mind even if it means ending a relationship, ie: I won’t put up with crap just to gain or keep a boyfriend. You prefer to be honest? Same here. > [@](#): > > - this is one of those things where my experience on the Dope unfortunately doesn’t map onto my experience of the world. I see lots of guys here claiming to love tomboyish girls, but I rarely encounter any in real life. Really, being a tomboy doesn’t even register. So, how are you doing? ---
**Author:** ![Khaki\_Campbell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Khaki\_Campbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khaki_Campbell)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/78 "2010-10-29T07:58:52Z")
I’m a snarky, ailurophile, borderline-fascist bastard that, height-wise, falls two inches short of 6 ft. Not a chick magnet, therefore. ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/79 "2010-10-29T08:09:45Z")
Moody, insecure, early childhood issues, plus I don’t meet that many people I really like. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/80 "2010-10-29T08:21:04Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > A lot of people seem interested in me, but I’ve been partnered for 6 years now so obviously that’s why I’m not dating. > > While I have my good points when it comes to personality, I can be downright obnoxious. I’m very cynical, always negative, and ‘brutally honest’, which is to say ‘bluntly and humorously rude’. Add to that the fact that I like myself better than anyone else (although confidence often attracts people to you), and my near-total lack of emotion, it’s a wonder most men would be interested at all. I can’t flirt and I hate being touched by most people. I certainly would never have sex with anything I didn’t know well. > > But I’m quite conventionally attractive and it seems that’s what’s most important to many men. The fact that I often act like a socially disabled teenage boy doesn’t even seem to stick out. I have a pretty similar personality, though I don’t have problems with flirting, though generally in a teasing manner. I think not being very emotional is what makes it hard for guys to grasp the fact that I’m interested, but being effervescent just isn’t something that comes naturally no matter how much I like a guy…I’m too shy to be really overt, even though I know most guys don’t pick up subtle hints. sigh. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692.md?page=5)