# Why People Don't Want to Date You **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 28, 2010, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692 "2010-10-28T18:47:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/121 "2010-10-30T05:02:57Z")
> [@Maeglin](#): > > First of all, I think **Fried Dough Ho** is my long-lost older sister. I love having little brothers. Consider yourself officially adopted! šŸ˜‰ ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/122 "2010-10-30T05:06:41Z")
> [@Maeglin](#): > > Iā€™m just very introverted without being shy. I like to relate to others in one-on-one settings and not in groups. I know I am a bit off, but in general, it has served me well in life. I am in no hurry to treat myself back into normalcy. It seems like you might be a ā€œhighly sensitive personā€, which with the introversion can sound like Aspergerā€™s a little bit- it sounds like you get overstimulated. Itā€™s a genetic trait, so not really a treatable thing, but itā€™s good to learn coping mechanisms to compensate for it when necessary, which is a lot better than getting all stressed out. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/123 "2010-10-30T05:13:03Z")
Fat, nerdy, not much money, yet most of my friends are utterly astounded how easily I find dates. I go out alot, ex gfā€™s from years ago seem to pop up every 6-8 months, beautiful women hit on me all the time, and I always try to have fun. I dont want more kids, my existing kids and kid situation is awesome. If anything, women see my 12 y/o twin boys and start thinking ā€œI want kids that cute, maybe just one moreā€ Being able to hold a coherent conversation helps alot, I also have zero issue letting those ladies know what I would like. Doesent mean I expect their clothes to fall off on a first date, but men walk a fine line between perv and putting the pussy on a pedestal. My history has taught me that being closer to the perv side seems to get much better results. Ladies who wonā€™t sleep with someone unless they have known them for several months here is your challenge. You are asking for months of time, effort, and money for a maybe. In my experiences (ymmv) women who wanted extensive courtships were less likely to stick with me. I want a woman who looks at me like I am an ice cream sandwich made of two of her favorite kind of cookies with her favorite kind of ice cream in the middle, and she is hungry. It happens to me all the time, so why sit around saying no to someone who wants me while someone else has to spend 3 months figuring it out. This is my personal bit of bad boy, and even though I am otherwise a pretty nice guy, I know that women who are not as affectionate and desiring of physical intimacy as me, will not end up with a happy ending. ---
**Author:** ![InterestedObserver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@InterestedObserver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InterestedObserver)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/124 "2010-10-30T05:28:19Z")
Well, I havenā€™t been asked or even almost asked in a while (I think it was this time last year when some very sweet, attractive infant at a party chatted me up for a hour ā€¦I mean, he didnā€™t even know what VINYL was :pā€¦and he made it clear he wanted to see me again, but I ended up having to pour my friend into the car and drive her home before we got to anything firm.) I donā€™t get out much, except to campus/class or the grocery store. One guy at the gas station flirts with me a lot, but has never asked me out. I think he just likes my tits. šŸ˜‰ And at 44, Iā€™m a bit old for most of my classmates, even IF many of them assume Iā€™m much younger. As a widow (2.5. yrs ago or so) maybe it is that I have, up until pretty recently, sent out pretty strong vibes discouraging overtures. And of course, if I happen to be in a situation where people KNOW that aspect of my life, it gets around the group and seems to act like shark repellant on single men. They circle and eye me but never bite. I tend to gets lots of looks and casual flirtation but no actual propositions (wait, I tell a lieā€¦several months ago an older guy on the street on campus asked me to go to his hotel room with himā€¦hmmm, wow, I was tempted, butā€¦HELL NO! :rolleyes:) Iā€™ve got kids (thoā€™ one is 18 and technically no longer a kidā€¦but he, like my 11 yr old, lives at home, since heā€™s a college student). In other words, Iā€™ve got more baggage than the Rolling Stones on tour. Iā€™ve been told Iā€™m very/too ā€œopinionatedā€, and I am. I donā€™t play games or play dumb or withhold an opinion if it comes up just to get along. And yeah, Iā€™m smart. Some men seem to find that threatening or annoying or something. Sā€™okā€¦I donā€™t want those kind of men anyway. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/125 "2010-10-30T05:32:00Z")
For me the reason I see why some women are turned off from dating me at my age is because, Iā€™m an ok looking male in my late 30ā€™s who doesnā€™t live NYC and doesnā€™t own a car. I really donā€™ t need a car at this point in my life. I live 15 minutes aways from work, food and entertainment is 10 minutes away, I can walk to the capital of my country in 40 minutes, etcā€¦ But if any women near my age finds out I donā€™t have a car, Iā€™m suddenly a potential violent freak with a DUI record. I guess Iā€™ll be buying one next yearā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/126 "2010-10-30T05:32:52Z")
> [@kimera](#): > > Iā€™m a vegetarian and I want kids. According to several people online and off, both of those are huge deal breakers. I can get the kids thing, I wouldnā€™t want to date someone who didnā€™t want them, but the vegetarian thing is just odd to me. Speaking as someone who has both dated a vegetarian (before I met my wife, obviously) and knows vegetarians, I can tell you in my case the reason dating a vegetarian is an issue (when youā€™re an omnivore like most people in Western society) is because something as simple as going out for something to eat together becomes a monumental pain in the ass. You know that Weird Al song _Trapped In The Drive-Through_, where a couple canā€™t work out what to get for dinner and it ends up taking forever and no-oneā€™s happy with the end result? Itā€™s like that, every single time. The restaurant you want to go to (and can afford) doesnā€™t have [enough] ā€œVegetarian-friendlyā€ options. The restaurant they want to go to is either outrageously expensive ($25 salads!), doesnā€™t serve food you like, or is the same place you always have to eat at because itā€™s the only one with ā€œapprovedā€ foods. Also- and Iā€™m speaking from personal experience here rather than ā€œI decree this to be an absolute truthā€- non-religious vegetarians do seem to be somewhat New-Age/Lefty, which is a red-flag for a lot of ā€œmainstreamā€ people. ---
**Author:** ![InterestedObserver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@InterestedObserver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InterestedObserver)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/127 "2010-10-30T06:00:42Z")
Just to chime in on the vegetarian issue, Iā€™ve been one for 15 yrs or so and my late spouse wasnā€™t. It was really never an issue for usā€¦he enjoyed my cooking (of course, I didnā€™t make things like tofu eggplant casserole, but things like enchilada, spagetti, burritos) and ate meat when we ate out. Never was an issue over where to eatā€¦even at a steak house, I could get a salad and a baked potato. And even at the places with good veggie options (be it Chinese, Mexican, Italian, whatever) he could get his hunk oā€™ seared flesh or some variation thereof. Only a very few places I can think of which couldnā€™t satify both of us. Neither of us ever made it an issueā€¦I didnā€™t care if he ate meat, I just refused to cook it (like cigarette smoke to a non-smoker, it STINKS!) I never made rude comments about his diet or tried to convert him. That, imo, is an entirely separate issue from differing dietary preferences. ---
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/128 "2010-10-30T06:09:19Z")
Iā€™m not certain, but I think it has to do with not being a ā€˜hotā€™ girl, and not wearing makeup. Iā€™ve been told that guys like their women more done up than I am. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/129 "2010-10-30T06:10:03Z")
> [@InterestedObserver](#): > > Just to chime in on the vegetarian issue, Iā€™ve been one for 15 yrs or so and my late spouse wasnā€™t. > > It was really never an issue for usā€¦he enjoyed my cooking (of course, I didnā€™t make things like tofu eggplant casserole, but things like enchilada, spagetti, burritos) and ate meat when we ate out. > > Never was an issue over where to eat..even at a steak house, I could get a salad and a baked potato. And even at the places with good veggie options (be it Chinese, Mexican, Italian, whatever) he could get his hunk oā€™ seared flesh or some variation thereof. Only a very few places I can think of which couldnā€™t satify both of us. > > Neither of us ever made it an issueā€¦I didnā€™t care if he ate meat, I just refused to cook it (like cigarette smoke to a non-smoker, it STINKS!) I never made rude comments about his diet or tried to convert him. That, imo, is an entirely separate issue from differing dietary preferences. I think my new signature says it all, really. šŸ˜› (Not aimed at you, personally, **InterestedObserver** ; just a general leitmotif on the boards. ;)) ---
**Author:** ![palacheck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a88e57/32.png) [@palacheck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palacheck)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/130 "2010-10-30T07:15:54Z")
Thereā€™s more stealth-bragging in this thread than in the stealth-bragging thread. Anyway, most women were sometimes put off by how much I talked. When I was a kid everyone called me Ducks because with me it was always quack quack quackā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/131 "2010-10-30T08:03:13Z")
> [@palacheck](#): > > Thereā€™s more stealth-bragging in this thread than in the stealth-bragging thread. Sneak bragging! Sneak! ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/132 "2010-10-30T08:23:04Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > Iā€™m not certain, but I think it has to do with not being a ā€˜hotā€™ girl, and not wearing makeup. Iā€™ve been told that guys like their women more done up than I am. Perfume makes me sneeze. Besides, I like ladies _au naturel_. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/133 "2010-10-30T08:59:05Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > Iā€™m not certain, but I think it has to do with not being a ā€˜hotā€™ girl, and not wearing makeup. Iā€™ve been told that guys like their women more done up than I am. Too much make-up makes you\* look like a whore. A little bit here and there to _accentuate_ features, not to put on an entirely new face. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/134 "2010-10-30T09:00:24Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > Too much make-up makes you\* look like a whore. A little bit here and there to _accentuate_ features, not to put on an entirely new face. Gah, you had to go and edit. ---
**Author:** ![StuffLikeThatThere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@StuffLikeThatThere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StuffLikeThatThere)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/135 "2010-10-30T12:09:34Z")
Iā€™m married, but when I was single, I didnā€™t get a lot of male interest. I think there were several things going on. 1. Iā€™m fat, and I canā€™t stop worrying about it. This makes me less than supremely confident. 2. My male cousin told me that I intimidated guys because I was ā€œtoo smart.ā€ Iā€™m smart in a certain way (for example, I always did very well in school and _killed_ on standardized testing), but I am not Stephen Hawking over here, and in retrospect, I think what he really meant was that I was too opinionated. 3. I was a virgin until my wedding night, on purpose. So I was a kind of fat, argumentative chick who wouldnā€™t put out. Charming. šŸ™‚ ETA: Left something weird in there. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/136 "2010-10-30T12:20:00Z")
Iā€™m married now and donā€™t date any more. When I did, the only complaint I ever got was that I refused to commit as quickly as some women would have liked. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/137 "2010-10-30T12:39:34Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > It seems like you might be a ā€œhighly sensitive personā€, which with the introversion can sound like Aspergerā€™s a little bit- it sounds like you get overstimulated. Itā€™s a genetic trait, so not really a treatable thing, but itā€™s good to learn coping mechanisms to compensate for it when necessary, which is a lot better than getting all stressed out. Yes. My coping mechanisms are usually pretty simple: donā€™t place myself in situations where I suspect I will be overstimulated, and if I do, have a good plan to leave early. I tend to avoid loud noise, bright lights, and crowds of people, in other words, many activities that people think are ā€œfun.ā€ ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/138 "2010-10-30T14:23:20Z")
Iā€™m just too goodlooking, most women think that that theyā€™re never going to have a chance of going out with me so they donā€™t try. God these drugs are good. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/139 "2010-10-30T14:44:04Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > Iā€™m not certain, but I think it has to do with not being a ā€˜hotā€™ girl, and not wearing makeup. Iā€™ve been told that guys like their women more done up than I am. Pfft. The guys in your life are idiots. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692/140 "2010-10-30T15:25:59Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > For me the reason I see why some women are turned off from dating me at my age is because, Iā€™m an ok looking male in my late 30ā€™s who doesnā€™t live NYC and doesnā€™t own a car. > > I really donā€™ t need a car at this point in my life. I live 15 minutes aways from work, food and entertainment is 10 minutes away, I can walk to the capital of my country in 40 minutes, etcā€¦ > > But if any women near my age finds out I donā€™t have a car, Iā€™m suddenly a potential violent freak with a DUI record. > > I guess Iā€™ll be buying one next yearā€¦ It sounds like you have a great plan in place for just you. But what about picking her up for a date? When the weather is rough? My boyfriendā€™s mom actually wonā€™t date someone without a car - often because itā€™s indicative of greater money problems. Not your case, but you get lumped in with the rest Iā€™m sure! Not having a car works for you, itā€™s not really conducive to dating. Donā€™t buy something fancy, just get a used Honda or Toyota, something that will last awhile, and get the minimum insurance if youā€™re not going to be driving much. > [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > Speaking as someone who has both dated a vegetarian (before I met my wife, obviously) and knows vegetarians, I can tell you in my case the reason dating a vegetarian is an issue (when youā€™re an omnivore like most people in Western society) is because something as simple as going out for something to eat together becomes a monumental pain in the ass. I concur. Unless youā€™re Indian and can whip up vegetarian entrees at the drop of a hat, itā€™s a major pain. My SO was a vegetarian when we met (of 10 years) and it was a huge pain in the ass. We ate out every single night for 8 months. He was a student with a mealplan at that point, and we would go to specific campus eateries because of their ā€œvegetarian optionsā€. Anytime we were hungry we couldnā€™t just ā€œwhip something upā€, we had to go out and selctively pick something he could eat. Sure, all vegetarians ā€œfeelā€ they can ā€œeat anythingā€ and donā€™t want to make a fuss at a restaurant, but you have to seek out quality options if theyā€™re committed to their health. Our dates were not typical - with all of my other boyfriends, the few weeks of dating revolved around eating out at restaurants. Our first few dates were movies, pizza (plain), and drinks. He no doubt crafted that. > [@InterestedObserver](#): > > Neither of us ever made it an issueā€¦I didnā€™t care if he ate meat, I just refused to cook it (like cigarette smoke to a non-smoker, it STINKS!) I never made rude comments about his diet or tried to convert him. That, imo, is an entirely separate issue from differing dietary preferences. The smell of meat wonā€™t give you cancer, unlike secondhand smoke. Anyways, you were the one doing the cooking. If youā€™re the vegetarian and donā€™t cook (not your case, just saying), then itā€™s your problem. You have to be willing to 1) learn to cook 2) become an omnivore 3) set aside a huge chunk of change to order in every night or eat eggs every night. My SO chose option #2. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-people-dont-want-to-date-you/558692.md?page=8)