# Why should you be given a berth aboard the space ark? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2005, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786 "2005-09-21T22:24:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/1 "2005-09-21T22:24:08Z")
Let’s say that, throughout sci-fi means you care to postulate, we discover with absolute certainty that the Sun is going to go nova in one year. (Yes, I know stars of Sol’s type don’t go nova. Play along.) Let us also say that through different sci-fi means I, ersonally, have discovered an earth-type planet, conveniently uninhabited by sapient beings and ripe for colonization, around, say Alpha Centauri, and also possess an FTL drive capable of propelling a ship there in a reasonable period of time–one year, say. (We won’t worry about relativistic effects; it’s not like we’re coming back). But in the time remaining, Earth can only build enough ships to transport one million people (along with supplies, livestock, et cetera). Finally let us assume that I, Maxie, am in command of this fleet. I have both the will and the power to enforce my edicts. I and my colleagues have a lunar base, beyond the reach of any technological power on Earth, so there’s no question of President Bush or Putin or anyone else interfering; and my colleagues are all as loyal to me as Cubs fans, so there’s no thought or hope of a mutiny. The first 800,000 berths go to families with young children. The next hundred K spots go to engineers, physicians, farmers, teachers, et cetera, persons possessing skills that will be clearly needed on Tellus Secunds. I and my staff are choosing the spots, and we make sure to keep the first two groups ethnically mixed. We’ve a hundred thousand spots left to fill. We screen propective ark passengers for genetic defects, STDs and other diseases, and so forth. You come up green on all counts. Persuade me to give you a spot. ---
**Author:** ![cher3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cher3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cher3)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/2 "2005-09-21T22:40:04Z")
I know the secrets of properly sanitizing a telephone. ---
**Author:** ![Erinaceus\_europaeus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e47774/32.png) [@Erinaceus\_europaeus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Erinaceus_europaeus)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/3 "2005-09-21T22:48:33Z")
Let me on and I’ll do… well basically anything (I don’t want to die just yet). Besides, just starting a whole new planets worth of civilisation sounds like a lot of fun. I don’t mind getting dirty, I’m pretty smart with mechanics, I’m a good cook and I’m a professional computer programmer, so I’m pretty sure you’d need me 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/4 "2005-09-21T22:56:36Z")
> [@cher3](#): > > I know the secrets of properly sanitizing a telephone. I said, ‘the sun is going nova,’ not ‘the earth is being attacked by a giant mutant star goat.’ We can take it as a given that Douglas Adams would’ve gotten aboard, though. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/5 "2005-09-21T23:08:53Z")
Not only will I give you and the Physicists the formula for transparent aluminum, but I’ll also give each of you a shiny gold star. 🙂 Now can I come? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/6 "2005-09-21T23:11:12Z")
I know how to fold the space-map. I’ve got the only key to the restroom. I know a guy in Alpha Centauri that’ll validate parking. My breath is minty clean. I’ll take the night shift. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/7 "2005-09-21T23:13:33Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > I know how to fold the space-map. > I’ve got the only key to the restroom. > I know a guy in Alpha Centauri that’ll validate parking. > My breath is minty clean. > I’ll take the night shift. 😃 Okay, Czarcasm’s in. 99,999 spots to go. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/8 "2005-09-21T23:24:15Z")
Well, I might get in under the “teacher” provision, since I have 4 Teaching Credentials, but just to be sure, I’ll mention that I brew multiple-award winning beer and mead, make a killer chili, and can belch the alphabet (in Greek!) I would also never subject **FC** to my sig line. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/9 "2005-09-21T23:31:36Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Well, I might get in under the “teacher” provision, since I have 4 Teaching Credentials, but just to be sure, I’ll mention that I brew multiple-award winning beer and mead, make a killer chili, and can belch the alphabet (in Greek!) > > I would also never subject **FC** to my sig line. Oh, that wouldn’t be a problem. Obviously one of the criteria for all male humans aboard the Ark would be that none would have penises bigger than mine. (Cf. my **So You’ve Conquered the Earth–Now What?** thread. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/10 "2005-09-21T23:34:03Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Well, I might get in under the “teacher” provision, since I have 4 Teaching Credentials, but just to be sure, I’ll mention that I brew multiple-award winning beer and mead, make a killer chili, and can belch the alphabet (in Greek!) > > I would also never subject **FC** to my sig line. The teacher provision wouldn’t help you; you’re going for one of the 99,999 open seats. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/11 "2005-09-21T23:39:19Z")
Then I’ll fall back on the beer, mead and chili talents. That and the fact that I am very generous with all three. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Epimetheus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c4cdca/32.png) [@Epimetheus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Epimetheus)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/12 "2005-09-21T23:55:40Z")
I make everybody else look _good_. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/13 "2005-09-22T00:08:45Z")
Why? Because of my unique skills! > [@](#): > > Qadgop the Mercotan slithered flatly around the after-bulge of the > tranship. One claw dug into the meters-thick armor of pure neutronium, > then another. Its terrible xmex-like snout locked on. Its zymolosely > polydactyl tongue crunched out, crashed down, rasped across. Slurp! > Slurp! At each abrasive stroke the groove in the tranship’s plating > deepened and Qadgop leered more fiercely. Fools! Did they think that > the airlessness of absolute space, the heatlessness of absolute zero, > the yieldlessness of absolute neutronium could stop QADGOP THE > MERCOTAN? And the stowaway, that human wench Cynthia, cowering in > helpless terror just beyond this thin and fragile wall… Sybly Whyte, Qadgop the Mercotan ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/14 "2005-09-22T00:23:51Z")
Someone has to take care of the cats. I also know how to butcher a pig and milk a cow. I’m pretty good with a garden (at least, the neighborhood birds think so). You are taking cats, aren’t you? If you’re not taking cats, I don’t want to go. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/15 "2005-09-22T00:40:47Z")
I can handle all the insuran…I mean, I make _really_ killer chili, am normally a vegetarian so I won’t eat your steak, am a fabulous cook even for omnivores, I’m dead-on balls accurate with a rifle, bow or boomerang (because I know the secret of throwing a boomerang in a straight line), I can build stuff to live in, stuff to sit on and beds to withstand the most vigorous sleepers. I can fix almost anything and most importantly, I am not left-handed. …and I have a bag of tootsie rolls. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/16 "2005-09-22T00:55:28Z")
Because I’m holding a Thermal Detonator!! ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/17 "2005-09-22T00:56:09Z")
> [@Snakescatlady](#): > > Someone has to take care of the cats. I also know how to butcher a pig and milk a cow. I’m pretty good with a garden (at least, the neighborhood birds think so). > > You are taking cats, aren’t you? If you’re not taking cats, I don’t want to go. Hmm…should I take cats? Let me think. My original plan was to allow pets of the dog & cat variety only, but I’m not sure that would present a large enough gene pool. So no purebreds: mutts only. Somebody might want to give some reasons we’ll need cats on tellus secundus. All passengers and cargo will be brought aboard by matter-energy transporter, which should allow me to scan for and destroy vermin (no rats on T.S) so they won’t have any work to do. Other reasons? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/18 "2005-09-22T00:57:22Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > I can handle all the insuran…I mean, I make _really_ killer chili, am normally a vegetarian so I won’t eat your steak, am a fabulous cook even for omnivores, I’m dead-on balls accurate with a rifle, bow or boomerang (because I know the secret of throwing a boomerang in a straight line), I can build stuff to live in, stuff to sit on and beds to withstand the most vigorous sleepers. I can fix almost anything and most importantly, I am not left-handed. > …and I have a bag of tootsie rolls. Add some tootsie POPS and you’re in. Tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tootsie pop and we’ll move you out of steerage. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/19 "2005-09-22T01:05:44Z")
> [@Fabulous Creature](#): > > Hmm…should I take cats? Let me think. > > My original plan was to allow pets of the dog & cat variety only, but I’m not sure that would present a large enough gene pool. So no purebreds: mutts only. > > Somebody might want to give some reasons we’ll need cats on tellus secundus. All passengers and cargo will be brought aboard by matter-energy transporter, which should allow me to scan for and destroy vermin (no rats on T.S) so they won’t have any work to do. Other reasons? Cats don’t need a reason. If there aren’t any cats, I’m taking my chili and beer and taking my chances with the nova! ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/20 "2005-09-22T01:12:26Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Cats don’t need a reason. If there aren’t any cats, I’m taking my chili and beer and taking my chances with the nova! I like your spunk. Get youur chili pot and be ready to beam up at 0900. The cats can have space i was alloting to the Etruscans. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786.md?page=2)