# Why should you be given a berth aboard the space ark? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2005, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786 "2005-09-21T22:24:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/41 "2005-09-22T08:54:43Z")
> [@Fabulous Creature](#): > > Wouldn’t I just fire the wave motion gun? But that’s no fun. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/42 "2005-09-22T08:58:46Z")
> [@Fabulous Creature](#): > > Oh, that wouldn’t be a problem. Obviously one of the criteria for all male humans aboard the Ark would be that none would have penises bigger than mine. (Cf. my **So You’ve Conquered the Earth–Now What?** thread. Oh well, that’s me out then. ☹ I’ll just have to get the best estimate I can of the date and time the Sun blows, and arrange to be on the night side at the time, just so I can experience _Inconstant Moon_ for real. That should be kinda cool, and I never expected to live for ever anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Large\_Marge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/50afbb/32.png) [@Large\_Marge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Large_Marge)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 9:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/43 "2005-09-22T09:27:05Z")
> [@betenoir](#): > > I give great head. > And I like guys who knit 🙂 . You just made me laugh so hard that my laptop fell off the bed. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/44 "2005-09-22T10:13:12Z")
Trained historian. Mac guy. Can conduct effective business writing seminars. Snappy dresser. Big brown eyes. Funny as hell. Friend to all cats. You need beta males with a strong play ethic to mellow the gene pool. Can play saxophone in zero gravity. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/45 "2005-09-22T12:14:22Z")
Why bring families, this does not make sense. Most should be women of various ages but young enough to bear children upon arival, and a load of sperm from the local sperm bank. All you need is a few men to drive the ship 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/46 "2005-09-22T12:17:03Z")
> [@Fabulous Creature](#): > > Add some tootsie POPS and you’re in. Tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tootsie pop and we’ll move you out of steerage. I know how to make reasonable facsimiles of Tootsie Pops. I made them for my husband the Christmas after he quit smoking. I’m a fairly good cook, and I can improvise from the ingredients that are on hand. I’m also good at fixing mechanical gadgets, even if I’ve never seen a particular kind before. It’s just a knack. When I was three, I could disassemble and reassemble a toy clock, and have it working fine when I was done. I know all sorts of crafts, and I’ve always been able to teach myself how to do things out of a book. Surely you’ll need people who can tat. I have genetic defects, but I’m spayed. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/47 "2005-09-22T12:18:17Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > Why bring families, this does not make sense. Most should be women of various ages but young enough to bear children upon arival, and a load of sperm from the local sperm bank. All you need is a few men to drive the ship 😉 If you’re using that reasoning, you don’t need ANY grown men. They’d get lost and refuse to pull over and ask directions. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/48 "2005-09-22T12:20:17Z")
I know at least 27 different ways to cook ramen noodles. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/49 "2005-09-22T12:46:52Z")
> [@betenoir](#): > > I give great head. > And I like guys who knit 🙂 . That’s the kind of initiatve, imagination, and suck-to-I mean _stick_-to-it-iveness we’ll need aboard the Ark. You shall be cruise director. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/50 "2005-09-22T12:48:45Z")
> [@Lynn Bodoni](#): > > If you’re using that reasoning, you don’t need ANY grown men. They’d get lost and refuse to pull over and ask directions. 😃 No, that’s why you don’t need any grown women… they’d still be nagging the men to pull over when there wasn’t anyone to ask directions from in the first place. :rolleyes: Just send pre-teen girls with the men. By the time they’re old enough to get knocked up, the men will have got the houses built, the drains dug, the fields planted, the water piped, and the rest of the essentials which you’d really rather have before embarking on childbirth on a virgin planet. :rolleyes: at the empty-headed chicks who seem to think the ship would be arriving at a good-to-go housing estate, with nothing to do but grunt out babies. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/51 "2005-09-22T12:48:55Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Oh well, that’s me out then. ☹ > > I’ll just have to get the best estimate I can of the date and time the Sun blows, and arrange to be on the night side at the time, just so I can experience _Inconstant Moon_ for real. That should be kinda cool, and I never expected to live for ever anyway. Persons who have read _Inconstant Moon_ and make appropriate references to it on conversation are likely to be allowed board despite inappropriately sized peniseseseseseses. You shall be Cheese Director (betenoir’s already cruise director). ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/52 "2005-09-22T12:51:06Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > Why bring families, this does not make sense. Most should be women of various ages but young enough to bear children upon arival, and a load of sperm from the local sperm bank. All you need is a few men to drive the ship 😉 Why on Earth are you criticizing the person who (a) has the only available space ark and (b) has a wave motion gun trained upon you? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/53 "2005-09-22T12:59:48Z")
> [@Beware of Doug](#): > > Trained historian. Mac guy. Can conduct effective business writing seminars. Snappy dresser. Big brown eyes. Funny as hell. Friend to all cats. You need beta males with a strong play ethic to mellow the gene pool. Can play saxophone in zero gravity. Bah! These talents are useless to me. (What, you think I’m gonna fly my FTL spaceship arond without artificial gravity?) But because I like Macs myself, and because of your wisdom in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=336157), you get a ticket. Bring your sax, but leave the seminar materials at home. You shall be in charge of Keeping-Our-Manic-Depressive-and-Let’s-Face-It-Basically-Asshole-Fleet-Admiral-from-Spacing-Innocent-Frenchmen-in-a-snit-by-playing-John-Coltrane. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/54 "2005-09-22T13:06:04Z")
> [@Fabulous Creature](#): > > Persons who have read _Inconstant Moon_ and make appropriate references to it on conversation are likely to be allowed board despite inappropriately sized peniseseseseseses. You shall be Cheese Director (betenoir’s already cruise director). Cheese Director? Cool. I’ll start the surveys right now. There’s no point arriving at Tellus Secundus with no, or inappropriate, cheese, I mean, Wensleydale will get you through times of no civilisation better than civilisation will get you through times of no Wensleydale. But there’s so much to do. All these bacterial and fungal cultures to collect and archive… Btw, may I congratulate you on your entirely apposite choice of the, ahem, _sesquipedalian_ plural form above? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/55 "2005-09-22T13:11:23Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Cheese Director? Cool. I’ll start the surveys right now. There’s no point arriving at Tellus Secundus with no, or inappropriate, cheese, I mean, Wensleydale will get you through times of no civilisation better than civilisation will get you through times of no Wensleydale. > > But there’s so much to do. All these bacterial and fungal cultures to collect and archive… Btw, may I congratulate you on your entirely apposite choice of the, ahem, _sesquipedalian_ plural form above? 😉 We’ve already got a suck-up director, dear. Just get to the cheese cataloging, and answer the question about Christine being a graceless trollop. Oh, and bring some grapefruit. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/56 "2005-09-22T13:24:04Z")
> [@Fabulous Creature](#): > > We’ve already got a suck-up director, dear. Just get to the cheese cataloging, and answer the question about Christine being a graceless trollop. Oh, and bring some grapefruit. I don’t do suck-up, but I did think it perspicacious of you to guess that when it’s _my_ penis you’re talking about, no less than six plural suffixes are in order. And I answered the Christine question hours ago. \*puts grapefruit on the shopping list, gets the motorbike and sidecar out, and whistles up the ever-patient dog. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/57 "2005-09-22T23:39:22Z")
> [@](#): > > Why on Earth are you criticizing the person who (a) has the only available space ark and (b) has a wave motion gun trained upon you? I have the only ignition key. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/58 "2005-09-22T23:48:10Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > I have the only ignition key. Silly rabbit. The ark’s voice controlled. That’s the key to my wife’s chastity belt. Wait… :smack: Okay, you’re in. Bastard. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/59 "2005-09-23T00:34:02Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Given your mad hull slithering skillz it sounds like you’re going to come along no matter what anyone says. Damn skippy I am! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/60 "2005-09-23T01:11:15Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > Damn skippy I am! 😃 Oh, **you’re** definitely getting a berth, Qadgop. I have uses for a being of your…talents. they’re evil uses, of course. pure uncompromising unblinking unlimited unspeakable evil. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786.md?page=4)