# Why should you be given a berth aboard the space ark? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2005, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786 "2005-09-21T22:24:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![PastAllReason](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f07891/32.png) [@PastAllReason](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastAllReason)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/61 "2005-09-23T02:52:34Z")
> [@Der Trihs](#): > Since you’re apparently a red shirt and all, I’d be willing to vote for you to be on board. It’d make everyone else oh so much safer. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![PastAllReason](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f07891/32.png) [@PastAllReason](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastAllReason)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/62 "2005-09-23T02:54:06Z")
> [@PastAllReason](#): > > Since you’re apparently a red shirt and all, I’d be willing to vote for you to be on board. It’d make everyone else oh so much safer. 🙂 All right, that comment was directed towards the poster \*\*Der Trihs \*\* who argued his/her case on page 1. ---
**Author:** ![TygerDralion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19adc/32.png) [@TygerDralion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TygerDralion)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/63 "2005-09-23T03:10:30Z")
Ummm… I’ll wash the windows. During the year of travel, you’ll need lots of window washings to keep a wonderful view from your voice-activated control bay. 🙂 I’ll also bring my ferrets so we’ll have somethings to run cables through the piping when the first royal wedding occurs! ~TygerD ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/64 "2005-09-23T03:13:08Z")
> [@TygerDralion](#): > > Ummm… I’ll wash the windows. During the year of travel, you’ll need lots of window washings to keep a wonderful view from your voice-activated control bay. 🙂 > > I’ll also bring my ferrets so we’ll have somethings to run cables through the piping when the first royal wedding occurs! > > ~TygerD I had not planned to have a ship’s ferret handler. But plans change as knowledge grows. Take this sigil of office and report to the beam-up point at 0800 hours. Bring peaches. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/65 "2005-09-23T04:07:13Z")
> [@Lynn Bodoni](#): > > I know how to make reasonable facsimiles of Tootsie Pops. I made them for my husband the Christmas after he quit smoking. I’m a fairly good cook, and I can improvise from the ingredients that are on hand. I’m also good at fixing mechanical gadgets, even if I’ve never seen a particular kind before. It’s just a knack. When I was three, I could disassemble and reassemble a toy clock, and have it working fine when I was done. > > I know all sorts of crafts, and I’ve always been able to teach myself how to do things out of a book. Surely you’ll need people who can tat. > > I have genetic defects, but I’m spayed. You’re in like Flynn, Lynn. Bring plenty of Tootsie Pop ingredients. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/66 "2005-09-23T04:09:46Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > The overwhelming majority of the passengers seem to be american so far. So much for cultural diversity. You obviously need a representant of the french culture, and I’m the only one around here. So, you have to take me along. Or else the secret of snail cooking and brain pan-frying will be lost forever. And what will you do when you’ll find out that the only edible source of protein widely available on Tellus Secundus is related to frogs, hmmm? > Besides, you’ll need someone to conduct the surrendering negociations when the Tau Cetians and their armada of plasma guns armed starships will turn their greedy eyes towards Tellus Secundus. Never shall we surrender to the Tau Cetians. Why, if every single member of my crew must die to protect me and my concubines, they shall do so and gladly. ::wanders off, idly twirling mind-control device:: ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/67 "2005-09-23T07:03:00Z")
I can quote vast tracts of… Monty Python from memory. I have the theoretical knowledge on how to brew hard cider. I can think around corners. I’ve read every Niven I’ve been able to find, and have read almost everything Heinlein published (I’m missing 2 short stories). I’ve never read a romance novel. I can sing “Kyle’s Mom is a Bitch” complete with Cartman voice during Kareoke. _starts packing bags, either to head to the ship, or to neaten up in the event of armageddon_ ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/68 "2005-09-23T08:19:51Z")
> [@PastAllReason](#): > > Since you’re apparently a red shirt and all, I’d be willing to vote for you to be on board. It’d make everyone else oh so much safer. 🙂 > > > [@](#): > > > > All right, that comment was directed towards the poster Der Trihs who argued his/her case on page 1. 1 : I’m a guy. 🙂 2 : Actually, I’m named after a character in the webcomic Schlock Mercenary. If I’m gonna be in character… So, **Fabulous Creature** ; how about a power armored space mercenary ? Any use for that ? ( I’m getting over the brain damage thing, reallly ! 😛 ) ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/69 "2005-09-23T08:33:51Z")
'k, the cheese is packed and ready to go [sup]\*[/sup]. Edible samples, freeze-dried culture, and a few live specimens that should be just about ready for uncorking when we get there. Also I’ve got my aunt-by-marriage’s pickled onion recipe, which would bring a smile to the face of a corpse. > [@clairobscur](#): > > the secret of snail cooking and brain pan-frying will be lost forever She says this as though it were a bad thing. 😕 No Swiss cheese, however. I just can’t bear the holier-than-thou attitude. ---
**Author:** ![Fromage\_A\_Trois](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fromage\_A\_Trois](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fromage_A_Trois)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/70 "2005-09-23T12:13:28Z")
> [@Lynn Bodoni](#): > > If you’re using that reasoning, you don’t need ANY grown men. They’d get lost and refuse to pull over and ask directions. You’d need one, to park the ark when you arrive. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/71 "2005-09-23T13:11:36Z")
> [@Tristan](#): > > I can quote vast tracts of… Monty Python from memory. So can everyone else [quote] I have the theoretical knowledge on how to brew hard cider. [quote] Only theoretical? > [@](#): > > I can think around corners. > [@](#): > > I’ve read every Niven I’ve been able to find, and have read almost everything Heinlein published (I’m missing 2 short stories). If youve got a copy of “Gulf,” you’re probably in. If you’ve got the oft-rumored, explicitly lesbian rewrite of _Friday_ , you’re definitely in. > [@](#): > > I can sing “Kyle’s Mom is a Bitch” complete with Cartman voice during Kareoke. > > _starts packing bags, either to head to the ship, or to neaten up in the event of armageddon_ Be at the beam-up point @ 800. Bring the books. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/72 "2005-09-23T13:47:54Z")
I am a magician. Ok. I know on the surface, you are saying, “So what?” Well, have you thought about what is going to happen when you are actually getting ready to leave our planet? There is obviously going to be a large majority (ok, everyone who is NOT going) of people that will try to stop you. You will want to be able to get away without everyone knowing you are leaving. I’m talking about the grandest illusion ever created… that of making your FTL ship vanish from the face of this earth in such a fashion, nobody who is left will even know you have left. I can make this happen. Plus, I have Mountain Dew. Can I come? ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/73 "2005-09-23T14:10:56Z")
You need to take me because I am the galaxy’s most effective Good Luck Charm. If you don’t take me, fine. But I refuse to take responsibility when… 1. Instead of random, friendly encounters along the way with gorgeous aliens who, in a remarkable stream of coincidences, happen to be both sexually compatible with humans AND hornier than mountain goats, you instead meet up with a hostile armada of horrible gelatinous things that lay toxic farts. 2. The main drive breaks down, and instead of your chief engineer performing last-minute, miracle repairs that save the Space Ark from certain doom, you drift powerlessly into a black hole and the remainder of the human race gets mooshed into cosmic pressboard. 3. You accidentally leave spacedock without peanut butter rations. (I’d be that guy who gets that funny feeling right before takeoff and demands some red-shirted peon ensign check the cargo bay to make sure we’re not forgetting something.) The value proposition is simple. Take me and you’ll live the life of Kirk, screwing beautiful aliens on a regular basis and having a grand old time on the way to our new planet. Leave me behind and you’ll live the life of Khan, stranded on some dead planet somewhere with a gaggle of brain-munching space worms (if you’re lucky). I trust I’ve made my case. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/74 "2005-09-23T14:21:39Z")
Nice try, **Thespos** , but they who read their Niven know better than to take people along in the hope that they will prove lucky charms. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/75 "2005-09-23T16:20:20Z")
> [@Dragwyr](#): > > I am a magician. > > Ok. I know on the surface, you are saying, “So what?” > > Well, have you thought about what is going to happen when you are actually getting ready to leave our planet? There is obviously going to be a large majority (ok, everyone who is NOT going) of people that will try to stop you. You will want to be able to get away without everyone knowing you are leaving. I’m talking about the grandest illusion ever created… that of making your FTL ship vanish from the face of this earth in such a fashion, nobody who is left will even know you have left. > > I can make this happen. > > Plus, I have Mountain Dew. > > Can I come? On the one had, you didn’t read the the earlier posts, which specified that I’m in my impregnable lunar fortress with my wave motion gun trained on earth and a battery of 1920s-style-death rays to repel any attacking earth vessels. On the other hand you have mountain dew, which I COMPLETELY forgot about and left off my cargo. So you can come. But no rabbits. Not even if they’re supposedly spayed. Bringing any rodents on board is punishable by…um…being spanked by Jodie Foster until she thinks you’ve matured. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/76 "2005-09-23T16:23:08Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Nice try, **Thespos** , but they who read their Niven know better than to take people along in the hope that they will prove lucky charms. :dubious: On the other hand he did remember to bring along Thespos. So he’s on board CONDITIONALLY, Malacandra, with the understanding that his quarters will double as an air lock, and should his keeper–oh, let’s just make it you, Cheese-man–feel he has outlived his usefulness he gets to breathe vacuum. Yep. Clearly I’m going for the role of EVIL savior of humanity. ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/77 "2005-09-23T16:41:38Z")
> [@Fabulous Creature](#): > > So he’s on board CONDITIONALLY, Malacandra, with the understanding that his quarters will double as an air lock, and should his keeper–oh, let’s just make it you, Cheese-man–feel he has outlived his usefulness he gets to breathe vacuum. You _could_ stick me in the airlock. But that would suck for both me and you. See, there’s this little wrinkle to the whole Good Luck Charm thing. Let’s just say there’s a direct correlation between my juju and my comfort level vis-a-vis accommodations. In short, stick me in the airlock and you’re likely to experience an invasion of nuclear salamanders or some such shit along the way. On the other hand, if you were to give me some nice quarters not too far from 10-Forward, I’m sure the journey will be quite pleasant for all concerned. I’m just sayin’ is all… ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/78 "2005-09-23T17:09:15Z")
> [@THespos](#): > > You _could_ stick me in the airlock. But that would suck for both me and you. > > See, there’s this little wrinkle to the whole Good Luck Charm thing. Let’s just say there’s a direct correlation between my juju and my comfort level vis-a-vis > accommodations. In short, stick me in the airlock and you’re likely to experience an invasion of nuclear salamanders or some such shit along the way. On the other hand, if you were to give me some nice quarters not too far from 10-Forward, I’m sure the journey will be quite pleasant for all concerned. > > I’m just sayin’ is all… I’m not sticking you in the airlock, dude. That would be stupid. I’m stipulating that there may be some truth to your good luck charm claim and gving you luxurious quarters that can nevertheless exposed to space at the touch of a button. (And since Malacandra will have the button, shouldn’t you be sucking up to him?) ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/79 "2005-09-23T17:09:57Z")
> [@Fabulous Creature](#): > > Obviously one of the criteria for all male humans aboard the Ark would be that none would have penises bigger than mine. Well I guess I’m staying. Unless the fact that I know how to run a movie projector will sway you. Are you taking copies of all the great films? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2005, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786/80 "2005-09-23T17:12:05Z")
> [@THespos](#): > > On the other hand, if you were to give me some nice quarters not too far from 10-Forward, I’m sure the journey will be quite pleasant for all concerned. > > I’m just sayin’ is all… 10-Forward? All right–first thing, Whoopi Goldberg is NOT GOING. Second, I think we’ve established that I’m an evil Savior of Humanity/Space Ark Commander. Why would I let you guys have booze? That’s a serious question, by the way, 'cause unless I get a good answer I’m bogarting all the liquor, 'cept on Family Guy marathon night (as FG is best watched in company and of course I’ll be wanting Southern Comfort.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-should-you-be-given-a-berth-aboard-the-space-ark/322786.md?page=5)