# Why the fuck don't you listen? ("Good Samaritans" who force help on me) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 1, 2017, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314 "2017-07-01T23:04:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/21 "2017-07-02T01:56:07Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > Yeah. Fighting jerkiness with jerkiness–that works. :rolleyes: Oh give me a break. I’ve never _actually_ said that. I’ve only thought it. I guess I should have made that more clear. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/22 "2017-07-02T01:58:57Z")
Let’s get a lawyer in here: If a “good” Samaritan keeps “helping” after assistance is refused, is it assault? ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/23 "2017-07-02T02:15:07Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Oh give me a break. I’ve never _actually_ said that. I’ve only thought it. I guess I should have made that more clear. I think you should say it right out loud and let people know where you stand (as it were). ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/24 "2017-07-02T02:28:51Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > Yeah. Fighting jerkiness with jerkiness–that works. :rolleyes: > [@ThelmaLou](#): > > I think you should say it right out loud and let people know where you stand (as it were). What’s the point? As you point out, responding to jerks in a jerky way doesn’t really accomplish much. It might feel good to think about and it makes for a decent joke when I tell it. Other than that, it only adds fuel to a shitty situation. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/25 "2017-07-02T02:35:16Z")
I think this all just boils down to folks not knowing how to treat disabled people. Seriously, I’d be for for schools adopting a program that puts children and disabled people together for at least one day. The kids could ask questions and the presenters would hopefully leave a lasting impression with them that would carry on with them into adulthood. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/26 "2017-07-02T02:40:30Z")
Well I don’t know, I think probably 100% of the people who want to help do it so they can feel good about themselves, but I don’t see this as a bad thing. Now me, I once ignored a fellow who was crawling up a flight of stairs and dragging his wheelchair behind him. Why? Long story. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/27 "2017-07-02T02:46:01Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > Well I don’t know, I think probably 100% of the people who want to help do it so they can feel good about themselves, but I don’t see this as a bad thing. No, not a bad thing at all. The bad thing is when that good feeling about themselves is the **sole** motivator for the help. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/28 "2017-07-02T02:52:06Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > I think this all just boils down to folks not knowing how to treat disabled people. > > Seriously, I’d be for for schools adopting a program that puts children and disabled people together for at least one day. The kids could ask questions and the presenters would hopefully leave a lasting impression with them that would carry on with them into adulthood. I agree with this. I personally know very few people with physical disability and none who use a wheelchair. And people, being unique, feel all kinds of ways about their disability. For every Ambivalid there’s a guy who expects help without asking. My inclination would be to ignore someone’s disability unless the person brought it up, but maybe that’s just as ignorant as “I don’t see color.” I always hold doors for people, regardless of their ability. I don’t even know how I would respond to an able-bodied person telling me to shut the door in their face. I would probably assume I had misunderstood. By the way, this happens to women a lot. People always assume we need help. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/29 "2017-07-02T02:56:46Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I always hold doors for people, regardless of their ability. I don’t even know how I would respond to an able-bodied person telling me to shut the door in their face. I’m confused. Why would anyone, able-bodied or otherwise, tell someone holding a door for them to shut it in their face? I sure hope that’s not what I have communicated to you. I _gladly_ accept doors being held for me, when it occurs as a function of common courtesy. I have never in my life told someone to shut a door they were already holding. ETA: shit, I went thru the door being held by the asshole who ignored me repeatedly telling him I didn’t want or need his help. By the time he was at the door and holding it for me, the interaction was basically over. I just communicated what I needed to communicate and then passed thru. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/30 "2017-07-02T03:02:29Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I’m confused. Why would anyone, able-bodied or otherwise, tell someone holding a door for them to shut it in their face? I sure hope that’s not what I have communicated to you. I _gladly_ accept doors being held for me, when it occurs as a function of common courtesy. I have never in my life told someone to shut a door they were already holding. Oh. I guess I misunderstood. So much of social graces really is just paying attention to what people want. I was just thinking of the trans thread and I think it generalizes pretty well. Consider the needs of the other person, especially when they’ve been directly communicated, and Bam. 90% of etiquette problems solved. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/31 "2017-07-02T03:03:01Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > For every Ambivalid there’s a guy who expects help without asking. The only expectation I have, and it’s more of a hope than expectation, is to be respected. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/32 "2017-07-02T03:06:12Z")
I don’t expect anyone in the general public to differentiate me from any other disabled person period. But when I make my wishes clear, irrespective of my level of disability, I want them to be respected. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/33 "2017-07-02T03:11:22Z")
Well if nothing else, your stories on this board have taught me a lot in how to interact with someone in a wheelchair - “ok to ask if they want help - not ok to force it on them”. I’ve passed that message on to quite a few other people because some people just don’t know. I think you’re right though that, when you say “no, thank you”, people just assume you’re being stoic and that you don’t really mean it. Also I think you have every right to be super pissed off at people who won’t listen to you - **No Means No**! ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/34 "2017-07-02T03:33:37Z")
I would actually consider it a bit of an integrity issue. These people imagine themselves saying they don’t want help when they really do. They see “no” as meaning “you don’t have to, but I appreciate it.” In my opinion, if people would learn to politely say what they mean, then this wouldn’t be an issue. No one would mistake your “no” as just being polite, since that would just not be something people do. I think we need to push the idea that “no means no” in every area of life. Not just for rape issues. As for your situation, I can agree with the jokes, or possibly just a polite “I told you that I wanted to do this myself.” I dunno. It’s not a situation I’ve really found myself in, as I can very easily hide my disability most of the time, and, when I can’t, then I really do need help. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/35 "2017-07-02T04:13:27Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > Now me, I once ignored a fellow who was crawling up a flight of stairs and dragging his wheelchair behind him. Why? Long story. If you ever have a chance to tell it here, I’d certainly listen. > [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I agree with this. I personally know very few people with physical disability and none who use a wheelchair. You mean other than me, right? 😃 We’ve met IRL once or twice haven’t we? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/36 "2017-07-02T04:26:55Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > In my opinion, if people would learn to politely say what they mean, then this wouldn’t be an issue. No one would mistake your “no” as just being polite, since that would just not be something people do. I think we need to push the idea that “no means no” in every area of life. Not just for rape issues. I think there is some truth to this. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/37 "2017-07-02T04:36:46Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > If you ever have a chance to tell it here, I’d certainly listen. > > You mean other than me, right? 😃 We’ve met IRL once or twice haven’t we? I think we met at least once! I guess I mean knowing someone well enough that it’s an intuitive concept for me. For example, I had so many gay friends & family friends growing up that I don’t have to think about how to deal with the issues associated with being gay. It’s just a part of my landscape, as is knowing all the ways people can be ignorant about sexuality. I don’t even think about it much anymore unless people are being ignorant. But I’ve seen some very awkward exchanges coming from people who clearly don’t understand queer sexuality, not necessary out of ill intent but lack of exposure. I feel with disability I’m likely to be on the ignorant side, but I always value threads like this and your input here because they help me understand those issues better. I do consider myself to have somewhat of a psychological disability, but it’s not something people can see. I suppose a great rule of thumb is not to assume anything. I’m not sure if being gay is a fantastic comparison to disability but it’s the best I got at midnight on a Saturday. In the very least they both tend to impact how someone is treated. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/38 "2017-07-02T05:20:08Z")
Hey, I’d give them kudos for asking, although they lose them and twice again for not listening to the answer. I imagine you’ve encountered more than once the people who do things for you without asking, in a way that’s actually a hindrance and may even be dangerous. When someone does that as I’m stowing my luggage overhead, said luggage goes from being completely under my control to whatthefuckwhoathatalmostfellonmyheadareyoufuckingNUTS? One advantage of being invisible to most men under 40 is that it happens a lot less often. There’s a lot of people who ask a lot of questions with no actual interest in the answer. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/39 "2017-07-02T05:25:06Z")
I’ve read women complain about this too with men. In one case, the man in question apparently actually caused a minor accident because he refused to believe the woman’s repeated assurances that she didn’t need help with what she was carrying. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2017, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314/40 "2017-07-02T05:43:23Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Hey, I’d give them kudos for asking, although they lose them and twice again for not listening to the answer. I imagine you’ve encountered more than once the people who do things for you without asking, in a way that’s actually a hindrance and may even be dangerous. When someone does that as I’m stowing my luggage overhead, said luggage goes from being completely under my control to whatthefuckwhoathatalmostfellonmyheadareyoufuckingNUTS? One advantage of being invisible to most men under 40 is that it happens a lot less often. > > There’s a lot of people who ask a lot of questions with no actual interest in the answer. Mmm hmm. This reminds me of one of the most fucked up examples of the sort of thing you mention. One day I stopped at a gas station to grab something to drink. Not needing gas, I parked my car on the side of the building itself, as opposed to next to a pump. As I was coming back to my car, I noticed a car full of, um, how do I put it, _grimy_, poor white guys who appeared to be around my age if not maybe a little older, driving thru the parking lot. I get to my car and get into the driver’s seat and begin to pull my chair into the back seat. After I folded the chair up and grabbed hold of one of the front “legs” of the chair (that’s how I pull it into the car), in my peripheral vision I see someone above me, just outside my car. It was the guy who had been in the passenger seat of the car full of white trash guys I had just seen. He was almost inside my fucking car, trying to put my fucking chair into the back seat!!! :eek: Who-the-fuck-does-this?! I yanked my chair out of his clutches and yelled, “GET THE FUCK BACK!! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!” I basically screamed this at the dude and he finally backed up. The way this guy reacted to my shock at him taking it upon himself to put my chair into my car is firmly imprinted in my permanent memory. It was priceless and telling. “Man, I was just trying to help, you better watch out! I’ll kick your fucking ass!” Wait, what? 2 seconds ago, you were trying to help out the disabled guy. :dubious: When he reacts negatively to some strange fuck taking it upon himself to just about climb inside his car, _without even asking_, you wanna beat him up?? Nice. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-the-fuck-dont-you-listen-good-samaritans-who-force-help-on-me/790314.md?page=3)