# Why We Won't Be Having Sex. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 19, 2008, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356 "2008-09-19T19:53:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2008, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/21 "2008-09-19T22:52:09Z")
Do not tell me, “I’ve been so horny, I’ve even considered paying a hooker. . . . . .but I called you instead.” :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2008, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/22 "2008-09-19T23:47:28Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > [Feministe](http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2008/09/19/how-not-to-get-it-on/#comment-203649) did a follow-up called How Not to Get it On that includes the gem: **Don’t tell me you know “this great little Italian place” and then take me to the Olive Garden.** That actually happened to me. Really. And in the middle of New Jersey, no less! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![stucco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e56c9b/32.png) [@stucco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stucco)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/23 "2008-09-20T00:14:54Z")
Don’t hit on me over IM. Your dorm room is on the same hall as mine. Don’t I at least deserve 20 steps??? ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/24 "2008-09-20T00:45:59Z")
Don’t tell me “It’s been so long since I had sex I’m not sure they even consider me a man anymore.” Now _I’ve_ stopped considering you. ---
**Author:** ![Giltathriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b38774/32.png) [@Giltathriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giltathriel)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/25 "2008-09-20T01:11:41Z")
Don’t tell me on a first date that you have an inflammation of the scrotum. Ew. Also, don’t precede that by complaining for 10 minutes about the ‘treehugger’ scientists that believe in global warming. ---
**Author:** ![Mahna\_Mahna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e47c2d/32.png) [@Mahna\_Mahna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahna_Mahna)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/26 "2008-09-20T01:28:00Z")
Inviting your obscenely drunk and totally obnoxious friend to join us on our first date. Or… even better… Telling me at the end of the first date that you already made plans to sleep at my house, because you’re too drunk to drive home and it would be too expensive to take a cab back. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/27 "2008-09-20T01:38:17Z")
> [@Cyn](#): > > Don’t tell me “It’s been so long since I had sex I’m not sure they even consider me a man anymore.” Now _I’ve_ stopped considering you. Better you find out then than during The Act Itself. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/28 "2008-09-20T01:57:02Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > That actually happened to me. Really. > > And in the middle of New Jersey, no less! :smack: Chris Noth took you to the Olive Garden ? Cheap bastard !!😛 I can’t imagine throwing my arm around a woman’s waist and proclaiming, " That’s My Girl ! " even if I’ve been with her for years. Smacks of proprietary attitudes. She’s not property. Cartooniverse ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/29 "2008-09-20T02:21:52Z")
> [@Cartooniverse](#): > > Chris Noth took you to the Olive Garden ? Cheap bastard !!😛 Hey, he only tried to take me to the Olive Garden. He didn’t succeed. He really did say “nice Italian place.” As he was pulling into the Olive Garden, I thought he was playing a joke on me. He wasn’t. I stammered something about not really liking the Olive Garden. He said, “Well, the only other place I know around here is Fridays…” I said “Great! Friday’s it is!” Had to have been the only time in my life I was ever excited about going to TGIFriday’s. And I can assure you, this is the only time this guy has been, or will ever be, mistaken for Chris Noth. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/30 "2008-09-20T02:42:08Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > If all I hear you saying is what scum you thought your exes were, what makes you think that I want to take a chance on becoming one of them? I should have listened when my ex did this before we got together. Now I know better and hear _“…and the minute we part, I’ll be badmouthing you at the end of this list!”_ > [@](#): > > If I can smell you before I get close to you–tobacco, pot, perfume, whatever–I won’t get close to you. Allergic to many perfumes, so that’s right out. Hate the taste of tobacco in a woman’s mouth, so no more of that. Anything else and I think “I wonder what I’m going to end up tasting. No thanks.” Putting me down, acting like you don’t really like me, disrespecting me, insulting me. Then maybe you want action but aren’t sure and want me to chase after you. (Yes, this has happened to me.) Nope. I deserve a lot better than that. ---
**Author:** ![Lyanthya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/aca169/32.png) [@Lyanthya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lyanthya)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/31 "2008-09-20T02:43:14Z")
Don’t ask me to recommend a restaurant, and when I suggest a lovely family-owned Italian place (NOT Olive Garden) ask the waiter if you can get something like you get at Red Lobster. On the same note, don’t come over to my house for homemade tacos and skip the homemade salsa in favour of ketchup. ---
**Author:** ![wfudan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/41988e/32.png) [@wfudan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wfudan)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/32 "2008-09-20T03:22:21Z")
> [@Susie\_Derkins](#): > > Mine: Don’t be a bad kisser. If you drool, stick your rigid tongue in my mouth and move it strictly clockwise, or suck my tongue so hard that the little flap underneath starts to give way, there’s no way I’m letting you get hold of my vagina. I stopped reading after this one, so my apologies if I’m being redundant, but… so. damn. true. I’m male, and thus am guilty of committing at least a few of the desperate moves listed here, but this one kills it every time. The “statue kisser” move is unbearable. So is the one where the lips are closed but the tongue is wiggled around. What am I supposed to do, suck it? Lick it back? Sorry, even in my most desperate state, I’m not going to suck on your floppy reptilian muscle while you sit there and act like it’s normal. Laugh, maybe. Continue? Not a chance. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/33 "2008-09-20T03:40:53Z")
> [@wfudan](#): > > I stopped reading after this one, so my apologies if I’m being redundant, but… Welcome to the SDMB. I see that you’re new here. Around here, it’s customary to read a whole thread before adding your post. Because you didn’t do that, I’m not going to have sex with you. ---
**Author:** ![Influential\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Influential\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Influential_Panda)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/34 "2008-09-20T03:46:09Z")
Bitch, I don’t care what you read in cosmo, it does not us on if we’ve already gotten into your pants seven times and you _still_ do some stupid move where you pull away and won’t kiss for more than six seconds. Yes, I timed it Yeah, seven times. I’m not a quick learner, and I loved that ass. ---
**Author:** ![tesseract](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bb73d2/32.png) [@tesseract](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tesseract)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/35 "2008-09-20T03:46:52Z")
Don’t call me (OK, it wasn’t really me) after I give you my business card and leave [this](http://www.network54.com/Forum/181413/thread/1221785611/last-1221861523/Pick+Up+Line) message. (Go down to the 18th post and click on the audio file.) I cannot seem to get the link to work when I go directly to youtube, therefore I have linked to the message board where this is embedded, which works for me. That is OK, right? ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/36 "2008-09-20T03:58:15Z")
> [@The OP's link](#): > > 1. Never, ever utter the word or attempt to motorboat. Ok, what’s this one mean? ---
**Author:** ![Susie\_Derkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Susie\_Derkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susie_Derkins)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/37 "2008-09-20T04:00:39Z")
> [@Sublight](#): > > Ok, what’s this one mean? [Motorboat.](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=motorboat) ---
**Author:** ![beanpod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a9adbd/32.png) [@beanpod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beanpod)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/38 "2008-09-20T04:06:58Z")
**tesseract** , that voicemail is just perfect. I haven’t even finished listening to it yet, and I’ve already decided that my favorite part is “I’m giving you an opportunity here.” Beautiful. ETA: I was wrong. “Here’s how it’s gonna work,” is soooo much better. ---
**Author:** ![wfudan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/41988e/32.png) [@wfudan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wfudan)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/39 "2008-09-20T04:09:01Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Welcome to the SDMB. I see that you’re new here. Around here, it’s customary to read a whole thread before adding your post. > > Because you didn’t do that, I’m not going to have sex with you. Damn, and I was sure that one would get you to bed. Forgive the 4-year lurker for jumping on an opportunity to criticize his ex. Anyway, it’s not you, it’s me… give me a little time to cool down, maybe we’re meant for each other. Even if we aren’t, let’s be friends… my mom really liked you. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2008, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356/40 "2008-09-20T04:38:13Z")
> [@Susie\_Derkins](#): > > [Motorboat.](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=motorboat) Huh. I’ve always referred to that as a ‘Bronski’. Anyway, I can’t believe the complete douchebaggery in the audio file **tesseract** linked to. I’m truly gobsmacked over some of the stuff that ass what saying, and how in love with himself he is. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-we-wont-be-having-sex/464356.md?page=3)