# Why would this person not want to give me her phone number? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2008, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948 "2008-02-17T02:37:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/41 "2008-02-18T19:01:28Z")
It’s a control issue. I do the same thing. With email, she can choose to ignore your email and she can decide on the spot about going out with you but answering the phone puts her on the spot right then. I find even voicemail to be stressful as it puts pressure on me to respond and maybe I don’t want to. Pus, if it goes sour, then there’s the risk of dealing with unwanted phone calls. Like others have said, if you like her, keep hanging out with her. When she’s made up her mind about you, she’ll give you the number. But it has to be on her terms. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/42 "2008-02-18T19:25:25Z")
[QUOTE=tremorviolet] Like others have said, if you like her, keep hanging out with her. When she’s made up her mind about you, she’ll give you the number. But it has to be on her terms. [/QUOTE] This sounds a lot like, “Keep hanging around me, and maybe I’ll go out with you!” If she really wanted to go out with you, she would have either given you her number, or she would have explained why she couldn’t. If she couldn’t explain just then, well, she has your e-mail address, right? But if it’s really that she can’t handle the pressure of retieving voicemails then you need to focus your energies in some other direction. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/43 "2008-02-20T05:05:57Z")
Update! I was on campus to get some stuff for a paper when we randomly ran into each other–quite a coincidence given that we don’t have class this week. We were both tired, so it was a little wonky, but she seemed comfortable. She asked how I enjoyed the evening, and I said I liked her friends. She said “Yeah, it’s crazy how we all hang out at the same places without even planning it.” She mentioned planning something with a mutual friend of ours, and how it was difficult because she doesn’t have a cell phone so she’s only contact-able by e-mail. We walked to buy some smokes, and I drove her home since it was on the way to a friend’s. She said that if she found time from work and homework this week, she’d enjoy a coffee with me. Assuming she’s completely honest, which I have no reason not to, this meeting seems to have answered my question. ---
**Author:** ![beanpod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a9adbd/32.png) [@beanpod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beanpod)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/44 "2008-02-20T18:51:23Z")
Oh good news then. Well, goes to show, the internet is often too cynical. (At least, the stuff I put on it.) Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/45 "2008-02-20T19:01:02Z")
I’m way off base, but I thought she meant, " The Nerve of that free car service! Asking for my number indeed. Well, that’s the last time I use them. Note to self: I simply must write a complaint letter to that boorish chauffuer’s manager. Being hit on while I’m gracing him with my presence is just not acceptable. And to think I was going to recommend him to all my friends who needed rides too…" ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/46 "2008-02-20T19:06:36Z")
Maybe she has a bad phone deal and she can’t use the minutes? ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/47 "2008-02-20T19:34:33Z")
[QUOTE=Speaker for the Dead] Yeah, she has a cell. Her taking out to check the time was what reminded me that I’d meant to get her number. [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Speaker for the Dead] She mentioned planning something with a mutual friend of ours, and how it was difficult because she doesn’t have a cell phone so she’s only contact-able by e-mail. [/QUOTE] :dubious: Something doesn’t make sense here. Wait. Is the “she” in the second quote Your Gal talking about Her Friend? Or is the “she” referring to Your Gal? I’m so confused. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/48 "2008-02-20T19:41:30Z")
[QUOTE=scout1222] :dubious: Something doesn’t make sense here. Wait. Is the “she” in the second quote Your Gal talking about Her Friend? Or is the “she” referring to Your Gal? I’m so confused. [/QUOTE] Sorry, I meant to address that. I saw her holding a cell phone, but that doesn’t mean it was hers. Even that night I thought “hey, that looks like ------'s phone.” I hadn’t seen her with one before or after, and I don’t think she’s brazen enough to lie that outright. It sounds really strange, I know. But I’m going to chalk it up to my mis-seeing or misinterpreting what I saw. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/49 "2008-02-20T19:50:25Z")
Man. Dating is a pain in the ass, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/50 "2008-02-20T20:13:31Z")
Tell me about it. But then again, this thread’s got more replies than 95% of those I’ve posted. At least I get to feel popular. ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/51 "2008-02-20T20:20:06Z")
I’m glad this one has a happy ending. I love happy endings. I was going to post that it could be something innocuous but I was a little overwhelmed by all those people who said it was weird. And since I’m a little weird, who was I to say? Next time, I’ll say. . . weird or not. ETA: **Speaker** , and now you have a two-page thread! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/52 "2008-02-20T20:36:46Z")
Hey, that’s almost kinda like what I said could be the answer! Either she’s geniune, or a really sneaky doper in disguise! And she’s initiated the next contact - ooh, nice. Best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/53 "2008-02-20T22:51:48Z")
I didn’t know people in modern society could exist without phones, even if it’s a cheezy Trac Fone that you pay for as you go. And wouldn’t you have a phone first, then internet? And if so why not just tell you that? Let’s have a look at the instant replay. You asked her…she said no. Was this with a hint of embarassment, disdain, what? Sorry, I’m still skeptical. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2008, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/54 "2008-02-20T23:54:36Z")
Thanks for the support and interest, guys! Like **lobotomyboy63** imagines, it’s probably not all peachy yet, but we’ll see. I’m enjoying it, so far, but it isn’t as though failure will break my heart–just the right balance! ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2008, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/55 "2008-02-23T00:08:50Z")
[QUOTE=lobotomyboy63] I didn’t know people in modern society could exist without phones, even if it’s a cheezy Trac Fone that you pay for as you go. [/QUOTE] I don’t have one, and have no intention of getting one. I love technology in general, have had broadband ever since it was available in my area (our house-buying criteria even included ‘proximity to telephone exchange’ to maximise speed), love my computer and am very good as an email correspondent…but I actively dislike mobile telephones, and more importantly the assumption that goes along with owning them - that you’re now supposed to be available anywhere, any time, for any reason. I also loathe SMS-speak. My husband has a mobile phone, but it’s pretty much an emergency-use only phone, and not a good one at that since we more often leave it behind at home. ---
**Author:** ![herownself](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8baadc/32.png) [@herownself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/herownself)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2008, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/56 "2008-02-23T01:36:09Z")
The not-awkward, I don’t want to (can’t, whatever) give out my phone number yet, answer to that question is: “No, but you could give me yours”. This indicates continued interest without violating personal boundaries. It’s also the answer to any and all requests for ‘your number’ at a bar, event, whatever. Then if any of them seemed interesting you can call. But mostly you can stuff them in your bag and forget them, without the usual hassle. ---
**Author:** ![Elret](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Elret](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elret)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2008, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/57 "2008-02-23T01:59:45Z")
I wonder whether she may have mentioned to you once that she doesn’t have a phone and you forgot or didn’t hear or whatever, so then when you asked for her number she thought it was a strange questions since she thought you already knew? ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2008, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/58 "2008-02-23T02:07:43Z")
[QUOTE=Bites When Provoked] I don’t have one, and have no intention of getting one. I love technology in general, have had broadband ever since it was available in my area (our house-buying criteria even included ‘proximity to telephone exchange’ to maximise speed), love my computer and am very good as an email correspondent…but I actively dislike mobile telephones, and more importantly the assumption that goes along with owning them - that you’re now supposed to be available anywhere, any time, for any reason. I also loathe SMS-speak. My husband has a mobile phone, but it’s pretty much an emergency-use only phone, and not a good one at that since we more often leave it behind at home. [/QUOTE] I meant I think it’s unusual not to have _any_ phone. My sister and her husband each have cell phones and they have no land line. And of course plenty of people have a land line but no cell. But to have neither…? ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2008, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/59 "2008-02-23T06:39:23Z")
Oh, gotcha. Yeah, I can’t see how that works, either. For a start, our land line is tied to our monitored security system and smoke detector, and I can’t imagine doing without that. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2008, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948/60 "2008-02-23T07:12:21Z")
From what you’ve described, these don’t sound like dates to me. You either offered or agreed to take her home and you went out for coffee afterwards. Thinking you were nice, she mentioned the play. You went, you had drinks afterwards. These are things people do with their friends. You haven’t mentioned if you’ve held hands, kissed, talked about dating, etc. It’s almost (from what you’ve described) like you’re thinking that you’re dating or hoping to date. She may be thinking that you’re a nice guy and you’re friends. Friends give each other rides to places. Friends go to plays together. Unlike a few of the more cynical people, I don’t think she’s using you. Perhaps there’s a misunderstanding of what the nature of your relationship is. Or maybe you are dating and I’ve missed (or you’ve left out) some of the more romantic things about your time together. I don’t know you (so I’m obviously not talking about you), but I’ve found that some guys will take any time spent together as a “casual date” when I’m not interested in anything other than being friends. It’s best to know right up front where you stand. If you’re not for sure, I’d ask “So do you have a boyfriend?” If she says no then I’d say “Would you like to go to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ sometime?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-this-person-not-want-to-give-me-her-phone-number/437948.md?page=4)