# Why would you get married? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 24, 2009, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273 "2009-04-24T22:18:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2009, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/61 "2009-04-26T19:56:56Z")
> [@Elysian](#): > > This is ridiculous, msmith. I hope you don’t actually believe this. I believe it. Actually, falling in the 35-45 age bracket, I probably still do act like a ‘sophomore’ (bizarre term, I still have to look these up) although with more watching TV. In fact I’m about to watch a 60 minute documentary about milk. I can’t imagine I would have done that aged 25. I have some points to raise wrt this thread but I am leaving them for a bit while more replies come in ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2009, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/62 "2009-04-26T19:59:21Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > I know of plenty of **happy long term** marriages, including my parents’ and my in-laws. I think lots of unhappy people assume that a “happy” marriage is usually a charade - in my experience, it isn’t. > > The divorce rate would seem to disagree with you. Are you sure about that? I thought statistics clearly indicated that most divorces occur early in the marriage. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/63 "2009-04-27T01:50:56Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > I think it’s great when two people find that someone they both want to spend the rest of their lives together with. Even better when they continue to want that over the years. I think it’s the exception rather than the rule though. Actually, in my circle divorce hasn’t been that prevalent. There have been no divorces at all in my entire extended family, for example. > [@](#): > > I wonder, statistically speaking, out of all the people on the planet, how many potential mariable partners are out there. Everyone says “oh he/she is ‘the one’” or “I knew it as soon as I met him/her.” That’s amazing that everyone’s “one” happens to be within a 100 mile radius when you are in your mid to late twenties or early thirties. I was in my mid 40s when I met my wife. Ed ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/64 "2009-04-27T02:29:15Z")
> [@Angry Lurker](#): > > Actually, falling in the 35-45 age bracket, I probably still do act like a ‘sophomore’ (bizarre term, I still have to look these up) _sophomore_ _n._ A student in the second year of study at a 4 year college or secondary school See also \*sophomoric \* \*adj. \*Exhibiting great immaturity and lack of judgment From my annecdotal experience, I have seen the entire gamut of relationships. - People who got married young to their high school/college sweetheart and lived hapily ever after (well…at least at this point) - People who married their sweetheart and then divorced a few years later - Mariiages where you are just like WTF? - Permenant bachelors / party girls - Long term unmarried relationships living together - People who married much older/younger partners - People who married at a statistically normal age and live statistically normal middle class lives - Guys who married strippers - People who routinely have long-term affairs - And even one guy who married his much younger stepsister The only conclusion I can draw is that 1) the grass is always greener for just about everyone and 2) you should be honest with yourself and your partner and do what is going to make you and your partner happiest, regardless of what other people think or what you think you are “supposed to do”. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/65 "2009-04-27T02:50:54Z")
Did you check out those statistic about length of marriage and divorce, though? ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/66 "2009-04-27T18:48:06Z")
Well, another refutation–married four years at this point. Advantages response: No religious obligations for either of us Negligible tax benefits Neither of us is making enough solo to be gold-dug. Disadvantages response: We have an open/polyamorous marriage–can go out on the town AND have a stable home life Paid less than $2k for 120 people to celebrate the wedding–bbq in the park She has her office, I have mine, and we have joint spaces–and we respect each other’s office privacy Commitment is supposed to be a bad thing? Frankly, I like not having to worry about finding/impressing a date to know I’ll have a snugglebuddy later that night. “Most”? Most couples I know who’ve divorced do so amicably enough or are evenly matched enough that the alimony burden is negligible, and child support is what it is and I can’t think of many people I respect who complain about paying it. I’m having more sex now than when we were on our freakin’ honeymoon. This, like commitment, isn’t so much a disadvantage, because ideally you’re marrying someone you like to “put up with”. Being married has been one of the more rewarding things in my life. From my perspective–I have a guaranteed shoulder to cry on, someone to get dinner with and share a movie or a car on a roller-coaster or a trip to wherever. I have my best friend in my house and sharing everything with me. I have a great sex partner who’s spent years learning my needs and wants, and vice versa. I have a fellow contributor to the biggest expenses in life–housing, children. What’s NOT to like? Frankly, you sound like you’re mis-focusing some existing bitterness with the opposite sex onto the idea of marriage in general. Look at it from my perspective–I have a woman who I find incredibly hot who helps pay the bills and I basically get to screw whenever I want. Basically, too, I agree with **msmith** –what makes you (and possibly any partners you might have) happy? Do that. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/67 "2009-04-27T19:25:32Z")
> [@j666](#): > > Did you check out those statistic about length of marriage and divorce, though? [Yes](http://www.usattorneylegalservices.com/divorce-statistics.html) \*43% of first marriages end within 15 years. The median duration of a marriage is 7.2 years. Red states have a divorce rate 27% higher than blue states. _(I found this interesting)._ 75% of all divorced people re-marry, half of them within three years. 65% of all second marriages fail. 80% of divorced men and 75% of women remarry whether or not they have children, most within 3 years. ONE in TWELVE couples will be heading for a divorce court after 24 months - more than double the figure for 7 years.\* ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/68 "2009-04-27T19:30:00Z")
> [@j666](#): > > Did you check out those statistic about length of marriage and divorce, though? In case he didn’t, from [here](http://www.divorcereform.org/rates.html#anchor168283) > [@](#): > > Census Bureau: Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2001 (Issued February 2005) reports that: Roughly 1 in 5 adults has ever > divorced; First marriages that end in divorce last about 8 years, on > average. [http://www.census.gov/prod/2005pubs/p70-97.pdf](http://www.census.gov/prod/2005pubs/p70-97.pdf) > > “Marriages are most susceptible to divorce in the early years of marriage. After 5 years, approximately10 % of marriages are expected to end in divorce - another 10 % (or 20 % cumulatively) are divorced by about the tenth year after marriage. However, the 30% level is not reached until about the 18th year after marriage while the 40% level is only approached by the 50th year after marriage.” On edit - different source, same basic message. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/69 "2009-04-27T19:50:25Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > On edit - different source, same basic message. Basically, the message I get is that over time, a lot of people get divorced and it takes some people longer than others to finally reach that point where they say “I can’t take this shit no more!” ---
**Author:** ![Washoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecae2f/32.png) [@Washoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Washoe)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2009, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/70 "2009-05-04T01:29:44Z")
> [@Scissorjack](#): > > A transvestite Elvis? Nice catch. 😃 No, unfortunately not. That would have been insufferably cool. Have you ever seen _Fools Rush In_? The Elvis in that movie was [our Elvis](http://www.ericlevonian.com/pharmacy/album/07.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2009, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/71 "2009-05-04T18:22:07Z")
Because it would cost several thousand dollars in legal fees to get all the rights we got from a $27 marriage license. That negligible amount of money bought us the right to decide each other’s medical care, hospital visitation, and make funereal arrangements. These rights are recognized and respected everywhere in the world, unlike some of the legal documents our gay friends have had drawn up to gain similar rights. And we’re able to have one family health insurance policy instead of two more expensive individual plans. Even if marriage has no emotional or social meaning to you, in and of itself, those protections have a definite logical advantage over 20 years of shacking up. But honestly, we got married because we wanted to be married. It was important to us for emotional (not religious) reasons. We _like_ being committed to one another legally as well as emotionally. There are downsides, sure. There are downsides and tradeoffs to _everything_ in life. If you have pets, you gotta feed 'em and clean up their shit and vacuum up their hair and all that. If you have a car to get you from place to place in air conditioned comfort, you gotta pay insurance and buy gas and replace the brakes and tires and all that. If you have a job to pay all your bills and put food on the table, you have to get up earlier than you want to some mornings, and wear clothes you maybe don’t feel like wearing that day, and put up coworkers you don’t necessarily like and all _that_. But pets and cars and jobs are overall worth it. So are spouses. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2009, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/72 "2009-05-04T19:22:50Z")
> [@Angry Lurker](#): > > Advantages: > > Possible religious obligations - > 1. if you are marrying for this reason you’re beyond help, so fair enough Just to correct what appears to be a misconception, those who practice their religion (as opposed to those who only profess it) tend, on average, to experience higher levels of marital satisfaction, as well as to divorce at lower rates ([cite](http://www.heritage.org/research/religion/bg1992.cfm#_ftnref6)) at least in the US. As for the rest - 2. Favourable tax treatment - _this has been covered fairly well._ 3. Excellent if you’re a gold-digger - _I am not sure what this means. My wife made much more than I did when we married, and for the first three or four years after that. Perhaps I should have thought of myself as a gold-digger._ Disadvantages: 1. Humans not pair maters. At best serially monogomous, and I doubt that - \*Depends, doesn’t it? My brother - thirty years. My younger sister - twenty-eight years. To be fair, my older sister is on her second marriage. My parents - sixty years in September. My uncle and aunt - fifty-nine years. My oldest cousin - either thirty eight or thirty nine, I can’t remember. Youngest cousin - twenty nine. Me? 18 days shy of twenty seven years. I am hoping to hold out till then.\* 1. Weddings almost always extremely expensive - _Methinks “almost always” is a bit of exaggeration. YYMV._ 2. Lose privacy - _Not sure what you mean. The great challenge is how to spend more time with the Lovely and Talented Mrs. **Shodan** , not issues related to too much time. Again, YMMV._ 3. Commitment - \*Did you mean to put this under Disadvantages? ISTM it should go under Advantages. \* 4. ENORMOUS cost when divorce occurs. Partner steals most of your money - _You misspelt “if”. And I don’t see how this is a disadvantage to both partners in a divorce._ 5. Sex disappears by almost everyone’s account - _Not in my experience. We had a thread about it recently - perhaps I can dig up a link if you are interested_. 6. Greater ‘obligation’ to put up with partner - _Again, not sure what you mean by this. If you just mean I am more committed now than with a casual dating partner, or someone I lived with, that would fall under the heading of Commitment, and therefore not (to me) a Disadvantage._ Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2009, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/73 "2009-05-04T19:35:23Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > And quite frankly, I’m much rather be single in my 40s hoping to find someone than married at any age wishing I were single. It is a lot easier to dump someone you no longer care for than to find someone who will care for you. ---
**Author:** ![Webner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/0ea827/32.png) [@Webner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Webner)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2009, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/74 "2009-05-04T21:16:30Z")
I don’t have a cite for this, but a professor once told our class that people who get married tend to have much more sex than people who remain single their entire lives. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/75 "2009-05-05T15:59:06Z")
[quote=“Angry Lurker, post:32, topic:494273”] Most of the reasons folk here are giving in support of marriage are actually reasons in favour of long term relationships. [QUOTE] So, are you also against long-term relationships? ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/76 "2009-05-05T16:02:04Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > [Yes](http://www.usattorneylegalservices.com/divorce-statistics.html) > > Red states have a divorce rate 27% higher than blue states. _(I found this interesting)._ > .\* Interesting, or a useful club with which to beat supposedly religious people over the head with? ---
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/77 "2009-05-05T20:16:27Z")
> [@JohnT](#): > > Will tell ya something… > > My wife and I were chatting on the phone the other day (I’m away on business) and the subject of divorce came up, specifically, whether it’s true that “50% (or whatever) of all marriages end up in divorce.” So I’m in Analytics Mode and I say something like “It might be true that 50% of all marriages end up in divorce, but that doesn’t mean that 50% of all married people end up divorced, for you have many cases where people are divorced multiple times.” > > So we’re talking a bit more and she asks why, imho, the divorce rate seems so high compared to, say, 1860 or sometime in the Distant Past. I reply, feeling smugly about My Smarts, that it’s probably a case of extended lifespans, that “'Til Death Do Us Part” meant a much shorter period where people lived an average of 50 years, as opposed to the current 75 or so. So the increased divorce rate is possibly a result of a pre-industrial societal norm straining against modern changes in lifespan. The increasing life expectancy is largely due to child mortality rates going down. Since so few children get married, one shouldn’t ascribe an increase in life expectancy to lead to an increase in marriages for any individual adult. > [@Hello\_Again](#): > > Anyway, the 50% number is wrong. It came about by someone noticing that in one particular year there were 2.4 million new marriages, and 1.2 million divorces. But there were 54 million _existing_ marriages as well which were ignored. And not all people are equally likely to divorce. The older you marry, and the more education you have, (and if it is your first marriage) the less likely you are to divorce, ever. That would only be true if it was quoted as 50% of marriages end in divorce _every year_. I’ve only ever heard it as an overall figure - marriages as a whole have a 50% chance of ending in divorce. Of course, the method is a little suspect - when you’re making a point about how divorce rates have changed over time, it’s a little silly to compare the current crop of marriages to the last crop’s divorces. As a fun exercise, if 50% of marriages did end in divorce every year, there would need to be as many weddings as existing marriages every year, and that same number of divorces. I don’t think anyone’s claiming that. ---
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/78 "2009-05-05T20:29:12Z")
> [@runcible\_spoon](#): > > The increasing life expectancy is largely due to child mortality rates going down. Since so few children get married, one shouldn’t \*\*ascribe \*\*an increase in life expectancy to lead to an increase in marriages for any individual adult. :smack: _Expect_, not ascribe. That’ll teach me to swap my clauses… ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/79 "2009-05-05T23:43:34Z")
> [@runcible\_spoon](#): > > I’ve only ever heard it as an overall figure - marriages as a whole have a 50% chance of ending in divorce. Of course, the method is a little suspect - when you’re making a point about how divorce rates have changed over time, it’s a little silly to compare the current crop of marriages to the last crop’s divorces. Either way, I’ve been hearing for some time that the divorce rate has been going down for several years now. It isn’t 50% any more, though it’s still over 40%. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2009, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273/80 "2009-05-06T13:58:49Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > Interesting, or a useful club with which to beat supposedly religious people over the head with? I don’t have any particular anti-religeon ax to grind. But yes, I would have thought that more conservative religeous types would be less likely to get divorced. There may be other factors though. Liberals may be less likely to get married out of a sense of religeous or cultural obligation (or at all for that matter) and are therefore maybe more likely to have lasting marriages. But that’'s pure conjecture on my part. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-get-married/494273.md?page=5)