# Why would you tell me that NOW?! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 13, 2011, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564 "2011-10-13T19:50:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/81 "2011-10-15T16:09:52Z")
It’s a different sort of thing, but at the time I became engaged, I had a relationship with neither of my parents, and had pretty much given up hope on them being present. In fact, I hadn’t spoken to my biological father in over 10 years. But we managed to repair our relationship shortly before the wedding and both he and my Mom looked forward to coming. The day of the wedding, maybe four hours before the ceremony, I get a call from my Dad that he’s not coming because his girlfriend doesn’t want to go (and he can’t drive.) I’m already in my dress. So, my soon-to-be-husband, the groom, drives the 2 hours to pick my father up to make sure he’s there. Meanwhile, my Mom wants someone to videotape the ceremony, my 28-year-old uncle volunteers to do it, which is remarkably considerate of him given our sibling-rivalry-like-history. Mom says no because she doesn’t trust my uncle, my uncle gets pissed and decides not to come, keeping his two children at home, and my younger aunt in solidarity with my uncle decides she’s not coming either, and neither are _her_ two kids. So, 8 very important family members did not show at the last minute. After the ceremony, my Mom suddenly announces she’s not going to sign the license until we hold hands and pray to Jesus to bless the marriage, which is interesting because both my husband and I are atheists and I went out of the way during my vows to incorporate my Buddhist beliefs. Then there’s the entertaining video of my grandmother and my mother glowering at one another as they engage in a silent battle for Mother of the Bride status. You should see Grandma swooping in for the kill during the cake-cutting ritual. In all honesty, it wasn’t a huge deal. There is no important event that has ever occurred in my family without some degree of drama. The only thing that really upset me was my Dad and aunt and uncle and cousins deciding not to come. And in retrospect, I’m _very_ sorry my uncle wasn’t there, because he died 2 years later. It was still the best day ever. ---
**Author:** ![kushiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbce88/32.png) [@kushiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kushiel)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/82 "2011-10-15T16:30:19Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > So off we go to the reception dinner and dance, and the food is pretty good and the beer bar is free and things are going along just fine. And then my daughter comes over to me and sits down and tells me that her new in-laws sent her over to ask me to help pay for the dinner! “How much are we talking here?” I asked. She says “Well, if you can swing $2000, they said that should cover it.” I told her as gently as I could that I had no intention of paying one dime to these people, since (a) money had never been mentioned prior to this, (b) they told me they were picking up the tab, and (c) what the fuck? > > Daughter starts crying, her new husband goes scurrying off, and we made excuses and left, furious. As we go out into the hallway, the new MIL comes running over: “Are you _leaving_!?” she asks, incredulously. Yes, I inform her. “But what about the bill for the reception!!” she shrieks. That would be _your_ problem. “But you said if we needed anything to ask you!” she wails. We turned and left without another word. > > So when something really serious happens to you, come back and tell us. I’m sorry dude, but that was a horrible move. Couldn’t you have told her we’ll arrange it in the morning since my chequebook is in the hotel room? I mean, it wasn’t your fault, but you could have said something different at the reception so your daughter didn’t cry on her wedding day. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/83 "2011-10-15T16:35:52Z")
> [@kushiel](#): > > I’m sorry dude, but that was a horrible move. Couldn’t you have told her we’ll arrange it in the morning since my chequebook is in the hotel room? I mean, it wasn’t your fault, but you could have said something different at the reception so your daughter didn’t cry on her wedding day. And you could also not have walked out on her wedding day for something that wasn’t even her fault. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/84 "2011-10-15T17:19:18Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > Similar to **ChefGuy** ’s story. Shortly before my son got married, he called to talk about wedding plans. He lives in Seattle, I’m in Iowa. He tells me “my share” of wedding expenses is $1,000. I’m sorta surprised (doesn’t the bride’s family pay?) and he knows I’m not flush, but I think okay, this is the kid who moved out right after high school and has never asked for anything. I’m also thinking $1,000 for a small wedding being held in the bride’s parents yard? Anyway, I take out a loan and send him the money. > > Fly to Seattle for the wedding, and son says both families are having dinner at a local restaurant. I’m there with my other two sons and my daughter. Bride’s family is there – bride, mom, dad, two sisters and their boyfriends. Waiter brings the check and son hands it to me. Bride’s parents are a UW prof and an accountant. They live in a family compound (think The Godfather) in the Seattle 'burbs. The bill is over $300. I’ve just shelled out $1K plus plane fare (and the bridesmaid’s dress my daughter wore). > > I put it on a credit card and wondered if there was some wedding etiguette lesson I’d never learned. Is the groom’s family supposed to host the bride’s family? I’m okay with that, but it would have been nice if son had told me in advance that I’d be paying. Tradition says that the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner. I don’t subscribe to that whole bankrupt yourself for the sake of a ritual that will, in all likelihood, end in divorce a few years down the road. For those who wish to criticize what took place at the reception dinner, it was not I who made my daughter cry by anything that I said to her. She was crying because these people put her in an untenable situation, and stated such to me at the time. I did my best to reassure her that she hadn’t done anything wrong. In my shortened version of events, I guess I indicated that we walked out immediately, which wasn’t the case. They waited until a couple of hours into the event before sending her over, and we waited another half-hour or so after the request to make our exit. It was unfortunate that we ran into the MIL in the hallway, but I have a feeling she was waiting in ambush in case we decided to leave. In any case, I’m done defending myself to people who weren’t there. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/85 "2011-10-15T17:35:39Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Oh dear girl, let me relate a story. My wife and I flew to MSP from Alaska for my daughter’s second wedding. All through the month’s long run-up to this, the groom’s parents insisted on paying for everything, as he is their only son. No problem for me, as I only pay for one wedding per daughter. I helped out with my daughter’s dress and bought them a nice wedding present, however. A couple of months before the event, I spoke briefly on the phone with my future FIL, who seemed like a nice guy, and as we were wrapping up the conversation I said, off-handedly, “if there’s anything we can help with, let me know”. > > So we pack up and fly down there, at no inconsiderable expense to us, and everything is jolly through the rehearsal dinner and all the flurry up to the wedding day, and the event goes off well. I was astonished at the number of people on the groom’s side of the aisle, which had to number 100 or so, compared to my side, which was about 10-15. I thought, boy they must have some money to feed all these people. > > So off we go to the reception dinner and dance, and the food is pretty good and the beer bar is free and things are going along just fine. And then my daughter comes over to me and sits down and tells me that her new in-laws sent her over to ask me to help pay for the dinner! “How much are we talking here?” I asked. She says “Well, if you can swing $2000, they said that should cover it.” I told her as gently as I could that I had no intention of paying one dime to these people, since (a) money had never been mentioned prior to this, (b) they told me they were picking up the tab, and (c) what the fuck? > > Daughter starts crying, her new husband goes scurrying off, and we made excuses and left, furious. As we go out into the hallway, the new MIL comes running over: “Are you _leaving_!?” she asks, incredulously. Yes, I inform her. “But what about the bill for the reception!!” she shrieks. That would be _your_ problem. “But you said if we needed anything to ask you!” she wails. We turned and left without another word. > > So when something really serious happens to you, come back and tell us. I now want to know everything that has happened relevant to this since that day. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/86 "2011-10-15T17:38:12Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Tradition says that the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner. I don’t subscribe to that whole bankrupt yourself for the sake of a ritual that will, in all likelihood, end in divorce a few years down the road. > > For those who wish to criticize what took place at the reception dinner, it was not I who made my daughter cry by anything that I said to her. She was crying because these people put her in an untenable situation, and stated such to me at the time. I did my best to reassure her that she hadn’t done anything wrong. In my shortened version of events, I guess I indicated that we walked out immediately, which wasn’t the case. They waited until a couple of hours into the event before sending her over, and we waited another half-hour or so after the request to make our exit. It was unfortunate that we ran into the MIL in the hallway, but I have a feeling she was waiting in ambush in case we decided to leave. In any case, I’m done defending myself to people who weren’t there. The only thing I’m not sure about is why you would leave early at all. Other than that, I’m totally with you. (FWIW which is nothing since who am I but anyway…) ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/87 "2011-10-15T17:45:18Z")
Jesus goddamn Christ. Reading this thread simply puts one thought into my mind: Weddings are retarded. My kids, I will advise them to simply elope. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/88 "2011-10-15T17:52:44Z")
I will never forget reading (maybe in a letter to an advice column? Cosmo magazine?) about a girl and her boyfriend who went on a camping trip way out into the middle of nowhere for a week. Required something like an 8 hour hike into the wilderness. After setting up the tent, starting a campfire, looking up at the stars, the boyfriend told the girl he was breaking up with her. And there she was, stuck with him for days after, not knowing how to even get back to civilization. Couldn’t he make the big announcement when they got back??? ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/89 "2011-10-15T18:13:32Z")
Oh, and the best part? He was flummoxed and upset that she didn’t want to spend the next few days having wistful, reminiscing breakup-up sex, a final farewell “because we had always had awesome, great sex, why not now, too?”…:eek: ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/90 "2011-10-15T18:48:17Z")
Sorry to bring it back to weddings, but my Mom, who I love very much, went through a “difficult time” around the time of my wedding. She had told me first of all a flat figure she was willing to contribute - I was happy with anything she could do so was grateful, my father said he would match it. Then a few weeks before the wedding, she cut it by a third. Oh well, we’re both working so it was fine, besides, she said she would pay for the limo and the hotel room for the wedding night. How wonderful! Until the actual reception, when just before she left, she told me she hadn’t actually booked the limo…was that a problem? Ummm…no…it wouldn’t have been, except we are supposed to leave in an hour and go to the hotel…which also was not booked. Fantastic. ETA ; My day was not ruined, it was still awesome and was only one small hiccup, but it fit the bill for someone choosing a REALLY bad time to tell you something. Only worse time? If we had actually been standing outside waiting for the car. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/91 "2011-10-15T19:42:19Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > Oh, and the best part? He was flummoxed and upset that she didn’t want to spend the next few days having wistful, reminiscing breakup-up sex, a final farewell “because we had always had awesome, great sex, why not now, too?”…:eek: Oh god, what a tool. I actually had a guy I was dating get physically rough with me while on vacation with a bunch of my friends, and I waited until we were home before I broke up with him, out of consideration for his feelings. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/92 "2011-10-15T22:44:48Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > I will never forget reading (maybe in a letter to an advice column? Cosmo magazine?) about a girl and her boyfriend who went on a camping trip way out into the middle of nowhere for a week. Required something like an 8 hour hike into the wilderness. After setting up the tent, starting a campfire, looking up at the stars, the boyfriend told the girl he was breaking up with her. And there she was, stuck with him for days after, not knowing how to even get back to civilization. Couldn’t he make the big announcement when they got back??? That goes across the line from douchebag behavior to actively abusive behavior. Isolating her somewhere like that and emotionally manipulating her and expecting sex? No way that’s even remotely right. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/93 "2011-10-15T22:54:45Z")
> [@tumbleddown](#): > > You know, it’s not even an issue of brides being special snowflakes. You just don’t blurt out _irrelevant_ bad news at someone in the midst of a special, positive occasion, or any occasion wherein someone’s emotional energy and personal concentration doesn’t need to be on _your_ issue. There was nothing the bride could do about the laptop, so she didn’t need to know, not then. It was _rude_ and insensitive. > > It was no more appropriate than complaining about your cat being at the vet in the middle of an important business meeting or talking about your hemorrhoids during family dinner. I disagree. It’s her mother. She has a _personal_ relationship with her. I simply do not believe that brides have the right to expect some kind of inviolable bubble of positivity. Bride and mom are bride and mom just like on every other day of their lives. This whole thing reeks of what really bugs me about a lot of modern weddings, that the ceremony is some kind of performance and that the couple (and maybe some other people, but particularly the bride) are performers who must be coddled and pampered so that nothing disturbs their state of mind and ruins their performances. It bugs me even more when it becomes even more obviously a performance and couples break out into cringingly saccharine personalization of their weddings, such as vows in which they tell us how their love is so much more better than everyone else’s. Gawd, I want to vomit. No, dammit, keep it simple and solemn. You’re not Luke and Laura (how’s that for a geezery reference?). Don’t showboat. A wedding is a social event and the people in attendance are as much part of it as the bride is. Otherwise, why even have them there? Sure, you don’t stand up in the middle of the ceremony and shout, “Someone stole my laptop!!” But before or after, when you’re by yourself with your daughter and nothing particularly ceremony-ish is going on? Hell, yeah, mention that you just came from your hotel room and it had been broken into. She’s your damn mother and her privacy, security, property, and personal space has been seriously violated. Expecting her to keep her mouth shut just because It’s! My! Special! Day! And! I! Must! Hear! Nothing! That! Implies! That! The! Entirety! Of! Existence! Has! Not! Stopped! To! Honor! Only! Me! is way too self-involved and self-indulgent for an adult human being. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/94 "2011-10-15T23:04:50Z")
1. The limo ride to the ceremony is, in fact, “ceremony-ish”. 2. The laptop theft happened two days prior so it’s not like Mom just found out. 3. I think this thread is attracting a lot of people that just hate the idea of weddings in general. Which is fine, but doesn’t make the mom’s admittedly minor faux pas any less faux pas-ish. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/95 "2011-10-15T23:05:11Z")
**Acsenray** , it wasn’t her mother. It was her stepmother. Please read before you rant. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/96 "2011-10-15T23:12:00Z")
1. Perhaps **Soylent** was thinking about the commitment she was about to make, not about your alleged “performance”. Is that the best time to talk about stolen laptops? 2. I think people are also conflating the issue of SM telling her the laptop was stolen at all with the issue of SM telling her **in the limo on the way to the ceremony**. The OP is not the one who spoke of SM “keeping her mouth shut”, nor did she claim it was a gravely serious offense. Sounded to me like she was just looking for anecdotes. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/97 "2011-10-15T23:21:13Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > 1. The limo ride to the ceremony is, in fact, “ceremony-ish”. No, it’s not. Is there an officiant? Is there a formalized exchange that being witnessed by a gathering of people? Whatever is said inside the limo is no different from any other private conversation. > [@](#): > > 1. The laptop theft happened two days prior so it’s not like Mom just found out. Doesn’t really matter so far as I’m concerned. It was on her mind. > [@](#): > > 1. I think this thread is attracting a lot of people that just hate the idea of weddings in general. Which is fine, but doesn’t make the mom’s admittedly minor faux pas any less faux pas-ish. I love the idea of weddings in general. I hate the idea of certain kinds of weddings, ones in which there is a suggestion that we all ought to behave as if we’re acting out a fantasy. A wedding is a party with friends and family and a public demonstration of a certain kind of commitment. (The other big thing I hate at weddings is drunkenness, but that’s a different issue.) It’s not a fairy tale and it’s not a dream, and people shouldn’t be expected to behave as if it is. What I hate is prima donna, diva expectations – “How could you say that to _me_, on _my day_. I don’t want to hear that your puppy died this morning—It’s my _wedding_!” > [@SnakesCatLady](#): > > **Acsenray** , it wasn’t her mother. It was her stepmother. > > Please read before you rant. Grandfather, mother, stepmother, brother, half-sister, second cousin once removed, best friend, best friend’s stepmother … makes no difference to me. She had a close enough relationship with her to have her in the limo with her and it wasn’t the freaking limo driver. (As an aside, to what degree is sad stuff to be banned? I can think of at least two weddings I attended in which mention of the recent death of an important family member was mentioned. At one, it was during the ceremony and at the other, it was during the toasts. They were both downers, and made several people cry, but in neither case did the bride nor anyone else express displeasure. There was no expectation that these moments were to be protected from the thought of anything bad or negative.) ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/98 "2011-10-15T23:30:39Z")
> [@tumbleddown](#): > > That goes across the line from douchebag behavior to actively abusive behavior. Isolating her somewhere like that and emotionally manipulating her and expecting sex? No way that’s even remotely right. I know! It was horrifying. It could have gotten really ugly and ended very badly. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/99 "2011-10-15T23:32:55Z")
**Ascenray** , calm down; you’ll give yourself skin failure. ---
**Author:** ![a35362](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@a35362](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a35362)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/100 "2011-10-16T00:14:45Z")
This isn’t about The Bride’s Special Day. It’s about throwing cold water on a happy occasion with something that is completely irrelevant and inappropriate for the occasion. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564.md?page=6)