# Why would you tell me that NOW?! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 13, 2011, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564 "2011-10-13T19:50:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky_the_Wonder_Spirit)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/101 "2011-10-16T00:20:24Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > I agree, but remember who the audience is for this thread. This is Doperland, where people who voluntarily wear anything more grand than dirty jeans and concert shirts from the '80s are snobs obsessed with their appearance to the detriment of personal relationships. And also where people who don’t gobble down food they’ve never seen before and ask for thirds ten seconds later are spoiled rotten picky eaters who don’t appreciate their circumstances. Somewhere in there it was decided that weddings are not supposed to be important to anyone, not even the bride and groom. So **Soylent** is a bridezilla for wanting five minutes of tranquility on the way to her ceremony. If she was a decent person, she would have insisted that her stepmother tell her every detail about the theft, even if it meant SM was still talking during the vows. Thread winner. > [@Acsenray](#): > > I disagree. It’s her mother. She has a _personal_ relationship with her. I simply do not believe that brides have the right to expect some kind of inviolable bubble of positivity. Bride and mom are bride and mom just like on every other day of their lives. Actually, it was her step-mother, so I highly doubt that the level of personal closeness is really comparable. But don’t let facts get in the way of all that sanctimony. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/102 "2011-10-16T00:24:19Z")
> [@Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](#): > > Actually, it was her step-mother, so I highly doubt that the level of personal closeness is really comparable. But don’t let facts get in the way of all that sanctimony. See my previous reply. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/103 "2011-10-16T00:26:18Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > I disagree. It’s her mother. She has a _personal_ relationship with her. All the more reason why her (step)mother should be aware of her feelings on what is, for her, a very special occasion. > [@](#): > > I simply do not believe that brides have the right to expect some kind of inviolable bubble of positivity. Inviolable, no. But there is such a thing as timeliness. This was not a timely report from the stepmother. This was two days removed from the incident, and the stepmother hadn’t seen fit to mention this horrible, dreadful, wrenching violation at any time prior to this. It was not the time for focus on her issues because _there was nothing to be done with them at that time_. > [@](#): > > This whole thing reeks of what really bugs me about a lot of modern weddings, that the ceremony is some kind of performance and that the couple (and maybe some other people, but particularly the bride) are performers who must be coddled and pampered so that nothing disturbs their state of mind and ruins their performances. It’s a special occasion, and for many, the most solemn vow that they’ll take in their lifetimes. That they want to concentrate on that and not be distracted by petty bullshit that has no bearing on them or the events of the day is no different than not wanting to hear chatter about your neighbor’s gardener when you’re preparing for a key business meeting. > [@Acsenray](#): > > No, it’s not. Is there an officiant? Is there a formalized exchange that being witnessed by a gathering of people? Whatever is said inside the limo is no different from any other private conversation. The atmosphere in every limo I’ve ever been in (and that’s a number, I’m a perpetual bridesmaid) en route to the ceremony, is celebratory. It’s preparatory. The talk is about what’s going on that day, about the bride and groom, about marriage, about the well wishes of the attendants and family members for the couple’s lives together. It’s not about mundane nonsense. The bride may be nervous, so there’s help for her be calm. It’s not a time for complaining or self-centered chatter. It is a time when anyone with any social awareness is clear _that it’s not about them_. And yes, sometimes, the focus _can_ be on one person (or one couple) and supporting and upholding them for a _day_. Or at least a part of a day. And if a wedding day can’t be that day, what can? ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/104 "2011-10-16T00:40:15Z")
> [@a35362](#): > > This isn’t about The Bride’s Special Day. It’s about throwing cold water on a happy occasion with something that is completely irrelevant and inappropriate for the occasion. Or heck the opposite for that matter. Generally speaking funerals are not the time to loudly tell jokes or brag excitely about your new promotion you got yesterday. I know 90 percent of Dopers have Aspergers but really people a little social awareness ain’t gonna kill ya. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/105 "2011-10-16T13:37:40Z")
Did I say the ride to the ceremony in the limo was the ceremony? No, I did not. I said it was ceremony-ish, which it is. I think the death of a loved one is slightly more important than an item being stolen from my hotel room, but ok, whatever, maybe you just _really, really_ love your laptop. Lots of things are “on my mind” all the time but that doesn’t make it ok for me to blurt them out any time or place regardless of situation. Most adults are capable of determining when something is socially appropriate and when it is not. If Stepmom was so massively devastated about the loss of her beloved laptop, she could have mentioned it any time in the preceding two days, or she could have waited until her stepdaughter’s wedding was over. Mentioning it in the limo on the way there is just…weird. I could see it if the theft had _just_ happened, but it hadn’t. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/106 "2011-10-16T14:20:51Z")
Using my SM as a template, I’m sure the stolen laptop was mentioned when it was purely because she’d intended to have it with her in the limo, writing emails, posting pics, and logging onto forums describing her fabulous Vegas holiday. Your wedding day would have been the only day she didn’t have anything planned; thus the ideal time to catch everyone up on her fabulous fabulousness. Imagine her disappointment when she was not able to post, “I’m in a limousine RIGHT NOW sipping champagne!” That, however, is nothing in comparison to not being able to tell you, **Soylent Juicy** , that the loss of her beloved putey was entirely _your fault_. Had you not been getting married (good god, must you do _everything_ she does?) then they wouldn’t have been forced to stay in that thieving hotel, the universe would have remained under her exacting control, and her computer (_her_ computer, dammit!) would be in its rightful place: balanced on her elephant-skinned knees, its keyboard caressed by her clawing fingers. From your SM’s perspective, “Our computer was stolen out of our room” is a convivial, kind, and festive statement in comparison to “I hate the way you ruin my life!” while her beady, close-set eyes burn an eternal headache into your soul. What she actually said has the same number of syllables as “I wish you joy and happiness on this day,” so replay that moment, and insert that; a convivial, kind, and festive way to insert something into the selfish uncouth bitch. ---
**Author:** ![Baracus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/2bfe46/32.png) [@Baracus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baracus)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/107 "2011-10-16T15:16:35Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Or heck the opposite for that matter. Generally speaking funerals are not the time to loudly tell jokes or brag excitely about your new promotion you got yesterday. I know 90 percent of Dopers have Aspergers but really people a little social awareness ain’t gonna kill ya. Don’t even get me started on those fucking Widowzillas. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/108 "2011-10-16T15:43:17Z")
My MIL consistently tells inappropriate stories during dinner. Death, cancer, the holocaust, all in vivid details. One dinner that sticks out was her description of some horrific accident that happened. Several people died, one was pregnant and the emergency personnel attempted to deliver her baby at the scene, but were unsuccessful. So we have horrific death, dead babies, gore, horror…did I mention in was Christmas? Did I mention my kids were terrified? Now it’s a game. Who can be first to recognize that Grandma is going to tell a horrible or disgusting story. Last week we went out for her birthday. Within 5 minutes she starts saying (yelling almost, she’s a loud talker) that she just watched a show on some serial killer and starts describing it in detail, much to the dismay of the families eating near us. At least now my kids are amused and not frightened. As my son once said to her, “Is the holocaust really a proper topic for Thanksgiving dinner?” ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/109 "2011-10-16T15:50:22Z")
> [@lost4life](#): > > “Is the holocaust really a proper topic for Thanksgiving dinner?” If you’re a turkey, why, yes, it _is_! ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/110 "2011-10-16T16:06:16Z")
The thread title reminded me of a schoolteacher acquaintance of ours. She didn’t really like men, but wanted children, so, with a suitor she could tolerate, marriage seemed the logical plan for her. On the wedding night, groom finally mentioned to her that he’d had a vasectomy. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/111 "2011-10-16T16:17:36Z")
…I would think that by the time she’d finished with him, what he had previously had was a \*partial \*vasectomy, **septimus** … ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/112 "2011-10-16T18:26:01Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I just don’t consider getting married to be something that makes me incapable of having a normal conversation with someone about something in their lives, or in some sort of fragile state where I need to be shielded from what others are experiencing. If someone said, “Oh, I didn’t tell you about this thing that was affecting me because I didn’t want to ruin your day” I’d think they thought I was pretty delicate and self-absorbed. I just feel no need to be treated differently because I’m getting married. I’m still just me, other people are still just as important as ever. I’m with you. I find it kind of insulting that people have this idea that participating in an important ceremony is nearly too much for our pretty little heads to handle and we need to be treated like special-needs children in regards to anything wedding relations lest we have a meltdown. I’m sorry, but bride-me is still me-me, and I’m an adult who is capable of saying “I’m sorry- that really sucks! Did you talk to the hotel management? Are you going to have to file a police report?” without my brain exploding. I agree the timing was a bit tone-deaf, but the OP just takes it too far. You are really upset that your wedding played a minor role in their vacation? They flew the hell out to go, didn’t they? Did you really expect them to spend a whole week off work to wait on you hand and foot? Do you really think your marriage merits their full focus for much more time than it takes to actually have the wedding? Have you _been_ to someone else’s wedding? It’s a nice way to spend an evening. You get some food, some dancing, you are happy that your friend is happy…and then you go home and get on with your life. It’s a BIG HUGE DEAL for the bride and groom, but for everyone else it’s pretty much a fun party. You are really upset they aren’t gushing about it years later? Honey, they just don’t really care. Yes, they are probably glad you got married and are happy. But the monogrammed napkins, signature cocktail and beautiful bouquet? They are nice touches that night, but they really aren’t going to be reminiscing about them into old age. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/113 "2011-10-16T18:39:39Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I agree the timing was a bit tone-deaf, but the OP just takes it too far. You are really upset that your wedding played a minor role in their vacation? They flew the hell out to go, didn’t they? Did you really expect them to spend a whole week off work to wait on you hand and foot? Do you really think your marriage merits their full focus for much more time than it takes to actually have the wedding? No, she expected her stepmother to not be tone-deaf. But I’m glad you’ve had this chance to express your outrage at the concept of weddings. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/114 "2011-10-16T19:05:34Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > No, she expected her stepmother to not be tone-deaf. But I’m glad you’ve had this chance to express your outrage at the concept of weddings. That’s a pretty silly thing to expect from someone that the OP states has a long history of being relatively tone deaf. I’m all for weddings. I think they are beautiful- two people who really love each other, making a public vow of their devotion and commitment? The affirmation of family and community and love? Absolutely awesome. Drinking, dancing, friends, family and tradition? Well, that makes it it even better. Treating a full grown adult woman about to embark on one of the most adult ceremonies as if she is a fragile child? I’ll pass on that part. I’m not even really sure where this impulse comes from- why don’t we have to tiptoe around grooms, as well? Why don’t we ever hear grooms losing their shit over their special day? I suspect it’s some kind of gnarly social throwback to the fact that on what is probably one of the most feminine days of our lives, all wrapped up in gender and sexuality and family roles, we are expected to act like the worst stereotype of a woman possible- over-emotional, always on the verge of tears, unable to manage even minor problems, incapable of making decisions or using judgement and in need of constant protection from the big bad world. We are expected to perform the “femininity” of being a bride as if it’s PMS times 1,0000. Gross. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/115 "2011-10-16T19:12:10Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I’m not even really sure where this impulse comes from- why don’t we have to tiptoe around grooms, as well? Why don’t we ever hear grooms losing their shit over their special day? I. Oh baloney. You are mixing up your hatred of bridezillas with somebody that would prefer not to hear bad news thats irrelevant to the event, is a downer, and there isn’t a damn thing they can do about it anyway. I hate bridezillas too and am no fragile snowflake myself. But if I am the groom on my special day I don’t wanna hear about Bob’s car get stolen shortly before the ceremony either. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/116 "2011-10-16T19:16:05Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > You are really upset they aren’t gushing about it years later? When did she say that? > [@](#): > > Honey, they just don’t really care. Yes, they are probably glad you got married and are happy. But the monogrammed napkins, signature cocktail and beautiful bouquet? They are nice touches that night, but they really aren’t going to be reminiscing about them into old age. Honey, why don’t you start your own message board? Call it the Perfect People board, and only allow people whose priorities are exactly the same as yours. Start by restricting it to people who’ve been in the Peace Corps. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/117 "2011-10-16T19:22:19Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > That’s a pretty silly thing to expect from someone that the OP states has a long history of being relatively tone deaf. Fine. Amend my statement to “want” instead of “expect.” > [@billfish678](#): > > Oh baloney. You are mixing up your hatred of bridezillas with somebody that would prefer not to hear bad news thats irrelevant to the event, is a downer, and there isn’t a damn thing they can do about it anyway. Yeah, what he said. Your over-the-top stereotyped description of bridezillas has nothing to do at all with the OP’s reasonable irritation at her stepmother’s behavior. Yes, bridezillas suck. Maybe you should start a thread about that. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/118 "2011-10-16T19:35:02Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > When did she say that? > [@Soylent\_Juicy](#): > > The part that annoys me now is that it’s the only thing my Dad seems to talk about regarding that trip - “Yeah it was a good time, except that our laptop got stolen. And the hotel didn’t care…” and on and on. I don’t think either of them have expressed how much of an AWESOMELY FUN DAY it was. .. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/119 "2011-10-16T19:40:36Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > .. There is huge difference between expecting gushing years later and being annoyed that the only reference to the trip is talking about the stolen laptop years later. I hardly think its less shallow to bring up the loss of material goods than remembering a wonderful family event. ---
**Author:** ![Baracus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/2bfe46/32.png) [@Baracus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baracus)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564/120 "2011-10-16T19:57:22Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > There is huge difference between expecting gushing years later and being annoyed that the only reference to the trip is talking about the stolen laptop years later. > > I hardly think its less shallow to bring up the loss of material goods than remembering a wonderful family event. And it was two months ago, not years ago. Plus with the after-wedding festivities consisting of going to a gun shop and eating at Hard Rock, I am thinking that there are no monogrammed napkins and there was no signature cocktail. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-would-you-tell-me-that-now/599564.md?page=7)