I can’t wait to see what kind of welcome he gets.
This is not the pit. Please don’t take swipes at other posters.
I think you’re in a pickle. If you did leave her and divorce her, the child support you would have to pay would be worse financially than the one income family situation you now face. Add to that the emotional distress you would endure being without your children on a regular basis, and it just doesn’t seem like a viable option unless you get to the point where you truly can’t stand being around her anymore.
Perhaps, in time, when she sees how her family’s financial situation is so negatively impacted by her being jobless, she will reconsider.
Yes, the world is different today, and yes, that can be scary for some. I don’t know where you come from, nor do I know where Kwc comes from, but I wonder if you ever sat down and talked with your parents about how their marriage worked. What sort of personality did your parents each have? Were you an only child? What sort of support from your grandparents did they recieve throughout their marriage? These are just a few things that can have long term impact on a marriage, both good and bad.
My upbringing was much the same as yours, at first glance. There were four of us kids and you bet there were arguments. Mom ran the house is sort of an understatement, but as I grew older and more experienced I began to see the underlying partnership.
Your scenario will work well for some circumstances and personalities, but I guarantee that not every marriage was like that “where you come from”
I had a stay at home mom but didn’t realize until much later how isolated and pointless her life was to her. She went from being an independent woman with a top secret security clearance to being dad’s wife and our mother and it itched her to the point where she’d periodically escape and go pick up a job somewhere just to get the hell out of the house. Then dad would reel her back in. After they divorced she went on to bossing an enterprise level company, then quit and went into running my stepfather’s company, where she built that business to about 3x what it was when she came in. After stepdad died she ran it herself perfectly well until she retired. Some women aren’t fulfilled by endless cleaning and wrangling kids and if that’s what’s going on then maybe it’s a good time to reassess the gender roles and see if there’s room for her to actually, y’know, have a life outside the house. And I’m not persuaded that OP’s wife wanting to quit her job means she’s slobbering to be a housewife, seems like she’s wanting to scratch an entrepreneurial itch. Too bad she’s chosen poorly on how to do that.
Some of us like to be in relationships with equals.
“Gee, our old LaSalle ran great …”
I was going to pop in here to say exactly this. Also, she’s been accustomed to a dual-earner household spending-wise; not knowing your marriage, it could create a power imbalance (perceived or otherwise) in your marriage. Meaning, if you’re the only earner, does that mean you give her an allowance and if so, how’s that determined? In any relationship, you should both be accountable to each other, and I’m probably projecting, but I wouldn’t want to have to discuss all purchases with my husband (yes, he has access to all my financial info but unless something is expensive, we don’t ask before buying).
Also, in addition to the car accident scenario, people change over time. Marriages can change, especially if one of you, for example, becomes way more conservative than the other. Or doesn’t believe in medicine (does she give your kids Tylenol, out of curiosity?). Anyway, if I were in her situation, I would see giving up my job to be a SAHM as a big risk.
And also, she shouldn’t be the only one to make this decision. You’re a unit and both your choices affect your lives.
ETA: well, shoot - you’ve gotten some amazing advice, OP, and I wish the best of luck to you & your wife and your son. For some reason all the comments didn’t load, so I only saw the first 10! But I haven’t told you anything you haven’t heard already.
Yep. We have a bottle of children’s Tylenol on the kitchen counter right now. Kids are vaccinated against normal stuff. She uses her natural stuff plenty but when things get iffy with the kids we take them to the doctor and take treatment as prescribed. Which is why it will be so crucial for us to get my son to a psychologist just to figure him and his possible issues out a little bit more.
That’s good to hear. You guys obviously care deeply for each other and for your son. I hope you get him and yourselves whatever help you need. One of the things I strongly emphasize with both my kids is that mental health is as important as physical health and, even if you don’t “need” a therapist, it’s good to have one on call, even if just to get a neutral third party perspective.
Whatever floats your boat. But we aren’t talking about you here. We are trying to help a man who asked for advice for his family situation. Please stick to the topic.
Yeah, back when it was legal to beat and rape your wife. No thanks.
You do realize all that stuff combined places the burden of labor unfairly on women? Do you not understand why this would no longer appeal to many women?
I realize this is probably a hopeless conversation, but I’m wildly curious how some men rationalize treating women like second class citizens in their own house.
kwc27, that is good to hear. I would hate to hear that she has denied the kids necessary medical care. So she hasn’t lost it completely. This is why a counselor or even a small business advisor might be able to help her see that her plan isn’t realistic based on the income you need as a family or that she is overestimating her thoughts about what income she might get as a distributor.
This summer, the farmers market I shop was loaded with people selling scents that I can pick up anywhere, should I want to do so. I think the market is saturated.
Best of luck to you and your family.
But did they at least know how to spell “tongue” correctly?
Not that they should treat women like second class citizens outside their houses either, right?
Where was that time and place where a woman did not challenge her husband’s authority?
I doubt I’ll get an answer, but I’ll check back and see.
To be sure.
I was discussing this with my husband, and I can see the appeal of the gendered lifestyle that subjugates women. It neatly deposits all the domestic work on the shoulders of women without all that nasty complexity created by an equal partnership. There can be no diffusion of responsibility when the roles are clear, which probably has a comforting simplicity to it. To be sure, in an egalitarian household like my own, it is tricky to give everyone a fair shake! Lots of logistical issues arise for both of us around work, childcare and leisure. It is a constant negotiation. But I guess that’s the price we pay for equality. Of course the reward we each get is a sense of full humanity. I don’t shove him into a gender box anymore than he shoves me into one.
The OP clearly lives in the present day, however, and seems committed to figuring it out. Unlike many here, I don’t see the relationship as doomed. It’s going to take work and time and energy but if they both believe there is something worth preserving, I think they will figure it out together. I’m in your corner, OP!
I don’t see it as doomed either. However, I do see a MLM plan as doomed and it may make the spouse less sure of herself, and if backed by her pals, likely to blame her spouse for something that was never going to work anyway. Sure, work part time at home if you can swing it, but not at MLM.
BTW, I finally sat her down and spoke about our relationship needing work, boundaries set, and more just us time. She agreed and was happy for the discussion. Said our son may need professional help. She agreed.
When I said I did not support an MLM she got rather defensive and replied “this is a different kind of pyramid scheme”, and prodded me into an answer as to whether I wanted her to take back her notice to quit work. After saying I didn’t want our conversation to go that far I begrudgingly replied yes. She was hurt but I gave my reasons why they don’t work and asked what would happen if I died in a car wreck - she said she is faithful she will figure something out.
We pretty much left it as how terrified I am that the MLM would do nothing but harm us financially and we went to bed. Things are okay in conversation today with us planning a date night Friday.
Not sure where the future will take us but I’m committed to improvement.
Marriage in a nutshell. A lot of times people come here to get relationship advice with no intention of changing their approach. I’m happy to see you’ve reflected on some things and moved forward in a positive way.