# Wilderness advice you probably won't need. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 5, 2009, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017 "2009-04-05T00:38:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Offkenter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f08c70/32.png) [@Offkenter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Offkenter)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2009, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/61 "2009-04-08T17:04:15Z")
> [@Yllaria](#): > > So kingsnakes are all . . . Gryffindor? Only when stationary. Otherwise they’re Slytherin. > [@Raguleader](#): > > I remember when it used to be “My Very Eccentric Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas” > > Now it is “My Very Eccentric Mother Just Served us NOTHING” I learned “My Very Excited Mother Jumped Skillfully Under Nelson’s Parachute.” It has been reduced to “My Very Excited Mother Jumped Skillfully Under Nelson.” ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2009, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/62 "2009-04-08T17:23:41Z")
> [@Offkenter](#): > > I learned “My Very Excited Mother Jumped Skillfully Under Nelson’s Parachute.” It has been reduced to “My Very Excited Mother Jumped Skillfully Under Nelson.” I learned “M VEM J SUN P” - pronounced “Em, Vem, Jay, Sun, Pea” If you make a fist and extend your arm in front of you, your fist is approximately 10 degrees of the sky. You can sight from the top of your fist and count 9 fists to directly overhead. ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2009, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/63 "2009-04-09T01:56:54Z")
> [@Zoe](#): > > You can add additional warmth by putting on a second long-sleeved shirt, tucking the shirt in, and filling in between the two with leaves. > … > Snow is a good insulator too. Not sure these should appear in the same post. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2009, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/64 "2009-04-09T04:16:26Z")
> [@Walton\_Firm](#): > > And even if you don’t survive the encounter, you may at least have given it a bad memory which may keep it from trying to eat other humans in the future. Maybe I’m selfish but that gives me ABSOLUTELY NO COMFORT whatsoever. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2009, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/65 "2009-04-09T04:26:27Z")
> [@G0sp3l](#): > > Maybe I’m selfish but that gives me ABSOLUTELY NO COMFORT whatsoever. Comon, you will go down in mountain lion history as the REASON mountain lions don’t fuck with people! “Remember, cubs! NEVER come between a human and his beer! Humans fight ferociously to protect their kills!” ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2009, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/66 "2009-04-09T06:57:38Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > Take the laundry lint, put it in an empty cardboard egg container, melt candle wax over the whole thing, then break them apart into individual fire starters. Once lit they will burn hot for a while, allowing you to get a fire started even with wet wood. In Camp Fire Girls, there was a task (an Honor Bead requirement) that you had to start a certain number of camp fires using only one match and stuff you found in the wild. Dryer lint was never commonly found in the wild back then. Maybe it is now. We also didn’t find candle wax in the wild. However, I think that perhaps I’ll try to make some firestarters for our grill. My husband seems to have problems lighting the thing sometimes, and I am all for anything that encourages him to cook on the grill. Number one, because he’s cooking the entree, which means that if it’s not done to his liking, it’s HIS fault. Number two, it means that most of the cooking is done OUTSIDE the house, which means that I will not be overcome by the heat in the kitchen. No, we don’t want a gas grill. The food just doesn’t taste the same. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2009, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/67 "2009-04-09T08:47:14Z")
Let’s see… moss always grows on the outside of the tree. ---
**Author:** ![Otanx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Otanx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otanx)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2009, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/68 "2009-04-09T12:12:21Z")
> [@sciguy](#): > > Ok, I can’t remember any advise that’s actually useful, but on the topic of bears… > > To identify a bear, piss it off then climb a tree. If it climbs up after you, it’s a black bear. If it knocks the tree down it’s a grizzly. > > On second thought, maybe you should avoid pissing off bears. 🙂 If there are no trees, and alot of snow it is a polar bear. If the tree is made of bamboo it is a kola bear. If there are no trees, and you are in a bedroom it is a teady bear. If you are in london, and the bear is wearing a blue jacket it is Padington Bear. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2009, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/69 "2009-04-09T12:15:17Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > Let’s see… moss always grows on the outside of the tree. If moss is growing on a stone, the stone is probably stationary. Said stone may also make for a good father figure (on the Sly, of course). ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2009, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/70 "2009-04-09T13:21:39Z")
> [@Otanx](#): > > If there are no trees, and alot of snow it is a polar bear. > > If the tree is made of bamboo it is a kola bear. > > If there are no trees, and you are in a bedroom it is a teady bear. > > If you are in london, and the bear is wearing a blue jacket it is Padington Bear. eucalyptus tree = kola bear bamboo = panda bear Beanie on head = dancing bear from Captain Kangaroo ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2009, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/71 "2009-04-09T13:36:41Z")
[kola bear](http://www.thecoca-colacompany.com/presscenter/img/image120/lg_polar_bear.jpg) [koala “bear”](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/25/Friendly_Female_Koala.JPG) ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2009, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/72 "2009-04-10T00:37:41Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > …However, I think that perhaps I’ll try to make some firestarters for our grill. My husband seems to have problems lighting the thing sometimes, and I am all for anything that encourages him to cook on the grill. Number one, because he’s cooking the entree, which means that if it’s not done to his liking, it’s HIS fault. Number two, it means that most of the cooking is done OUTSIDE the house, which means that I will not be overcome by the heat in the kitchen. > … The procedure for a chimney style charcoal starter says to use newspaper in the bottom. It works much better if you drizzle or spray some cooking oil on the paper first. Most of us are not deer hunters, so this is something you won’t need. Deer are very curious beasts. If you hang a small radio in a tree, turned on low, a deer will come to see what the heck it is. Better yet, used menstual supplies will attract them from a mile away. Something smells female and sexual! How come this thing nailed to a tree smells that way? Sometimes, lust is the very last thing on a deer’s mind. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2009, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/73 "2009-04-10T01:53:19Z")
Breadcrumbs are not a good way to mark your trail. m&ms are much more visible, and will only be eaten by aliens. If you get your head stuck between two trees (this is always happening to me), just sit tight and stay quiet. Eventually some wild animal will come by, scare the crap out of you and you’ll find you’ve pulled your head loose. Massive blood loss due to severed ears can be staunched with a liberal application of thick mud and by tying your pants around your head in a tourniquet. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2009, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/74 "2009-04-10T12:05:40Z")
Tibetans generally start a fire with one piece of homemade charcoal, one match and goatskin bellow. Pretty freaking amazing in the middle of winter, minus a gazillion degrees, snow everywhere, wood is all wet. They use a piece of charcoal kept inside their shirts, and once it barely gets started, the bellows start up. Wet wood will burn with the bellows going. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2009, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/75 "2009-04-10T12:10:48Z")
You know how to make a goat bellow? Kick it in the balls. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2009, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/76 "2009-04-10T15:45:03Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > You know how to make a goat bellow? Kick it in the balls. If you’re hungry and foodless, you can get hot cross buns by pouring boiling water down a rabbit hole. ---
**Author:** ![Euthanasiast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Euthanasiast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euthanasiast)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2009, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/77 "2009-04-10T22:56:39Z")
> [@not\_austin](#): > > Even easier, if you are wearing a watch… point the hour hand at the sun. Halfway between the hour hand and the 12 is due south. rotate 180 degrees for north. This is only accurate if you are in the Northern Hemisphere. If you are below the equator, you have to perform the opposite task to get the accurate reading. I now quote from the May 2002 edition of the latest US Army Survival Manual FM 3-05.70 paragraph 18-6; "In the Southern Hemisphere, point the watch’s 12 o’clock mark towards the sun; a midpoint halfway between 12 and the hour hand will give you the north-south line (figure 18-2).)—That figure shows North indicated as halfway between 12 and the hour hand. According to the official policy of the US Army. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2009, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/78 "2009-04-10T23:50:27Z")
> [@Euthanasiast](#): > > a midpoint halfway between… What if you use a midpoint that’s not halfway between? And where are the other middle points, anyway? ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2009, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/79 "2009-04-11T00:44:33Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > Breadcrumbs are not a good way to mark your trail. m&ms are much more visible, and will only be eaten by aliens. Aliens only like Reese’s Pieces. I second the tourniquet around your neck, though. 😛 of what possible use is knowing the rhyme to remember the nine (ok, 8) planets in the wild? How about biological classification, which I learned as King Philip Came Over From Germany Stoned. ---
**Author:** ![user\_hostile](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/user_hostile/32/474_2.png) [@user\_hostile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/user_hostile)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2009, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017/80 "2009-04-11T02:11:51Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > It’s useless to me, too, even though I live in the range of lots of coral snakes. The rhyme only works in the US. In the tropics, there’s some red-black guys that will kill you. I know of someone who picked up a coral snake here in Panama based on the rhyme, thinking it was harmless, and got bitten. (He survived.) > > The rule here is: if it has any combination of red, yellow, black, or orange on it, **leave it the hell alone**. Piffle. **Colibri** , it’s gotta rhyme first…uh, “Black, red, & yellow, it’s not German fellow.” You don’t like? Try rhyming orange…😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wilderness-advice-you-probably-wont-need/492017.md?page=5)