# Will 50 Shades of Gray make BDSM more mainstream? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 12, 2015, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483 "2015-02-12T16:40:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2015, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/82 "2015-02-22T20:22:58Z")
By the way, the actress playing the secretary is way hotter. ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2015, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/83 "2015-02-22T20:59:13Z")
> [@Namkcalb](#): > > I think you misunderstand what D&S is. > > The role of the dom[me] is to actively create experiences for their sub, and the sub enjoys playing out, without having to overthink. > > IMHO, it’s similar to a chef preparing food for a customer. The sub/customer chooses the nature of the experience, the dom/chef puts in the effort to create it, and the sub/customer gets to enjoy it. > > It’s not surprising then that most people into D&S are submissives and many couples switch roles. This. People don’t seem to realize it is all about the sub’s needs, desires, and limits. There is a certain amount of uncertainty as to exactly what is going to happen, that allows a sub to really enjoy the experience, but with the fundamental trust in the Dom(me)'s respect for their safeword. Safe, sane, and consensual! A graphic I have seen on Facebook: “50 Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be an episode of Criminal Minds.” I haven’t read the books but it is pretty obvious she is going to convert him to vanilla love, not him convert her to BDSM. Same resolution as in Exit to Eden. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/84 "2015-02-23T04:04:02Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > If people find funny reviews of the movie, could you post the link in this thread? Check out the [review in The New Yorker.](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/02/23/pain-gain) Funniest review of a movie I recall. About the irony of it coming out for Valentine’s Day: > [@](#): > > Try holding hands as the hero taunts the rituals of sentiment, such as going out for dinner and a movie: “That’s not really my thing.” What his thing actually is, Lord knows, although, to judge by the importance that he attaches to grooming, regular feeding, and nicely buffed leather goods, my suspicion is that he doesn’t want a girlfriend at all. I know Mr. Grey’s whopping-big secret. He wants a pony. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/85 "2015-02-23T14:41:38Z")
> [@](#): > > He wants a pony. He can have [both](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/ponygirl). ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/86 "2015-02-23T17:13:37Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > There is a whole “Christian spanking” subculture where the husband is asserting a dominant role, and unlike a lot of their nonsense, has unambiguous Biblical support. No interest in it myself, but a good example of two ends of the human spectrum engaging in the same thing for different reasons. Strict Biblical adherence has some bits that would seem a bit extreme to a member of the Taliban. There is a HUGE difference between the two: The Christian Domestic Discipline is basically nonconsensual. The wife has to submit to being spanked, whether she WANTS to be spanked or not, because that’s what her religious beliefs demand. Her feelings on the matter are NOT at issue. Whereas with BDSM the wife (or husband, it’s not gender-based, another big difference) only gets spanked if she WANTS to get spanked. If it’s not with her wholehearted approval and enjoyment, she gets no spanking. None! No soup for you! ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/87 "2015-02-23T17:24:01Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > There is a whole “Christian spanking” subculture where the husband is asserting a dominant role, and unlike a lot of their nonsense, has unambiguous Biblical support. No interest in it myself, but a good example of two ends of the human spectrum engaging in the same thing for different reasons. Strict Biblical adherence has some bits that would seem a bit extreme to a member of the Taliban. > [@Evil\_Captor](#): > > There is a HUGE difference between the two: The Christian Domestic Discipline is basically nonconsensual. The wife has to submit to being spanked, whether she WANTS to be spanked or not, because that’s what her religious beliefs demand. Her feelings on the matter are NOT at issue. Whereas with BDSM the wife (or husband, it’s not gender-based, another big difference) only gets spanked if she WANTS to get spanked. If it’s not with her wholehearted approval and enjoyment, she gets no spanking. None! No soup for you! there are variations in how people function and make agreements. there are people who make an agreement to be a lifetime submissive. some do that for psychological and/or sexual reasons they want to be immersed in a lifetime of submission. some do that for religious reasons they want to be immersed in a lifetime of submission. there are also people who decide to do actions based on a per event basis. ---
**Author:** ![Gedd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gedd/32/4938_2.png) [@Gedd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gedd)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/88 "2015-02-23T21:43:22Z")
> [@johnpost](#): > > there are variations in how people function and make agreements. > > there are people who make an agreement to be a lifetime submissive. > > some do that for psychological and/or sexual reasons they want to be immersed in a lifetime of submission. some do that for religious reasons they want to be immersed in a lifetime of submission. > > there are also people who decide to do actions based on a per event basis. If the people “doing it for religious reasons” are free to quit whenever they want, or to stop and ask “Could you ease up a bit?” that’s fine with me. If they aren’t . . . ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2015, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/89 "2015-03-02T00:28:12Z")
How Credible Is the Kink In ‘Fifty Shades of Grey?’ Our Sex Experts Weigh In. [https://www.yahoo.com/movies/fifty-shades-s-m-fact-check-112260127207.html?soc\_src=mail&soc\_trk=ma](https://www.yahoo.com/movies/fifty-shades-s-m-fact-check-112260127207.html?soc_src=mail&soc_trk=ma) ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2015, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/90 "2015-03-02T17:17:43Z")
> [@Gedd](#): > > If the people “doing it for religious reasons” are free to quit whenever they want, or to stop and ask “Could you ease up a bit?” that’s fine with me. > > If they aren’t . . . Well, here’s the thing. Religious affiliations tend not to be just a matter of choice, like joining a chess club. People generally stay with the religion they are born into, which means that very often most of their family and friends are members of that religion. This can bring a huge amount of pressure on the woman to agree to being spanked for reasons that have a lot more to do with being accepted by her society. It’s not quite the same thing as someone freely engaging in spanking because they think it’s loads of fun and they enjoy it, even if it IS in a sense a choice, and we shouldn’t say it is, mmkay? To clarify, let’s postulate that there is a religion called Excelsiorism that’s very popular in the US. And you are a member. You are a hetero male. Now one of the tenets of Excelsiorism is that all members of an Excelsiorism congregation have to suck the pastor’s cock. It’s an important part of the church’s teachings, and everyone you know, who are also members, assures you that it’s a very holy and wonderful thing and not at all the crass sexual act that people outside the religion say it is while they are pointing and laughing. Would you say that’s the same thing as a gay man sucking cock because he gets pleasure out of it? Both are choices, after all. ---
**Author:** ![Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e47c2d/32.png) [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hershele_Ostropoler)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2015, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/91 "2015-03-05T02:30:16Z")
> [@Sattua](#): > > I personally thought the books were charming, and a hoot. All of this anti-50-Shades stuff is a tempest in a teakettle. Thing is, the 50SoG defeders are saying “oh, all you people critical of the boks are just anti-kink sex-haters” and two-thirds of the criticism is from people saying “look, this is actual fatual abuse, not becaue it’s BDSM, but because it’s abuse.” But the other third is from people like the _Sinfest_ guy who really are anti-sex. But it’s very insidious, because “_50 Shades_ is about abuse [because Grey is an abuser]” looks a lot like “_50 Shades_ is about abuse [because BDSM is abuse]”. > [@Lemur866](#): > > Yes, the scenario in the book does not depict a safe sane and consensual BDSM relationship. I’m pretty sure no one has emotionally abusive relationship fantasies. Even people who fantasize about being “non-consensually” fucked and beaten (in exactly the ways they find hot anyway) aren’t generally into being treated like dirt in more prosaic ways. Like, it’s one thing to handwave away the lack of contraception and prophylaxis in erotica, it’s another to overlook the part where the heroine is not shown having any warm feelings toward the hero at all and being scared of him at best throughout. > [@Junior\_Spaceman](#): > > I feel like a lot of people in the BDSM world are too worried about appearing ‘normal’ to acknowledge that underpinning most safe-sane-consensual real-life good relationships is a darker, more threatening fantasy Maybe. I prefer to take people at face value. Though you can learn all sorts of things about someone if you simply decide they’re spinning when they deny them. > [@aceplace57](#): > > I never understood the attraction of some guy dominating or controlling a woman. I realize its a sex game with boundaries and a willing partner. It still doesn’t appeal to me. I never like game playing in my relationships. Keep it real. Your tastes are your tastes, but I think you’re conflating two different meanings of “game-playing.” I play _Settlers of Catan_ with my girlfriend, that doesn’t mean our relationship is built on manipulation. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2016, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483/92 "2016-03-25T15:15:38Z")
Bumped because I can’t find a better place for it. A charity bookstore is begging you - stop donating _Fifty Shades of Grey_!: [Charity bookstore begs customers to stop donating their copies of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'](http://www.aol.com/article/2016/03/24/charity-bookstore-begs-customers-to-stop-donating-their-copies-o/21333080/) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-50-shades-of-gray-make-bdsm-more-mainstream/712483.md?page=4)