# Will the issue of divorce scare off men from getting married? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 9, 2017, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991 "2017-12-09T04:26:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/41 "2017-12-09T17:25:28Z")
… and that’s why, among the very wealthy, prenuptial agreements are a thing. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/42 "2017-12-09T17:29:51Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > \*If \*it’s a wealthy man and poor woman entering into marriage, pooling assets together, and the divorce sees them split the assets 50/50, it’s reasonable to say she took half, or nearly half, his money. “Pooling assets” means it’s all “their money.” Men, like me, who willing pool all of their assets with their spouse should think of all the money as community property. My ex got half of everything _and_ I paid her $5,000 per month for five years. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/43 "2017-12-09T17:30:53Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > One of the worst things that has happened to the stability of the home/family is the concept of no-fault divorce. Personally, I think that divorce laws should be changed so that if you have kids, you can do the no-fault thing. But if you have a kid, it should be damn near impossible to be divorced. Having that in place would hopefully make people think two or three times before tying the knot. We might have fewer marriages but I think they would be more stable. Some have argued that such a system would merely raise the murder rate. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/44 "2017-12-09T18:08:01Z")
It already has. From what I’ve seen many guys are already afraid to marry for the following reasons. 1. Fear they’ll lose assets in a divorce. 2. Fear they’ll lose access to their children after a divorce. 3. Fear they’ll have false accusations made against them during the divorce proceedings because they give the other party an upper hand during negotiations. That doesn’t mean any of this is guaranteed to happen in a divorce. But these are real risks that a lot of guys have seen happen to men in their lives. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/45 "2017-12-09T18:18:25Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > … and that’s why, among the very wealthy, prenuptial agreements are a thing. Prenups can be thrown out, and depending on the jurisdiction they have different legitimacy. > **[Russian wife's £2.85m divorce in Britain will 'open floodgates'](https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/divorce/8418525/Russian-wifes-2.85m-divorce-in-Britain-will-open-floodgates.html)** > > A Russian student has been awarded £2.8 million after an 18-month marriage in a settlement that her ex-husband’s lawyer claimed could turn Britain into the “divorce capital of the world”. > **[Russian wife awarded £53 million divorce settlement at London's High Court](https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/divorce/10243509/Russian-wife-awarded-53-million-divorce-settlement-at-Londons-High-Court.html)** > > A Russian wife has been awarded one of the highest divorce settlements ever made by an English court after a judge ruled that she should receive more than £53 million from her ex-husband. > **[Warring across waters](https://www.theguardian.com/money/2009/sep/19/expat-finance-divorce)** > > The country in which you file for divorce could make all the difference to your settlement Divorces more favor the woman in the UK, so some women from countries like Russia are filing for divorce in the UK because it gives them favorable terms. Of course, by the same logic, I suppose a man could file for divorce in Saudi Arabia if he wanted favorable terms for himself. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/46 "2017-12-09T18:21:54Z")
> [@mr\_horsepower](#): > > it doesn’t cost anything for the state to recognize you’ve got a brother or a sister. they do that for free. My country recognizes marriage for free. Yours doesn’t? 😕 > [@Clothahump](#): > > One of the worst things that has happened to the stability of the home/family is the concept of no-fault divorce. Personally, I think that divorce laws should be changed so that if you have kids, you can do the no-fault thing. But if you have a kid, it should be damn near impossible to be divorced. Having that in place would hopefully make people think two or three times before tying the knot. We might have fewer marriages but I think they would be more stable. God NO! My aunt’s first marriage was hell for her and for my cousins (I don’t think it was particularly happy for my uncle either, but he refuses to even recognize his children now…). Anything that made that situation last longer is so much the opposite of good it’s not just bad, it’s worse. When they got married there was no divorce. My family’s opinion on divorce, given my aunt’s case, is “pity it wasn’t available sooner”. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/47 "2017-12-09T18:22:46Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > This presumes that the odds are the same for every individual, though. It just ain’t so. > > There is not, and never was, a 60% chance that my marriage would fail. > > Obviously, we can’t quantify these things anecdotally, but I’d guess closer to 5%. The likelihood that one’s marriage will fail includes several factors within any given couple’s control plus a number of demographic indicators. > > I don’t care who gets married or why but let’s not pretend everyone’s going in with an equally high risk of failure. I’m sure people have studied the factors that go into whether a couple will get divorced. However, the woman’s level of education seems to be very important. I’m sure there are others, but that is one that is important. [![](https://www.economist.com/images/20070526/CFB217.gif) ](https://www.economist.com/images/20070526/CFB217.gif) The rate of divorce is about 40% for women who only have a high school diploma, close to 50% for women without a high school diploma. For women with a bachelors or masters degree the divorce rate is only 15%. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/48 "2017-12-09T18:28:32Z")
Betcha there’s a direct correlation between degree of education and age of first marriage, and inverse between degree of education and amount of shotguns at the wedding. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/49 "2017-12-09T18:39:35Z")
There is a connection between age of marriage and divorce rate. But I don’t know if that explains it. Age and education are probably both factors in their own way. [![](https://familyinequality.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/agemar-divorce.png) ](https://familyinequality.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/agemar-divorce.png) ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/50 "2017-12-09T19:01:29Z")
The OP seems to read as though an increase in the divorce rate is new news. It isn’t; in fact, the divorce rate in the U.S. peaked around 1980 (after increasing dramatically through the 1960s and 1970s, in part because the cultural stigma around divorce lessened), and has been gradually falling since. [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/06/23/144-years-of-marriage-and-divorce-in-the-united-states-in-one-chart/?utm\_term=.47f02cde842a](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/06/23/144-years-of-marriage-and-divorce-in-the-united-states-in-one-chart/?utm_term=.47f02cde842a) But, as that chart shows, the marriage rate has _also_ been falling off over that same time. One factor that may be in there is that, just as the stigma around divorce has lessened, so has the stigma around “living in sin.” It’s far more common now, than it was in, say, the 1940s and 1950s, to see couples stay together, and live together, for years, without actually getting married. And, if such a relationship breaks up, it doesn’t require legal proceedings to end it. > [@Slash1972](#): > > Divorce sucks for both people. If you are thinking about what would happen when you get divorced, then don’t get married in the first place. Yes, this. As other posters have noted, for most people who are considering marriage, they can’t envision a time when they wouldn’t deeply love their intended, and can’t imagine a situation in which they would be considering divorce in the future. If you already have doubts (or if you’re concerned about being taken to the cleaners financially by a divorce), it’s likely better to just not get married in the first place. But, it’s difficult for most people to think logically when they’re also thinking very emotionally (and glandularly) about their lover. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/51 "2017-12-09T19:01:44Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > One of the worst things that has happened to the stability of the home/family is the concept of no-fault divorce. Personally, I think that divorce laws should be changed so that if you have kids, you can do the no-fault thing. But if you have a kid, it should be damn near impossible to be divorced. Having that in place would hopefully make people think two or three times before tying the knot. We might have fewer marriages but I think they would be more stable. Defends on how you define “stable”. I had a friend who wished her parents would get a divorce. I also know kids who said that their lives were much happier after their parents split up, because they weren’t always sniping at each other, and there was less tension. “Stable” my ass. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/52 "2017-12-09T19:11:21Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > They knew exactly the kind of man he was when they married him. I’ll take issue with this blanket statement. People change over time – both men and women. I’ve always maintained that, as we age, our character quirks magnify. I think that, when you’re young, and considering a life partner, you had better be _very_ sure that you’re comfortable with the little quirks that your partner has, because those are just going to be more pronounced as they get older. Also, having children often does dramatically change the dynamics in a relationship. And, if you’re not living together when you get engaged, you may not realize what your significant other is like 24/7. Finally, as others have noted, many people (not just women) will tend to overlook or downplay the things that they don’t like about their partner, when they’re in the heady romantic courtship phase (especially if the sex is good). Or, they may acknowledge those flaws, but believe (probably erroneously) that “I can change him.” ---
**Author:** ![Wendell\_Wagner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8491ac/32.png) [@Wendell\_Wagner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wendell_Wagner)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/53 "2017-12-09T20:26:00Z")
Urbanredneck writes: \> They say in the US about 85% of divorce are filed by the wife. It’s 69%: > **[Women are more likely to initiate divorce](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2015/08/27/why-women-are-more-likely-to-initiate-divorce/?utm_term=.4a600c667b71)** > > Study finds that women find less happiness in marriage. That’s what nearly all the online sources say. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/54 "2017-12-09T20:35:00Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Defends on how you define “stable”. I had a friend who wished her parents would get a divorce. I also know kids who said that their lives were much happier after their parents split up, because they weren’t always sniping at each other, and there was less tension. > > “Stable” my ass. My husband’s parents were not egregiously abusive to each other or anything, but they were absolutely horrible for each other, for their twenty years of marriage and the six years they dragged their youngest child through custody court bullshit following the divorce. The lack of stability in the home as a result of marital strife had a significant impact on my husband and his sister growing up. They were not better off with their parents together, by a long shot. Research shows that kids growing up with this sort of conflict are no better off than those in broken homes. Which is why I’ll restate, married is not an inherently preferable status to divorced. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/55 "2017-12-09T21:33:14Z")
Even ignoring the fact that divorce can be the best thing for all concerned (kids included) even in the absence of cheating or abuse; you can make a couple stay ‘married’, but the state can’t actually force them to stay _together_. ---
**Author:** ![ToughLife](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8797f3/32.png) [@ToughLife](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ToughLife)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/56 "2017-12-09T21:42:23Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > It scares me off. I am well known on this board for being anti-marriage in general. I believe truly happy marriages exist somewhere but I have only seen direct evidence of a few of them in real life and some of them are probably faking it. > > I personally think that marriage for men (and possibly women) today is one of the worst decisions you can make up there with riding a motorcyle drunk and high except the latter is probably a little safer. It is mostly risk with little reward in the long run. I can understand the need for companionship but that is what boyfriends and girlfriends are for. > > Marriage is a legal contract that is exactly as romantic a house deed. It was never designed to be romantic or to bring happiness to either party involved. It evolved from the idea to promote social cohesion plus family stability. That last part is gone now because it is easy to get a divorce and lose almost everything, including your home and kids, if you catch your wife running a 3-ring sex circus in your own house. > > If you want to be with someone, just be with them, if you don’t want that anymore, just leave without getting lawyers involved. Some of that is impossible to avoid, especially the kids part, but the rest can just be done piecemeal like an ongoing pre-nup. There is no need for a hugely expensive wedding for a marriage that may end within just a few years or even months. I have seen the latter happen too many times. Sometimes one or both people involved secretly didn’t like each other but loved the idea of being married, a few times one of them was really homosexual and others were hiding very deep skeletons in their closet, especially oppressive debt. > > \*\*\*My perceptions may be colored a little by the fact that almost everyone in my family gets divorced, often multiple times, before they learn. I learned it on the first try. The ones that aren’t divorced either will be soon enough or wish they were. I wish I thought that was an isolated case but, sadly, it isn’t. Most of the people that gave me advice when I was having trouble used their “happy marriage” as an example are now divorced too. They were just better at hiding it. After this post I think this thread could’ve been closed because there is hardly anything meaningful to add. as they say … wedding is the second happiest event in a man’s life ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/57 "2017-12-09T22:07:58Z")
There have been a few studies on the subject of divorce and gender differentials. In 2015 it was found that although breakups of unmarried couples are initiated by either sex equally, divorce was 69% initiated by women. This would indicate that the institution of marriage itself, rather than more sensitivity to unhappiness within a relationship, is a probable cause – women are less happy in marriage than men, across the board. Married women are the least happy of all adults, whereas married men are the most happy. Further studies appear to suggest that a main cause of unhappiness in married women is the societal expectation (including her husband, and even herself) that women are responsible for almost all the drudgery involved in running a household, even when she works just as many hours outside the home as the man – which of course is now the norm. So perhaps it is not a case of women “just seeing more options out there”. Maybe it is just as simple as seeing that whatever security marriage provides isn’t worth a lifetime of cleaning up after and shopping and cooking for another perfectly able adult after an 8 hour day earning money. I would be absolutely astonished if this ever occurred to men as a reason for their wife dumping them. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/58 "2017-12-09T22:16:35Z")
> [@j666](#): > > Children are no better off - or happier - in a ‘volatile’ household than a ‘broken home’ I would beg to differ on this, though of course it hinges on the definition of ‘volatile’. Two sets of parenting norms, two sets of parents poisoning one against the other, two sets of single parents trying to make ends meet, one or both parents bringing in that untested new partner to fill whatever need requires filling… there would have to be a lot of domestic ‘volatility’ to justify introducing that level of fuckedupness into a child’s life. Not saying it doesn’t happen… just that a bit of crockery-throwing needs to be weighed against the possibility of your ex possibly taking up with a rapey pot dealer to pay the bills in their new post-marriage adventure. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/59 "2017-12-09T23:06:34Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > The OP seems to read as though an increase in the divorce rate is new news. It isn’t; in fact, the divorce rate in the U.S. peaked around 1980 (after increasing dramatically through the 1960s and 1970s, in part because the cultural stigma around divorce lessened), and has been gradually falling since. The American divorce rate actually peaked in the late 1940s, when a lot of the hasty WWII marriages proved not to be such a good idea once (usually) he came back from overseas. Most of those marriages were childless. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991/60 "2017-12-09T23:28:20Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > If you want to be with someone, just be with them, if you don’t want that anymore, just leave without getting lawyers involved. Being married isn’t just like being in a relationship with an added piece of paper. Emotionally, it feels different. Your spouse’s family will view you differently. Society will treat your relationship differently. It’s not just a long-term relationship with a piece of paper. To me, it feels like I am bonded to my wife and her relatives in a more familial type of relationship. That might not be what you’re seeking in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean being married and long-term dating feel the same. Even the best marriages have disagreements. A marriage may be good and still seem like a brother/sister kind of relationship. Just because they argue doesn’t mean they don’t love each other or that they want the relationship to end. Just like you may fight with your siblings but love them to death and enjoy spending time with them, so can it be with spouses. Again, just because you don’t want that kind of relationship, that doesn’t mean it’s not good or that other people won’t enjoy it. Men, if you fear divorce, structure your marriage so that it won’t matter if it happens. The biggest fear seems to be that she’ll take half your earnings. If you don’t want that to happen, ensure you both bring a similar income to the relationship. If you’re both making the same amount, then divorce will be a 50/50 split. But if you have kids and she stays home, you can’t get too upset that she gets something extra in the divorce to make up for the fact that she gave up her job and her experience is years out of date. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-the-issue-of-divorce-scare-off-men-from-getting-married/803991.md?page=4)