# Will waiting until marriage to have sex as a non-Christian severely limit my dating pool? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 23, 2015, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391 "2015-02-23T05:34:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/41 "2015-02-24T16:47:10Z")
We are all a long list of other people’s “dealbreakers.” Luckily we don’t need to appeal to more a teeny fraction of a percent of the population, as how many people can you really date at once anyway? You may be just the short, non-drinking, Indian-music-loving, unsporty, teddy-bear-cuddling guy of someone’s dreams. Pretending you like sports or hate teddy bears or making yourself drink or have sex if you don’t want to is not just unnecessary to find someone to date, it’s going to attract people who like this other guy you are pretending to be instead of you and scare away the people who would adore the real you. Pretending to be someone else requires constant vigilance and effort and generally feels bad, no matter how popular you may become. Yes, you are kind of a weirdo, but don’t worry. You are not a weirdo in a sea of normals. There are many more weirdos out there lost in the sea. Find your weirdo who will love you for you. She is probably also weird, so keep an open mind. You’re thinking too far ahead with the sex issue if you aren’t even dating anyone yet. You can figure that out whenever you want. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/42 "2015-02-24T17:08:33Z")
I just wanted to add that abstaining from sex will not mean you won’t be lusting after each other, quite the contrary and it may color your view of the relationship. If all you are abstaining from is intercourse, however, then that could possibly work. You could be “all about her pleasure, all the time”. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/43 "2015-02-24T17:27:52Z")
> [@Little\_Bird](#): > > Normal adult humans in romantic relationships have sex with each other. That’s just what they do. If you want to remove yourself from the pool of “normal” that’s fine, go for it, but remember that you may need to modify your expectations of the type of woman you want to pursue. You may find a very nice girl who is OK with not having sex, but it may be because she is asexual, or have been sexually abused, or some other issue that you may not be willing to deal with. > > Normal adults have sex. They take precautions and are safe about it, but they have it. Normal 17-20 year olds often do not have sex. There are subcultures where they do, of course, but there are plenty of others where they do not–and not all of those are about religious objections. It’s perfectly normal for a 17-20 year old to be sexually active, and it’s perfectly normal for a 17-20 year old to feel like they aren’t ready yet. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/44 "2015-02-24T17:34:08Z")
> [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](#): > > You’re committing yourself to, in the ideal case, _only ever having sex with one person_. And you’re doing that before you know if you’re sexually compatible, and also before you’ve “tested the waters” to see what sex is like. That’s a terrible idea. Say a couple fall in love, get married, and are committed to spending the rest of their lives together. Is the quality of their sex life, and the strength of their relationship in general, going to be better if they’re each other’s first and only sexual partners, or if they come into the marriage with some sexual experience with different people? I honestly don’t know. I’ve heard claims, and arguments, and anecdotal evidence, both ways. I’m not sure how you could answer the question scientifically: there are so many confounding variables, and it’s not as though you could do a double-blind study. My best guess is that it depends on the people involved, and the circumstances and culture in which they’re living. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/45 "2015-02-24T17:39:42Z")
> [@Little\_Bird](#): > > Normal adult humans in romantic relationships have sex with each other. The OP is 17, which is not adult. If the OP were female and posted that her boyfriend was trying to pressure her into having sex, the thread would be all about rape culture . _:shrugs:_ **R3d Anonymous** , as long as you don’t wear a T-shirt advertising “I don’t have premarital sex” I don’t think your dating pool is going to be all that limited. It is entirely possible to refrain from premarital sex, and wind up in a quite happy, very long-term marriage. I know this with 100% certainty. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/46 "2015-02-24T17:45:00Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Say a couple fall in love, get married, and are committed to spending the rest of their lives together. Is the quality of their sex life, and the strength of their relationship in general, going to be better if they’re each other’s first and only sexual partners, or if they come into the marriage with some sexual experience with different people? > > I honestly don’t know. I’ve heard claims, and arguments, and anecdotal evidence, both ways. I’m not sure how you could answer the question scientifically: there are so many confounding variables, and it’s not as though you could do a double-blind study. My best guess is that it depends on the people involved, and the circumstances and culture in which they’re living. I think it’s likely a stupid thing to worry about. I mean, if a couple of crazy kids meet as virgins in high school or college and hit it off and are fantastic partners in all kinds of ways, is anyone going to seriously suggest that they should end the relationship solely because a variety of sexual partners is so, so important to living a fulfilled life? On the other hand, if those same crazy kids don’t hit it off, is anyone going to suggest they stay together because the sex lives of lifelong monogamists is so special? They might want them to stay together because they like the idea of life long monogamy, but not because they think prioritizing that sexual experience is so vital. There are many paths up the mountain of maturity. No one can have every type of experience, and many types of experience are mutually exclusive. And that’s okay. ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/47 "2015-02-24T17:46:59Z")
There’s a big difference between 17 and 45 (my age). If I’d met someone who was waiting until marriage when I was 17, well…it wouldn’t have been a deal-breaker, though I would’ve found out exactly how much “not sex” they would have. But at 45? Oh, definitely it’s a deal-breaker. I don’t want to wind up with someone who a) is terrible at it, b) with whom I’m not compatible, and/or c) doesn’t like it at all. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/48 "2015-02-24T17:58:18Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > The OP is 17, which is not adult. > > If the OP were female and posted that her boyfriend was trying to pressure her into having sex, the thread would be all about rape culture . _:shrugs:_ You are better than this. This isn’t at all analogous. “Pressuring” someone isn’t cool, be it sex, ice skating or a nice brisk walk. If a 17 year old girl posited, without any dating experience or even prospects, that she planned to wait until marriages based on what seems to be more or less anxiety and rigid thought patterns, rather than a strong conviction, she would get the same advice. Be selective, be safe, sure. But abstaining till marriage is nothing more than a path to getting married too young, which isn’t super popular among the feminists. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/49 "2015-02-24T21:08:36Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > The OP is 17, which is not adult. > [@MandaJo](#): > > It’s perfectly normal for a 17-20 year old to be sexually active, and it’s perfectly normal for a 17-20 year old to feel like they aren’t ready yet. No, a 17 year old is not an adult. But an 18 year old is. A 20 year old definitely is. This person wants to know if deciding not to have sex will [ol] [li]limit his dating choices[/li][li]make his future relationships based on something other than lust and therefore somehow better[/li][/ol] And the absolute answer to those questions are [ol] [li]Yes, of course. Deciding you don’t want to participate in a very important, primal act of bonding and love is going to limit your dating choices.[/li][li]No, of course not.[/li][/ol] ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/50 "2015-02-25T00:23:59Z")
> [@R3d\_Anonymous](#): > > What if you engage in unprotected oral? Oral sex, I heard can transmit STD’s too, but it isn’t practical to use protection for it. Oral sex can transmit STDs. Condoms and dental dams can be used and the do help reduce the risk of transmission, just like for other forms of sex. A dental dam, by the by, is a sheet of latex that covers the vaginal or anal area of a woman who is receiving oral or anal sex. You can buy the sheets themselves or cut open a condom. For more information, see here: > **[Did You Know Condoms Expire? Get More Safe Sex Tips, Plus Expert-Recommended...](https://www.verywellhealth.com/best-condoms-4169709)** > > Experts share the best condoms depending on your needs to practice safe sex. Shop the best latex-free condoms, sensitive skin condoms, and more. > **[Safer Oral Sex Practices | Sutter Health](https://www.sutterhealth.org/pamf/health/teens/sexual/safer-oral-sex-practices)** > > It is possible to get an STI from having oral sex; however, there are ways to have safer oral sex. > **[VA.gov | Veterans Affairs](https://www.hiv.va.gov/patient/daily/sex/condom-tips.asp)** > > Apply for and manage the VA benefits and services you’ve earned as a Veteran, Servicemember, or family member—like health care, disability, education, and more. The suggestion to read Dan Savage is a good. Here’s a link to the most recent article: > **[Savage Love](https://www.thestranger.com/columns/2015/02/18/21732988/savage-love)** > > Savage Love: Dad Hasn’t Slept with Mom in 30 Years, Asks Son for Help Condoms with oral sex can be awkward at first, but you’ll get the hang of it. The good news is that practicing is fun if you keep a cheerful attitude. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/51 "2015-02-25T10:28:26Z")
> [@R3d\_Anonymous](#): > > But I am worried this choice, if I make it, will severely limit my dating pool, especially due to the fact that I am not Christian, and many people who practice this are Christians and THEY would likely disqualify me because I am not Christian (I’d be fine dating one and wouldn’t try to influence her views). To answer your larger question - There are billions of women out there. You’re only looking for one of them. That means the number of women who aren’t a good fit for you will always out number the women who _are_ a good fit. This would be true no matter what choices you make. Yes, being a virgin will be a dealbreaker for some women. OTOH, being a non-virgin will be a dealbreaker for others. This isn’t a problem. You have dealbreakers of your own after all. Everyone does. It just means that you need to meet a larger number of women in order to up your chances of finding the one you’re looking for. If you want to get a homerun, first you have to take a lot of at-bats. Same principle with finding a special someone. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/52 "2015-02-25T11:36:30Z")
> [@Little\_Bird](#): > > No, a 17 year old is not an adult. But an 18 year old is. A 20 year old definitely is. This person wants to know if deciding not to have sex will > [ol] > [li]limit his dating choices[/li][li]make his future relationships based on something other than lust and therefore somehow better[/li][/ol] > And the absolute answer to those questions are > [ol] > [li]Yes, of course. Deciding you don’t want to participate in a very important, primal act of bonding and love is going to limit your dating choices.[/li][li]No, of course not.[/li][/ol] So the 17 year old high school senior who is reluctant to engage in intercourse is perfectly normal child and the 18 year old, like-wise reluctant high school senior sitting next to him in class is an emotionally stunted social cripple? The OP didn’t say “Will it limit my dating choices”. He said “Will it \*severely \*limit my dating pool”. And I am going to say no. Not for your senior year of high school, your first year or two of college. It’ll have an effect, of course, but nothing like the same effect it would have if a person were over 20 and refused to engage in intercourse. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/53 "2015-02-25T12:24:20Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > So the 17 year old high school senior who is reluctant to engage in intercourse is perfectly normal child and the 18 year old, like-wise reluctant high school senior sitting next to him in class is an emotionally stunted social cripple? > > The OP didn’t say “Will it limit my dating choices”. He said “Will it \*severely \*limit my dating pool”. And I am going to say no. Not for your senior year of high school, your first year or two of college. It’ll have an effect, of course, but nothing like the same effect it would have if a person were over 20 and refused to engage in intercourse. [51%](http://www.childtrends.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/23_Fig3.jpg) of HS seniors are having sex. I’d say cutting you’re dating pool in half qualifies as a rather significant amount. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/54 "2015-02-25T13:30:35Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > [51%](http://www.childtrends.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/23_Fig3.jpg) of HS seniors are having sex. I’d say cutting you’re dating pool in half qualifies as a rather significant amount. That doesn’t mean 51% of high school seniors would only consider dating someone who was willing to have sex. There’s also tons of confounding variables: if you’re not emotionally ready to have sex, you probably also aren’t emotionally ready to have a relationship with someone who considers sex an absolute requirement in a relationship. Forcing yourself to have sex isn’t going to fix all those other compatibility issues. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/55 "2015-02-25T15:02:41Z")
I don’t think anyone is objecting to “I’m not ready to have sex,” part. That’s fine, normal and perfectly understandable. It’s the hard limit (“until marriage”) with seemingly no coherent explanation for the limit that is limiting. 17 year old me would be fine dating someone who wasn’t ready. But I wouldn’t want to date someone who had rigid and somewhat disconnected-from-reality ideas about sex. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/56 "2015-02-25T19:50:20Z")
No one will know you don’t want to have premarital sex until you have been dating them for a while. But after you’ve dated for awhile and your making out and things start going too far for you just be honest and tell them: “Look Sheila, I ain’t gonna chuck it in ya dumpa until after we’re married.” If she’s cool then you’re cool. If she’s not then move on. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/57 "2015-02-25T19:52:40Z")
Yes, your dating options would be severely limited. Even more so than a very religious person making the same choice, which would be restricting enough. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/58 "2015-02-27T01:59:07Z")
I now ask whether it seems likely that you’d feel comfortable with various kinds of heavty petting, and “outercourse” and think it feasible to find gals who would just love it. It certainly would eliminate the physical risks on your list. ETA: No preg risk, assuming that no cum or pre-cum get mixed with her secretions. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/59 "2015-02-27T02:03:16Z")
The rational side of you is saying to avoid having sex until marriage. Unfortunately, that side of the brain is not the making these decisions in the heat of the moment. I say don’t worry about it. I thought I was gonna wait until marriage until prom night happened. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2015, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391/60 "2015-02-28T15:11:59Z")
> [@R3d\_Anonymous](#): > > Well, here are the reasons I have been considering waiting: > > 1. NO STD’S (or pregnancy concerns)!!! That could also be a good reason for not having sex after marriage. Make a case why someone is a committed relationship would need to abstain but someone is a marriage would not. > [@](#): > > 1. No parental conflicts/having to hide to do it You’re not going to be 17 forever. > [@](#): > > 1. STATISTICALLY, less chance of prospective marriage ending in divorce. Statistics are meaningless in this case, and as others have pointed out, we don’t know how happy the marriages are. > [@](#): > > I also see some cons: > > 1. I want it, so bad! \<- strongly > . . . > 2. i may not have the self-control. > . . . > 3. may make me over-eager to marry in the future. This happens **a lot** to Mormons. They often meet someone, get engaged almost immediately and then get married within a few months. This often leads to a considerable amount of problems. Look, don’t worry so much about it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-waiting-until-marriage-to-have-sex-as-a-non-christian-severely-limit-my-dating-pool/713391.md?page=4)