# Will You Virtually Marry Me? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 9, 2000, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271 "2000-10-09T15:23:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/1 "2000-10-09T15:23:30Z")
I’m feeling a little silly this morning (didn’t get enough sleep last night) and thought it might be fun to get married. So this is an open call to any female doper who is interested in tying the knot in a completely non-legally binding sense strictly for the purpose of this message board. As your virtual husband I will: 1. Do the dishes, mow the lawn, clean up after the pet(s), cook 2. Perform in the bedroom on demand 3. Not pester you for a threesome with your girlfriend from work 4. Not pester you for blowjobs all the time 5. Actually _turn down the volume_ on the TV during the big game because somehow you got it into your head that _this_ is the best time to have a discussion with me about what the new living room wallpaper should look like 6. _Pause_ the Playstation game when you need my attention to look at carpet swatches to see what goes with the new living room wallpaper 7. Not gawk at women’s breasts for longer than 5 consecutive seconds when out in public with you 8. Not show you strange things that came from my ear/nose/bullybutton and ask “What do you think that is?” 9. Not stratch myself there in front of company 10. Not ask you to pull my finger I am open to other suggestions. **Legal Disclaimer** [sub]This is solely for the purposes of this board. If anyone ever meets me IRL, don’t expect me to be like the list above.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/2 "2000-10-09T15:29:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > \*\*[sub]This is solely for the purposes of this board. If anyone ever meets me IRL, don’t expect me to be like the list above.[/sub] \*\* I was with you until you made the above statement. ::sigh:: 😉 (Did anyone else ever get married on the playground during recess in 5th grade?) ---
**Author:** ![ultress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7c8e57/32.png) [@ultress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultress)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/3 "2000-10-09T15:33:41Z")
I’ll be glad to sing at your wedding… ---
**Author:** ![CanadianSue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@CanadianSue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanadianSue)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/4 "2000-10-09T15:37:54Z")
I’d be glad to help out with the ritual consummation 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/5 "2000-10-09T15:39:00Z")
Ok, since I lost Silver Fire, let me clarify what I am willing to do IRL: 1. Do the dishes, mow the lawn, clean up after the pet(s), cook (occassionally, not every day, we could take turns or something) 2. Perform in the bedroom on demand (well, almost on demand, there is some recuperation time needed) 3. Not pester you for a threesome with your girlfriend from work (after you say no the first 5 times) 4. Not pester you for blowjobs all the time (after you say no the first 25 times) 5. Actually _turn down the volume_ on the TV during the big game because somehow you got it into your head that _this_ is the best time to have a discussion with me about what the new living room wallpaper should look like – ok, this one needs some explaining. Yes, I will turn down the volume, but wanting me to pay attention to what you’re saying is a huge request. 6. deleted from the list 7. Not gawk at women’s breasts for longer than 5 consecutive seconds when out in public with you 8. Not show you strange things that came from my ear/nose/bullybutton and ask “What do you think that is?” 9. Not stratch myself there in front of company 10. Deleted from the list So with a few additions to those statements, I am pretty close to that list. I dropped number 6 cuz really, c’mon, swatches can wait until I’m done killing the zombies ok? And 10 is off the IRL list, cuz I actually do that to my GF from time to time, just to be a pig. 😉 However, **as your virtual husband the list in the OP still stands**. ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/6 "2000-10-09T15:41:43Z")
I would marry you, but I know in my heart that I wouldn’t be able to tolerate your houseful of monkey butlers and your constant need for attention. But I sent you a virtual puppy! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21825_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/7 "2000-10-09T15:45:49Z")
I’m always in the market for a virtual boy-toy… All I’d need is promise of #2,3,4 & 8, and a guarantee that when I was done with you, you’d go home without whining. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/8 "2000-10-09T15:48:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > **Ok, since I lost Silver Fire, let me clarify what I am willing to do IRL: \** Hmmm… Let me give this some thought. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/9 "2000-10-09T15:50:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by magdalene \* > \*\*I would marry you, but I know in my heart that I wouldn’t be able to tolerate your houseful of monkey butlers and your constant need for attention. \*\* **Homer** wants the monkey butlers in his home, I simply suggested they train chimps to serve cookies and soft drinks at work. As for my need for attention, well, it’s just that . . . um . . . 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Tabithina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f04885/32.png) [@Tabithina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabithina)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/10 "2000-10-09T15:51:53Z")
You’ll need a couple of virtual witnesses. I volunteer to be one of them. (I was going to offer to play the virtual organ, but my mind’s in the gutter today, so I’d better leave that one alone :D!) ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/11 "2000-10-09T15:54:57Z")
Y’know, I could always use an extra SO around the house… Chances are, I’d probably be watching the big game with you anyway, so any ‘big discussions’ could wait til after the game was over. As for the modification to #6 - I’ll make a deal with you - don’t interrupt me during NASCAR, ad I won’t interrupt you during Playstation. And how does one ‘stratch’ (#9) anything? (Don’t answer, I probably don’t wanna know.) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/12 "2000-10-09T15:55:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > **Homer** wants the monkey butlers in his home, I simply suggested they train chimps to serve cookies and soft drinks at work. Oh, that’s riiiiiiggggghhhhhht, you’re the one with the feeble sweater-wearing dog. See, I’d marry Homer\*, monkey butlers be damned! \*virtually speaking, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/13 "2000-10-09T16:24:46Z")
Hey hey, I’ll be the priest! Sure, I’m not one in real life, but I’m one in my school play, and I think I can be holy for a little while… \ Hey, baybee, whatchoo doin after the service? Eh? Oh, nuts. Guess I kinda ruined that. Well, then, I volunteer for best man. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/14 "2000-10-09T16:26:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by magdalene \* > **Oh, that’s riiiiiiggggghhhhhht, you’re the one with the feeble sweater-wearing dog.** Now you’re making fun of my dog just because she’s a little old (15 years) and gets cold during the winter. She doesn’t act old though, she just is old. Well, I just found out over the weekend that she’s gone deaf too. So **magdelene** on the grounds of you making fun of my puppy, you’re no longer in consideration. Next! ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/15 "2000-10-09T16:35:27Z")
**ultress** is singing. **CanadianSue** has volunteered to assist in the post-nuptial coitus (no thanks, BTW, CS) **FairyChatMom** just wants a virtual fling and not a virtual marriage **Tabithina** is a witness **Jester** has volunteered to be best man All I really need now is a preacher/justice of the peace and oh, what else? Oh yes, **A BRIDE** **screech-owl** sounds like she’s considering it, but hasn’t given a definite answer. (BTW, don’t worry about me interupting NASCAR, if that’s on TV I probably would find something else to do. ;)) BTW #9 should be scratch, not stratch. It’s the keyboard’s fault for having the ‘C’ and ‘T’ so close to each other with only the ‘F’ key to block. Everyone knows the ‘F’ key isn’t good at defense. You need the ‘B’ or ‘W’ key there to run interference, then that sort of thing wouldn’t happen. ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/16 "2000-10-09T16:37:24Z")
But Brat, I’d already started picking out china with little clowns painted all over it. (whine) Jeez, I am LOOPY today. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/17 "2000-10-09T16:45:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Silver Fire \* > \*\*(Did anyone else ever get married on the playground during recess in 5th grade?) \*\* No, but I did get married during a musical 6 or so years ago. Even made her a ring. ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/18 "2000-10-09T17:12:47Z")
I don’t care if you gawk at women’s breasts. I’ll even point out the good ones to you. I however reserve the right to ogle passing stud-boys & repeat the phrase “hummina-hummina-hummina” if they’re really good looking. ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/19 "2000-10-09T17:21:39Z")
BTW, I get up to get my own snacks & beverages during the game, rather than asking you to do so. I will also ask if you would like anything while I’m up. (If you’re cleaning up after the pets [cat and a bird], that’s a decent trade-off. Besides, it’s nice to have someone keep me informed of what’s happening during the game while I’m in the kitchen.) ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/20 "2000-10-09T17:25:47Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by little_bit \* > \*\*I don’t care if you gawk at women’s breasts. I’ll even point out the good ones to you. I however reserve the right to ogle passing stud-boys & repeat the phrase “hummina-hummina-hummina” if they’re really good looking. \*\* That sounds fair, as long as you don’t mind me drooling at a pair of exceptionally perfect, soft, round, full . . . mmmmmm . . . breasts . . . [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271.md?page=2)