# Will You Virtually Marry Me? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 9, 2000, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271 "2000-10-09T15:23:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/21 "2000-10-09T17:27:26Z")
Hmmm . . . between screech-owl and little\*bit. Damn, how to decide? I don’t suppose you teo are up for a little mud-wrestling and I’ll marry the winner? ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/22 "2000-10-09T17:58:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by magdalene \* > > **Oh, that’s riiiiiiggggghhhhhht, you’re the one with the feeble sweater-wearing dog.** > > Now you’re making fun of my dog just because she’s a little old (15 years) and gets cold during the winter. She doesn’t act old though, she just is old. Well, I just found out over the weekend that she’s gone deaf too. > > So **magdelene** on the grounds of you making fun of my puppy, you’re no longer in consideration. Next! \*\* I will marry you just so we can have matching dogs. Mine is a Minature Pinscher and has requested we move to the west coast numerous times ---
**Author:** ![Sunshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Sunshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunshine)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/23 "2000-10-09T18:09:47Z")
I’d marry you Crunchy, but I don’t particularly _want_ a virtual hubby (one IRL is enough!) …but I will be glad to moan and wail and generally make it known how devastated the general female populus is that you are getting virtually married and off the virtual market. ::: sob, sob, hiccup, sniffle ::: Oh, no! NOT Crunchy! ::: moan, wail, gnashing of teeth ::: He was one of the last GOOD ones! What are we to do? ::: continue boo-hooing, wringing of hands, etc. ::: 😉 ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/24 "2000-10-09T18:19:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > _Originally posted by little_bit \* > > \*\*I don’t care if you gawk at women’s breasts. I’ll even point out the good ones to you. I however reserve the right to ogle passing stud-boys & repeat the phrase “hummina-hummina-hummina” if they’re really good looking. \*\* > > That sounds fair, as long as you don’t mind me drooling at a pair of exceptionally perfect, soft, round, full . . . > > mmmmmm . . . breasts . . . \*\* If they don’t need to be enormous I’ve got that covered already. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/25 "2000-10-09T18:20:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > _Originally posted by little_bit \* > > \*\*I don’t care if you gawk at women’s breasts. I’ll even point out the good ones to you. I however reserve the right to ogle passing stud-boys & repeat the phrase “hummina-hummina-hummina” if they’re really good looking. \*\* > > That sounds fair, as long as you don’t mind me drooling at a pair of exceptionally perfect, soft, round, full . . . > > mmmmmm . . . breasts . . . \*\* If they don’t need to be enormous I’ve got that covered already. 😃 If you need proof, I guess some mud or jello wrestling can be arranged. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/26 "2000-10-09T18:27:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by shay519 \* > \*\*I will marry you just so we can have matching dogs. Mine is a Minature Pinscher and has requested we move to the west coast numerous times \*\* I’d hate to disappoint you and your pinscher, but I’m in St Louis, which (last time I checked) is the west coast of jack shit. Still interested? If so put on a bikini, and climb into the ring, I’m hosing down the mudpit now. You don’t mind wrestling **little\*bit** and **screech-owl** do you? I’ve got to let you ladies know though, from what **little\*bit’s** said so far, I’m kinda leaning towards her. (I’ll make a decision before I go home from work today) ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/27 "2000-10-09T18:41:59Z")
I guess I should clarify. As your virtual wife I would require that you… 1. load the dishwasher, mow the lawn, I have no pets, I will cook & unload the dishwasher 2. Perform in the bedroom on demand (this is not negotiable) 3. Not pester me for a threesome with your girlfriend from work (I don’t work with any particularly cute girls, the cute lesbian receptionist just quit to marry her girlfriend) 4. Not pester me for blowjobs all the time (please limit yourself to once or twice a day) 5. Let me yell at the TV durring the big game & not take offense if I don’t hear you while I watch TV 6. Not require me to play Playstation with you & not require me to care what the wallpaper in the living room looks like 7. You may gawk at all the breasts you want, just don’t compare any to mine 8. Not show you strange things that came from your ear/nose/bullybutton and ask “What do you think that is?” (this one stays as is) 9. you may scratch yourself there in front of company if you want. It’s a reflection on you, not me 10. Not ask me to pull your finger if your “nasal assault weapon” is pointed at any living thing that might take offense (this includes house plants) ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/28 "2000-10-09T18:47:48Z")
'Fraid I’m gonna have to pass on the mud-wrestling for the moment: I’m a little exhausted from spa-snokeling in the The Reverse Thread. But if it’s in my favor, I do give quite a relaxing backrub, particularly if you’re quite tired from washing the dishes. Lawn service is already taken care of. 😉 Everything else stands as is. And yes, I do have a difficult time buttoning my shirt. ---
**Author:** ![Kvallulf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@Kvallulf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kvallulf)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/29 "2000-10-09T18:53:17Z")
Can I be the virtual forgotten relative that you see only once every ten years that happens to show up at the reception and drink loads of beer, gets in a fight with your 3rd cousin, and then causes a riot when he sets of a teargas grenade on the dance floor? ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/30 "2000-10-09T18:54:54Z")
I have some questions and comments: **4) Not pester me for blowjobs all the time (please limit yourself to once or twice a day)** Does this mean I can pester you once or twice a day or I get them once or twice a day? \*\*6) Not require me to play Playstation with you & not require me to care what the wallpaper in the living room looks like \*\* I own one 2-player Playstation game (Triple Play 2001) so I don’t care if you play video games with me or not. As for the living room walls, I say let’s get one of those huge boxes of 468 crayons, get drunk and color the walls ourselves. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/31 "2000-10-09T19:08:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kvallulf \* > \*\*Can I be the virtual forgotten relative that you see only once every ten years that happens to show up at the reception and drink loads of beer, gets in a fight with your 3rd cousin, and then causes a riot when he sets of a teargas grenade on the dance floor? \*\* um . . . yeah. Does it have to be tear gas though? And if you’re gonna fight with a 3rd cousin, may I suggest it be my cousin Dana? I never really liked that fat bitch anyway. ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/32 "2000-10-09T19:09:03Z")
In response to your questions… re: #4 - If you ask I will probably agree, so please limit the _pestering_ to once or twice. Otherwise we may never leave the house. re: #6 - Sounds good to me, or if you prefer we can set up some blacklights, cover ourselves in laundry detergent, roll around the room & see what we can make glow. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/33 "2000-10-09T19:10:15Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by little_bit \* > \*\*re: #6 - Sounds good to me, or if you prefer we can set up some blacklights, cover ourselves in laundry detergent, roll around the room & see what we can make glow. 😃 \*\* LOL!!! I have _ **GOT** _ to try that IRL! ---
**Author:** ![SwimmingRiddles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/34 "2000-10-09T19:14:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Silver Fire \* > \*\*(Did anyone else ever get married on the playground during recess in 5th grade?) \*\* No, but when I was five, I fell madly in love with my cousin’s best friend, and we agreed to get married. I wonder what ever happened to that guy. Like if I knocked on his door, said “1984. A beach on the shores of the Long Island Sound in Massepequa. You taught me to say ‘I love you’ in sign langugage and we agreed to get married. How have you been?” if that would be considered stalkerish? ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/35 "2000-10-09T19:18:35Z")
Swiddles - It’s only stalkerish if you show up with a preacher and say “In 1984 you promised to marry me, you bastard!” while holding his pet hostage. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/36 "2000-10-09T19:50:08Z")
I already have a Virtual Boyfriend, Crunch. And he’s very jealous. But if you like, I can stand up at the wedding, point at you accusingly and sing a few choruses of “Those Wedding Bells Shall Not Ring Out.” ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/37 "2000-10-09T19:51:38Z")
With only 90 minutes before I go home for the day, I guess it’s time to take me a virtual wife! So **little\*bit** you still wanna do this or what? (I know, I’m one hell of a romantic bastard.) We still need: A preacher ot justice of the peace A caterer A bride’s maid The old woman who nobody knows for sure what side of the family she’s on, but constantly complains about it being cold in here. A DJ (or band) for the reception A bartender A photographer Now I’ve never done this before. What’s missing? ---
**Author:** ![hypergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@hypergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hypergirl)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/38 "2000-10-09T19:54:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*\*Originally posted by Silver Fire \* > \*\*(Did anyone else ever get married on the playground during recess in 5th grade?) \*\* Nope, but my friend asked me to marry him a few weeks ago. His (now-ex) girlfriend made him divorce all his wives, nso now he has to rebuild his harem. ---
**Author:** ![hypergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@hypergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hypergirl)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/39 "2000-10-09T19:58:12Z")
slash b! arg!!! ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271/40 "2000-10-09T20:01:45Z")
Fine, I’ll be the maid of honor…\ But I ain’t wearing an ugly dress, and definitely not one with a big, ugly BUTT-BOW! And I’ll throw rice, and I’ll even take it out of the box, first! \ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/will-you-virtually-marry-me/36271.md?page=3)