# Winked at by the "wrong" sex **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 22, 2004, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162 "2004-12-22T15:24:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![fishbicycle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aeb1de/32.png) [@fishbicycle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishbicycle)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/21 "2004-12-22T18:19:43Z")
> [@Lobsang](#): > > My high-school social life was ruined by a rumour that I was Gay. This sort of scarred me. Me too. I had to move away. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/22 "2004-12-22T19:07:11Z")
Normally I’d claim to be secure enough to appreciate any kind of compliment on my hotness. But the only time I was really, seriously hit on by a gay guy happened to be after the breakup of my first marriage, when I was in the middle of a long, very dry spell with my prefered sex. It was a time when I had two tickets to a Broadway show and couldn’t find a date. And when another guy hit on me, I had to wonder about what kind of vibe I was putting out. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/23 "2004-12-22T19:19:04Z")
I used to think I gave off a gay vibe. Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that I give off an “available” vibe, despite my wedding ring. It doesn’t seem to matter as I seem to be equally clueless to comeons irregardless of the gender of the person doing the flirting. I can’t tell you the number of times my wife has said “I can’t believe you didn’t notice X flirting… The only time it gets uncomfortable is when I’m groped, which has also happened with both genders, and even then I’m usually thinking “this is rather sudden” probably because I missed all the signals. I take them all as a compliment. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/24 "2004-12-22T19:33:12Z")
I’ve always taken any form of flirting as a compliment, pretty much regardless of who it comes from. The only time I was sort of “ooged out” a bit was when I was waiting for a friend in a European city and a guy came up to me and asked me for a “date”. I suppose this was still a pick up of sorts, but his intimation was that I was for hire. It took me a split second to gain my composure, then I said that, no, I didn’t swing that way. He actually asked me if I was sure I didn’t want to just give it a try. At that point I smiled politely and left the area for a while. This was a somewhat seedy part of town but I’d never noticed any male prostitutes in the area, although I did later learn the area had a rep for being the “gay” part of the city. ---
**Author:** ![pokey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ebca7d/32.png) [@pokey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pokey)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/25 "2004-12-22T19:44:36Z")
I would take it as a huge compliment if a lesbian liked me. ---
**Author:** ![MovieMogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f08c70/32.png) [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/26 "2004-12-22T19:53:16Z")
It took me a little by surprise in college, but it ended up happening so frequently, I almost wished I was batting on the other team (certainly would’ve gotten more play back then, that’s for sure). Probably the most overt act was a hand on my knee, but certainly nothing to ever get worked up about. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/27 "2004-12-22T20:05:13Z")
> [@pravnik](#): > > It’s a compliment, although how big of a compliment is up for debate; they’re guys, after all, and being a guy, I know that a come on may mean anything from “you are weak-in-the-knees, drop dead gorgeous” to “hey, you’re not repulsive!” Yeah, the couple of times gay guys have said I’m good looking, I don’t know what they mean by this as well on the spectrum of things a guy can mean by this. Plus they were in various stages of inebriation, where you don’t necessarily have a _reason_ for saying something (or they could be beergoggling.) > [@](#): > > Just a gay guy telling me he thinks I’m hot, though? Hey, I’ll take a compliment anywhere I can get it. Yeah! Unless of course it’s a guy whistling at me while I jog. You can’t tell those from heteros catcalling people. Although I don’t mind women whistling at me (altho I’m sure some of them are making fun of me as well.) ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/28 "2004-12-22T20:33:22Z")
Firstly, I have a hard time understanding how a compliment of that sort could be offensive. More directly, I figure that I try to be nice and interesting and attractive (or at least moderately well-groomed), and just generally am myself. I figure that those are things that other folks will find attractive. None of those things reside solely in the domain of straight or gay people, so why would it be anything other than flattering to know that someone finds the way I am a nice way to be? ---
**Author:** ![vl\_mungo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc8723/32.png) [@vl\_mungo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vl_mungo)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/29 "2004-12-22T20:55:35Z")
Don’t you know??? Having a gay person hit on you makes _you_ gay!!! I swear, they don’t teach anybody anything in school these days. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/30 "2004-12-22T21:00:30Z")
Those who don’t understand - It’s called homophobia. An irrational fear. I suppose you could say it might make you fear the safety of your reputation amongst your straight friends. If it got out that you were hit on by a Gay person you’d never hear the end of it. These days I’d probably take it as a compliment. It’s safe to say Gay men tend to look after themselves better, and to recieve a complement from one might indirectly suggest he thinks your appearance is worthy of his attention. ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/31 "2004-12-22T21:07:36Z")
I think it’s a compliment, not something to get angry over. Anecdote time: Shortly after we married, DeHusband and I went to a Japanese restaurant to meet a friend of his that he had served with overseas. So we’re on one side of the grill, everyone else there was female. DeHusband and DeFriend are completely ignoring me (and being quite rude about it) so I start talking to the ladies near me. We are having a great time; they are great; friendly, sharing their sake and basically keeping me from calling a cab. Turns out, the ladies were all part of a local lesbian support group. About the time DeHusband realizes that I’m no longer just sitting there waiting for the crumbs of his attention, I tell them that we’re newlyweds. One woman says, “He doesn’t even know you’re here! You don’t need to waste yourself on him. Come over to our side and I’ll treat you right.” I thanked her and said that that was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me - but if he kept treating me like this, to please call me in a couple of weeks. Everyone gets quiet… I turn and DeHusband is just staring at me with his jaw hanging open. And then the room explodes with laughter. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/32 "2004-12-22T21:23:00Z")
I’ve been winked at, grabbed at, kissed on, etc. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’ve even been to gay clubs, and have had many guys buy me drinks and ask me to dance. I agree with **Eve** here. It would be rude to lead a person on. Well, kinda. If a girl obviously liked me, I would let her buy me drinks all night whether I was interested in her or not. But if a gay gentleman offers to buy me a drink (whether I’m in a gay bar or not) I let them know right away that I’m not gay, but that “hell yeah I’d take a drink”. This seems to be fine, and I’ve never had someone change their mind and say “Oh, well since you’re not gay, I’m not getting you one.” They buy me the drink, chat a little, and either stay and buy me more or ask if I dance or they wander off to go find so hot man ass. I _will_ dance with a guy, but only if it’s a real kind of dancing. It has to be swing, salsa, merenge (sp?), ballroom, line dancing, or anything where there’s twirling and/or dance steps involved. And I have to lead. This is a good way to _learn_ to dance and to get more practice!!! But I wont grind up on or booty dance with a man. It’s not that I’m scared of gay germs or some shit, but that’s just not for me. Sorry. A guy grinding on me from behind with some semi-chubby is just not fun for me. Neither is rubbing my mid-section on some man’s ass. But that’s no biggy. It’s not my cup 'o tea, so I just don’t do it. So if, after like 4 drinks, I hear “Care to dance?”. I have to make _certain_ I ask “What kind of dancing are you good at”… and then “will you teach that to me.” A guy thinking I might be gay and hitting on me is one thing. What’s actually worse is when a straight girl that I’m trying to pick up asks me, “So what’s your deal?? You guys are gay right? Are you just looking for some girl to share as your little toy tonight?” Or, “Oh… you mean you’re _not_ gay?” LOL!! This happened last week actually. I almost laughed my ass off. I was like, "WTF!??? So because I can dance and I know how to dress, you assume that we’re gay? What is it? Am I the only guy in this bar wearing black socks or something? (shit, I probably was) That was pretty interesting. It took some convincing, but I finally got it through to her that I was straight. … and I wasn’t even dressed that nicely. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/33 "2004-12-22T21:32:57Z")
I dunno, despite some of my lingering religious conflicts, I’ve never found it “offensive” in the least. Surprising maybe. But I mean, you can’t choose or decide FOR someone, male or femaile, straight or gay what their reaction is going to be in a given situation right? I mean, lotsa guys I wouldn’t date on a dare, and that really, I’ find MUCH less appealing than any of the lesbians I’ve met, give me “that” look, or wink, or some such. All I ever feel is disinterest, unless I’m annoyed by having to strenuously persist in the “NO” or something (see the Nice Guy thread of a few weeks ago for instance). Otherwise a gay person letting me know of their interest, no, no biggie. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2004, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/34 "2004-12-23T00:01:15Z")
Similarly, I don’t know. I believe I’m hetero, but TTBOMK I’ve never been approached by either sex. ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2004, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/35 "2004-12-23T00:11:05Z")
Intellectually, it’s a compliment to get hit on by a girl. Deep down, tho’, it worries me a little. I’m fairly athletic and muscular and I worry irrationally that I come off as too “butch.” I probably overdo the girl thing sometimes just to counteract this. Plus, I don’t seem to have lesbian fantasies but I’ve been single and non-dating for quite a while so even I sometimes wonder about myself. Doesn’t help when my father tells me that someday I’ll “meet the right guy… or girl.” :smack: So it doesn’t offend me but it does stress me out slightly. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2004, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/36 "2004-12-23T01:16:32Z")
I want to find a rock to hide under any time anyone flirts with me in real life, regardless of gender. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2004, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/37 "2004-12-23T02:56:08Z")
I sometimes get hit on by gay men. I’ve fairly decent gaydar, I am aware when I’m being watched by a man. ( women don’t watch me, and I’m straight. Go figure… ). It doesn’t bother me, it flatters me. If someone gives me a second glance, I’m flattered !!! Gender? Feh, a person who feels that “tingle” is a person who feels that “tingle”. If a man asked me if I wanted to sit and have a cup of coffee, or Absynthe, I’d have to pause and think about it. Since it’s never happened to me, I dunno what I would do. Freak out is not likely, however. Cartooniverse ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2004, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/38 "2004-12-24T20:32:29Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Do you panic or get offended when, say, a gay man _politely_ comes on to you if you’re a straight man? Not too long ago I think I was either scoped by a big gay stud or the clumsiest loss-prevention guy in the business. I think the same pathological fear that turns me into Cliff Claven around attractive, unattached women got a hold of me then as well. Which may be useful, now that I think about it, in pointing out that it may not be a fear of women per se… ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2004, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/39 "2004-12-24T21:03:31Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > **Owlstretchingtime** ’s silly Pit thread on being offended by “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” got me to thinking (OK, it was really the second cup of coffee that got me thinking). > > Do you panic or get offended when, say, a gay man _politely_ comes on to you if you’re a straight man? . Depends on what’s winking. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_Wright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Steve\_Wright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_Wright)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2004, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162/40 "2004-12-24T23:55:05Z")
Polite approach gets a polite refusal. Impolite approach gets a less polite refusal. I’ve had the same problem at school as **Lobsang** , people using “gay” as a taunt … problem (for them) was, it didn’t really work. I’m not gay, and I _know_ I’m not, so homophobic slurs … well, they produce more mystification than annoyance. (I’d feel the same way if they’d been throwing ethnic slurs at me. I’m white - inordinately so, given my lifestyle - so if someone called me the n-word, I’d just crack up laughing. Calling me “gay” has much the same effect.) I suppose it comes down to me being reasonably secure in my own sexuality - I don’t have to worry about people questioning it. Now, if only I had any _luck_ with women, I’d be a happy man … [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winked-at-by-the-wrong-sex/281162.md?page=3)