# Winning The War On Masturbation! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 5, 2002, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winning-the-war-on-masturbation/107346 "2002-05-05T02:41:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winning-the-war-on-masturbation/107346/1 "2002-05-05T02:41:24Z")
Join up now! Americans For Purity: [Winning The War On Masturbation](http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Senate/2680/) > [@](#): > > Masturbation is more dangerous than atheism. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but over the course of recent Democratic administrations, and their prevailing philosophy of “if it feels good, do it” - this problem has spiralled out of control. > > Myth: Masturbation is harmless. > Reality: Medical science proves that chronic masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness. > > Myth: There are bigger problems than masturbation, like drugs and AIDS. > Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month! > > Myth: Masturbation is not immoral. > Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn’t masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason. > > Myth: Masturbation is a “Victimless Crime.” > Reality: Theological experts on masturbation have come to the conclusion that masturbation is what is known as a “gateway” sin. This means that masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators. [Operation Infinite Purity](http://www.whitehouse.org/initiatives/purity/index.asp) ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winning-the-war-on-masturbation/107346/2 "2002-05-05T02:45:43Z")
Are they really serious? Here is a fun bit from their grand plan > [@](#): > > . ALL candles, no matter what their shape, must be banned. > 2. ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We don’t need the Victoria’s Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations. > 3. Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate. > > Intensive Banning of cancles? Compulsory pre-sliced vegetables? LOL ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winning-the-war-on-masturbation/107346/3 "2002-05-05T02:53:29Z")
150,001. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![shannybonanny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@shannybonanny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shannybonanny)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winning-the-war-on-masturbation/107346/4 "2002-05-05T02:56:20Z")
> [@](#): > > Myth: There are bigger problems than masturbation, like drugs and AIDS. > Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month! :eek: [sub]How did they _know_?![/sub] Make that 149,999… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![shannybonanny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@shannybonanny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shannybonanny)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winning-the-war-on-masturbation/107346/5 "2002-05-05T02:57:40Z")
_sigh_ Dammit, **Snooooopy!** 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winning-the-war-on-masturbation/107346/6 "2002-05-05T03:04:01Z")
> [@](#): > > Are there semen stains on your son’s bed sheets or underwear? There’s only one way they could have gotten there! Line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family Prayer Meeting and Underwear Check! :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@The\_Tim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tim)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winning-the-war-on-masturbation/107346/7 "2002-05-05T03:12:32Z")
This is a joke. No one is this insane and idiotic. ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winning-the-war-on-masturbation/107346/8 "2002-05-05T03:28:02Z")
Ah HA! I _knew_ it had to be there somewhere! On one of the linked pages, namely [this one](http://www.whitehouse.org/initiatives/purity/index.asp) ,the wording is almost _exactly_ the same. Scroll to the bottom and read this: > [@](#): > > a chickenhead productions parody - disclaimer & terms Don’t worry, keep wanking…LOL ---
**Author:** ![Ringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@Ringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ringo)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/winning-the-war-on-masturbation/107346/9 "2002-05-05T03:48:50Z")
whois gets you: Registrant:Satire On-line (WHITEHOUSE3-DOM) 245-M Mount Hermon Road, Suite 137 Scotts Valley, CA 95066 US Domain Name: [WHITEHOUSE.ORG](http://WHITEHOUSE.ORG) Administrative Contact, Technical Contact: Pace, Mark (MP156) [pace@ILLUMINATI.ORG](mailto:pace@ILLUMINATI.ORG) 245-M Mount Hermon Road Suite 137 Scotts Valley, CA 95066-4035 US 650.212.3765 831.460.9237 Just those illuminati rascals again.