# Wishing to connect with an old flame, but don't want to be an asshole about it **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 30, 2012, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142 "2012-01-30T02:12:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/1 "2012-01-30T02:12:23Z")
Background: I met her when we were teens (she seemed _very_ familiar to me initially, tho I had no reason to think so), and we literally clicked from the very start, ended up finishing each other’s thoughts, doing stuff together without verbalizing about it at first, that kind of shit. We even had a college class together; I was late to the first session, walked in head down and plopped down in the first row, but c. 15 minutes later I had the instant epiphany that she was in the room. Turned around and there she was. But, since I was a depressive egotistical jerk, her parents were very overprotective, and she was just young enough to make that last part even worse, it all fell apart within a few years (long story short). She married another guy, but they divorced a few years back (since she is using her maiden name now on her Myspace page-yes I occasionally check in, out of curiousity more than anything else). Meanwhile over the past 20 years I’ve unfucked myself in a very big way, with my most recent breakthrough occuring this month. I could just call her I guess (since her name is very distinctive), but coming out of the blue like that will probably just leave her cold. My other brilliant, undoubtedly foolproof plan is to go to a concert in her town for her favorite artist, which she would never miss (one which I also liked a lot when I was younger) and let Fate lead us together. Or I could just say the hell with it and move forward on a different path (which I am likely about to do anyway, as in move out of the state, for unrelated reasons). So, go for broke on this last final chance, or not? ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/2 "2012-01-30T02:24:42Z")
Trying to friend her on facebook probably won’t come off as creepy. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/3 "2012-01-30T02:29:16Z")
First of all, you need to ask yourself: Do I really want to be with someone that still uses MySpace? :dubious: If so, friending her would not come off as creepy. People friend strangers and virtual strangers all the time- at least she knows you. ---
**Author:** ![GESancMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gesancman/32/2923_2.png) [@GESancMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GESancMan)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/4 "2012-01-30T15:06:06Z")
Similar story, and I was similarly an asshole. We were together for about two years, when we were 18 and 19. A year ago, at age 39, I found her on Facebook. I’d always felt bad about the way I dumped her, and wanted to apologize, so I wrestled with writing her… and if anything else came of it, that’d be a bonus. I finally decided what the hell - the worst that could happen was she’d tell me to piss off, it’s not like I had anything to lose, right? So I wrote, quite out of the blue. We’re now living together, and things are magically different than from when we were kids. We’re deliriously happy. So it can happen! Hunt her down. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/5 "2012-01-30T15:18:46Z")
It’s worth trying to reconnect in a passive way that lets her call the shots. I’m not sure how MySpace works, can you do a friend request like you can in Facebook? ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/6 "2012-01-30T15:43:04Z")
She’s a musician, hence MS and not FB. Thanks for the advice, guys-I’ll mull it over a little longer (like I intimated there’s other unrelated issues involved as well that I’ll have to consider). ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/7 "2012-01-30T17:18:15Z")
I had a similar friend about 22 years ago. Worked 3rd shift together, and became real close (not romantic though). Well, time marched on and we lost touch. Both of us married. Then, about 3 years ago work brought us back together (we both work for County Government, different counties). Anyway, we now see each other a few times a year at least. Lunch, beers after work whatever. We even went to a music fest. It turns out we have led surprisingly similar lives. All most to the point of it being a bit spooky. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/8 "2012-01-30T19:38:48Z")
Since you’re looking for advice, I’ll move this to our advice forum, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/9 "2012-01-30T19:42:18Z")
Let the past remain in the past. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/10 "2012-01-30T20:08:29Z")
Go for it. The worst she can do is tell you to get lost. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/11 "2012-01-30T20:08:49Z")
Go for it. :: plays angel-on-the-right-shoulder-and-devil-on-the-left-shoulder on \*\*John DiFool \*\*with **Scumpup** :: No seriously, go for it. If I were her and you contacted me, I would be flattered and curious and the concert is a perfect opening for her to suggst/agree to meet you again, should she be inclined to do so. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/12 "2012-01-30T20:24:38Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Let the past remain in the past. Let’s try out some opening lines: “Hi! I really unfucked myself in the last twenty years, particularly last month! Love me!” “Hi! Haven’t seen you in twenty years, but I thought the idealized version of you that I’ve built up in my memory might be interested in taking up where we left off!” “I’ve kept tabs on you all these years…” “No, I’m not emotionally needy. Why do you ask?” Let it go, dude. You already have said you aren’t the same person you were twenty years ago. Guess what? Neither is she. But both of those new people still carry the emotional baggage of the old people, like something out of a confusing Gene Wolfe novella. Find someone who is going to be infatuated by the wonder and glory of the new, unfucked you without the toxic memories of the old you. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/13 "2012-01-30T22:32:02Z")
What? Nobody does the boombox outside her window thing anymore? Back in my day, men knew how to _woo_ a lady… ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/14 "2012-01-30T22:40:47Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Let’s try out some opening lines: > > “Hi! I really unfucked myself in the last twenty years, particularly last month! Love me!” > > “Hi! Haven’t seen you in twenty years, but I thought the idealized version of you that I’ve built up in my memory might be interested in taking up where we left off!” > > “I’ve kept tabs on you all these years…” > > “No, I’m not emotionally needy. Why do you ask?” > Let it go, dude. You already have said you aren’t the same person you were twenty years ago. Guess what? Neither is she. But both of those new people still carry the emotional baggage of the old people, like something out of a confusing Gene Wolfe novella. Find someone who is going to be infatuated by the wonder and glory of the new, unfucked you without the toxic memories of the old you. This is the truth, 100%, unmitigated and pure. Get over her, honestly. Share your life with someone new. You aren’t the same person and neither is she. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/15 "2012-01-31T02:47:55Z")
I guess I am just curious more than anything else-a lot of the stuff that **Scumpup** mentioned are precisely the things I’ve been working on, in general terms (and I only stumbled across her MS page on a lark several years back). So it will probably go “Yeah, this is how I am now, this is how you are, probably would never work now, have a nice life.” And I wouldn’t have any problem with that. ---
**Author:** ![moejoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@moejoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejoe)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/16 "2012-01-31T03:26:11Z")
So the options are: 1. Send her a friend request and admit that you’ve been myspace stalking her for _years_ 2. Accidentally on purpose run into her at a concert and admit that you attended just on the off chance that you might run into her 3. Let it go I think you need to come up with an option 4 because the first 2 are going to come off as really creepy and the third doesn’t sound likely. I’m thinking if you have her email address that’s the best way to go, a quick happy note and then leave the ball in her court. If you never hear from her at least you tried. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/17 "2012-01-31T04:06:05Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Let’s try out some opening lines: > > “Hi! I really unfucked myself in the last twenty years, particularly last month! Love me!” > > “Hi! Haven’t seen you in twenty years, but I thought the idealized version of you that I’ve built up in my memory might be interested in taking up where we left off!” > > “I’ve kept tabs on you all these years…” > > “No, I’m not emotionally needy. Why do you ask?” > Let it go, dude. You already have said you aren’t the same person you were twenty years ago. Guess what? Neither is she. But both of those new people still carry the emotional baggage of the old people, like something out of a confusing Gene Wolfe novella. Find someone who is going to be infatuated by the wonder and glory of the new, unfucked you without the toxic memories of the old you. Yep. It’s true what they say: “You can never go home again.” ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/18 "2012-01-31T04:07:23Z")
I think you’re over-thinking this. Just send her a short and friendly note on MySpace and see if she responds. If it ends up being a mistake, you guys can just go back to living your separate lives, but if you don’t do it you might end up regretting you didn’t take the chance someday. I wouldn’t count on rekindling a romance from this, but it would be harmless to see if she wants to talk for old time’s sake at least. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/19 "2012-01-31T04:14:11Z")
You’ve got nothing to lose, hon. Do it! ---
**Author:** ![Renie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecae2f/32.png) [@Renie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renie)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142/20 "2012-01-31T16:33:59Z")
An old boyfriend and I were apart for 4 years when I initiated contact again (he had actually dumped me way back when) That was 20 years ago. We’ve been married for 18 of them now. Glad I took the chance. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wishing-to-connect-with-an-old-flame-but-dont-want-to-be-an-asshole-about-it/611142.md?page=2)